Ant Farmer's Almanac

Flight Plan

 

And, We're Off...

Over the next 100 days, as we slog through the first leg of Donald Trump's term in office, I'll be keeping a sharp eye out for Trump or anyone in his administration doing any of the things I imagined in my book Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at the First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency, written a year ago, back in that rosy time when the idea of his actually getting elected was a wacky, farfetched notion. Hy-larious, believe you me...

Whenever one of my "predictions" pops up in reality, I'll note it and mark which of the first 100 Days I'd pegged it to.

Heck, even in the weeks between his election and his inauguration, three of my "forecasts" came (or came close to coming) true: The Donald proposed replacing Air Force One with Trump Air (Day 9 in my book); Supplemented his Secret Service detail with "private security" (Day 29 in my imagined timeline); and some people in Hawaii, however facetiously, have suggested that their state secede from the U.S. and appoint Barack Obama President for Life (Day 67, although I had them offering him the title of "Big Kahuna for Life").

What'll happen next? Wouldn't you like to know. Buy my book and you can play along at home, at work or from your favorite panic room or fallout shelter! Fun for the whole family, I tells ya.

Available on Amazon.com (or Barnes & Noble online, if you swing that way).

Was I right? Was I wrong? Watch this space.

 

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?" adding, "No, really, I need to know..."

 

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

The 12 Days of Trumpness

On the First day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
A Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Second day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Third day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fourth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fifth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Sixth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Seventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eighth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Ninth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Tenth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eleventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Twelfth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Twelve Angry Tweets
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

 

So Much for Satire...

Well, That Happened...
Let's See What Else I Got Right.

Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.

Moving the Goalposts

Maybe if Donald Trump had held onto the New Jersey Generals of the USFL, become general manager and had this press conference in 1984 or so, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now...

[scene: New Jersey Generals post-game interview]

REPORTER
So, how do you feel after that humiliating loss, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP
It was a beautiful game; a great game. I have all the best players and coaches. My cheerleaders, first rate; 10s all of them. I only hire the best -- the best of the best! Unbelievable!

REPORTER
But the Generals lost today. Big-time. The game was a blowout.

TRUMP
No, you're wrong about that. We won. We're winners. We always win. Losing is for losers.

REPORTER
The score was 57-12...

TRUMP
Ask our fans who won, they know, they'll tell you. Numbers don't mean anything.  

REPORTER
Ah, they kinda do...

TRUMP
That scoreboard was rigged; the whole league is rigged. If we lose -- and I'm telling you we didn't -- it wasn't a fair game. No way.

REPORTER
There were a lot of fumbles by your team and the other side played well, making some seventeen interceptions...

TRUMP
You see, right there! They only had the ball because they stole it from us! And the referees did nothing about it. 

REPORTER
Are you accusing the officials of rigging the game against you?

TRUMP
Many people are saying that, I don't know...

REPORTER
Your coaching staff often complains about your managerial interference, saying you insist they use nonsensical and risky plays ...

TRUMP
Wrong.

REPORTER
... and keeping in players who should probably have been on the disabled list, benched or traded... 

TRUMP
I don't know where this is coming from. Where did you get this?

REPORTER
... and more than one of them has said you personally are to blame for this season's poor record.

TRUMP
Lame excuses from lousy coaches. They should be embarrassed. I put together a winning team and they can't make it work. Sad.  

REPORTER
Players have said your rambling half-time locker-room talks, rather than inspiring them to rally, instead confuse, depress and even frighten them, and that your bizarre plays put them at tremendous physical risk...

TRUMP
Overpaid crybabies who can't take it -- they can't even dish it out, 'Ooh, I got a concussion and wanna go home,' Most of these guys come from the shittiest neighborhoods in the shittiest little towns, where they've been shot several times before they're 12. I pull them out of there, probably saving their lives and now they're whining about ligament tears, skull fractures and neurodegenerative disorders. Pathetic.

REPORTER
Didn't you just claim to have "All the best players and coaches?"

