Ant Farmer's Almanac

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

Weekend Newz

"Home Invasions or Space Invaders,
More Guns is the Only Solution"

Arming the International Space Station Astronauts Could Have Prevented Russian Meteor Tragedy, says NRA Prez Wayne LaPierre

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) Speaking to reporters Friday as news of the damage and injuries was still trickling in from Chelyabinsk, Russia, NRA president Wayne LaPierre cited the meteor's crash site as evidence that, "No meteor would dare hit the United States of America," LaPierre insisted, "Not so long as we not only manufacture and sell the sort of weaponry needed to fend off such a threat; but that those weapons are available freely and in volume to every citizen, and at attractively affordable prices."

"The only thing that can stop bad meteors is good astronauts with guns," continued LaPierre, urging NASA to arm all personnel on the International Space Station, "Ideally, American astronauts," LaPierre quickly added, "Barring that, only the arming of every citizen on the planet can guarantee our continued safety from the effects of objects falling from space."

Asked if this meant the people of Chelyabinsk, where the 7,000-ton meteor fell to the earth in a dramatic fireball, were somehow 'asking for it', LaPierre stated that his point was that, "Decades of government dictated communism had deprived them of gun ownership, leaving them without the firepower to protect themselves, something that the current talk about maybe looking into doing something symbolic and virtually unenforceable in regards gun regulation in the U.S. would surely lead to."

Mr. LaPierre abruptly ended the press conference when he received word that someone had "built a fire down on Main Street that needed to be shot full of holes." 

Elsewhere, gun rights advocate Alex Jones was seen shouting defiantly at the sky, daring it to drop anything his way and promising to blast it back to kingdom come, unless, of course, it was aimed at Piers Morgan.

Let's Just Leave Geraldo 'At Large' — Chris Christie

NJ Guv Nixes Sending 'Stash to the Senate

TRENTON, NEW JERSEY (AFA NewsWire) Despite 48% of New Jersey Republicans adamantly stating that they wouldn't support him if he ran and only 26% of registered voters statewide offering a whiff of interest in seeing him get elected, Geraldo Rivera, Fox News commentator and radio host, continues to hint that he'll seek the senate seat being vacated by Frank Lautenberg, who is retiring after nearly 30 years in office. 

"Oh, like we haven't got enough trouble already," sighed a weary Governor Chris Christie upon hearing the news of Rivera's intentions at the state capitol in Trenton.

"We've got real problems that need real solutions," said Christie, "What we don't need is a big mustache attached to a bigger ego, entering the already overcrowded competition for Biggest Jackwad in Congress..." adding, "Call me back when Springsteen says he wants to run for the senate."

 

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

Psychiatrists Declare U.S. Congress "Batshit Insane"

Washington Residents Strongly Advised to Avoid Capitol Building During Full Moon

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A panel of psychiatrists today diagnosed the U.S. Congress as being, by any standard of measure, "Batshit insane." 

The group of distinguished psychologists was gathered in the nation's capitol for a symposium on the topic, "Exponential Growth of Cognitive Dissonance as a Factor in Public Policy Decision Making." 

"It was while we were reviewing the last couple of years' transcripts and tapes from the Congressional Record, and members of the House of Representatives' remarks to the press and the public," said the panel's spokesman Dr. Gerald Bostock, Director of Psychiatry at the Cleveland Clinic, "That they voted to repeal Obama Care [the Affordable Care Act] for the 33rd time, despite knowing full well that, like the 32 times before, the bill would die in the Senate." 

"Soon after, Michelle Bachman and four colleagues called for an investigation into alleged Muslim infiltration of the State Department," continued Bostock, "Joe McCarthy and Roy Cohn must be yucking it up in hell right now." 

"Even given the lunacy we've come to expect from this bunch, they've now gone way beyond merely dysfunctional," Bostock intoned, gravely. 

"Any mental patient that repeats the same behavior over and over again, expecting a different result is a prime candidate for institutionalization," he said, shaking his head in dismay, "But, thirty three times! And knowing it won't work? That's just . . ." Bostock paused, searching for the right words, "Fucking nuts."

The panel's art therapist, after viewing the doodles made by members of congress, visible from enlargements of footage recorded by C-Span cameras, was found curled up in the fetal position muttering, "The horror, the horror. . ." 

The panel's written report recommends that the entire congress be ". . . locked up with the key thrown away. . . to remain heavily medicated and under constant supervision, until such time as they no longer present such a clear and present danger to the people they're supposed to be representing."

