Ant Farmer's Almanac

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Hegseth Promises to Use Ham Radio for all Future National Security Group Chats

Facing backlash for using Signal, a commercial texting service, to discuss the details of an upcoming airstrike on Yemen, and, on top of that including in the chat a journalist from The Atlantic magazine, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and others involved swore on a stack of Trump/Lee Greenwood Bibles® that they'd learned their lesson and would use ham radio for all future communications with the group, saying, "It'll be like those code-talking Indians from that movie, even if, according to the Pentagon website, they don't exist," adding, "And we'll make sure any journalist included is somebody I know from Fox."

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Latest Executive Order Lets Elon Musk Decide Outcome of Super Bowl LIX with Trump Signaling Winner via Thumbs-Up/Thumbs-Down Gesture from Stadium Skybox

"Whether the Eagles win or lose," said an experienced oddsmaker on game day, "There's gonna be a lotta broken store windows and burnt police cars in Philly tomorrow morning."

 

"Molly of Denali" Retitled "Molly of McKinley"

In related news: CBS pauses production of its three FBI series until further notice. Rumors are swirling of a Trumpish retooling entitled, "FBI: The Revengening", or that it would continue as "FBI: The Multiverse", more sci-fi-ish and with differing timelines and parallel universe storylines, including an outlandish one that continues as if the rule of law was still the law of the land.

 

Along With Reinstating Confederate Hero Names on Army Bases, Pete Hegseth Will Auction Off Corporate Naming Rights to All U.S. Military Installations

“Elon’s gonna cut the hell out of the Pentagon budget,” says the incoming Secretary of Defense, “And those $10,000 toilet seats aren’t gonna pay for themselves.”

 

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddests". 

 

Trump to Take Oath of Office on Five Foot-Tall Stack of His Own Bibles to be Sold on eBay

The stack of 30 2"-thick American Patriot's Bible®, on which Trump will be sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, will be signed by him and offered for sale on eBay to the highest bidders, with a reserve price of $999.95. But wait -- An additional 1,000 copies of the APB® that are "guaranteed" to have been in or near the Capitol Rotunda during the ceremony, will also go on sale, albeit unsigned and at a reserve price of $499.95. 

 

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

"That They Never Got a Chance to Break Stuff in the Capitol Building or Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk Should be Punishment Enough"

Incoming Vice President J.D. Vance says only convicted January 6th participants who "Didn't commit violent acts," should be pardoned by president Donald Trump.

 

Amazon and Starbucks' Strikes Panics Consumers Now Unable to Go Out for Coffee or Order Online What's Needed to Make it At Home

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it."

 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Drone! Drones Sighted Over New Jersey are Most Likely Drones, Say Experts

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone."

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.