Ant Farmer's Almanac

Diary Entry From Christopher Columbus's Mother, "If Only He Was the Ship's Doctor," Confirms DNA Evidence That He Was Jewish

Recent DNA testing has shown that Christopher Columbus, rather than being from the Italian city-state of Genoa, was, in fact, a Sephardic Jew, born in Valencia, Spain. 

Further research into his newly recognized origins revealed a diary kept by Columbus's mother, in which she laments her son's sea-faring career choice and his repeatedly "...going off to the ends of the earth and who knows where for years at a time for that shiksa Queen Isabella without sending his own mother so much as a post card."

 

A Christmas Karen

Ye Olde Yuletide Parody

At the stroke of midnight Christmas Eve, Karen awoke in her bed with a start, sensing there was someone else in her room. Still clutching her MyPillow® tightly while trying to keep very quiet in the darkness, as she reached toward the nightstand where her phone was recharging, she was already thinking up an angry text to send the security company.

But, before she could grab her phone, she heard a voice coming from a ghostly figure hovering over the foot of the bed.

KAREN

Who’s there? What do you want? All my valuables are in a safe-deposit box. In a bank. Far away...

SPIRIT

Karen, I’m here to help you find the true meaning of Christmas…

KAREN

What? Wait a minute. . . why are you green? Are you the Grinch? 

SPIRIT

Chuckles.

Guilty as charged. . . 

KAREN 

The Chuck Jones Grinch or the Jim Carrey Grinch?

SPIRIT

Eh, the Jim Carrey one. . . Now, then, tonight you will be visited by. . .

KAREN

Ugh, not even the good one. . . I know the drill; three ghosts, one every hour, past, present, future, yadda, yadda, yadda. . .

GRINCH

Was I here last year?

KAREN

Look, if we’re gonna do this, why drag it out all night? Can you get everybody here at the same time?

GRINCH

Uh, I, eh. I don’t know for sure. Let me check.

The Grinch shuts his eyes tightly. Two spectral whirlwinds appear on either side of him, gradually taking recognizable form as Charles Dickens and Santa Claus.

CHARLES DICKENS

What the Me are you two doing here? 

SANTA CLAUS

Am I early or late?

GRINCH

Karen, here, insisted on a clusterhaunt. Where’s Krampus?

DICKENS

Three or four time zones behind us, at least. He’s in, let's see, Reykjavík, I think. 

SANTA

Well, if we’re going off-script, maybe I should start. 

Clears throat, takes swig of Coca-Cola®

Karen, having seen you while you’re sleeping and while you’re awake. . .

KAREN

Creepy! Do I need a restraining order?

SANTA

No, it’s all through closed circuit cameras around town and apps on your phone. You wouldn’t stand a chance in court. Anyway, we’ve seen that your behavior demonstrates a certain, shall we say, lack of the Christmas spirit.

Dickens and Grinch stifle snorting giggles

SANTA

Flashes them a dirty look.

Okay, I won’t sugarcoat it. You’re an even bigger pain in the ass during Christmas than the rest of the year. Worse, because it’s the one season when everyone is at least trying to be nicer than usual! Let’s look at what you did just today, on the day before Christmas you: Screamed at 12 fellow shoppers; Bawled out 11 bell ringers; Snarled at 10 part-time sales clerks; Harassed nine wassailers, cut off eight drivers in traffic; Took seven items into a dressing room; Maligned six managers; Frightened five Santa's helpers; Pulled four Santas' beards; Sent back three entrées; Took up two parking spaces; And made a postal carrier cry.

KAREN

Hey, I did what I had to. 

SANTA

Then, when you got home, you fired off an angry email to the HOA, right at dinnertime, demanding they take immediate action regarding light pollution from neighbors’ exterior tree decor, various flaccid inflatable reindeer, stray tinsel on your sidewalk and tweeted a video you made showing the license plates of the car filled with out-of-tune-carolers you’d chased off your front porch and threatened to have arrested.

KAREN

They had it coming.

SANTA

Sighs deeply

Yeah. . .

DICKENS

Look, Karen, here’s the deal. We don’t want to have to come back next year any more than you want us to. How about if you just be less of a dick on the 24th and 25th of December from here on; maybe the whole 12 days before Christmas if you can manage it. How you behave every other holiday is between you and the New Year’s Baby, Cupid, Punxsutawney Phil, the Easter Bunny, Uncle Sam and the Pilgrims. Kapish?

GRINCH

Try it. You might like it!

KAREN

Narrows her eyes into a furious scowl and menacingly points her index finger at the ghosts.

You've got some nerve showing up in my house and trying to tell me what to do and when! Why, I oughta. . .

