"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas."
L.K. Peterson's Site of Writings, Random Thoughts & Doodles
Interesting! Provocative!
Well Seasoned!
"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."
Posted by Lairbo on 04/12/2023 at 10:22 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Media Circus, Music, People, Places and/or Things | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Joe Alwyn, Taylor Swift
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"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas."
Posted by Lairbo on 02/09/2024 at 07:44 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Music, People, Places and/or Things | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: flight, Superbowl, Taylor Swift, Tokyo
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Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".
In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.
Posted by Lairbo on 11/28/2022 at 12:46 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Dylan Apologizes
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The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to.
Posted by Lairbo on 08/12/2022 at 08:21 PM in Business Unusual, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: FBI raid on Mar-a-Lago, KFC
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"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.
Posted by Lairbo on 08/09/2022 at 12:25 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Media Circus, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: FBI Raid on Mar-a-Lago, Trump's Safe
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Donald Trump explains burying his first wife, Ivana, at his Bedminster, New Jersey Golf Course.
Posted by Lairbo on 08/02/2022 at 05:39 PM in Business Unusual, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Bedminster Golf Club, Ivana Trump
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Representatives of the 90-year-old actor declined to comment about the online auction's authenticity, Shatner's participation in it, and whether the Star Trek legend had stuffed another three toupees into his space suit pockets for sale as well.
Posted by Lairbo on 10/13/2021 at 04:41 PM in Business Unusual, Celebrity Hijinks, Media Circus, Science | Permalink | Comments (1)
Tags: Blue Origin, Jeff Bezos, Shatner, spaceflight, Star Trek, Toupee
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MT. OLYMPUS (AFA NewsWire) In a statement following a unanimous vote by the Council of Deities, it was announced that Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, renowned British rock and roll guitarist, has been demoted from "Guitar God" to "Guitar Demigod."
It is believed Clapton's controversial antivax stance -- including a recent song promoting it -- proved to be the final of many last straws against him here in the ethereal plane.
"He's really turned out to be quite the dickhead, what with one thing after another," said Dionysus, "He used to be so much fun."
Posted by Lairbo on 08/30/2021 at 09:04 AM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Dumbass, Media Circus, Music | Permalink | Comments (0)
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HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast.
“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”
ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI
Posted by Lairbo on 08/20/2021 at 12:58 PM in Business Unusual, Celebrity Hijinks, Games, People, Places and/or Things, Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: HAL 9000, Host, Jeopardy, Mike Richards
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“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”
At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”
Posted by Lairbo on 02/10/2021 at 12:19 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (3)
Tags: Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida, U.S.
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NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half.
Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork.
Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".
The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room:
Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.
Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.
Posted by Lairbo on 12/09/2016 at 07:49 AM in Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Dumbass, Food and Drink, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: pizza with knife and fork, Trump, Trump tweets
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On the First day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
A Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Second day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Third day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Fourth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Fifth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Sixth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Seventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Eighth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Ninth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Tenth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Eleventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
On the Twelfth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Twelve Angry Tweets
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words
Posted by Lairbo on 12/06/2016 at 07:10 AM in Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Holidaze, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, Christmas Carol parody, krampusnacht, Trump, Trump carols
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Well, That Happened...
Let's See What Else I Got Right.
Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.
Posted by Lairbo on 11/26/2016 at 09:57 PM in Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Future News You Can Use Now, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: dystopian satire, First 100 Days, President Trump, Talk to the Hair
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That's right, my look back at the future is here today!
With pictures by renowned editorial illustrator Martin Kozlowski. Order your copy through Amazon or get a sneak peak at Now What Media's book page.
Posted by Lairbo on 06/22/2016 at 08:25 PM in Books, Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Dumbass, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: First 100 days, president, satire, Talk to the Hair, Trump
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Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"
NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.
An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.
Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"
"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."
The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."
Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."
Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "
ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND
Posted by Lairbo on 03/05/2016 at 03:19 PM in Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual, Religion | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: 15th incarnation, Dalai Lama, Donald J. Trump, the Donald, Trump
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Oscar committee explains absence of Abe Vigoda in 2016 "In Memorium" reel.