 

Heads or Tails, We Lose

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Inspired by Rand Paul's recent denial of any link between air pollution and asthma, Michelle Bachman now says that the visible curvature of the earth as photographed from outer space is not proof the world is round, asserting instead, "That just shows it's a round flat disc, like a coin," and vows that as president she will build a reinforced concrete barrier underneath the U.S. to prevent any Chinese attempt to tunnel in from the other side.

Latest Anthony Weiner Twitter Pic Aims (a little) Higher

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In what many characterize as a desperate effort to win back his constituents with a show of his devotion to them, Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has tweeted a photo of pubic hair trimmed into the shape of the congressional district he represents.

While Weiner would not confirm that the pubic hair shown was, in fact his own, he did acknowledge "...with absolute certitude," that the pubes' shape was that of the Ninth Congressional District of New York; one, he continued, that he "...would recognize anwywhere and wear proudly, even if only in his underwear and out of the sight of everyone except those who follow him on Twitter."

In other news: The Disney Company has declined the offer to buy the rights to the phrase "Weinergate".

 

U.S. Department of Irony Celebrates Success of Anthony Weiner Scandal

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) It was all smiles, high-fives and champagne today in offices of the U.S. Department of Irony. The festive mood is in celebration of a week-long news cycle that included a sex scandal with no actual sex, lewd photos of the penis of a congressman named "Weiner," whose wife works for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and, the "Icing on the cake," according to USDOI press secretary Anne N. Amos, that the Weiners' wedding was officiated by Bill Clinton.

"It's easy to get discouraged and jaded at this job, especially in this town" said USDOI deputy director Hugh Morliss, "So a streak like this is a real morale booster," adding, "We don't usually see this much activity without a televangelist being involved."

Top 10 Excuses for Why the World Didn't End on May 21, 2011, Like Radio Minister Harry Camping Said it Would:

10) Mayan restraining order prohibits end of world before December 21, 2012.

9) Overslept. 

8) No, no, no, that's when As the World Turns ends. 

7) It was supposed to be a surprise, but once word got out, God changed the date (he can do that, you know). 

6) Really curious how they'll pull off Ashton Kutcher's replacing Charlie Sheen.

5) Just not feeling all that "raptury." 

4) Haven't sold all of the "It's the End of the World and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts, yet. 

3) Couldn't find a sitter.

2) Wanted to see what kind of crazy stunt Donald Trump pulls next. 

1) Traffic. 

 

A Supposedly Modest Proposal That No One Would Ever Take Seriously

How About This...

Extend 100% of the tax cuts for those making less than $250K; 75% for those making between $250K and $500K; 50% for those making between $500K and $750K; and 25% for those making between $750K and $1 million; and 0% for those making more than a cool mil per year. 

Then let the congressional tax-cut hard-liners explain why they think millionaires shouldn't pay taxes (and, bear in mind that we're not talking about people who've managed to amass a million dollars over time at a lower annual rate, just those who'll pull in another million this year). 

Besides, the money that the top tier will spend trying to find ways around paying their share of taxes will (if their pet trickle-down theory is to be believed) trickle down to many thousands of accountants who will then, in turn stimulate the economy by buying new ledger books, pencils, green eyeshades, adding machines, etc.

Newt Gingrich Demands Apology for North's Victory in Civil War

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) Sources close to the White House switchboard have confirmed that a voice-mail message it received for President Obama, requesting a "...long-overdue apology for winning the War of Northern Aggression against the patriotic and peace-loving Confederate States of America," had been left by former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich. 

This voice-mail is only one among many recent efforts by Gingrich, via text, tweet and Facebook postings, to "reach out" to the president in the interest of "closure" and for "some explanation for the hostile action taken and irreparable harm done by your armies against the people of the Confederacy." 

Asked for comment about his repeated demands that the president express regret and/or contrition over the Union's victory in the conflict that ended 145 years ago, Mr. Gingrich — who has written several "alternative history" books in which the South prevails in the Civil War — peevishly responded that "the president's silence on this matter speaks for itself. There's really no need for me to elaborate."

Mr. Obama, who is currently away from the capital filming an episode of Mythbusters that attempts to prove the Democrats can retain their majority in the House of Representatives in November, could not be reached for comment.

Illustration by Martin Kozlowski.

In Other News: Astronomers who recently photographed the "oldest thing ever seen in the universe" through the Hubble telescope were embarrassed to find out that it had already appeared on Larry King Live in 1987.

