Ant Farmer's Almanac

Marines Deployed to Los Angeles Stuck in Traffic on the 405

Best guesses at an ETA downtown are, "Sometime next week".

 

Angelenos Encouraged to "Stay Home and Watch the Tony Awards"

With National Guard troops descending on the city of Los Angeles, officials are asking residents to practice passive-resistance in an effort to defuse the situation, celebrate Broadway theater and, just maybe, spot the next hot movie adaptation.

 

Trump to Gift His Tesla to Qatar

"There was talk about auctioning it off on eBay Motors," said a White House spokesman, "Or saving it for the Trump Presidential Library but, ultimately, we thought getting it to the other side of the world was the best option."

 

Clarence Thomas Offers Trump His Luxury RV Until Qatari Jet is Ready

"At least while the Court is in session or unless Ginni's using it," clarifies the Justice.

 

Qatari $400 Million Air Force One Will Come With Fully Equipped On-Board McDonald's Franchise

Eric Trump tapped to be in charge of deep fryer and drive-up window.

 

'What's Sauce for the Goose is Sauce for the Gander' No Longer a Thing

"Mixed basting is woke blasphemy," claim gender warriors, crying foul over what they see as a radical, lunatic, feminist liberal agenda and who state emphatically that, "There are two–and only two–very separate genders and we must end unisex seasoning!" insisting that there's a commandment about it in Scripture someplace, "Leviticus, probably."

 

"Maybe Carriers Get Only Two or Three Planes Instead of 30," Suggests Trump, "Or Maybe Seven"

The president responds to loss of a second $65 Million jet fighter from the aircraft carrier Harry S Truman.

 

Trump Denounces Papal Election as "Rigged" and Refuses to Say He'd Accept Results Unless Orange Smoke Rises from Sistine Chimney

In a Rambling Interview, President Trump Insisted That—If It's Not Him—the Next Pope Should at Least be American; "And from the Real America, Not Fake, Like South or Latin."

The president also asserted that, pope or not, he should be granted the power to confer sainthood. "Presidential pardons are terrific, but sainthood? That'd be a beautiful thing, wouldn't it? That could come in very handy", adding, "It would really be in their best interest to let me do that, it'd be such a shame to see the Vatican suddenly get hit with high tariffs on all rosaries, gold crosses and communion wafers coming out of there."

 

CBS Will Reboot Its "FBI" Franchises as "FBI: Deep State" in Which Agents Track Down and Arrest Only "Radical Leftist Lunatic Communist Fascists" if Trump Wins "60 Minutes" Lawsuit

In addition to refocusing their mission, only buff, straight white men would be cast as FBI agents in the field with women seen only in supporting roles as wives and secretaries, making sandwiches for the guys or maybe as the occasional femme fatale. 

 

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Susan Wiles Applies for Permit to Conceal-Carry Taser in White House

"Often, the best way for me to help the president," says Trump's Chief of Staff, "Is to put him into a time-out with extreme prejudice," adding, "Sometimes 50,000 volts speak louder than words."