Posted by Lairbo on 03/01/2016 at 08:51 AM in Celebrity Hijinks, Film, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Television | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: 2016 Oscars, Abe Vigoda, controversy, In Memorium
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(DES MOINES AFA NewsWire) In the wake of a speech at the Iowa Freedom Summit that has even her most devoted followers shaking their heads in confusion, dismay and concern, a spokesperson for former Alaska governor and Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered up an explanation.
"Clearly," said, Sandra Cass, speaking to reporters at a Des Moines Marriott, "Ms. Palin was speaking in tongues, something she does when moved by the spirit which, coincidentally, is pretty much every time she's in front of a microphone," adding, "The truly devout understand this, if not what she's actually saying. Frankly, I'm surprised none of you figured it out before now.
"The problem had nothing to do with a busted teleprompter," stated Cass, "Fact is the poisonous snakes she was meant to be handling while she spoke didn't make it here to Iowa, thanks to the politically correct nanny state. When we tried to get them through airport security, Obama's jackbooted TSA thugs told us to take our motherf---ing snakes off their motherf---ing plane, which clearly violates as many as several of our Constitutionally guaranteed rights," added Cass, indignantly, "To say nothing of the rights of the snakes."
Posted by Lairbo on 01/27/2015 at 04:07 PM in Campaign '16, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Media Circus, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: 2016 campaign, bizarre speech, Freedom Summit, Iowa, planes, Sarah Palin, snakes
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Posted by Lairbo on 07/23/2013 at 08:13 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Dumbass, Media Circus, Politics Unusual, Television | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.
Here is one possibility . . .
INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY
Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.
Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!
JULIA CHILD
(with gusto)
Bon Jour!
GUY FIERI
(Startled)
Julia Child!?!
JULIA CHILD
Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.
GUY FIERI
(Squinting at the TV)
Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!
JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP
(Breaking character)
Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.
GUY FIERI
Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...
JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP
Not on your life...
(Back in character as Julia Child)
Bon appetit!
The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark.
On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.
REMI
Hi, guy, I'm here to....
GUY
(Jumps up, moritified)
Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?!
REMI
But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!
GUY
(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)
Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...
REMI
(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)
But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...
Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.
Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.
GUY FIERI
Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!
ROBERT IRVINE
I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.
Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...
ROBERT IRVINE
(choking and gagging on some bacon)
Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.
His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.
Paula Deen enters
PAULA DEEN
Hiya, sugar!
GUY FIERI
Hi, Paula!
PAULA DEEN
"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"
She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.
PAULA DEEN
Oh, come to momma...
(addressing Fieri)
I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."
Deen exits toward the kitchen
The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown.
ALTON BROWN
Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.
GUY FIERI
(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)
And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?
ALTON BROWN
Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!
GUY FIERI
(Impatiently)
And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?
ALTON BROWN
Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.
GUY FIERI
(Suddenly more interested)
House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?
ALTON BROWN
That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...
GUY FIERI
(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")
Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...
ALTON BROWN
Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?
GUY FIERI
(On his cellphone)
Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease...
ALTON BROWN
Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...
GUY FIERI
(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)
That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!
As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.
GUY FIERI
(Speaking into cellphone)
Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard...
(Going through cash drawer)
No, wait, make that cash...
Posted by Lairbo on 11/18/2012 at 10:27 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Dumbass, Food and Drink, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Television | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: Guy Fieri, Guy's American Kitchen & Bar, New York Times, Peter Wells
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Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?
I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now.
Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.
Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that."
Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them.
Posted by Lairbo on 09/30/2011 at 07:54 AM in Celebrity Hijinks, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: 60 Minutes, Andy Rooney, kids, lawn, Retire
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WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) It was all smiles, high-fives and champagne today in offices of the U.S. Department of Irony. The festive mood is in celebration of a week-long news cycle that included a sex scandal with no actual sex, lewd photos of the penis of a congressman named "Weiner," whose wife works for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and, the "Icing on the cake," according to USDOI press secretary Anne N. Amos, that the Weiners' wedding was officiated by Bill Clinton.
"It's easy to get discouraged and jaded at this job, especially in this town" said USDOI deputy director Hugh Morliss, "So a streak like this is a real morale booster," adding, "We don't usually see this much activity without a televangelist being involved."
Posted by Lairbo on 06/07/2011 at 04:42 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Dumbass, Media Circus, Politics Unusual | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
Tags: Hillary Clinton, irony, scandal, Weiner
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