Ant Farmer's Almanac

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

The New York City Emergency Services Preparedness Manual's Secret Chapter on Dealing with an Alien Invasion.

7. If the aliens are wearing fanny packs and waiting in line at the Times Square TKTS booth, they're probably just in town for the weekend. However, if they don't get in to see The Book of Mormon or didn't realize that Cats isn't still playing on Broadway, they might vaporize the neighborhood in retribution.

6. Illegally parked alien craft should not be towed to the vehicle impound lot at Pier 76 in Manhattan, they should instead be taken to the vehicle impound lot at the Brooklyn Navy Yard. 

5. Subways, PATH, LIRR and Metro North trains will run on or close to their regular weekday schedules; except for any line(s) that use tunnels the aliens have chosen for nesting and/or abductee-probing. Those lines will run on a weekend/holiday schedule. Expect delays.

4. If they ask you "How do you get to Carnegie Hall", don't get cute, just give them the directions.

3. Alternate side of the street parking rules will be suspended until such time as our new alien overlords command us to reinstate them (appx 5-to-7 days).

2. The ban on smoking indoors is to be rescinded and replaced with, "Smoke 'em if you got 'em".  

1. Whether there's another secret chapter on how to deal with zombie invasions or Mayan-style apocalypse.

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Bob Dylan

7) Who Mr. Jones is?

6) Renaldo & Claire, WTF?

5) What he just said.

4) What he said just before that.

3) Is he still Jewish or what?

2) Do any of his songs mean anything?

1) How it feels.

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Why the Angry Birds are Angry

1) Birdbath water is always so cold.

2) Turbine jet engine intakes.

3) Creeped-out and jumpy from feeling like they're always being watched.

4) The Grammy's inexcusable snubbing of Justin Bieber.

5) Migrating! North, south, north south, year after year... enough, already! 

6) Green pigs. Those miserable, motherf***ing green pigs.

7) Windex®.

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: The House You Just Bought

1: The raccoons living in the attic have an ironclad 3-year lease.

2: In the Google Street View from six months ago, the place is covered in police crime scene tape.

3: The neighbors on both sides are named "Stepford."

4: The real estate agent failed to mention that the TV show the house had been featured in was Hoarders. 

5: Whether that weird noise is coming from your basement. 

6: That is not a koi pond in the backyard.

7: You'll find out... next Halloween.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

MOM'S APPLE PIE

1: Pre-made crust

2: Whether it's still "As American" when served "a la mode"?

3: Whose Mom?

4: Used a body double in the movie American Pie

5: Two words: Ritz Mock.

6: Long-running feud with Ace of Cakes' Duff Goldman.

7: Not as easy as they say it is.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

CHARLES DARWIN

1: Returned from his five-year-long voyage on the HMS Beagle with some awesome tattoos and the ability to swear fluently in several languages. 

2: Unsuccessfully tried to copyright the phrase, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"

3: Original assignment was to write reviews of "hottest" spring break destinations.

4: Grew the beard because, "Chicks dig beards."

5: Would never tell anyone what happened during shore leave in Rio de Janero.

6: If it hadn't been washed overboard on the return trip, the barbecued shrimp recipe he'd picked up in Australia would have changed history and made him a very rich man.

7: Under a pseudonym, wrote the lyrics to The Sloop John B.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

SMOKEY the BEAR

1: Quit smoking in 1966.

2: Senate candidacy sunk by "Loggers for Truth" accusations of his being a tree hugger.

3: Audtioned for, but did not get, the part of Boo-Boo in the Yogi Bear cartoons.

4: That's not him on the California State flag.

5: Of course he does. He's a bear. Where else is he gonna go?

6: That disco album of fire safety songs was NOT his idea and he is truly, truly sorry.

7: Can juggle while riding a unicycle, but can't dance to save his life.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

VALENTINE'S DAY

1: There there were several early Christian martyrs named "St. Valentine";  they all died horribly.

2: It isn't just a conspiracy by florists, chocolatiers and greeting card makers, but they're not exactly complaining, either.

3: Speaking of chocolate and romance, the Aztec Emperor Montezuma would fortify himself with a cup before "entertaining" his harem. We're just saying.

4: It's a terrible day for your birthday to be on. Not as bad as Christmas, but still.

5: The first Valentine's Day "card," is a poem sent by the French Duke of Orleans to his wife while he was in imprisoned in England. It reads, "Roses are red, violets are blue, the weather is terrible, the food's lousy, too." It was in French, of course, so it may lose something in the translation.

6: Among the Internet Movie Database's list of films with "Valentine's Day" in the title, seven are about the St. Valentine's Day Massacre and one is about a lovelorn zombie.

7: What you're gonna do when you forget it again this year.

(Candy heart from iheart.despair.com)

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

MRS. CLAUS

1)  Was briefly married to Willard Scott.

2)  Reindeer Games? Her idea.

3)  Has been on the naughty list like 16 times.

4)  Her eggnog is terrible.

5)  Is totally creeped out by elves.

6)  Once broke the rear window of Santa's sleigh with a golf club.

7)  Would like it if — just once — they could go out for Chinese food and take in a movie on Christmas Eve.

Photo above is not of actual Mrs. Santa Claus; seen here is renowned Mrs. Santa impersonator Harvey Fierstein. Furs by Dicker & Dicker of Beverly Hills.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

THE BOOK OF LOVE

1)  If it's on Kindle yet.

2)  Four chapters? That's all?

3)  "Never, never, never, never, ever? Really? Ever? 

4)  Who narrated the Books on Tape version.

5)  Its Amazon ranking.

6)  Where it's shelved; self-help, how-to, psychology,
fantasy/sci-fi, humor . . .

