Ant Farmer's Almanac

NY Times Demands Harris State Her Policy Positions on Windmill Cancer, Shark v Electrocution, Haitian Cuisine, Canada's Giant Faucet, Hannibal Lecter and Whether "The Bear" Really Belongs in the Emmy Awards' Comedy Category

One Times editorial page pundit skeptical about Harris sniffed haughtily, "Say what you will about Trump but, he's made it very clear where he stands on the important issues and Harris owes it to us to do the same," adding, "We'd also like to know if she's changed her opinions on the 'Laurel v Yanni', 'Gold Dress v Green Dress' and the 'Taste Great v Less Filling' controversies of the past."

 

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.

 

“If She’d Been Any Good at Her Job There, She’d be Manager by Now”

The Trump campaign continues to cast doubt on Kamala Harris having worked at McDonald’s, while also insisting that her never being McDonald’s “Employee of the Month” is evidence of her incompetence at the job.

“That she left to go to law school and seek another profession entirely is all the proof you need that she wasn’t even qualified enough to run the shake machine,” said JD Vance, in response to reporters' question about climate change. 

In other news, Trump says Mexico will pay for the free IVF he's promising.

 

RFK Jr. Supporters Scramble for New Candidate to Waste Votes On

Upon the news of him suspending his campaign and endorsing Donald Trump for president, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s supporters found themselves unsure of what to do next. 

"I'm waiting to hear what the worm in his head has to say before making any major decision," said one supporter, "Just like Bobby does."

 

Harris Wearing Tan Suit Disqualifies Her from Presidency, Claim MAGA Media Pundits

"We must only have presidents wearing suits darker than they are," insist commentators from across the MAGA media-sphere, just before collapsing onto the nearest fainting couch, "I mean, can you imagine Donald Trump in seersucker? The horror, the horror..."

 

Harris Supporters Adopt Name, "Kamablers" in Response to Trump's Weird Mispronunciation

"He probably thought it was a clever insult," said one of the new group of Harris campaign activists, "But, that's presuming he thought about it at all." 

 

Trump Removed from White House Lawn While Holding Boombox Playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" Over His Head in Bid to Tempt Biden Back Into Presidential Race

"Honestly," said one Secret Service official at the scene, "We were surprised he could hold his arms up for that long."

 

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Biden Didn't Say He's "1000% Committed to Staying in Race"

"Once he makes that statement, the other shoe has dropped," said one DNC operative, "And we'll know for sure he's dropping out,"

Trump Narrows Down VP Picks to Former Spokesmen/Alter Egos John Barron, David Dennison and John Miller

"Let's face it, they were made for this job!" said a Trump campaign insider about John Barron, aka John Miller, aka David Dennison, all Trump spokesmen and alter egos from his New York real estate days, "They're closer and more loyal to Trump than anyone else could be and, being fictional, are beyond scrutiny, accountability or prosecution," adding enthusiastically, "Plus, it would free up the Naval Observatory for use as an Air B&B, a casino resort hotel or we could sell it as military surplus; I mean, it's on land, what good is it to the Navy?"

 

"We'll Know It When We See Who's Doing It"

Supreme Court Majority responds to question of distinguishing between "official" and "unofficial" presidential behavior.

 

Anticipating Changing Trends, Remake of "The Untouchables" Reimagines Al Capone as Successful Businessman Unfairly Persecuted by Deranged Elliot Ness and J. Edgar Hoover's Corrupt, Crooked FBI.

New ending has Capone representing himself in court, where he delivers a dramatic closing argument, denouncing the totally rigged trial, the haters and losers and the deep state. This sways the jury to vote for his acquittal without deliberation and declare him exempt from any and all past and future taxes. The jury also demands the immediate indictments of Ness and Hoover, who are seen being handcuffed by bailiffs as Capone is triumphantly carried out of court on the shoulders of his cheering supporters.

 

SCOTUS Affirms January 6 Rioter's Claim That He Wasn't There to Disrupt Government, "I Just Needed a New Lectern"

In a 6-to-3 majority opinion, the Court ruled that, "...just because you get convicted of a crime that you planned on committing, bragged about having committed, and were recorded on film while you committed it, doesn't mean you should, like, get in trouble or anything."

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

"They Will Be Parasite Non Grata!" Trump Vows to Deport All Brain-Eating Worms on Day One

"Just the other day a worm came up to me, big worm, strong worm, tears in his eyes, Sir, he said, Sir, you have the best brain this worm has ever seen and it would be an honor for me to crawl in there, nibble a bit of it and then die. I could die happy. But I said no. No worm will ever eat even the tiniest part of my big, beautiful brain, very good brain, some say the best brain, doctors have said they've never seen anything like it. I took that test, that cognersherrrrr test, remember, man, woman, person, camera, covfefe. . . "

 

Trump Denies Goading Judge Merchan Into Jailing Him to Avoid Attending Barron's High School Graduation

"It's fake news," insisted the former president and current criminal defendant, "From the minute I found about it, I vowed that the only thing that would keep me from this beautiful rite of passage, a great moment in, eh . . . my son's life, was being thrown, so unfairly, in jail for contempt of court in this case which, to be honest is contemptible, the whole thing. A sham, a miscarriage of justice. So unfair."

 

He Showed Up at the Governor’s Mansion with My Korean BBQ Delivery. Who Was I Supposed to Think It Was?

Kristi Noem tries to explain her debunked claim of meeting and staring down North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as a case of understandable mistaken identity, saying, “There aren’t that many Koreans in South Dakota to begin with, especially with that haircut,” adding, “We did have a stare down after I gave him his tip. He wasn’t happy about it but I definitely won that round.”

 

Tucker Carlson: "If Richard Nixon Had Shot Checkers, He'd Still be President!"

Reached for further comment or clarification, Carlson denied knowing anything about the statement, replying, "I don't have an Aunt Farmer. Who is this and how did you get my number!"

 

Startled Awake Up From His Courtroom Nap, Donald Trump Points at the Judge, Prosecutors, Jury Pool and Exclaims, "It Was All a Dream! And You Were There, And You, And YOU!"

"It was so real," said the ex-president and current criminal defendant, "I can't wait to go back there tomorrow!"

 

Trump to Record Audio Book of Bible, Have it Transcribed, Printed and Sold as "Trump's The Bible, According to Me, Your Favorite President"

In a portion of the already taped special introduction to this unique edition of the Word of God, Trump gives listeners a glimpse of what they're in for, saying, "There'll be so much smiting, you'll get tired of all the smiting. And the begetting, there's even more of that but you won't get so tired of it," adding with his trademark sly grin, "Lots of begetting, I guess they didn't have too much else to do back then... which is a good thing, if you think about it, really. If they hadn't done all that begetting, where would we be now, amirite?"