Ant Farmer's Almanac

Elon Musk Pitching Remake of "Back to the Future" with Tesla Cybertruck in DeLorean Role

In what is seen as a Hail Mary bid to keep his pet-project Cybertruck from joining the Ford Edsel, the Yugo hatchback and the DeLorean DMC-12 as a laughingstock, punchline and notorious automotive failure, Elon Musk is hurriedly throwing together a deal to remake "Back to the Future," this time recasting Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean as a Tesla Cybertruck.

"While the DeLorean was just as poorly conceived, designed and manufactured as the Edsel or the Yugo," said a spokesman for Musk, "It's remembered fondly and still considered cool because it was in a popular movie and they weren't." 

 

By Any Other Nameplate

DETROIT (AFA NewsWire) In response to President-elect Donald Trump's criticism of Chevrolet making cars in Mexico for the American market, General Motors Corporation today released the following statement:

Starting in January 2017, Chevy Cruze hatchbacks produced at our factory in Ramos, Mexico and sold in the United States will be rebranded as the Chevy "Cruz". 

The sedan model, manufactured in Lordstown, Ohio, will retain the Chevy "Cruze" badge. Both will continue to be made with shared components and built to the same specifications and standards. Trim options and pricing will be not be effected.

It is General Motors' belief that by labeling these vehicles' geographic origin, consumers can now purchase a fine Chevy product not only for its quality and styling but also as a unique opportunity to proudly display their political positions on NAFTA, trade protectionism versus globalization, and immigration issues in general.

Chevy Cruze? Or Chevy Cruz? It's up to you, America. Either way, we get your money.

 

Company Bites Spokesdog

Scene: Met Life HR Department.
Snoopy and Woodstock sit facing the desk of an (unseen) Met Life executive

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh. Waahh waahh-waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

What! Layed off? After 31 years? Just like that?

WOODSTOCK

?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh.

WOODSTOCK

|||||||??

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Yeah, what severance package?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh-waahh, waahh-waahh. Waahh-waahh-waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

A nice farm in the country?

WOODSTOCK

!@#%$&*#*!!

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

That's such bullsh.... Hey, who are you replacing me with, anyway? Garfield? Marmaduke? That dog from "Family Guy"?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh.

Shows them new Met Life logo.

Waahh waahh-waahh-waahh!

WOODSTOCK

?!?!?!?!?

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

A logo! I'm getting dumped for a logo!?! It looks like an energy company rebranding itself after an oil spill. Your blimp's gonna deflate out of embarrassment...

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh...

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Focus groups preferred it? Focus groups of vegans? 

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh-waahh waahh, waahh-waahh...

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Sarcasm's just the beginning, pal. You'll be hearing from my lawyers...

WOODSTOCK

|||||||||| !

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

When did you get a law degree?

WOODSTOCK

[Reading from employment contract]

|||||. |||||||. |||.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Termination at employer's discretion with or without cause is stipulated in item 8, section 3, paragraph 6. 

 I still have my Met Life insurance coverage, right?

MET LIFE EXECUTIVE

Waahh.

SNOOPY

[in thought bubble]

Good grief.

 

 

 

Most Interesting Man on Mars

When Dos Equis beer "retired" the Most Interesting Man in the World with a one-way ticket to Mars, we wondered what he might accomplish on the Red Planet.

Here is our report:

Taught Mars Rover to "Fetch".

Established planet's first newspaper, the "Martian Chronicle".

UFOs headed for Earth now stop to ask him for directions and restaurant recommendations.

Singlehandedly negotiated peace with Venus.

Found the water NASA's been in search of for years and immediately made beer with it.

Convinced Martians to hold off attacking Earth until at least after the elections.

His presence has earned Mars four stars from Zagat's Guide.

Meteors, asteroids and deep space probes passing Mars won't leave the planet's orbit until he has waved at them.

Distant alien civilizations cite him as evidence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

Inspired Matt Damon to "Science the shit out of becoming half that interesting."

 

"Re-Introduced" Twinkies Actually From Huge Reserve Supply Stockpiled in New Jersey Warehouse Since 1986

New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

In Memorium

Milton M. Levine, the man who invented the ant farm, has died at the age of 92. RIP, Mr. Levine, without you, this site would probably have some really silly name.

7 Sure-Fire Signs That That Rock Band You Used to Really Like is Over the Hill

1: There are fewer than two surviving members onstage from the original group.

2: Band now has a horn section, all of whom inexplicably wear porkpie hats. Also, the obligatory trio of sexy, girl back-up singers move in unison and clap along to the songs they're not in just to stay awake. 

3: Front man performs second half of set from a Laz-Boy® recliner.

4: Their tribute band that you saw at a water park last summer sounded more convincing.

5: The Hell's Angels working security don't knife anybody.

