"We're Swapping Out One Ben for Another, So Problem Solved!"
(AFA NewsWire) At a hastily called press conference this morning, the parent company of Uncle Ben's Rice announced that actor/director Ben Affleck will become the new face of their product.
Under intense pressure to change their mascot, an image drawn from racist iconography, the company believes it has found a speedy and satisfactory resolution.
"He's somebody's uncle, right?" stated Harlan Dervish, spokesman for the company's marketing team, "I mean, Casey Affleck's probably got kids, doesn't he? We'll check IMDB... he is, yes, good," adding, "It's a twofer! An uncle and he's named Ben!"
"All we have to do now is change the picture on the package and we're good," said a visibly relieved Dervish, "And, by swapping out one Ben for another, the company stands to save millions of dollars by avoiding the disruption and high cost of a complete rebranding, savings we can pass on to the consumer!"
"We went through a long list of potential replacements before settling on Mr. Affleck: Ben Stiller, Ben Franklin, Ben Turpin, Benjamin Harrison, Benjamin Bratt, Benny Hill, H. Jon Benjamin and the TV bear Gentle Ben," said Dervish in response to reporters' questions about why Mr. Affleck was chosen, "The problem wasn't the name 'Ben', just who Ben was. Mr. Affleck ticked off all the boxes, a Ben, an uncle, not a racial stereotype and, except for maybe Daredevil, Gigli, Jersey Girl, The Accountant, Pearl Harbor and his turn as Batman, fairly well-liked."
"With this change, we've fixed everything, so we can all get back to enjoying this fine line of rice products, now available in microwavable pouches."
Asked if he anticipated any blowback for replacing a black mascot with a white one, Dervish responded, "Oh, for . . . Geez, we're done here."
Details and terms of Mr. Affleck's involvement were not revealed and Mr. Affleck or his representatives did not respond to our requests for comment.
Illustration by Martin Kozlowski
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