Ant Farmer's Almanac

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

Hegseth Promises to Use Ham Radio for all Future National Security Group Chats

Facing backlash for using Signal, a commercial texting service, to discuss the details of an upcoming airstrike on Yemen, and, on top of that including in the chat a journalist from The Atlantic magazine, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and others involved swore on a stack of Trump/Lee Greenwood Bibles® that they'd learned their lesson and would use ham radio for all future communications with the group, saying, "It'll be like those code-talking Indians from that movie, even if, according to the Pentagon website, they don't exist," adding, "And we'll make sure any journalist included is somebody I know from Fox."

"Come on Down to White House Tesla, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Where Interest Meets Conflict for a Beautiful Deal Like You've Never Seen Before on Your Favorite President's Favorite Car That Isn't a Heavily Armored Cadillac Escalade!"

Tesla Introduces Limited Edition "Model 47"

The new Tesla model "Model 47" will hit showrooms on April 2. The vehicle, nicknamed the "Covfefe," an otherwise standard Model 3, will be clad in "MAGA Hat Red," feature special badging and is guaranteed to have been sat in by the 47th president or at least someone named Trump.

Buyers will bid from a starting price of $40k and there is no reserve. Auctioning will take place at the White House Portico and be televised live on Fox News, NewsMax, One America News, C-SPAN and Motor Trend TV.

Rumors that a series of television commercials for the car will be taped by Elon Musk and Donald Trump, to be shown during late-night programming, could not be confirmed at press time but, White House insiders say they have overheard the president rehearsing such phrases as, "Own a Tesla and own the libs!" and "It's the American dream car come true! Get yours TODAY!"

 

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Musk Removes the Letters "DE" to Create "Feral" Government

"In this instance," says the billionaire-without-portfolio, "Two out of three is the right amount." The DOGE Team is also working on extracting the letter "n" from the word "government" because, "That's how everybody already pronounces it, anyway."