Ant Farmer's Almanac

Qatari $400 Million Air Force One Will Come With Fully Equipped On-Board McDonald's Franchise

Eric Trump tapped to be in charge of deep fryer and drive-up window.

 

Dictionarium

Qitsche

noun / [keetsh]

Campy postmodern take on traditional French pielike brunch dish comprised of, in this case, a variety of decidedly non-traditional ingredients such as kale, tofu, Spam and pineapple in a gluten-free crust.

Still off-limits to real men.

 

Amazon and Starbucks' Strikes Panics Consumers Now Unable to Go Out for Coffee or Order Online What's Needed to Make it At Home

"I knew I should have bought that stovetop espresso machine on Amazon Prime Day!" says Derek O'Hanlan of Cupertino, California, choking back a sob, "In this day and age, I never imagined such a calamity. If only there were a place I could get hot coffee and some kind of pastry to dunk in it."

 

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

Yelp Reviews of Rick’s Café Americain After Rick Left

¶¶
Went in looking for Letters of Transit but just got pestered by some creep trying to sell me cheap jewelry.

¶
Nothing here for a Yank hankering for a taste of home. Why is it even “Rick’s Café Americain” when everybody there is a foreigner, from the Russian bartender to the French croupier to the Hungarian(?) waiter? 

¶¶¶
Good piano player although his repertoire tends toward the melancholy, occasionally interrupted by spontaneous crowd singalongs of “La Marseillaise”.    

¶
Blue Parrot across the street serves better tapas and stronger drinks.

¶¶¶¶
Went to Casablanca for the waters; was disappointed until I found this delightful spot. First-rate goulash and authentic vodka.

¶
Attractive young women do better at the roulette wheel than any man of any age except for the local police. Not sure this place is entirely on the up-and-up.

¶¶
Everybody here wants to be someplace else.

 

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.

 

Kavanaugh Withdraws from Supreme Court Nomination to Open Brewpub

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) Brett Kavanaugh surprised many today by withdrawing from his nomination to fill the Supreme Court seat being vacated by Justice Anthony Kennedy. He surprised everyone, however, with the announcement he was leaving the judiciary branch of government altogether to start his own brewpub.

"I love beer," said an ebullient Kavanaugh to a group of reporters, "Always have, always will. This whole hearing process, painful as it was, was also cathartic, a revelation. It brought me back to my true passion, the one constant in my life, the one thing I could always count on and that never let me down... aside from my wife, of course," he added, glancing over his shoulder toward where Ashley Estes Kavanaugh, stood before continuing, "Beer; brewskies, cold ones, suds. I feel alive again, reborn, even! I want to spend the rest of my life in the joyful craft of making beer, whether it be ale, altbier, amber, barley wine, Biere de Garde, bitter, bock, brown ale, Cask ale, Dopplebock, Dortmunder -- Bock or Export, Flanders red ale, Framboise, Helles Bock, Kriek lambic, Lager, Pilsner, Oud Bruin, Quadrupel, Rye beer, Scotch ale, Steam beer, Schwarzbier, Trappist, Vienna lager..."

Kavanaugh paused briefly, overcome with emotion, his eyes teary.

"Except for stout," he continued, regaining his composure somewhat "I hate that stuff."

Although no location or opening date has been determined, Kavanaugh did confirm that he would begin growing "one of those big bushy beards like brewmaster have" in the very near future.

Photo: www.freeimages.co.uk

Dessert Alert System

Pentagon Replacing “DEFCON” Military Activity/Threat-Level Status With Alert System Keyed to Whatever President Trump Is Having for Dessert

Chocolate Cake
Tomahawk missiles launched from offshore in symbolic gesture.

Apple Pie (a la mode)
Beach landing that results in planting of American flag on vanquished country’s soil.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Any military action taken south of the equator.

Key Lime Pie
The president and his pals have removed all their offshore accounts from the Cayman Islands and are sending in troops to confiscate everyone else's.

S'mores
Trump's ordered seconds but can't remember if it was more dessert or another airstrike.

Fortune Cookie(s)
Look out North Korea (Peking might wanna duck, too).

Madeleines
Fondly recall and reflect on past bombings.

Baked Alaska
Goodbye, Cruel World!