Short-Tempered Celebrities Concerned About Rapid Depletion of Alphabet

Recent Scandals Over N-word and R-word Leave Fewer Offensive Word Abbreviations Unranted

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) Between Mel Gibson's expletive-filled ravings, Jennifer Aniston using the R-word on Live! with Regis & Kelly and Dr. Laura Schlessinger's N-word radio rant, the number of letters that offensive words start with and can be recognizably abbreviated down to now stands at a mere seven.

Along with the N- and R-words, the A-word, B-word, C-word, D-word, F-word/bomb, H-word, J-word, K-word, L-word, M/F-word, P-word, Q-word, S-word, T-word, V-word, W-word and Z-word (although, "Zionist" is probably too anachronistic to be very insulting) have all been deployed by one or other prominent media personage.

With 19 letters of the alphabet's 26 already spoken for, only e, g, i, o, u, x and sometimes y are still available for use in eruptions of bigoted, anger-fueled scatological insult or thoughtless offhand remarks.

The situation constitutes a crisis for celebrity loose cannons eager to make their mark. "These seven letters don't leave much to work with," acknowledges Dr. Verne Bose, chairman of the UCLA English Department, "I mean "e"? What are you supposed to do with that? It'll take some real creativity to wring much originality and shock value out of this bunch." Bose, however, reassures those worried that Mel Gibson will finish off the alphabet first through frequency and volume alone, "He does seem bent on breaking some sort of record, but he generally sticks with the classics."

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

BP Hires Kevin Costner

Oil Company to Turn Disaster Into Disastrous Flick

LOS ANGELES (AFA NewsWire) In the effort to stem both the flow of its oil gushing into the Gulf of Mexico and the tide of bad publicity surrounding it, BP has hired Hollywood star Kevin Costner to aid with damage control.

Costner, whose company invented a device that separates oil from seawater, has been offering his clean-up services since the crisis began.

A BP spokesman acknowledged, however, that the company's true motive in hiring the Academy Award-winner is to have him direct and star in a movie — tentatively titled Waterwhirled — about the Gulf spill that they feel confident will be so overblown, ponderous, overly-long and hard to follow that everyone will forget all about any oil-soaked pelicans.

"It's the perfect solution," says BP spokesman Mark Evally, "Nobody likes disasters, but everyone likes disaster movies," adding, "Even bad ones. Plus, we'll save a bundle on special effects."

Evally would neither confirm or deny that Bruce Willis had also been signed on to the project.

BP Hires Those Mentos & Coke Zero Guys

"At Least They Know a Little Something About Controlling Gushers," Experts Say

NEW ORLEANS (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Sources close to Fritz Grobe an Stephen Voltz, better known as Eepybird, say the duo has been tapped by British Petroleum in regards the ongoing Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

Renowned for their wacky experiments demonstrating the propulsive power of Mentos-fueled Coke Zero®, the pair has gained internet fame for videos that show them creating a domino effect,  a "dancing fountain" and powering a vehicle using just the soda and candy. 

It isn't known what exactly BP intends for Grobe and Voltz to do. There is speculation that they are part of some outside-the-box scheme to plug the gushing hole. 

Far likelier is that BP means to capitalize on the huge number of hits its underwater web cams of the leak are getting by adding an additional video feed that is more entertaining as well as having a beginning, middle and — most importantly — an end.

Rumors that the Mythbusters team had been summoned to the White House for consultation could not be confirmed at press time.

Move Over Inkblots!

Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.

"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."

Example results include:

67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both. 

62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney. 

98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney. 

43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.

37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.

88% of gulf coast beach-front home owners saw falling property values.

A northward-bound migrating goose shown the picture began checking maps for alternate routes to Canada.

Seven blind men asked to describe the image by touch alone all agreed that it was an elephant.

67% of oil company executives clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in lost profits, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

This Week in "Duh!"

Woody Allen Speaks Out in Defense of Roman Polanski.

Milwaukee Brewers' Player Detained, Deported Before Game in Phoenix

MAY 7, 2010, 6:15 PM

New Arizona Law to Give Diamondbacks Unique Home Field Advantage?

PHOENIX (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Many peoples' worst fears over the effects of Arizona's harsh new anti-illegal immigrant law on visiting teams and fans were realized Friday when a player for the Milwaukee Brewers was questioned, detained and deported prior to the evening's game.

Major League Baseball has already expressed its concerns over this law by considering relocating the 2011 All-Star Game from Phoenix to San Diego. In addition, the Phoenix Suns' Cinco de Mayo tradition of wearing jerseys emblazoned with "Los Suns" in honor of the Latino community and diversity of the league sparked unprecedented controversy this year.

