When the novel Me Cheetah
, a purported autobiography “written” by the chimpanzee co-star from the Tarzan movies of the 1930s and 1940s, got nominated for a Booker Prize – Britain’s most prestigious literary award — it set off an unprecedented flood of books by and about celebrity animals.
Chief among them is the memoir of Richard Nixon’s cocker spaniel, Checkers, whose very presence in the Nixon household nearly cost him the vice presidential spot with Dwight Eisenhower in 1952.
That it was filmmaker Oliver Stone who secured the movie rights to the Checkers’ story has stirred up controversy; not because of Stone’s political views, but because he seems to have completed the script and began principal photography on his film adaptation before having received or read the transcription.
The Ant Farmer’s Almanac has obtained an early draft of the screenplay, but could not verify its authenticity, as Mr. Stone’s office would not return our phone calls, emails and repeated shouts from across the street.
CHECKERS SPEAKS
(by Oliver Stone)
EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD. NOON.
Slo-Mo: a brightly patterned toy ball appears at the corner of the frame and moves across the screen, all in the faded colors of a vintage 8mm home movie from the 1950s.
INT. PET SHOP. WASHINGTON, DC. AFTERNOON.
The pet shop clerk reaches into the window display and picks up a cocker spaniel puppy, then hands it to a man wearing a suit, tie and hat.
MONTAGE. EARLY 1950s:
Clouds moving across sky in fast motion, wet newspaper on floor, fire hydrant, Washington Monument, Rin Tin Tin, teenagers at sock hop, U.S. soldiers in Korea, Harry Truman, Milton Berle in drag, people holding “I Like Ike” placards.
INT. RESIDENTIAL DEN. EVENING.
Richard Nixon sits at a desk, pen in hand, but not writing.
His wife, Pat, enters.
PAT
(concerned)
How’s it going, Dick?
NIXON
Lousy, Buddy. I don’t know what to say in this damned TV speech. Ike’ll drop me from the ticket in a heartbeat if I can’t convince people that I’m honest. (Looking at the floor and gesturing toward Checkers, who is lying nearby.) Hell, they’d make me give back the godamm dog, if they had their way.
PAT
(alarmed)
You wouldn’t let them, would you, Dick?
NIXON
(Looking back up at Pat)
Of course not — the girls love him so, (leans down to pet Checkers) don’t they, boy (Checkers wags his tail).
INT. RESIDENTIAL DEN. LATE EVENING.
Checkers sitting at Pat’s feet. The only light is the blueish flicker of a black and white television from which Nixon’s voice can be heard
NIXON
(V.O. from TV)
. . . the only thing anyone ever gave me was my little dog, a cocker spaniel that my daughters named Checkers . . .
BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.
Ball falls from the air as camera swirls to follow it as it hits the ground, bouncing once and revealing a lawn ringed by trees.
MONTAGE. MID-1950s:
Joseph McCarthy, Lassie, Ralph Kramden glowers at Alice, opening day at Disneyland, young Jack and Jackie Kennedy, POV from underneath dinner table as child’s hand pushes bit of food toward camera. . .
INT. BLAIR HOUSE. WINTER EVENING.
A cocktail party after the 1956 presidential elections. Pat and RN mingle with the guests, mostly congressmen and senators and their wives. Among them is Texas senator Lyndon Baines Johnson (note: get Randy Quaid?).
Checkers slips into the living room from the kitchen and heads toward Nixon, briskly moving past a crowd of guests’ ankles.
Johnson, who is talking to Nixon, notices Checkers.
LBJ
(grinning widely)
Well now, Here’s that little fella got you elected veep the first time, heh, heh!
NIXON
(smiling, but clearly annoyed, both at the dog’s presence
and Johnson’s remark)
Yes, ah, heh, heh.
LBJ
(deliberately speaking too loudly now, and crouching down to pet the dog, which draws the attention of other guests)
He’s a cutey, all right. Ya know, mah boys — the beagles, I mean — they jes love it when ah pick ‘em up by the ears (reaching his hands out toward Checkers who instinctively recoils). They yelp like all get-out, but they like it!
