Ant Farmer's Almanac

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

During LA Dodgers' Visit to White House, Shohei Ohtani Gets Pulled into Chinese Tariff Negotiations and Mookie Betts is Added to National Security Signal Group Chat

Despite limited English-language skills and no knowledge of Chinese at all, Ohtani successfully explained the infield fly rule to both sides. Betts, meanwhile, fended off suspicious inquiries about his identity from the chat group with a series of random emojis. 

Several other players were rounded up on their way to the Oval Office photo op by "overzealous" ICE agents, and transported "Back to where  they came from," namely, Brooklyn.

Upon hearing of the Dodgers' visit, Elon Musk stated, "What are they doing there? They should be hacking into the Department of Homeland Security's mainframe this afternoon.

 

Trump Vows to Continue Work Started by Guy Who Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk on January 6

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz Tapped for US Attorney General.

New York Times Officially Changes Slogan from "All the News That's Fit to Print" to "Resistance is Futile"

After 127 years as the guiding motto of the New York Times, appearing on its front page daily since 1897, "All the News That's Fit to Print" has been updated to the more Trump administration friendly, "Resistance is Futile." The move is consistent with the Times' gradual shift away from objective news gathering and good faith analysis and opinion toward made-you-look clickbait.

In a related story, the Washington Post has replaced its slogan, "Democracy Dies in Darkness" with, "Democracy Can Also be Killed for Money in Broad Daylight with Lots of Witnesses."

Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent, Superman announced that his vow to fight for, "Truth, Justice and the American Way" will now be "The American Way, Whatever the Hell That is Just Now."

 

Annual "Better Them Than Us" Veterans Day Parade at Mar-A-Lago Acknowledges Existence of Suckers and Losers Who Served in Military

The line at the Mar-A-Lago omelet bar this morning briefly became an impromptu Veterans Day Parade when someone on it remembered that it was Veterans Day. 

"Oh, my," sighed one matron, "Is it November already?" 

Other diners debated which, if any, federal offices or banks might be open and whether they'd had this same conversation last. year.

One tuxedo-clad gent raised his mimosa as a toast to those who served, "Well, somebody had to do it, I'm just glad it wasn't me."

 

Trump Declares Himself Winner of NYC Marathon

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

Trump Declares His Personal Pronouns to be "Me/Mine"

Public response split between, "Sure, why not" and "Duh".

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

NY Times Demands Harris State Her Policy Positions on Windmill Cancer, Shark v Electrocution, Haitian Cuisine, Canada's Giant Faucet, Hannibal Lecter and Whether "The Bear" Really Belongs in the Emmy Awards' Comedy Category

One Times editorial page pundit skeptical about Harris sniffed haughtily, "Say what you will about Trump but, he's made it very clear where he stands on the important issues and Harris owes it to us to do the same," adding, "We'd also like to know if she's changed her opinions on the 'Laurel v Yanni', 'Gold Dress v Green Dress' and the 'Taste Great v Less Filling' controversies of the past."

 

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.

 

“If She’d Been Any Good at Her Job There, She’d be Manager by Now”

The Trump campaign continues to cast doubt on Kamala Harris having worked at McDonald’s, while also insisting that her never being McDonald’s “Employee of the Month” is evidence of her incompetence at the job.

“That she left to go to law school and seek another profession entirely is all the proof you need that she wasn’t even qualified enough to run the shake machine,” said JD Vance, in response to reporters' question about climate change. 

In other news, Trump says Mexico will pay for the free IVF he's promising.

 

RFK Jr. Supporters Scramble for New Candidate to Waste Votes On

Upon the news of him suspending his campaign and endorsing Donald Trump for president, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.'s supporters found themselves unsure of what to do next. 

"I'm waiting to hear what the worm in his head has to say before making any major decision," said one supporter, "Just like Bobby does."

 

Harris Wearing Tan Suit Disqualifies Her from Presidency, Claim MAGA Media Pundits

"We must only have presidents wearing suits darker than they are," insist commentators from across the MAGA media-sphere, just before collapsing onto the nearest fainting couch, "I mean, can you imagine Donald Trump in seersucker? The horror, the horror..."

 

Harris Supporters Adopt Name, "Kamablers" in Response to Trump's Weird Mispronunciation

"He probably thought it was a clever insult," said one of the new group of Harris campaign activists, "But, that's presuming he thought about it at all." 

 

Trump Removed from White House Lawn While Holding Boombox Playing Peter Gabriel's "In Your Eyes" Over His Head in Bid to Tempt Biden Back Into Presidential Race

"Honestly," said one Secret Service official at the scene, "We were surprised he could hold his arms up for that long."

 

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Biden Didn't Say He's "1000% Committed to Staying in Race"

"Once he makes that statement, the other shoe has dropped," said one DNC operative, "And we'll know for sure he's dropping out,"

Trump Narrows Down VP Picks to Former Spokesmen/Alter Egos John Barron, David Dennison and John Miller

"Let's face it, they were made for this job!" said a Trump campaign insider about John Barron, aka John Miller, aka David Dennison, all Trump spokesmen and alter egos from his New York real estate days, "They're closer and more loyal to Trump than anyone else could be and, being fictional, are beyond scrutiny, accountability or prosecution," adding enthusiastically, "Plus, it would free up the Naval Observatory for use as an Air B&B, a casino resort hotel or we could sell it as military surplus; I mean, it's on land, what good is it to the Navy?"

 

"We'll Know It When We See Who's Doing It"

Supreme Court Majority responds to question of distinguishing between "official" and "unofficial" presidential behavior.