Ant Farmer's Almanac

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny there is an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

"Heads I Win, Tails You Lose" Now Official Campaign Strategy for All GOP Candidates

"We're in it to win it," states a recently leaked text sent to all Republican candidates running for office at every level, "Losing is not an option—even if you do—so if you want any of our sweet, sweet deep-pocket RNC campaign funding, you'll start declaring victory now. Today. Before the voting starts. Only losers admit to losing. Seriously, if you can't deny reality and lie to your constituents with a straight face before you're elected, how are you gonna manage when you're in office?" 

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."