Ant Farmer's Almanac

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.

 

21 Questions for the New York Times

In light of the New York Times' 21 questions for Kamala Harris, we have 21 of our own for them.

1) WTF, New York Times?

2) What is WRONG with you?

3) Are you trying to lose subscribers?

4) Who decided to rename the sports pages, "The Athletic"? I mean, c'mon.

5) Seriously, what is WRONG with you?

6) Do you really think that being extra hard on Harris and giving Trump a pass will make you look "Fair and Balanced"? (It doesn't.)

7) Follow up question: Have you forgotten how well this kind of strategy worked out in 2016?

8) Do your Real Estate section editors toss a coin to decide whether they'll run an "Everybody's Moving to Brooklyn" or an "Everyone's Leaving Brooklyn for the Hudson Valley" article that week? (Helpful Hint: when a Brooklyn couple whose jobs are "candle repair" and "poet" spend just under a million bucks for five acres and a century old farmhouse in Saugerties and another $450k on renovations, we all see TRUST FUND in flashing neon letters.)

9) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

10) What did Gail Collins do so wrong that she's now only allowed to write with Bret Stephens in the room with her? Is this about her going on about Mitt Romney's dog tied to the roof of his car in 2012?

11) Are you angling to be bought by Rupert Murdoch after finding out how much more money Wall Street Journal editors make since he bought that paper?

12) Does anyone there read Maureen Dowd's columns before they're published?

13) Did anyone on your staff suggest that maybe somebody who already had their own magazine to write in, like Rich Lowry, deserve space on The NY Times editorial page for a hit-piece on Kamala Harris? 

14) A summer-long column on birding? Really?

15) Who spends only 36 Hours someplace? (Spoiler alert: only somebody who missed their connecting flight or is snowed in and they'll be staying in the airport, that's who.)

16) Define "Fit to Print".

17) Why don't you run a comics page?

18) The whole Met Gala thing. You just made that up, right? It can't be real.

19) Do you have an in-house limit for how many times you'll repost an article with a different headline?

20) Seriously. What. Is. Wrong. With. You?

21) At long last, New York Times, if you can't recognize a mentally ill, race-baiting, cheap crook already convicted of fraud lowlife without a shred of decency when you see one, especially one who's been living down the street from you and committing his crimes in broad daylight for decades, why the fuck should we trust anything you say?

 

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Trump Narrows Down VP Picks to Former Spokesmen/Alter Egos John Barron, David Dennison and John Miller

"Let's face it, they were made for this job!" said a Trump campaign insider about John Barron, aka John Miller, aka David Dennison, all Trump spokesmen and alter egos from his New York real estate days, "They're closer and more loyal to Trump than anyone else could be and, being fictional, are beyond scrutiny, accountability or prosecution," adding enthusiastically, "Plus, it would free up the Naval Observatory for use as an Air B&B, a casino resort hotel or we could sell it as military surplus; I mean, it's on land, what good is it to the Navy?"

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

Here is the Church, Here are the People, Comes a Tornado, There Goes the Steeple

Tornado Hits Pennsylvania Town During Church Service

 

"They Will Be Parasite Non Grata!" Trump Vows to Deport All Brain-Eating Worms on Day One

"Just the other day a worm came up to me, big worm, strong worm, tears in his eyes, Sir, he said, Sir, you have the best brain this worm has ever seen and it would be an honor for me to crawl in there, nibble a bit of it and then die. I could die happy. But I said no. No worm will ever eat even the tiniest part of my big, beautiful brain, very good brain, some say the best brain, doctors have said they've never seen anything like it. I took that test, that cognersherrrrr test, remember, man, woman, person, camera, covfefe. . . "

 

Trump Denies Goading Judge Merchan Into Jailing Him to Avoid Attending Barron's High School Graduation

"It's fake news," insisted the former president and current criminal defendant, "From the minute I found about it, I vowed that the only thing that would keep me from this beautiful rite of passage, a great moment in, eh . . . my son's life, was being thrown, so unfairly, in jail for contempt of court in this case which, to be honest is contemptible, the whole thing. A sham, a miscarriage of justice. So unfair."