6: The songs from "their latest album" that you've never heard of are just awful.

7: You found out about the concert and got tickets for it through AARP.

Today in Yesteryear

1836: Martin Van Buren is elected as the eighth president of the United States and then is never heard from again.

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

City of Cleveland Declares Itself Free Agent, Seeks Offers from Better Climates

With LeBron James Heading to Miami, Clevelanders Find No Reason to Remain

CLEVELAND (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) In the wake of LeBron James' leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, the City of Cleveland is now hoping to relocate to another part of the country; preferably one with milder winters.

"We're devastated, of course," says Thom Katt, professor of socio-anthropology at Case Western University, "But, for most of us, this is just the final of many last straws. Given the choice, most of us would move to Miami, too," adding, "And for millions and millions and millions of dollars, well duh! I mean, ask me again in February, I'd pay you to get me out of here! And I've got tenure!" Katt shuddered at the memory of frigid winter winds coming in from Lake Erie, muttering to himself, "So cold. So cold..."

As similar sentiments were expressed throughout the city, from Shaker Heights to Broadview Heights, Richmond Heights to Garfield Heights and University Heights to Middleburg Heights, the city council was called in to emergency session to discuss relocation offers from a large tract of marshland on the Louisiana Gulf Coast and several stretches of Arizona along the border with Mexico.

Although Drew Carey could not be reached for comment, his publicist's intern issued a statement wishing the Price is Right host's hometown all the best, confidently asserting that, "No matter where it winds up, Cleveland will probably still rock!" asking, "That is the place that rocks, right?"

It is not clear whether nearby Chagrin Falls would be included in the move.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

BP Hires Those Mentos & Coke Zero Guys

"At Least They Know a Little Something About Controlling Gushers," Experts Say

NEW ORLEANS (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Sources close to Fritz Grobe an Stephen Voltz, better known as Eepybird, say the duo has been tapped by British Petroleum in regards the ongoing Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Renowned for their wacky experiments demonstrating the propulsive power of Mentos-fueled Coke Zero®, the pair has gained internet fame for videos that show them creating a domino effect,  a "dancing fountain" and powering a vehicle using just the soda and candy. 

It isn't known what exactly BP intends for Grobe and Voltz to do. There is speculation that they are part of some outside-the-box scheme to plug the gushing hole. 

Far likelier is that BP means to capitalize on the huge number of hits its underwater web cams of the leak are getting by adding an additional video feed that is more entertaining as well as having a beginning, middle and — most importantly — an end.

Rumors that the Mythbusters team had been summoned to the White House for consultation could not be confirmed at press time.

Move Over Inkblots!

Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.

"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."

Example results include:

67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both. 

62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney. 

98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney. 

43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.

37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.

88% of gulf coast beach-front home owners saw falling property values.

A northward-bound migrating goose shown the picture began checking maps for alternate routes to Canada.

Seven blind men asked to describe the image by touch alone all agreed that it was an elephant.

67% of oil company executives clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in lost profits, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

First Butt Photocopied at Office Party the Following Week

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On This Day in History...

1959: The Barbie doll is introduced, forever warping girls' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look. It also warps boys' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look, and kicks off a fierce, decades'-long race among plastic surgeons to see who can create the most gravity defying bazoomage. 

State of the Union to be Sponsored by Apple iPad

Prez's Speech Rescheduled to Coordinate with Steve Jobs' iPad Rollout, Not to Avoid Conflict with Season Premiere of Lost, as Previously Reported 

WASHINGTON DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) As President Barack Obama's first State of the Union address approaches, documents alleging a product placement deal between the White House and Apple, Inc. are swirling around Capitol Hill.

Although sketchy about the amount or manner of remuneration, word is that during tonight's speech, and only hours after it was unveiled by Steve Jobs, the president will have with him a new iPad.

According to the rumored deal's rumored terms and conditions, the president will, "Personally carry the iPad to the podium," and do so in "...a strategic manner that makes the device and its logo visible from several camera angles"

Furthermore, it is stipulated that during his speech the president, "Glance down at his iPad as if referring to notes at least twice," and at some point, "Smile contentedly and remark, 'This thing is great; everybody should get one' and 'I wish we'd invested in these instead of GM'".

Inside-the-Beltway bloggers are also reporting that John Hodgeman, who plays the hapless PC in Apple's ad campaign, will be in attendance and will shout, "You lie!" from the gallery when the president makes his flattering remarks about the iPad.

Thanks, But We'll Stick With the Double-Stuffed Oreos Dipped in Eggnog

Charles Phoenix bakes a "Cherpumple".

Today in History...

1967: Displaying the sort of business savvy that will mark the company's entire history, the Beatles' Apple Records signs up the band "Grapefruit," whose only claim to fame is that it was the first band Apple Records ever signed up.