Ant Farmer's Almanac

Cage Match on White House Lawn OK with Most Americans So Long as Combatants are Musk and Trump

"If it's televised, the Pay-per-View revenue could wipe out the Deficit," claims C-Span executive.

 

Jeff Foxworthy to Host New Quiz Show, "Are You More Presidential Than a Fifth Grader?"

Like on the original, "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader?", contestants will be asked questions the answers to which can be found in any textbook meant for 10-year-olds. Winners will be allowed to walk freely among us and, if needed, operate heavy machinery, although, should any of them decide to run for public office, they will have to answer another set of questions at the level of a 12th-grader. Losers will get a pre-owned MAGA hat.

 

Budget Cutbacks Limit Disaster Relief to Either "Thoughts" or "Prayers" But Not Both

"At least prayers are now tax-deductible," says a spokesman for the new Faith-Based FEMA.

 

RFK Jr. Tells Senate Subcommittee, "This One Weird Trick Will Make America Healthy Again!"

You'll be shocked or won't believe the simple everyday ingredient he recommends!

 

Ahead of Her Voting For It, Susan Collins' Staff Prepares 'Statement of Concern' Over Trump's Big, Beautiful Bill

"Her 'concerns' are pretty much boiler plate at this point," says a mid-level staffer for the Republican Senator from Maine, "At least in this second Trump term she's dropped the 'I think this time he's learned his lesson' line."

 

"Maybe Carriers Get Only Two or Three Planes Instead of 30," Suggests Trump, "Or Maybe Seven"

The president responds to loss of a second $65 Million jet fighter from the aircraft carrier Harry S Truman.

 

Shirtless Pete Hegseth Detained by ICE at Gym Over Tattoo Misinterpretation

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was briefly detained and questioned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement after reports that an aggressively loud shirtless man with several menacing gang-style tattoos was being disruptive and disturbing the other customers at a gym in Arlington, Virginia. 

ICE agents who arrived on the scene took Hegseth aside and were trying to calm him down when they recognized who he was and confirmed that his tattoos indicated affiliation with American White Supremacy rather than MS-13 membership. 

After profusely apologizing to Secretary Hegseth and promising to wash his car for a month, the agents then let the staff and clients at the gym off with a warning 'this time', but took down their names and put them on a "Snowflake Watchlist".

 

Hegseth Promises to Use Ham Radio for all Future National Security Group Chats

Facing backlash for using Signal, a commercial texting service, to discuss the details of an upcoming airstrike on Yemen, and, on top of that including in the chat a journalist from The Atlantic magazine, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and others involved swore on a stack of Trump/Lee Greenwood Bibles® that they'd learned their lesson and would use ham radio for all future communications with the group, saying, "It'll be like those code-talking Indians from that movie, even if, according to the Pentagon website, they don't exist," adding, "And we'll make sure any journalist included is somebody I know from Fox."

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

"Molly of Denali" Retitled "Molly of McKinley"

In related news: CBS pauses production of its three FBI series until further notice. Rumors are swirling of a Trumpish retooling entitled, "FBI: The Revengening", or that it would continue as "FBI: The Multiverse", more sci-fi-ish and with differing timelines and parallel universe storylines, including an outlandish one that continues as if the rule of law was still the law of the land.

 

Plan for Gaza-Lago Seaside Casino Resort & Kibbutz Unveiled

"Along with hosting guests and dues paying members, this unique resort will offer a time-share option at its Kibbutz Cabanas wing," explains Gaza-Lago spokesman Gordon Knott, "Kibutzers will receive a deep discount on their lodgings in exchange for spending 50% of their stay doing work around the resort, such as cooking, housecleaning, valet parking, perimeter security... The resort's amenities overall will be modeled after President Trump's luxurious Florida residence Mar-a-Lago," he enthused, adding, "Except for the omelet bar, at least until the price of eggs comes down."