Ant Farmer's Almanac

Highlights from TWO Weeks in History

Selections from the August 2009 Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

17

1962: Beatles replace drummer Pete Best with Ringo Starr; Ringo does not say "Today-ay-ay, I consider myself-elf-elf, the luckiest man-an-an-an on the face-ace-ace-ace of the earth-rth-rth-rth..." but he really should have.

1969: Final day of Woodstock Festival; "Dude, Where's My Car Keys?"

2009: Ant Farmer's Almanac goes on two-week vacation.

18

1958: Fidel Castro makes a speech on Cuban pirate radio; it goes on for so long he also takes requests and does the drive-time weather and traffic.

19 

1991: Coup in Russia deposes Mikhail Gorbachev.

20

1989: Lyle and Erik Menendez shoot their parents; Charlton Heston starts watching his own kids more carefully.

21 

1858: First Lincoln-Douglas debate; perhaps the high point of American political discourse.

1968: Democratic Convention opens in Chicago; perhaps the low point in American political discourse (at least until roughly this date in 2012).

22 

1775: King George III proclaims American colonies to be revolting; courtiers quip, "You can say that again!"

23 

1960: World's largest frog (3.3 kg) caught in Equatorial Guinea; kid who found it breaks "World's Largest Wart" record a few days later.

24 

1869: Waffle iron invented; wrinkle-free waffles now available to everyone.

25 

1944: Paris liberated from Nazis; grateful Parisians immediately begin sneering at and overcharging American soldiers.

26

1952: Fluoridation of San Francisco's municipal water supply begins; this may or may not explain everything.

27

1667: Hurricane hits Jamestown, Virginia, earliest recorded such event in America; colonists spend rest of summer asking each other "Did you f***ing see that!"

28

1884: First known photograph of a tornado is made near Howard, South Dakota; it's not printed until March 1885 when the camera is found in Lincoln, Nebraska.

29 

1896: Chop Suey invented in NYC by chef of visiting Chinese Ambassador; an hour later he has to invent Peking Duck.

30 

1979: President Carter "attacked" by a rabbit on a canoe trip in Plains, Georgia.

31

1954: Census Bureau established, replacing the old "show of hands" method for counting people.

2009: Ant Farmer's Almanac returns from vacation; expect grouchy-at-being-back-at-work, but well-tanned posts for a while.

This Week in History

Selections from the July 2009 Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

12

1914: Babe Ruth makes his baseball debut and suggests serving hot dogs and beer inside stadiums so he won't have to order take-out during games.

1984: Geraldine Ferraro, of New York becomes the first female major-party VP candidate.

13

1865: Horace Greeley advises a young man to "Go west!"; the young man in question is puzzled by this since he'd asked Greeley for directions to Carnegie Hall.

1865: P.T. Barnum's museum burns down; he goes west.

14

1789: Bastille Day; citizens of Paris storm Bastille prison; they had been told it was full of cigarettes and stinky cheese.

1832: Opium is exempted from federal tariff duty; asked why, glassy eyed federal tariff officials just stare blankly into space.

1973: Phil Everly storms off stage declaring an end to the Everly Brothers; they reunite a decade later after stints with the Allman Brothers, Blues Brothers and the Pointer Sisters, respectively.

15

1929: In Oakland, California, the first airport hotel opens. While delighted by the in-room radio, guests note that the minibar's penny candy costs 15¢.

1971: Nixon announces he will visit China.

16

1769: Father Juniper Serra founds a mission in San Diego, but continues north when local indians tell him that "Dude, the surf up at Malibu is, like, totally awesome!"

1976: Extremely soft-rock duo Loggins & Messina break-up after 6 years.

17

1841: British humor magazine Punch first published.

1902: Baltimore's American League ballclub doesn't have enough men to field a team.

1917: British Royal family changes its name from Hanover to Windsor.

1935: Variety's famous headline "Sticks Nix Hick Pix." So true.

18

1536: Pope's authority declared void in England; stunned Italians say, "Really? You can just do that?"

1927: Ty Cobb's 4,000th career hit; it was some guy in the parking lot who was in his way.

1938: Pilot Douglas "Wrong Way" Corrigan arrives in Ireland instead of his announced destination of Los Angeles; consequently his reserved table at the Brown Derby is given to Don Ameche.

This Week in History

Selections from the May 2009 Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

25 

1895: Oscar Wilde is sentenced to 2 years hard labor for sodomy; sentence is extended when he giggles at the word "hard."

1961: JFK sets goal of putting a man on Moon before the end of decade and himself on Marilyn Monroe by the end of the week.

1986: "Hands Across America," an event in which 7 million people formed a human chain by holding hands from California to New York happens; there was a reason for this but we forget what it was.

1986: A 95-year-old woman scores a hole-in-one on a golf course in Florida; unfortunately, everyone else in the country is holding hands, so she doesn't get much in the way of applause.

26 

1994: Michael Jackson marries Elvis Presley's daughter Lisa Marie. Yeah, we still can't figure that one out, either.

2002: NASA probe finds evidence of water on Mars; it is bottled and way overpriced.

27 

1951: Chinese Communists force Dalai Lama to surrender his army to Beijing; Wait a minute... the Dalai Lama had an army?

28 

1961: After 78 years of operation, the Orient Express makes its final run; by tradition, just outside the last stop, suspects are gathered into the Parlor car and the murderer is revealed.

1997: Bob Dylan hospitalized in England with "histoplasmosis"; at least we think that's what he said.

29 

1138: Anti-Pope Victor IV (Gregorio) overthrows self for Innocentius II. What? You need a joke to go along with that?

1982: First papal visit to Britain since 1531; pontff remarks, "Love what you've done with the place."

1987: Michael Jackson attempts to buy Elephant Man's remains; incident is tipping point from "kinda eccentric" to "way creepy."

