Ant Farmer's Almanac

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Latest Executive Order Lets Elon Musk Decide Outcome of Super Bowl LIX with Trump Signaling Winner via Thumbs-Up/Thumbs-Down Gesture from Stadium Skybox

"Whether the Eagles win or lose," said an experienced oddsmaker on game day, "There's gonna be a lotta broken store windows and burnt police cars in Philly tomorrow morning."

 

"Molly of Denali" Retitled "Molly of McKinley"

In related news: CBS pauses production of its three FBI series until further notice. Rumors are swirling of a Trumpish retooling entitled, "FBI: The Revengening", or that it would continue as "FBI: The Multiverse", more sci-fi-ish and with differing timelines and parallel universe storylines, including an outlandish one that continues as if the rule of law was still the law of the land.

 

Sudden Appearance of Jefferson Davis Portrait in Oval Office Surprises No One

"It was startled when I first saw it," said a White House staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, "But then I thought, yeah, sure. It was kind of inevitable."

 

Trump Claims Credit in Advance for Lowering Nation's Cholesterol with Higher Egg Prices

"You're welcome," said the president at a press conference this afternoon, during which he touted the anticipated health benefits of a coming absence of eggs in the American diet due to high prices and supply shortages because of bird flu, "When your doctor tells you in a few months that your cholesterol has never been better, you can thank me, and you should, for saving your life and the life of your arteries. Soon, cardiologists, big cardiologists, strong cardiologists, tears in their eyes, will come up to me saying 'Sir, sir, you ruined my business but saved many lives, you protected my patients whether they wanted it or not.' I look forward to that, and you owe me. Bigly."