TRUMP
I never said that.

REPORTER
Do you have any comment about the multiple pending lawsuits from New Jersey Generals' cheerleaders about your alleged sexual harassment of them on and off the field?

TRUMP
Somebody get him out of here!

 

Groups Donald Trump Hasn't Insulted Yet*

Caped Superheroes

Mongol Hordes

Professional bowlers

The Gambino Family

Chiropodists

Elephant polo players

Visigoths

The Whiffenpoofs

The American Dental Association*

Shriners

Cast of 2 Broke Girls

Falconers

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Ice Road Truckers

Swedenborgians

Heugenots

Cat fanciers*

Cats*

Soccer hooligans

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants*

Emperor Penguins

The Allman Brothers

Maoris

Abonimable Snowmen* (see also, Bigfoot*)

Elvis impersonators

Orcs

The Property Brothers*

Basque Separatists

Leprechauns

Men Who Stare at Goats

The Danish Royal Family*

 

*Seems like an oversight on his part. We probably just missed it somehow.

 

Trump Children Seek Court Order to Oust Him From Business, Family

"It's nothing personal, just business... Okay, maybe a little personal"

February 14, 2017

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Citing their father's presidential campaign as Exhibit A, the grown children of Donald J. Trump have filed suit in New York State Supreme Court to have him forcibly barred from further involvement in the family business and, so far as possible, the family.

The brief presented by Donald Jr. and Eric Trump calls for removing the senior Trump from ". . . any position(s) of responsibility in all companies, corporations, partnerships or entities bearing the name "Trump". Daughters Ivanka and Tiffany are listed as Amici Curiae on behalf of the plaintiffs; son Barron is still a minor and not involved in the suit.

The real estate mogul spent the month after his humiliating presidential campaign loss refusing to concede defeat, calling for armed insurrection and threatening to sue the Electoral College and everyone who'd ever graduated from it. Since President Clinton's inauguration, he has been wandering through Central Park in his bathrobe, wearing Kleenex boxes for shoes and shouting at birds.

"It's one thing to promote assassination, incite mob violence and spout batshit crazy nonsense while running for office—that's just politics," said Donald J. Trump, Jr., "But now he's endangering the trademarked "Trump" brand name. Even Russian investors have stopped returning our calls."

The brothers Trump are so confident about their chances in court they are presenting their case without an attorney, relying instead on forms downloaded from LegalZoom.com. 

"If Dad was in his right mind," said Donald Jr., "I think he'd be proud of us about this, I mean, it's nothing personal, just business," adding after a moment's reflection, "Okay, maybe a little personal."

TALK TO THE HAIR: Get it While It's Still Satire

The hit eBook now newly revised, in an updated and lavishly illustrated print edition!

That's right, my look back at the future is here today!

With pictures by renowned editorial illustrator Martin Kozlowski. Order your copy through Amazon or get a sneak peak at Now What Media's book page.

Talk to the Hair offers a satiric first-100-day-by-day account of President Donald Trump making good on his campaign promise to "Make America Totally Classy Again!" From Inaugural Ball-related injuries to finding that good fences don't make for such good neighbors after all, the new president lets the chips fall where they may-ideally into one of his own casinos. And, when the going gets tough, The Donald turns to the diplomacy of Sarah Palin and the muscle of some guys named Vinny. However it turns out, it's gonna be YOOGE!"

Trump Slams Skeletons in Hillary's Closet as "Losers"

Promises His Administration's Scandals Will Be "Fantastic. Incredible, the Best Ever!"

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Asked if his general election campaign against Hillary Clinton would focus on scandal-mongering and mud-slinging, Donald J. Trump, offered a surprising insight into his presidential aspirations.

"Please," scoffed the presumptive Republican candidate, "The skeletons in Hillary's closet are losers, nobodies. When I'm president, my administration will have the most incredible scandals Washington has ever seen... and more of them."  

