A Greenland Shark, estimated to be nearly 400 years old, has been discovered in the Arctic Ocean. Wandering the seven seas since the 1620s, it is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet. We caught up with him recently for an interview (edited for length and content).
Q: What’s it like being 400 years old?
A: Eh, it’s not so bad. Though, sometimes I'll be in the Gulf Stream and forget why I went there.
Q: We understand you knew Moby Dick.
A: What a putz.
Q: You didn’t like him?
A: Not as much as his brothers, Moby Tom and Moby Harry. Nobody remembers them but very nice. Not that smart, maybe, but sweethearts, the both of them. As for Dick, after that book, the fame went to his head. Sure, it was a terrible burden, one whale having to be the metaphor for all of nature, and on top of already being albino. That’s a lot of pressure. But, oy, he never stopped talking about it. It was always with the, ‘Hey, I sank a boat’ and ‘I ate Captain Arab…’
Q: Ahab.
A: Whatever. After a while nobody wanted to migrate with him. He sang solo, if you know what I mean.
Q: I’m not sure that I do but, let’s move on…
A: Last I heard he got dynamited on a beach in Oregon.
Q: What’s the secret to living so long?
A: Seafood. Fresh seafood. I stay in the colder Scandinavian waters for all the fish — millions of ‘em. That and the socialized medicine. I’m also a para-vegetarian, I eat only fish that eat only plants. Kidding! I’ll eat anything that moves slower than me. But, freshness, the fresher the better, that’s the key. And not getting eaten by whales.
Q: Whales don’t eat sharks.
A: That’s what they want you to think.
Q: Have you ever eaten a human?
A: I may have taken a nibble here and there back in the day. But as part of a steady diet, no. It’s just not worth it in the end. You folks don’t taste half as good as you think you do. Plus, snack on one surfer and the next thing you know everybody with a boat is chasing you around and you wind up stuffed and mounted on somebody’s wall.
Q: Do you like being referred to as the “Keith Richards of Sharks”?
A: Keef’s still alive? Wow. Who’d’ve thought. I haven’t really followed the Stones much since “Exile on Main Street,” they really lost me with their detour into disco.
Q: Do you resent being portrayed in popular culture as malevolent killing machines?
A: It’s a little unfair, maybe. I would characterize us as “eating machines” because, yeah, we’re always on the hunt for food, who isn’t? I’m not saying that a very hungry and cranky shark hasn’t occasionally done something a little crazy, maybe but, hey, nobody’s perfect, right? Funny, but we’re only thought of as evil when we eat one of you.
Q: What do you think of Jaws, Shark Week and Sharknado?
A: “Jaws” I saw as a tragedy; poor bastard shark finds a plentiful feeding area — they were practically throwing themselves at him — and then the food fights back. Worthy of Rod Serling or O. Henry. I could have used some more back-story but maybe that's just me. Shark Week, I gotta admit I just don’t get it; hours of watching someone else eat. What’s that about? “Sharknado”? I couldn’t make it through even the first one. The special effects were just so terrible.
Q: What are your plans for the future?
A: Well, I really have no concept of time. I swim, I eat, I swim some more. That’s about it. Life doesn’t have to be all that complicated.