Before Karen can say another word, Dickens, Grinch and Santa exchange exasperated glances and shrug. The trio dissolves into glittering flecks of light, then vanishes completely.

KAREN

Looks around and notices it’s daylight.

Well, so much for saving time. . . I wonder how long that actually took?

Opens window and leans out.

You there, on my porch!

GUY ON PORCH

You mean me?

KAREN

Yes, you, who else? What’s today?

GUY ON PORCH

Why, it’s Christmas morning!

KAREN

Whatever day it is, get your trespassing ass off my property!

GUY ON PORCH

I’m from FedEx!

KAREN

I’m calling the cops!

 

New River Cruise Offers “Authentic Viking Experience” with Vacationers Sacking Coastal Villages and Torching Thatched Roof Cottages

"Pillage Package" includes: room (double occupancy), torch, broadsword, one meal/day, Continental Breakfast, horned helmet, choice of complimentary wine tasting/spa visit. Airfare not included.

 

GOP Leadership Develops Impenetrable Resistance to Redemption by Visits from Christmas Ghosts

"If we give every Tom, Dick and Harry in America $2000, where will we get the money to keep prisons and workhouses in operation?" ask Mitch McConnell and Kevin McCarthy, adding, "There are still workhouses, right?"

 

 

Frequently Asked Questions About the 2017 White House Easter Egg Roll

Q: Will Sean Spicer be the Easter Bunny again this year?

A: No. It will not be Sean Spicer in the Easter Bunny costume.

Q: Why not?

A: Mr. Spicer has other things to do. He’s a busy guy.

Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Fabergé Eggs being rolled by the younger Trumps and Kushners are a gift from Vladimir Putin?

A: The Fabergé Eggs the roya- first family's children will be rolling come from the personal collection of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson who has generously donated them for this event. We don’t know where he got them. Ebay, maybe.

Q: We notice that Spicer isn’t scheduled to be at the event, which is odd since he’s the press secretary and all, but also won’t be appearing anywhere else publicly all day, so, where is he if not inside the rabbit suit?

A: Just because you won’t see Sean Spicer and the Easter Bunny in the same place at the same time for the entire day doesn’t mean he’s the bunny. Okay?

Q: Why is there a catapult set up near the North Lawn fence?

A: Brown Easter eggs leftover from the Obamas’ diversity efforts will be taken to the North Lawn and hurled over the fence, across Pennsylvania Avenue toward protesters in Lafayette Square.

Q: Is it Chris Christie?

A: Is what Chris Christie?

Q: The guy in the Easter Bunny costume. He seems like a natural.

A: No. It isn't Governor Christie.

Q: People are saying if Sean Spicer is the Easter Bunny that, having once played that role, it would underscore criticism of the administration's penchant for hiring only those uniquely unsuited for their jobs or who've never done them before; ergo, in Trump world, Spicer's qualifications actually disqualify him.

A: What people?

Q: People. You don't know them.

A: Do you have a question or not?

Q: Is it true that president Trump will not pardon this year's Easter Bunny?

A: Wrong holiday but, come November, those turkeys are toast.

 

War on Christmas Reenactment Ends in Sectarian Brawl

BETHLEHEM, PA (AFA NewsWire) Intended to kick off a new tradition, the First Annual War on Christmas Reenactment instead unraveled into fistfights and finally what local authorities are calling a riot.

The trouble began when costumed wise men confronted a group of wassailers dressed in Victorian-era outfits wishing passersby a "Happy Christmas" and "Tidings of Great Joy," rather than "Merry Christmas." 

The carolers responded that they were speaking in the proper seasonal manner as set forth by Charles Dickens. 

The wise men, later identified as "Nativityists" -- who deem manger scenes the only acceptable Christmas display -- accused the singers of spreading secular humanist propaganda and knocked off their top-hats. The ensuing scuffle escalated and soon staff-swinging shepherds were going mano-a-mano with elves wielding oversize styrofoam candy canes as Santas traded punches with crèche cosplayers. One participant, dressed as Ralphie from the movie "A Christmas Story," nearly lost an eye to a flying fruitcake. 

Gleefully observing the action from their court-mandated distance of 300 feet, Westboro Baptist Church members held up signs reading, "God Hates Figgy Pudding" and "Your Chestnuts Will Roast in Hell".

The melee lasted nearly half-an-hour before police arrived. 

"I don't know how to tell my kids I arrested Santa today," sighed Clement Morse, of the Bethlehem Sheriff's Office, "Much less seven of them... and having tased the Virgin Mary will not go over well at Mass tomorrow."

Fifty seven people were arrested for disorderly conduct, disturbing the peace and held overnight. A rented camel, some sheep, and three French hens are still unaccounted for and being sought by Lehigh Valley animal control.