7)  Who wrote it.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

THOMAS EDISON

1)  Would deliberately shuffle his feet to build up static electricity from the carpet in his workshop, then zap unsuspecting visitors.

2)  Unfinished projects included a waterproof toaster and the electrically heated Snuggie.

3)  Created the New Jersey Turnpike's numbered exit system.

4)  The first recording of a human voice was a limerick about a "girl from Nantucket" made while Edison was testing his phonograph. He quickly recorded Mary Had a Little Lamb over it once he realized the device actually worked.

5)  Said that genius is "1% inspiration and 99% perspiration," and he would know, 'cause that guy "geniused like a horse," if you know what I mean. 

6)  Never occurred to him to attach a lowercase "e" to the beginning of the word for any item he'd just electrified (eBulb, eMusic, etc.), then copyright that.  

7)  Claimed the real "Genius of Menlo Park" was that real estate agent who sold him the property without mentioning that it was in Menlo Park, New Jersey, not Menlo Park, California.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

WHAT YOU JUST ATE

1)  Why it didn't taste more like chicken.

2)  The expiration date.

3)  What Michael Pollan thinks of it.

4)  How they got all that cheese in there.

5)  What wine could've gone with it.

6)  If it comes on a stick.

7)  Whether it's gonna leave a stain on your shirt.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

NAPOLEON BONAPARTE

1)  Didn't really mind being short

2)  Okay, except maybe when he needed something from a really high shelf

4)  Or when he wasn't allowed on carnival rides

3)  Or being nicknamed "Frodo"

5)  And prom night (don't even ask)

6)  Always being steered to the "ponies" section of the stable

7)  Listening to Josephine gripe about "Always having to wear flats"

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

THE BIG BAD WOLF

1)  Was pretty average size for a wolf.

2)  Those three pigs? They had it coming.

3)  Did his own stunts.

4)  In autobiography, reveals that Riding Hood's grandma was a major cougar and the whole thing was totally consensual.

5)  Supported Sarah Palin.

6)  Chafed at being typecast but, hey, work is work.

7)  Real name: Wolfowitz.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

1) Actually liked birds.

2) Was so afraid of clowns he wouldn't make a movie about them — not even one about how creepy they are.

3) Lost a hot dog-eating contest at Pink's in Hollywood to Orson Welles.

4) Mortified the cast and crew by wearing a speedo bathing suit while filming Lifeboat.

5) Liked shooting on location in San Francisco because it had way better Chinese take-out than LA.

6) The TV show, Alfred Hitchcock Presents, was a musical variety program for its first three seasons.

7) His patented phrasing of "Good Eev-ening" is actually patented and if you say it that way you owe his descendants $35. 

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

LASSIE

1) Spent nearly a decade pursuing a lawsuit against gossip columnist Hedda Hopper for calling her a "bitch."

2) Early in career, worked with a voice coach to lose her Brooklyn accent.

3) Would never confirm or deny the persistent rumor that she'd had a litter of pups by Rin-Tin-Tin.

4) Was dyslexic and saw her lines as "Foow! Foow!"

5) Lied about her age, insisting that the dog to human-years ratio was only 1:4 not 1:7.

6) Her tail wagged both ways, if you know what I mean.

7) When her showbiz career ended, she retired to "a nice farm out in the country."

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

THE MAYAN 2012 DOOMSDAY CALENDAR

1) Was created as a promotional advertisement for local dry cleaners.

2) Lists Cinco de Mayo, but on March 12th.

3) Consistently misspells "Quetzalcoatl."

4) Makes no mention of Columbus or conquistadors, but warns ominously of "The one with strange hair who builds shiny pyramids and has many apprentices."

5) Originally available in a Page-A-Day format.

6) Fine print includes the disclaimers, "Past performance is no guarantee of future results" and "Your mileage may vary."

7) Final entry for December 21, 2012 reads, "Partly Cloudy, Chance of Apocalypse."

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

BEN FRANKLIN

1) That whole flying a kite in the lightning storm business — he was just really drunk.

2) When writing newspaper editorials under the pseudonym "Mrs. Silence Dogood" he wore a hoopskirt and corset to "get in character."

3) Didn't really need bifocals, just invented them to look twice as smart.

4) Started the rumor of a "Place Where the Naked Ladies Dance" as a favor to the French Tourism Board.

5) Beat George Washington for the spot on the $100 bill in a best of three rock, paper, scissors.

6) Franklin did not "invent" electricity. That was Thomas Edison.

7) His motto, "Early to bed, early to rise..." had nothing to do with sleep.

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

CHAIRMAN MAO

1: Disliked physical contact, hugging especially; aides would warn visiting dignitaries "Please don't squeeze the Chairman."

2: Preferred Colonel Sanders to General Tso.

3: His "Little Red Book" Quotations of Mao Tse-Tung was originally bound in black, but the publisher convinced him a red cover would have it "flying off the shelves."

4: Did a pretty good imitation of Jackie Gleason's signature "And Away We Go!" routine.

5: Pronounced it "nuculur."

6: As a gag, had Chinese restaurant take-out menus slipped under President Nixon's hotel room door every night during his historic 1972 visit.

7: Worried Andy Warhol's portrait made him "look fat."

7 Things You Didn't Know About:

CHAOS THEORY

1: A butterfly flapping its wings in Brazil will not lead to a tornado in Texas; but look out Rhode Island!

2: Can kick string theory's ass.

3: There is some controversy over the existence of chaotic dynamics in economics and plate tectonics.

4: It is the only possible explanation for my filing system.

5: The first symposium on Chaos Theory was held in 1977; disco became popular shortly thereafter. Coincidence?

6: Still gets royalties for use of its name in the TV show Get Smart.

7: Is actually very tidy.