It is ironic then, that the visiting team player at the center of this incident was Canadian-born Brewers' catcher George Kottaras.

Chase Field security guard B.G. Ott, who made the arrest, stated that Kottaras' "luminescent paleness" and "over-eager friendliness" were the tip-offs that he "wasn't from around here."

That, and as Ott put it, "His story just didn't add up. A Canadian playing baseball in America? C'mon! Hockey, maybe, but I mean, pffft!"

Ott's suspicions led him to place Kottaras under citizens arrest and forcibly put him on the first bus "back" to Canada.

Team, stadium and municipal authorities were quickly falling over each other to apologize and to point out that the Ott was "overzealous and acted alone, without either the approval or knowledge of anyone from any of their organizations." The Diamondbacks spokesman also emphatically insisted this isn't just a way to psych-out visiting teams with worry about whether their "papers are all in order."

At press time, Kottaras was still aboard a northbound Trailways bus whose first scheduled stop is Salt Lake City. Although he will be "released from custody" there, he will not make it back on time for Friday's game.

There is an unconfirmed rumor that several hispanic Diamondbacks players were also stopped and questioned by stadium security, but managed to get on the field by pretending to be part of the groundskeeping crew.

Olympic Officials Shocked — SHOCKED! — That Snowboarders are Behaving Like . . . Snowboarders

"Dudes, chill!" Reply Snowboarders, asking, "Got any snacks? You know, like, Doritos, maybe?"

VANCOUVER, BC (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Officials of the 2010 Winter Olympics have expressed alarm and dismay over snowboarders' "Lack of proper reverence for the traditions of this august institution," according to USOC spokesman Don F. Mann, Jr., "They act like this is fun!"

Among Mann's list of snowboarders' offenses to Olympic gravitas: their grungy "street" fashion sense, Greg Bretz's McNuggets-eating contest with his coach, Ricky Bower (Bretz, 60; Bower, 35); Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time); Shaun White and Bud Keane's expletive-laden on-air chatter; and the "scandalous" party photos of a girl kissing Scotty Lago's bronze medal as it dangled from his belt that earned him a hastily arranged one-way ticket out of Vancouver

Despite most of these incidents taking place far from the event sites, athletes have been under tight scrutiny since the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit after his 2008 Olympic triumph.

Other troubling snowboarder behavior includes overuse of the term "Dude," being way too cheerful all the time and suspiciously frequent outbreaks of "the munchies." Mention of Louie Vito's pre-Olympics appearance on Dancing With the Stars got a look of sour disapproval from Mann, when asked if that also counted as inappropriate behavior.

Mann said his next task is to look into allegations of "catty, high-strung, diva-like and bitchy behavior" among ice dancers and figure skaters.

*Pictured above is Canadian Olympic Freestyle Snowboarder, Katherine Shizu Tsuyuki. As of Tuesday morning, she wasn't in trouble for anything.

On This Day in History...

1982: Time magazine's "Man of the Year" is a computer. Will you open the pod bay doors now, HAL?

Because Maybe Wishful Thinking Really DOES Work After All...

Headline at CNN.com: Why Has Paris Hilton Disappeared?

Make it happen again! Make it happen again!

SC Gov Takes Flak for Outsourcing Extramarital Affair

"We've got plenty of floozies right here in the U.S. of A.," charge critics

COLUMBIA, SC (AFA Newswire) The harsh criticism of South Carolina governor Mark Sanford continues days after the revelation of his extramarital affair with an Argentine woman.

"There is no excuse for this insulting and deplorable behavior," said state assemblyman Kurt Manners, "We've got plenty of women here in the great state of South Carolina — not to mention the rest of the country and various U.S. territories — there was simply no need for the governor to have taken his dalliance offshore."

The state legislature spent the day in vigorous debate over the proper response to the governor's actions.

One state senator drafted a bill to recognize only extramarital affairs between a man and a woman who are both U.S. citizens and another proposed building an impenetrable fence along the border between South Carolina and Argentina.

By the end of the day's session, the assembly had passed a resolution stating that the women of South Carolina are ". . . second to none in their abilities to be in political career-ending extramarital flings," and went on to honor them for ". . . the consistently high quality of their home-wrecking and hussying."

In other news: Madonna has filed court papers to adopt five or six of Jon & Kate Gosselin's kids, and The Learning Channel has announced that it's replacing Jon & Kate Plus 8 with a reality/competition show called So You Think You Can Parent?