Ant Farmer's Almanac

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

3 Card Monte Tables Outside Susan Collins’ Senate Office Report Record Profits

"On her way in, she loses a few bucks, and on her way out, she loses again," says dealer Jake (Just "Jake"), "I can't believe all the years I wasted doing this in Times Square." 

Clapton Demoted to Guitar Demigod

MT.  OLYMPUS (AFA NewsWire) In a statement following a unanimous vote by the Council of Deities, it was announced that Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, renowned British rock and roll guitarist, has been demoted from "Guitar God" to "Guitar Demigod."

It is believed Clapton's controversial antivax stance -- including a recent song promoting it -- proved to be the final of many last straws against him here in the ethereal plane. 

"He's really turned out to be quite the dickhead, what with one thing after another," said Dionysus, "He used to be so much fun."

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, adding, “Besides, everybody likes ponies.”

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms

 

 

Hey, We’re TRYING to do Worse but, We’re Also Trying to Move Out, Find New Jobs and Dodge Prosecution

White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack.

Trump Awards Himself Medal of Freedom and Purple Heart

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) At an unscheduled Rose Garden ceremony held early this morning, president Donald Trump awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Purple Heart. 

“When I said that I view the number of cases [of COVID-19] as a badge of honor, I meant it literally,” said Mr. Trump, “And this medallion is proof of my commitment to bravely sacrificing as many lives as it takes to keep America in the forefront of anything, always and in every way, no matter what.”

Vice president Mike Pence, beaming with pride and admiration, handed the medal to the president who then looped the ribbon holding it around his own head. Mr. Pence then pinned a Purple Heart onto the president’s suit jacket.

“I’ve always wanted one of these,” said Mr. Trump, “And no president has ever deserved it more than I do. Every day, I suffer more attacks than anyone who’s ever held this office. My enemies, in the fake media, the Democrats, they come at me day after day, nonstop, so unfairly, wounding me with relentless insults and meanness. But,” the president continued, “I’m telling them, here and now, to just turn around. They’re not welcome anymore. I will go on. I will survive. They may think I’d just crumble. Just lay down and die. But, no, Oh no, I will survive. Oh, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live and I'll survive. I will survive. Hey, hey.”

When asked if the Pentagon had signed off on presenting a medal usually awarded for wounds suffered in combat to a civilian with no history of military service for, essentially, hurt feelings, the Joint Chiefs' press officer pretended to be an answering machine, told us to leave a message, said “Beep” and then quickly hung up.

 

Trump Shuttle on List of Airlines to Receive Financial Bailout

Kavanaugh Withdraws from Supreme Court Nomination to Open Brewpub

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Brett Kavanaugh surprised many today by withdrawing from his nomination to fill the Supreme Court seat being vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. He surprised everyone, however, with the announcement he was leaving the judiciary branch of government altogether to start his own brewpub.

"I love beer," said an ebullient Kavanaugh to a group of reporters, "Always have, always will. This whole hearing process, painful as it was, was also cathartic, a revelation. It brought me back to my true passion, the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on and that never let me down... aside from my wife, of course," he added, glancing over his shoulder toward where Ashley Estes Kavanaugh, stood before continuing, "Beer; brewskies, cold ones, suds. I feel alive again, reborn, even! I want to spend the rest of my life in the joyful craft of making beer, whether it be ale, altbier, amber, barley wine, Biere de Garde, bitter, bock, brown ale, Cask ale, Dopplebock, Dortmunder -- Bock or Export, Flanders red ale, Framboise, Helles Bock, Kriek lambic, Lager, Pilsner, Oud Bruin, Quadrupel, Rye beer, Scotch ale, Steam beer, Schwarzbier, Trappist, Vienna lager..."

Kavanaugh paused briefly, overcome with emotion, his eyes teary.

"Except for stout," he continued, regaining his composure somewhat "I hate that stuff."

Although no location or opening date has been determined, Kavanaugh did confirm that he would begin growing "one of those big bushy beards like brewmaster have" in the very near future.

Photo: www.freeimages.co.uk

Trump Proposes "Digging a Hole All the Way to China and Making China Pay for It”

(AFA) WASHINGTON, DC — Hard on the heels of the president's announcement of establishing a Space Force to wage battles beyond earth's atmosphere, Mr. Trump today proposed digging a hole through the center of the earth that goes all the way to China. 

"Think of it," said the president, speaking on the phone to the hosts of Fox & Friends,  “A direct route to China, an extremely important trading partner, just by digging a big, beautiful hole straight down and going the other side!” 

