Ant Farmer's Almanac

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s Latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by the Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

J.D. Vance Eager to Meet His Associates and Get to Work Ranking Car Values

Trump to Take Oath of Office on Five Foot-Tall Stack of His Own Bibles to be Sold on eBay

The stack of 30 2"-thick American Patriot's Bible®, on which Trump will be sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, will be signed by him and offered for sale on eBay to the highest bidders, with a reserve price of $999.95. But wait -- An additional 1,000 copies of the APB® that are "guaranteed" to have been in or near the Capitol Rotunda during the ceremony, will also go on sale, albeit unsigned and at a reserve price of $499.95. 

 

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

Trump Organization Pledges to Look Up Definition of "Ethics"

"We meant to do this at the beginning of the first Trump administration, as it was all new to us and were unsure how it fit in with our business model," said a company spokesman, on condition of anonymity, "But then we got all bogged down with the investigations, indictments, conflicts of interest, laundering hush money payoffs, lawsuits, cover-ups, hiring lawyers, not paying them, hiring new lawyers, filing paperwork to delay court appearances and all," adding, "Mind you, this is only regarding the businesses Trump has interests in, not anything about his behavior as president."

 

Amazon and Starbucks' Strikes Panics Consumers Now Unable to Go Out for Coffee or Order Online What's Needed to Make it At Home

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it."

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

Elon Musk Pitching Remake of "Back to the Future" with Tesla Cybertruck in DeLorean Role

In what is seen as a Hail Mary bid to keep his pet-project Cybertruck from joining the Ford Edsel, the Yugo hatchback and the DeLorean DMC-12 as a laughingstock, punchline and notorious automotive failure, Elon Musk is hurriedly throwing together a deal to remake "Back to the Future," this time recasting Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean as a Tesla Cybertruck.

"While the DeLorean was just as poorly conceived, designed and manufactured as the Edsel or the Yugo," said a spokesman for Musk, "It's remembered fondly and still considered cool because it was in a popular movie and they weren't." 

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

Immigrants, Trans Kids & DEI at USGS Blamed for Friday's Earthquake

Agency denies any role in tectonic plates shifting.

Elsewhere, NASA reports getting threatening messages accusing its "Godless pro-science slant" for causing Monday's eclipse.

 

MAGA Optometrists Denounce Transition and Progressive Lenses

Group denies affiliation with bifocal and sunglass industry.

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny there is an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.

 

Ken Jennings, Mayim Bialik Slated to Guest Host During Rachel Maddow's Sabbatical

MSNBC denies rumor that Michael Richards was invited to fill in but acknowledges that, while Keith Olbermann would be welcome, "Nobody's seen him lately or even knows where he is at the moment."

 

 

Hairpiece William Shatner Wore on Blue Origin Space Flight to be Sold on eBay

Representatives of the 90-year-old actor declined to comment about the online auction's authenticity, Shatner's participation in it, and whether the Star Trek legend had stuffed another three toupees into his space suit pockets for sale as well.

 

 

Study Suggests Need for Further Research

Researchers, however, insist findings indicate that no more study is called for.