Ant Farmer's Almanac

Clapton Demoted to Guitar Demigod

MT.  OLYMPUS (AFA NewsWire) In a statement following a unanimous vote by the Council of Deities, it was announced that Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, renowned British rock and roll guitarist, has been demoted from "Guitar God" to "Guitar Demigod."

It is believed Clapton's controversial antivax stance -- including a recent song promoting it -- proved to be the final of many last straws against him here in the ethereal plane. 

"He's really turned out to be quite the dickhead, what with one thing after another," said Dionysus, "He used to be so much fun."

 

Study Suggests Need for Further Research

Researchers, however, insist findings indicate that no more study is called for. 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

Dictionarium

non·u·men·tal

adjective

/ˌnänyəˈmen(t)l/

Way less impressive than expected, if not a complete disappointment: “Not really such a big deal”.