Ant Farmer's Almanac

White House Gift Shop Now Selling MAGA Golf Pencils. Limit of Five per Customer

A new line of so-called "Collectible Commemorative Authentic Presidential MAGA Golf Pencils" is now on Sale at the White House Gift Shop as well as online and at LIV golf events. The 3/5-inch #2 HB pencils, pre-sharpened, are red with 45 MAGA 47 in large white print that wraps nearly around their circumference. Advertised as "Just like the ones your favorite president and multiple golf tournament champion, Donald J. Trump uses!" $50 for a box of five, one box per customer. A "Premium" collector's edition, featuring gold-ish colored pencils (the barrel, the lead is still #2 HB), one from each box of five "guaranteed" to have been used in drafting an Executive Order, is on offer for $500.

 

Study Suggests Need for Further Research

Researchers, however, insist findings indicate that no more study is called for. 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

Amid Accusations of “Species Appropriation,” Fox's Animated Show “Housebroken” Shuts Down Production to Recast Voice Actors with Actual Animals Portrayed

In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, adding, “Besides, everybody likes ponies.”

 

New Ennuija Board Game Responds to Every Question With “Meh”

In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”,  “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!"

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

England to Drop Superfluous “U” from Words Such as “Colour,” “Flavour,” “Harbour,” “Humour,” “Labour,” “Rumour” and "Four" as Part of Post-Brexit Austerity Plan

The controversial move has caused an uproar among traditionalists, especially those who believed separating England from the European Union would keep them “more British.” Still, the news was greeted with cheers from the printing and sign painting industries, with one tipsy cockney touching up a pub window's logo, noting, “Well, for once they’ve done the working man a favour ‘aven’t they? Woops, I mean ‘favor’ now, don’t I?”

 

Trumpcare Drops Promised Coverage of Exorcism, Snake Bite Medicine, Leeches

In a last-minute revision of the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare, Republican legislators removed a clause that (after the deductible) would have covered the cost of exorcism, patent medicines, and bloodletting. As Speaker Ryan stated, “Consumers will still have access to such traditional remedies as Christianity based faith healing, and a wide variety of snake bite elixers, and leeches, but the AHCA isn't gonna pay for them.”

Additionally, 'The vapors', 'Ill bodily humors', and "the heebee-jeebees' were re-classified as pre-existing conditions.

 

By Any Other Nameplate

DETROIT (AFA NewsWire) In response to President-elect Donald Trump's criticism of Chevrolet making cars in Mexico for the American market, General Motors Corporation today released the following statement:

Starting in January 2017, Chevy Cruze hatchbacks produced at our factory in Ramos, Mexico and sold in the United States will be rebranded as the Chevy "Cruz". 

The sedan model, manufactured in Lordstown, Ohio, will retain the Chevy "Cruze" badge. Both will continue to be made with shared components and built to the same specifications and standards. Trim options and pricing will be not be effected.

It is General Motors' belief that by labeling these vehicles' geographic origin, consumers can now purchase a fine Chevy product not only for its quality and styling but also as a unique opportunity to proudly display their political positions on NAFTA, trade protectionism versus globalization, and immigration issues in general.

Chevy Cruze? Or Chevy Cruz? It's up to you, America. Either way, we get your money.

 

Company Bites Spokesdog

Scene: Met Life HR Department.
Snoopy and Woodstock sit facing the desk of an (unseen) Met Life executive

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh. Waahh waahh-waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

What! Layed off? After 31 years? Just like that?

WOODSTOCK

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh.

WOODSTOCK

|||||||??

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Yeah, what severance package?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh-waahh, waahh-waahh. Waahh-waahh-waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

A nice farm in the country?

WOODSTOCK

!@#%$&*#*!!

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

That's such bullsh.... Hey, who are you replacing me with, anyway? Garfield? Marmaduke? That dog from "Family Guy"?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh.

Shows them new Met Life logo.

Waahh waahh-waahh-waahh!

