Ant Farmer's Almanac

"Saint Peter Greeting Deceased Celebrity" Set to Overtake "Guy on Desert Island" As Most Overused Cartoon Cliché

"Of course, we may not know exactly when this happens," says a spokesman for various cartoonist's organizations who is holding the bets, "There are just way too many of each to calculate. But there's every indication that the tipping point could come as soon as the end of the month." 

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

Jordan Klepper to Conduct First Post Fox-Firing of Tucker Carlson

The Daily Show correspondent's many years covering MAGA hardliners, white supremacists and Neo nazis makes him uniquely qualified to keep a straight face and continue asking questions despite responses of utter nonsense, rank stupidity and pure evil. "It'll be a challenge with Tucker," admits Klepper, "I've been training for this for a long time," adding, "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it."

 

Zelenskyy Denies Xi Asked for Dirt on Hunter Biden During Phone Call

Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy insists that at no point in his historic phone call with Xi Jinping did the Chinese president ask for compromising or embarrassing intel on U.S. president Joe Biden's son, Hunter, "Unless maybe his inquiries about laptop repair shops in Kyiv was supposed to be a hint at something." 

 

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

Beagle Flying a Doghouse Spotted in Video of Chinese Spy Balloon Being Shot Down

Pentagon officials will neither confirm or deny the presence of a cartoon dog in WWI flying ace gear in the vicinity during the airstrike that shot down the Chinese surveillance balloon.

The animal in question was piloting a red doghouse that had no wings, visible means of propulsion or aerodynamic features whatsoever.

Anonymous sources who have closely studied the footage say they could hear someone near the camera exclaiming, "Good grief!"

 

AI Creators Promise Beta Version of George Santos Will be "Much More Convincing"

"Yeah," say software creators at PinocchiCorp, "In hindsight, we shouldn't have released this Alpha version publicly. Clearly, there are still quite a few bugs in the system, although we did get the number of fingers right and his nose doesn't grow when he lies."

 

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

New Poll Finds 85% of American Refrigerators Running

Of those contacted by phone, 12% said they were “Not Sure” and 3% declared themeselves “Undecided.” Also, the number of households with Prince Albert in a can is at an historic low.

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny the existence of an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

Migrants Lured to Martha's Vineyard with Promise of Scholarships to Trump University

"They told us there would also be Trump Steaks," said one disappointed Venezuelan.

 

"I Like Monarchs Who Aren't Dead"

Donald Trump responds to not being invited to Queen Elizabeth II's funeral.

 

"Could it Be a Special Mistress? A Hottie, Maybe?" Trump Lawyers Clarify What Their Client Wants From Documents Reviewer

"He says he'll pay extra," the former president's attorneys state in a court filing, "If that'll help."

 

 

Come for the Omelet Bar, Stay for the Top Secret Files!

“Mar-a-Lago was always meant to become the Donald J. Trump Presidential Library & Gift Shop at the Mar-a-Lago Hotel Casino Resort,” said a Trump spokesman, noting also that, “The president was just trying to save taxpayer money by taking all those classified papers to where they’d wind up eventually anyway.” 

 

Asked for hard evidence of such intentions, the spokesman replied, “When those deep state archivists sort through the latest round of boxes, they’ll find an undated document saying as much. And they’ll know it’s authentic because it was written with a Sharpie.”

 

Colonel Sanders’ Original Fried Chicken Recipe Among Documents Seized at Mar-a-Lago

The identity and proportions of each of the 11 herbs and spices were confiscated by FBI agents from the former president's home in Florida. It is not clear whether the recipe had already been shared with or sold to a rival of KFC and if there was any plan to. 

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.