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Holidaze

A Christmas Karen

Ye Olde Yuletide Parody

At the stroke of midnight Christmas Eve, Karen awoke in her bed with a start, sensing there was someone else in her room. Still clutching her MyPillow® tightly while trying to keep very quiet in the darkness, as she reached toward the nightstand where her phone was recharging, she was already thinking up an angry text to send the security company.

But, before she could grab her phone, she heard a voice coming from a ghostly figure hovering over the foot of the bed.

KAREN

Who’s there? What do you want? All my valuables are in a safe-deposit box. In a bank. Far away...

SPIRIT

Karen, I’m here to help you find the true meaning of Christmas…

KAREN

What? Wait a minute. . . why are you green? Are you the Grinch? 

SPIRIT

Chuckles.

Guilty as charged. . . 

KAREN 

The Chuck Jones Grinch or the Jim Carrey Grinch?

SPIRIT

Eh, the Jim Carrey one. . . Now, then, tonight you will be visited by. . .

KAREN

Ugh, not even the good one. . . I know the drill; three ghosts, one every hour, past, present, future, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

GRINCH

Was I here last year?

KAREN

Look, if we’re gonna do this, why drag it out all night? Can you get everybody here at the same time?

GRINCH

Uh, I, eh. I don’t know for sure. Let me check.

The Grinch shuts his eyes tightly. Two spectral whirlwinds appear on either side of him, gradually taking recognizable form as Charles Dickens and Santa Claus.

CHARLES DICKENS

What the Me are you two doing here? 

SANTA CLAUS

Am I early or late?

GRINCH

Karen, here, insisted on a clusterhaunt. Where’s Krampus?

DICKENS

Three or four time zones behind us, at least. He’s in, let's see, Reykjavík, I think. 

SANTA

Well, if we’re going off-script, maybe I should start. 

Clears throat, takes swig of Coca-Cola®

Karen, having seen you while you’re sleeping and while you’re awake. . .

KAREN

Creepy! Do I need a restraining order?

SANTA

No, it’s all through closed circuit cameras around town and apps on your phone. You wouldn’t stand a chance in court. Anyway, we’ve seen that your behavior demonstrates a certain, shall we say, lack of the Christmas spirit.

Dickens and Grinch stifle snorting giggles

SANTA

Flashes them a dirty look.

Okay, I won’t sugarcoat it. You’re an even bigger pain in the ass during Christmas than the rest of the year. Worse, because it’s the one season when everyone is at least trying to be nicer than usual! Let’s look at what you did just today, on the day before Christmas you: Screamed at 12 fellow shoppers; Bawled out 11 bell ringers; Snarled at 10 part-time sales clerks; Harassed nine wassailers, cut off eight drivers in traffic; Took seven items into a dressing room; Maligned six managers; Frightened five Santa's helpers; Pulled four Santas' beards; Sent back three entrées; Took up two parking spaces; And made a postal carrier cry.

KAREN

Hey, I did what I had to. 

SANTA

Then, when you got home, you fired off an angry email to the HOA, right at dinnertime, demanding they take immediate action regarding light pollution from neighbors’ exterior tree decor, various flaccid inflatable reindeer, stray tinsel on your sidewalk and tweeted a video you made showing the license plates of the car filled with out-of-tune-carolers you’d chased off your front porch and threatened to have arrested.

KAREN

They had it coming.

SANTA

Sighs deeply

Yeah. . .

DICKENS

Look, Karen, here’s the deal. We don’t want to have to come back next year any more than you want us to. How about if you just be less of a dick on the 24th and 25th of December from here on; maybe the whole 12 days before Christmas if you can manage it. How you behave every other holiday is between you and the New Year’s Baby, Cupid, Punxsutawney Phil, the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam and the Pilgrims. Kapish?

GRINCH

Try it. You might like it!

KAREN

Narrows her eyes into a furious scowl and menacingly points her index finger at the ghosts.

You've got some nerve showing up in my house and trying to tell me what to do and when! Why, I oughta. . .

Before Karen can say another word, Dickens, Grinch and Santa exchange exasperated glances and shrug. The trio dissolves into glittering flecks of light, then vanishes completely.

KAREN

Looks around and notices it’s daylight.

Well, so much for saving time. . . I wonder how long that actually took?

Opens window and leans out.

You there, on my porch!

GUY ON PORCH

You mean me?

KAREN

Yes, you, who else? What’s today?

GUY ON PORCH

Why, it’s Christmas morning!

KAREN

Whatever day it is, get your trespassing ass off my property!

GUY ON PORCH

I’m from FedEx!

KAREN

I’m calling the cops!

 


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