30 

1806: Andrew Jackson kills man in duel; Aaron Burr snips ‘Been there, done that.’

1889: The brassiere is invented.

1967: Evel Knievel jumps his motorcycle over 16 cars.

31 

1919: Mile High Club concept gets off to slow start with the first wedding held in an aircraft.

1969: John Lennon & Yoko Ono record Give Peace a Chance; world thinks it over for a moment then replies, "Nope. Not gonna happen."

This Week in History

17 

1673: Joliet & Marquette begin exploring the Mississippi; expedition is marred by pair's constant bickering over whether the river is "Big" or "Muddy."

1932: Congress changes the name "Porto Rico" to "Puerto Rico" but does not stipulate any change of pronunciation.

1961: Fidel Castro offers to exchange Bay of Pigs prisoners for 500 bulldozers; "The pretty yellow ones," he specifies.

18 

1980: Mount St. Helens blows its top.

19 

1792: Russian army enters Poland; Poles sigh and ask, "What is it this time?"

1977: Smokey & the Bandit premieres.

1979: In The Navy by the Village People hits #3 on the charts.

20 

1916:  First Saturday Evening Post cover by Norman Rockwell; the "Good Old Days" officially begin.

21 

1602: Martha's Vineyard is first sighted by Captain Bartholomew Gosnold; when he tries to land there, local indians tell him it's too late for this season but that he can fill out an application for the summer of 1603.

22 

1954: Bob Dylan is Bar Mitzvahed; he keeps asking how many of these he has to go through before you can call him a man.

1961: First revolving restaurant, Top Of The Space Needle, in Seattle, opens; business improves once they slow it down from 78 rpm to 33 1/3.

23 

1908: Dirigible explodes over San Fransisco Bay, 16 passengers fall into the water, none die; although none delightedly squeals "Wheeeeee!" all the way down, either.

1939: Hitler proclaims he wants to move into Poland; sends in troops to look for a cozy three-bedroom, split-level rancher with a nice view of Russia.

24 

1844: Samuel Morse sends first telegraph message, "What hath God wrought"; the second is, "Can you hear me now?"

This Week in History

Selections from the Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

11

1968: Richard Harris releases the song, MacArthur Park; even listeners who are high wonder if just maybe psychedelic rock thing hasn't gone too far.

1972: When, on the Dick Cavett Show, John Lennon claims that the FBI is tapping his phone, a voice offstage responds, "No we're not... oops."

12

1958: US performs a nuclear test at Enwetak; and by "test" we mean "Blew it to smithereens that will be radioactive for 6,000 years."

1963: Bob Dylan walks off the Ed Sullivan Show rather than sing duet with Topo Gigio.

1997: Tornado narrowly misses downtown Miami; is mercilessly teased by hurricanes for its poor aim.

13

1637: Cardinal Richelieu creates the table knife; meal-time sword mishaps become a thing of the past.  

1958: Richard Nixon‘s car is attacked in Venezuela by anti-American demonstrators; this won’t happen to him in the US until 1971.

14

1894: A fire in the Boston stadium bleachers spreads to 170 adjoining buildings; officials blame the Yankees.

1998: Amid unprecedented hype, the last episode of Seinfeld airs.

1998: Frank Sinatra dies; overheard on a NYC subway the next morning, "At least he got everybody to stop talking about Seinfeld".

15

1905: Las Vegas, NV founded on 110 acres of land won in craps game.

1992: Part of Cruger Avenue in the Bronx is renamed "Regis Philbin Avenue," although exactly which part of the street or Philbin is never specified.

This Week in History

Highlights from this Month's Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

21

1904: Ty Cobb's professional baseball debut; he goes 2 for 3 and shoots a guy in the dugout.

23

1616: William Shakespeare dies in Stratford-on-Avon. Many scholars now believe that someone else did the dying for him, and a few question whether he or Stratford-on-Avon ever even existed.

24

1897: William Price, of the Washington Star, is the first reporter assigned to cover White House. After weeks of his pestering, President McKinley has a junior staffer stand close by at all times and make helicopter noises over which he "can't hear" Price's shouted questions.

25

1886: Nestled between a cigar store and a donut shop, Sigmund Freud opens his first psychiatric practice in Vienna, Austria.

100 Years Ago in Ant Farmer's Almanac History

April 6, 1909: Americans Robert Peary & Matthew Henson reach the North Pole. Upon their return they steadfastly refuse to either confirm or deny that they found Santa Claus, but historians note that they each got a shiny new bicycle every Christmas for the rest of their lives.

This Week in History

Selected Highlights from the March Edition of the Ant Farmer's Almanac Calendar

23

1708: English pretender to the throne James III lands at the Firth of Forth in Scotland. Unfortunately, his followers are waiting for him at the Firth of Fifth, so he waits alone and never takes power.

1775: Firebrand founding father Patrick Henry proclaims "Give me liberty or give me death!" British reply, "Okey dokey, then," and begin loading their muskets.

24

1935: Major Bowes' Original Amateur Hour goes national on the NBC Radio Network; a young Simon Cowell amuses his friends with exaggerated eyerolls and snarky comments about the performances.

25

1960: D.H. Lawrence's Lady Chatterley's Lover is ruled "not really all that obscene" by a very disappointed New York appeals court.

1961: Russian satellite Sputnik 10 carries a dog into orbit; Soviet children are told that the dog returned safely and "was sent to live on very nice collective farm in country."

26

1804: U.S. Congress orders the removal of all Indians east of Mississippi to Louisiana; "Until we want that, too," they slip into the fine print when the Indians aren't looking.

27

1931: John McGraw predicts that night baseball will not catch on; "Because it's too dark at night to play baseball!" he exclaims, "Jeez, what is wrong with you people?"