Ant Farmer's Almanac

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

Immigrants, Trans Kids & DEI at USGS Blamed for Friday's Earthquake

Agency denies any role in tectonic plates shifting.

Elsewhere, NASA reports getting threatening messages accusing its "Godless pro-science slant" for causing Monday's eclipse.

 

MAGA Optometrists Denounce Transition and Progressive Lenses

Group denies affiliation with bifocal and sunglass industry.

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny there is an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

"It Was Her Final Wish to Spend Eternity Next to Jimmy Hoffa"

Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.

 

Ken Jennings, Mayim Bialik Slated to Guest Host During Rachel Maddow's Sabbatical

MSNBC denies rumor that Michael Richards was invited to fill in but acknowledges that, while Keith Olbermann would be welcome, "Nobody's seen him lately or even knows where he is at the moment."

 

 

Hairpiece William Shatner Wore on Blue Origin Space Flight to be Sold on eBay

Representatives of the 90-year-old actor declined to comment about the online auction's authenticity, Shatner's participation in it, and whether the Star Trek legend had stuffed another three toupees into his space suit pockets for sale as well.

 

 

Study Suggests Need for Further Research

Researchers, however, insist findings indicate that no more study is called for. 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

Amid Accusations of “Species Appropriation,” Fox's Animated Show “Housebroken” Shuts Down Production to Recast Voice Actors with Actual Animals Portrayed

In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, adding, “Besides, everybody likes ponies.”

 

New Ennuija Board Game Responds to Every Question With “Meh”

In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”,  “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!"

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

England to Drop Superfluous “U” from Words Such as “Colour,” “Flavour,” “Harbour,” “Humour,” “Labour,” “Rumour” and "Four" as Part of Post-Brexit Austerity Plan

The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?”

 

Trumpcare Drops Promised Coverage of Exorcism, Snake Bite Medicine, Leeches

In a last-minute revision of the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare, Republican legislators removed a clause that (after the deductible) would have covered the cost of exorcism, patent medicines, and bloodletting. As Speaker Ryan stated, “Consumers will still have access to such traditional remedies as Christianity based faith healing, and a wide variety of snake bite elixers, and leeches, but the AHCA isn't gonna pay for them.”

Additionally, 'The vapors', 'Ill bodily humors', and "the heebee-jeebees' were re-classified as pre-existing conditions.

 

By Any Other Nameplate

DETROIT (AFA NewsWire) In response to President-elect Donald Trump's criticism of Chevrolet making cars in Mexico for the American market, General Motors Corporation today released the following statement:

Starting in January 2017, Chevy Cruze hatchbacks produced at our factory in Ramos, Mexico and sold in the United States will be rebranded as the Chevy "Cruz". 

The sedan model, manufactured in Lordstown, Ohio, will retain the Chevy "Cruze" badge. Both will continue to be made with shared components and built to the same specifications and standards. Trim options and pricing will be not be effected.

It is General Motors' belief that by labeling these vehicles' geographic origin, consumers can now purchase a fine Chevy product not only for its quality and styling but also as a unique opportunity to proudly display their political positions on NAFTA, trade protectionism versus globalization, and immigration issues in general.

Chevy Cruze? Or Chevy Cruz? It's up to you, America. Either way, we get your money.