 

He Showed Up at the Governor’s Mansion with My Korean BBQ Delivery. Who Was I Supposed to Think It Was?

Kristi Noem tries to explain her debunked claim of meeting and staring down North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as a case of understandable mistaken identity, saying, “There aren’t that many Koreans in South Dakota to begin with, especially with that haircut,” adding, “We did have a stare down after I gave him his tip. He wasn’t happy about it but I definitely won that round.”

 

Tucker Carlson: "If Richard Nixon Had Shot Checkers, He'd Still be President!"

Reached for further comment or clarification, Carlson denied knowing anything about the statement, replying, "I don't have an Aunt Farmer. Who is this and how did you get my number!"

 

Immigrants, Trans Kids & DEI at USGS Blamed for Friday's Earthquake

Agency denies any role in tectonic plates shifting.

Elsewhere, NASA reports getting threatening messages accusing its "Godless pro-science slant" for causing Monday's eclipse.

 

Ronna McDaniels' Brief Tenure at NBC Dubbed a "Half-Scaramucci"

Former Republican National Committee chair McDaniels' five days in the employ of NBC beats the land speed record previously held by Trump Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, whose ten days on the job was considered the gold standard for high-speed, high-profile Hirer's Remorse.

 

Sir, He Says, There’s Just One More Thing…

“So, this guy comes up to me, Sir, he says—little guy, swarthy guy, kind of rumpled, and when I say rumpled I mean rumpled. All over; his raincoat, his hair, his face, even. Rumpled, all of it. Even his car is rumpled, some kind of weird dumpy foreign thing… Sir, he says, Sir, sorry to bother you again, because he’s been hanging around lately, asking a lot of questions, poking into things and talking to everybody I know about this and that and everything. And he’s got this one eye that kind of wanders, a wandering eye and it’s like, you don’t know which eye is looking at you and which one to look into when he’s talking. I mean, the whole time he’s telling me, Sir, my wife is such a big fan, huge fan, terrific fan, all I can think about is that weird and creepy eye. And his cigar. It’s unlit but about half-smoked—like it went out and he hasn’t got around to relighting it or he’s out of matches, can’t afford a lighter, I dunno. But once you notice it, it’s like with the eye, you can’t not pay attention to it. Sir, he says, with all the waving around his cigar with no smoke and the wandering eye and, Sir, he says, sorry to bother you again—and that’s when I notice there’s cops and FBI and US Marshals all around me with their guns drawn and my secret service detail is backing away with their hands up—Sir he says, there’s just one more thing…”

 

 

Director's Cut of Katie Britt's SOTU GOP Rebuttal Ends With Lassie Barking That Timmy Has Fallen Down a Well and Needs to be Rescued

Britt's cross necklace was a last-minute replacement for the string of pearls she'd worn at rehearsal after the GOP received cease and desist letters from the estates of June Lockhart and Barbara Billingsly. 

 

"He's Speaking in Tongues!" Declare Evangelicals Attempting to Explain Trump's Most Recent Incoherent, Slurred and Rambling Speeches

As scholars at several noted Christian Universities were frantically trying to decipher the meaning of the former president's vocalizations, many of his fervent followers hope that while possessed by the spirit at his next rally Mr. Trump will also handle live venomous snakes.

 

After Alabama Court Declares Frozen Embryos "Children," SCOTUS Expands "Corporate Personhood" to Include Shell Companies, Lemonade Stands and Business Proposals Scribbled on Cocktail Napkins

The Alabama court has also ruled that frozen embryos not be exposed to critical race theory or evolution and the U.S. Supreme Court will hear arguments to include Tupperware Parties and Ponzie Schemes under Citizens United decision.

 

"Both Sides Do Things," New Study Confirms

"Anyone expecting evidence of some sort of equilibrium is barking up the wrong tree," said a spokesman for the Underhill Institute which conducted the decade-long study, "I mean, it's politics, not Newtonian physics." 

 

NORAD's Santa Tracker to Follow Taylor Swift's Flight from Tokyo to Super Bowl

"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas."