Ant Farmer's Almanac

Dictionarium

Occam's Raisinets [Ahk-umz ray-zuh-nets]

They're just raisins.

GOP Leadership Develops Impenetrable Resistance to Redemption by Visits from Christmas Ghosts

"If we give every Tom, Dick and Harry in America $2000, where will we get the money to keep prisons and workhouses in operation?" ask Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, adding, "There are still workhouses, right?"

 

 

England to Drop Superfluous “U” from Words Such as “Colour,” “Flavour,” “Harbour,” “Humour,” “Labour,” “Rumour” and "Four" as Part of Post-Brexit Austerity Plan

The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?”

 

GOP Achieves Herd Immunity Against Facts

"This is an historic milestone," tweeted White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, "At this pace, we'll have overcome reality itself by the second quarter of 2021."

 

Despite Check Signed by Putin Covering Trump's $400 Million Debt with "For Services Rendered" on Memo Line, GOP Still Skeptical About Russian Influence

"Anybody with $400 million to burn could have signed Putin's name," says Lindsay Graham, unconvinced by leaked pictures and internal documents from Deutschebank confirming that the check cleared, adding, "George Soros or Hunter Biden, maybe. We should hold hearings to find out who's responsible."

Doctors Pepper, Severinsen, Who, Kissinger, Strange, Octopus, Phil, Moriarity, Spock, Holliday, Seuss, Dre Tell WSJ's Joseph Epstein "Get Bent"

Noted Holders of Medical, Non-Medical and Honorary Doctorate Degrees Pledge Support of Ed.D. Holder Jill Biden’s Use of Title “Dr.”

In an open letter objecting to Joseph Epstein's Wall Street Journal opinion piece in which he asserted, "No one who hasn't delivered a baby should be called "Doctor," and chided Dr. Jill Biden for doing so, a group of luminaries, all of whom are known as "Doctor" or "Doc" but none of whom ever delivered a baby, strongly took issue.

The group which includes doctors past, present and fictional, all prominent in their respective fields, noted that such a title is earned only afters years of dedicated study and hard work and that even when given as an honorarium or a nickname, is bestowed only on those with stellar achievements to their name. "They don't just hand these out to anybody," the letter ends, "It's not like the Medal of Freedom, or a presidential pardon."  

 

GOP Officials Rush to Commit Crimes for Which They Could be Pardoned by Trump

"Without a pardon by Trump for some wrongdoing done on his behalf," said one Republican congressman, "You simply have no future in the GOP."