WOODSTOCK

?!?!?!?!?

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

A logo! I'm getting dumped for a logo!?! It looks like an energy company rebranding itself after an oil spill. Your blimp's gonna deflate out of embarrassment...

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh...

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Focus groups preferred it? Focus groups of vegans? 

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh...

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Sarcasm's just the beginning, pal. You'll be hearing from my lawyers...

WOODSTOCK

|||||||||| !

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

When did you get a law degree?

WOODSTOCK

[Reading from employment contract]

|||||. |||||||. |||.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Termination at employer's discretion with or without cause is stipulated in item 8, section 3, paragraph 6. 

 I still have my Met Life insurance coverage, right?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Good grief.

 

 

 

Most Interesting Man on Mars

When Dos Equis beer "retired" the Most Interesting Man in the World with a one-way ticket to Mars, we wondered what he might accomplish on the Red Planet.

Here is our report:

Taught Mars Rover to "Fetch".

Established planet's first newspaper, the "Martian Chronicle".

UFOs headed for Earth now stop to ask him for directions and restaurant recommendations.

Singlehandedly negotiated peace with Venus.

Found the water NASA's been in search of for years and immediately made beer with it.

Convinced Martians to hold off attacking Earth until at least after the elections.

His presence has earned Mars four stars from Zagat's Guide.

Meteors, asteroids and deep space probes passing Mars won't leave the planet's orbit until he has waved at them.

Distant alien civilizations cite him as evidence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

Inspired Matt Damon to "Science the shit out of becoming half that interesting."

 

"Re-Introduced" Twinkies Actually From Huge Reserve Supply Stockpiled in New Jersey Warehouse Since 1986

New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

In Memorium

Milton M. Levine, the man who invented the ant farm, has died at the age of 92. RIP, Mr. Levine, without you, this site would probably have some really silly name.

7 Sure-Fire Signs That That Rock Band You Used to Really Like is Over the Hill

1: There are fewer than two surviving members onstage from the original group.

2: Band now has a horn section, all of whom inexplicably wear porkpie hats. Also, the obligatory trio of sexy, girl back-up singers move in unison and clap along to the songs they're not in just to stay awake. 

3: Front man performs second half of set from a Laz-Boy® recliner.

4: Their tribute band that you saw at a water park last summer sounded more convincing.

5: The Hell's Angels working security don't knife anybody.

6: The songs from "their latest album" that you've never heard of are just awful.

7: You found out about the concert and got tickets for it through AARP.

Today in Yesteryear

1836: Martin Van Buren is elected as the eighth president of the United States and then is never heard from again.

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

City of Cleveland Declares Itself Free Agent, Seeks Offers from Better Climates

With LeBron James Heading to Miami, Clevelanders Find No Reason to Remain

CLEVELAND (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) In the wake of LeBron James' leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, the City of Cleveland is now hoping to relocate to another part of the country; preferably one with milder winters.

"We're devastated, of course," says Thom Katt, professor of socio-anthropology at Case Western University, "But, for most of us, this is just the final of many last straws. Given the choice, most of us would move to Miami, too," adding, "And for millions and millions and millions of dollars, well duh! I mean, ask me again in February, I'd pay you to get me out of here! And I've got tenure!" Katt shuddered at the memory of frigid winter winds coming in from Lake Erie, muttering to himself, "So cold. So cold..."

As similar sentiments were expressed throughout the city, from Shaker Heights to Broadview Heights, Richmond Heights to Garfield Heights and University Heights to Middleburg Heights, the city council was called in to emergency session to discuss relocation offers from a large tract of marshland on the Louisiana Gulf Coast and several stretches of Arizona along the border with Mexico.

Although Drew Carey could not be reached for comment, his publicist's intern issued a statement wishing the Price is Right host's hometown all the best, confidently asserting that, "No matter where it winds up, Cleveland will probably still rock!" asking, "That is the place that rocks, right?"

It is not clear whether nearby Chagrin Falls would be included in the move.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.