"These so-called 'scandals' about Hillary," said Trump, mockingly and making the air quotes gesture at the word 'scandals,' "They're just sad, pathetic... Email? Don't make me laugh. A couple of her real estate deals go south? Losing money on real estate? I do that just for the tax deduction! Her husband cheated on her? Pffft! Just you wait! Maybe she killed a guy, maybe not. Maybe or not I know what Jimmy Hoffa's last words were and which of my casino-resorts he's buried under."

Despite aides' frantic attempts to get him away from the microphone, Mr. Trump continued speaking.

"Every great president had scandals; Reagan, Nixon, Kennedy... I mean, JFK, c'mon, the mafia, the women, Marilyn Monroe! Admittedly, It'll be hard to top him on Marilyn but there will be women, believe me! Hot women, beautiful women. The best! And mafia? We'll have hot and cold running mobsters in every cabinet department; godfathers, gangsters, goodfellas..."

It was at this point the lights flickered, the sound system went silent and Trump was seen being hustled out of the room by his security detail, "For security reasons," said one of the unit left behind to make sure he wasn't followed.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Prebus put a positive spin on his party's presumptive nominee's statements, noting through a forced grin, "This is one campaign promise I think we can count on him living up to."

 

Dick Cheney Fires Back at Boehner's "Cruz is Lucifer" Remarks

"I know Lucifer," says Cheney, "Lucifer is a friend of mine and, believe me, Ted Cruz is no Lucifer!"

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, WYOMING (AFA NewsWire) Former vice-president Dick Cheney took offense at comments made by former Speaker of the House John Boehner, describing Republican senator and presidential candidate Ted Cruz as, "Lucifer in the flesh."

"I know Lucifer," said Cheney, barely managing to contain his anger, "Lucifer is a friend of mine and, believe me, Ted Cruz is no Lucifer!"

Cheney went on to note that he was in a far better position to judge than Boehner, "I haven't served the Prince of Darkness for all this time without learning a little something about his character," adding, "Ted Cruz is nothing more than a Beelzebub wannabe, barely qualified to so much as shovel brimstone for the real Lucifer."

As for Boehner's opinion that he'd "Never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life," than Cruz, Cheney concurred, saying, "Yeah, he's right about that, the guy really is one nasty little prick."

 

Photo: Reuters/Joshua Roberts

 

 

Trump Drops Out of Race, Declares Himself 15th Dalai Lama

Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.

An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.

Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"

"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."

The Dalai then hinted at some of his immediate plans, "We're in talks with developers about a ski resort/casino complex near Lhasa," adding, "And maybe some condos."

Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."

Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "

 

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND

Letter Rip: Top 10 Excuses from Senators for Having Signed Tom Cotton's Open Letter to Iran

This helpful pie chart displays the most popular excuses being offered by Republican senators for having signed on to senator Tom Cotton's letter to Iran.

(Click on pie chart to embiggen for easier reading)

Palin Aide Explains Bizarre Iowa Speech

Wasn't a 'Teleprompter Malfunction', Insist Staffers, She Was 'Speaking in Tongues'

(DES MOINES  AFA NewsWire)  In the wake of a speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit that has even her most devoted followers shaking their heads in confusion, dismay and concern, a spokesperson for former Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered up an explanation.

"Clearly," said, Sandra Cass, speaking to reporters at a Des Moines Marriott, "Ms. Palin was speaking in tongues, something she does when moved by the spirit which, coincidentally, is pretty much every time she's in front of a microphone," adding, "The truly devout understand this, if not what she's actually saying. Frankly, I'm surprised none of you figured it out before now.

"The problem had nothing to do with a busted teleprompter," stated Cass, "Fact is the poisonous snakes she was meant to be handling while she spoke didn't make it here to Iowa, thanks to the politically correct nanny state. When we tried to get them through airport security, Obama's jackbooted TSA thugs told us to take our motherf---ing snakes off their motherf---ing plane, which clearly violates as many as several of our Constitutionally guaranteed rights," added Cass, indignantly, "To say nothing of the rights of the snakes."