Mr. Trump emphasized the benefits to American trade, “We can just throw the parts needed into the hole, the Chinese retrieve them, assemble them into, whatever, then drop the finished products back into the hole and we’re done! No ships, no planes, no need for tariffs or trade wars. And they’ll pay for it. Glady. Eagerly. They stand to benefit so much, they won’t be able to pay us fast enough. Also,” he added, “No more Chinese take-out deliverd by some schmuck on a crappy bicycle. . . maybe it’ll show up still hot enough to eat for once.” 

In response to Steve Doocy’s questions about logistics, “Uh, how’s that supposed to work again?” the president explained that, “Gravity. Not everybody knows how gravity works but it’s really very simple. You drop something, it goes down, right? Drop something into this hole and gravity will pull it toward the center, when the object passes the center of the earth, the reverse effects of gravity pulling in the other direction will slow it down so it can be easily caught in, I dunno, nets, or something, we’ll figure that out."

Co-host Brian Kilmeade began to ask about the heat of the earth’s core being an issue but Mr. Trump had a ready answer, “The hole itself will act as a cooling vent, Brian, so problem solved! The British dug the Chunnel and managed to move all that water out of the way, we can manage some molten lava,” pausing momentarily, as if he'd had a thought, the president added, "We can call it the 'Chinal'. Yeah, I like that. Somebody write that down."

Mr. Doocy chimed in with a helpful suggestion for the massive amounts of dirt that would be dug up, “It could become landfill and expand the size of Florida. Who knows how many additional congressional districts could be created!”

“Listen,” continued the president, “I’ve been in the construction business for a long time and I know about digging myself into holes.” 

Photo: www.freeimages.co.uk

 

 

Flight Plan

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?" adding, "No, really, I need to know..."

 

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

TALK TO THE HAIR: Get it While It's Still Satire

The hit eBook now newly revised, in an updated and lavishly illustrated print edition!

That's right, my look back at the future is here today!

With pictures by renowned editorial illustrator Martin Kozlowski. Order your copy through Amazon or get a sneak peak at Now What Media's book page.

Talk to the Hair offers a satiric first-100-day-by-day account of President Donald Trump making good on his campaign promise to "Make America Totally Classy Again!" From Inaugural Ball-related injuries to finding that good fences don't make for such good neighbors after all, the new president lets the chips fall where they may-ideally into one of his own casinos. And, when the going gets tough, The Donald turns to the diplomacy of Sarah Palin and the muscle of some guys named Vinny. However it turns out, it's gonna be YOOGE!"

Trump Slams Skeletons in Hillary's Closet as "Losers"

Promises His Administration's Scandals Will Be "Fantastic. Incredible, the Best Ever!"

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Asked if his general election campaign against Hillary Clinton would focus on scandal-mongering and mud-slinging, Donald J. Trump, offered a surprising insight into his presidential aspirations.

"Please," scoffed the presumptive Republican candidate, "The skeletons in Hillary's closet are losers, nobodies. When I'm president, my administration will have the most incredible scandals Washington has ever seen... and more of them."  

"These so-called 'scandals' about Hillary," said Trump, mockingly and making the air quotes gesture at the word 'scandals,' "They're just sad, pathetic... Email? Don't make me laugh. A couple of her real estate deals go south? Losing money on real estate? I do that just for the tax deduction! Her husband cheated on her? Pffft! Just you wait! Maybe she killed a guy, maybe not. Maybe or not I know what Jimmy Hoffa's last words were and which of my casino-resorts he's buried under."

Despite aides' frantic attempts to get him away from the microphone, Mr. Trump continued speaking.

"Every great president had scandals; Reagan, Nixon, Kennedy... I mean, JFK, c'mon, the mafia, the women, Marilyn Monroe! Admittedly, It'll be hard to top him on Marilyn but there will be women, believe me! Hot women, beautiful women. The best! And mafia? We'll have hot and cold running mobsters in every cabinet department; godfathers, gangsters, goodfellas..."

It was at this point the lights flickered, the sound system went silent and Trump was seen being hustled out of the room by his security detail, "For security reasons," said one of the unit left behind to make sure he wasn't followed.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Prebus put a positive spin on his party's presumptive nominee's statements, noting through a forced grin, "This is one campaign promise I think we can count on him living up to."

 

Dictionarium

Naduhr (noun);
When an accomplished person's dumbass post- or late-career words or actions overshadow the positive memory of their prior work to the point of rendering it a footnote to the stupid shit they said or did just now; i.e., Gloria Steinem, Madeleine Albright, Ralph Nader.

Geraldo Rivera Tweets Announcement of Candidacy for New York City Mayor