Ant Farmer's Almanac

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s Latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by the Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddists". 

 

Trump to Take Oath of Office on Five Foot-Tall Stack of His Own Bibles to be Sold on eBay

The stack of 30 2"-thick American Patriot's Bible®, on which Trump will be sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, will be signed by him and offered for sale on eBay to the highest bidders, with a reserve price of $999.95. But wait -- An additional 1,000 copies of the APB® that are "guaranteed" to have been in or near the Capitol Rotunda during the ceremony, will also go on sale, albeit unsigned and at a reserve price of $499.95. 

 

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

"That They Never Got a Chance to Break Stuff in the Capitol Building or Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk Should be Punishment Enough"

Incoming Vice President J.D. Vance says only convicted January 6th participants who "Didn't commit violent acts," should be pardoned by president Donald Trump.

 

Amazon and Starbucks' Strikes Panics Consumers Now Unable to Go Out for Coffee or Order Online What's Needed to Make it At Home

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it."

 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Drone! Drones Sighted Over New Jersey are Most Likely Drones, Say Experts

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone."

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

NY Times Demands Harris State Her Policy Positions on Windmill Cancer, Shark v Electrocution, Haitian Cuisine, Canada's Giant Faucet, Hannibal Lecter and Whether "The Bear" Really Belongs in the Emmy Awards' Comedy Category

One Times editorial page pundit skeptical about Harris sniffed haughtily, "Say what you will about Trump but, he's made it very clear where he stands on the important issues and Harris owes it to us to do the same," adding, "We'd also like to know if she's changed her opinions on the 'Laurel v Yanni', 'Gold Dress v Green Dress' and the 'Taste Great v Less Filling' controversies of the past."

 

Elon Musk Pitching Remake of "Back to the Future" with Tesla Cybertruck in DeLorean Role

In what is seen as a Hail Mary bid to keep his pet-project Cybertruck from joining the Ford Edsel, the Yugo hatchback and the DeLorean DMC-12 as a laughingstock, punchline and notorious automotive failure, Elon Musk is hurriedly throwing together a deal to remake "Back to the Future," this time recasting Doc Brown's time traveling DeLorean as a Tesla Cybertruck.

"While the DeLorean was just as poorly conceived, designed and manufactured as the Edsel or the Yugo," said a spokesman for Musk, "It's remembered fondly and still considered cool because it was in a popular movie and they weren't." 

 

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.

 

21 Questions for the New York Times

In light of the New York Times' 21 questions for Kamala Harris, we have 21 of our own for them.

1) WTF, New York Times?

2) What is WRONG with you?

3) Are you trying to lose subscribers?

4) Who decided to rename the sports pages, "The Athletic"? I mean, c'mon.

5) Seriously, what is WRONG with you?

6) Do you really think that being extra hard on Harris and giving Trump a pass will make you look "Fair and Balanced"? (It doesn't.)

7) Follow up question: Have you forgotten how well this kind of strategy worked out in 2016?

8) Do your Real Estate section editors toss a coin to decide whether they'll run an "Everybody's Moving to Brooklyn" or an "Everyone's Leaving Brooklyn for the Hudson Valley" article that week? (Helpful Hint: when a Brooklyn couple whose jobs are "candle repair" and "poet" spend a million bucks for five acres and a century old farmhouse in Saugerties and another $450k on renovations, we all see TRUST FUND in flashing neon letters.)

9) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

10) What did Gail Collins do so wrong that she's now only allowed to write with Bret Stephens in the room with her? Is this about her going on about Mitt Romney's dog tied to the roof of his car in 2012?

11) Are you angling to be bought by Rupert Murdoch after finding out how much more money Wall Street Journal editors make since he bought that paper?

12) Does anyone there read Maureen Dowd's columns before they're published?

13) Did anyone on your staff question why somebody who already has their own magazine to write in, like Rich Lowry, deserves space on The NY Times editorial page for a hit-piece on Kamala Harris? 

14) A summer-long column on birding? Really?

15) Who spends only 36 Hours someplace? (Spoiler alert: only somebody who missed their connecting flight or is snowed in and will be staying in the airport, that's who.)

16) Define "Fit to Print".

17) Why don't you run a comics page?

18) The whole Met Gala thing. You just made that up, right? It can't be real.

19) Do you have an in-house limit for how many times you'll repost an article with a different headline?

20) Seriously. What. Is. Wrong. With. You?

21) At long last, New York Times, if you can't recognize a mentally ill, race-baiting, cheap crook already convicted of fraud lowlife without a shred of decency when you see one, especially one who's been living down the street from you and committing his crimes in broad daylight for decades, why the fuck should we trust anything you say?

 

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Trump Narrows Down VP Picks to Former Spokesmen/Alter Egos John Barron, David Dennison and John Miller

"Let's face it, they were made for this job!" said a Trump campaign insider about John Barron, aka John Miller, aka David Dennison, all Trump spokesmen and alter egos from his New York real estate days, "They're closer and more loyal to Trump than anyone else could be and, being fictional, are beyond scrutiny, accountability or prosecution," adding enthusiastically, "Plus, it would free up the Naval Observatory for use as an Air B&B, a casino resort hotel or we could sell it as military surplus; I mean, it's on land, what good is it to the Navy?"

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.