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

It's Not Easy Being (Soylent) Green

Scene: The Board Room of the Soylent Corporation, a couple of days after police detective Frank Thorn exposed that the company's top-selling product is made of people, not "high-energy plankton" as advertised. The ensuing firestorm of controversy has created a public relations nightmare. Called in for an emergency meeting, a dozen or so executive types sit around a long conference table. 

CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD

Well, we have to make a public statement sooner or later.

RANDOM BOARD MEMBER

We could just stonewall until it all blows over...

CHAIRMAN

Too late for that; we've already got a couple of murders and suicides on our hands, and a trail of evidence of conspiracy and cover-up leading directly to this room.

STEVE FROM MARKETING

Well, sales don't seem to have dropped very much. I mean, people seem to really like the stuff...

CHAIRMAN

They don't have a lot of choices.

STEVE FROM MARKETING

And, they've been eating it for years. What we need to do is make them feel okay about that...

CHAIRMAN

Admit it, then?

STEVE FROM MARKETING

Oh, much more than that, sir... embrace it, get out ahead of it, start a whole new ad campaign. I've had the boys in R&D work up a few ideas...

[Starts powerpoint presentation showing mock-ups of ads]

[Reading from ad on screen]

"Made from the Best People on Earth!"

CHAIRMAN

Is that true, strictly speaking? I thought they just had to be dead.

STEVE FROM MARKETING

Well, they're mostly Americans and, if you assume, and most Americans do, that we're the best people on earth, then, yeah, pretty much true... ish.

CHAIRMAN

So, we're going to convince them to accept being cannibals and the likelihood that they'll also wind up as somebody else's dinner?

STEVE FROM MARKETING

We'll never use the "C" word, and the people... "involved" have been heavily processed to become just one of many, many ingredients. We play down the whole, you know, people parts part... or

[Brings up second ad]

Soylent Green: For People Who Need People!

CHAIRMAN

No!

STEVE FROM MARKETING

[Quickly jumping forward to next ad]

Or we can introduce this new spokes-character/mascot...

CHAIRMAN

[Responding to image and tagline]

The "Soylent Green Giant"?

STEVE FROM MARKETING

He's bigger than life. Human...oid. A farmer; grower of crops, reaper of harvests, bringer of bounty, giver of life... all motifs that tested well with our focus groups. He'll also, subtly, remind customers of their place in the grand scheme of things... that is to say, the gnawing dread over their existential insignificance and the pointlessness of existence itself, much less such abstract concepts as "right" and "wrong" in the face of a vast, cold unfeeling universe ...

CHAIRMAN

[Squinting at image on-screen]

He looks an awful lot like Charlton Heston...

STEVE FROM MARKETING

We can fix that.

[Brings up next ad]

In tandem with the plus-size farmer and his "Fresh from the Garden" angle, we've got an environmentally friendly secondary campaign that dovetails nicely with the first and emphasizes the whole Great-Circle-of-Life/recycling element: "As Green as it Gets!" and long-term land use, "Why should you be taking up space in the ground that could be a golf-course for the grandkids"!

CHAIRMAN

I like it. It appeals to both idealism and practicality, plus a dollop of liberal guilt! Get right on this. I want to roll it out by the end of the week.

STEVE FROM MARKETING

We've also got some ideas for new flavors: "Spicy Southwesterner", "Minty Minnesotan" and "Brooklyn Hipster".

CHAIRMAN

Let's not get too far ahead of ourselves; stick with "Original", "Cool Ranch" and "Barbecue" for now and hope nobody finds out what's really in Soylent Milk anytime soon.

 

Childrens' Letters to Salmon

© Daniel Abraham

Dear Salmon,

I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?

--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa

Dear Salmon,

Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.

--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York

Dear Salman,

I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and I'll remember it whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.

--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey

Dear Salmon,

My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?

--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Dear Salmon,

Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?

--Your pal, Joey, age 7, Evanston, Illinois



"Re-Introduced" Twinkies Actually From Huge Reserve Supply Stockpiled in New Jersey Warehouse Since 1986

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

Random Thought No. 97

Cajun Christmas Cuisine

Forget about turducken, the hot new holiday meal for 2010 is Blackened Swan!

 

Is it Soup, Yet?

Chinese archaeologists have dug up a 2400-year-old pot of soup .

 

Thanks, But We'll Stick With the Double-Stuffed Oreos Dipped in Eggnog

Charles Phoenix bakes a "Cherpumple".