"We may have won this battle of the War on Christmas," said event co-chair Peter Burnham, "But a gingerbread house divided cannot stand. Clearly, we need more time to heal."

 

The 12 Days of Trumpness

On the First day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
A Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Second day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Third day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fourth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fifth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Sixth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Seventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eighth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Ninth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Tenth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eleventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Twelfth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Twelve Angry Tweets
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

 

Holidaze 2014

Here again is our traditional regifting of Holiday Classics from the Ant Farmer's vault:

Dylan defenestrates Santa, Bing versus Bowie in a creepy Christmas carol smackdown, and a donkey lip syncs in Brooklyn for Sounds of the Season; 

7 Things You Didn't Know About Mrs. Claus;

Hugh Laurie's TV show may be long gone, but not this holiday themed parody of it: A Very House Christmas Episode;

The recipe for a Just Dessert you won't soon forget, no matter how hard you try. . . .

and, new for this year:

As a public service to reassure you that nothing (nothing!) Disney can do to Lucas's space saga franchise could be any worse than this, we present the legendary, jaw-droppingly unwatchable and justly infamous Star Wars Holiday Special. Yes, this really happened. On purpose. On network television. On purpose. Somebody greenlighted this. We're linking only to Part 1 because chances are you'll never make it much past the opening credits, not that we're suggesting you even try. There isn't enough eggnogg in the world to get us to sit through it again.

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Valentine's Day

The annual trotting out of this Ant Farmer's Almanac Valentine's Day Holidaze Classic! Read it aloud to someone you love. 

—Love and/or Kisses, Your Local Neighborhood Ant Farmer.

Top 10 Mayan New Year's Resolutions for 2013

(now that it turns out there's going to be one):

1: Lose 20 pounds

2: Make nice with the Aztecs

3: Blame all the end-of-the-world prophecy stuff on Nostradamus

4: Find that kick-ass guacamole recipe the space aliens left behind in the 6th b'ak'tun, copyright it and sketch out a marketing campaign ("Taste that's Out of This World!")

5: Resume lawsuit against the conquistadors

6: Save the rainforest, I guess

7: Pay down MasterCard bill for the big 12/21/12 "Goodbye(?)" Party

8: Update Facebook status from "So Long, Suckers!" to "Like" 14th B'ak'tun Community page

9: Start returning Mel Gibson's calls

10: From now on, just use the free calendar the local dry cleaners gives out

 

Seasonal Greetings!

While you're frantically wrapping all those Christmas presents the Mayans promised you wouldn't have to buy this year, here's our traditional Holidaze Classics from the Ant Farmer's vault (it used to be a bomb shelter but now it's where we store this stuff, right next to the snow tires and, hey look, an exercycle!).

7 Things You Didn't Know About: Mrs. Claus

Dylan Defenestrates Santa and other Sounds of the Season 

The show's gone, but not this parody: A Very House Christmas Episode

A Just Dessert You Won't Soon Forget, No Matter How Hard You Try. . . .

 

 

Holidaze Redux

An Ant Farmer's Valentine's Day Classic! 

—XOXOXO

Holidaze: From the Ant Farmer's Almanac Vault

A Groundhog Day classic from 2009 (based on actual events!).

 

It's . . .

National Coffee Day!

Please, remember to celebrate responsibly.

 

It's . . .

National Ice Cream Day! It's also National Caviar Day. You have to finish all of your caviar before you get any ice cream.

It's . . .

National Fried Chicken Day!

(Like I needed to tell you that.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pictured above: Chicken not yet fried.

Its . . .

Workaholics Day (you know what to do).

July is...

Cell Phone Courtesy; Family Reunion; Family Golf; International Blondie and Deborah Harry; Mango and Melon; National Doghouse Repairs; National Grilling; National Horseradish; National Hot Dog; National Ice Cream;  Nectarine and Garlic; Sandwich Generation; Tour de France; and Women's Motorcycle Month.

Oh, and July 1-4 is International Chicken Wing Week, although it's only four days long and, technically, a weekend.

It's . . .

National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day. These are two separate (but presumably equal) holidays and celebrations of them should not be combined except by qualified professional jugglers of cooking implements. Pictured above, Egyptians juggling (who knew?). Look how much fun they're having!

 

February is...

 

 

American Heart, An Affair to Remember, Black History, Canned Food, Creative Romance, Great American Pie, National Cherry, National Children’s Dental Health, National Grapefruit and National Weddings Month.

Have a Very . . .

Vrolijke Kerstmis, Joyeux Noël, Frohe Weihnachten, Χαρούμενα Χριστούγεννα, Buon Natale, メリークリスマス, Feliz Natal, С Рождеством Христовым, Feliz Navidad, Mele Kalikimaka and a Merry Christmas!