NIXON
(stepping between LBJ and Checkers)
Now, Lyndon, I won’t have that sort of thing here...
LBJ
(somewhat petulant, but mostly annoyed)
Well now, Dick, I wouldn’t have thought you were soft on dogs.
BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.
The colorful ball bounces and rolls into distance. Checkers, as a puppy, runs by in determined pursuit.
MONTAGE. LATE-ISH 1950s:
Cars with huge tailfiins rotating on showroom platforms, Elvis Presley swiveling his hips, a rolled up newspaper being swatted directly at lens, Lucille Ball on candy factory assembly line, Huckleberry Hound, Eisenhower grinning...
EXT. WHITE HOUSE ROSE GARDEN. AFTERNOON.
President Eishenhower (note: get Robert Duvall? Patrick Stewart? That bald guy from “Night Court”?) in golf clothes is on the lawn, lining up his putt toward a pin some twenty feet away. An aide holds the flag marking the hole.
Nixon enters from behind Ike, with Checkers on a leash, just as Ike makes his shot.
CUT TO:
Ball as it rolls toward cup.
CUT TO:
Checkers as he bolts and pulls away from Nixon, yanking the leash from Nixon’s hand.
CUT TO:
Nixons’ face contorted with horror and anger and mouthing the word “No-o-o-o-o!”
CUT TO:
POV from behind the pin in the golf hole as the flag is pulled from it, revealing the ball coming in fast as Checkers approaches it, with Nixon in pursuit and Ike gesturing angrily in background. Checkers picks up the golf ball in his mouth just before it rolls into the hole and runs off.
CUT TO:
Shot from above and pulling away from Rose Garden as Secret Service agents chase Checkers around lawn in a chaotic ballet as Ike swings his putter at Nixon.
INT. BLAIR HOUSE. THAT EVENING.
Nixon family around dinner table, everyone is a little tense.
NIXON
(almost to himself)
The old man’s really steamed this time. He’s gonna give it to me good, too.
I’ll bet he sends me someplace god-awful.
Goddam dog.
CUT TO:
EXT. NARROW SOUTH AMERICAN STREET. AFTERNOON.
Black limousine with American flags attached to front fenders is surrounded and being rocked by an angry mob throwing rotten fruit and carrying signs saying “Yankee Go Home.”
CUT TO:
INT. SAME LIMO. SAME LOCATION.
Pat and RN, expressionless and looking straight ahead, sit in back seat as car rocks side to side and thrown fruit spatters heavily on the windows.
NIXON
(deadpan)
Goddam dog!
BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.
Puppy Checkers chasing ball as it rolls across expansive lawn. Catches up with it before it reaches the trees, passing it, then whirling around to pick it up and run toward camera.
MONTAGE. VERY LATE 1950s:
An Edsel, Buddy Holly, Fidel Castro, Elvis in army uniform, Laika the Russian dog that went to space.
EXT. KREMLIN, MOSCOW.
CUT TO:
INT. SHOWROOM DISPLAYING STATE OF THE ART 1959 AMERICAN KITCHEN Soviet Premiere Nikita Kruschev, Richard Nixon, with Checkers on leash, along with a translator and a slew of reporters and photographers walk through what signage claims is a "typical" American kitchen. Through a translator, Nixon and Kruschev debate the benefits of American-style consumerism versus Soviet socialism.
CUT TO:
Checkers at ankle level. Checkers sniffs at then jumps up and begins humping Kruschev’s leg. Kruschev quickly notices and leaps up, cursing.
KRUSCHEV
(poking Nixon in the chest and shouting in Russian as English subtitles appear on screen)
Son of a bitch! You arrogant Americans think you can let even your pets dry-hump Soviet peoples? You’re wrong!
We will neuter you!
BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.
Puppy Checkers runs toward the camera with ball in his mouth. As he approaches and then passes it, the camera follows him as he trots triumphantly toward Nixon family — RN, Pat, Trisha and Julie, in 1951. They all clap and smile approvingly.
MONTAGE. 1960:
Presidential election, Nixon/Kennedy debate, Fidel Castro, the Jetsons' dog Astro, black protesters being fire-hosed at demonstration, Elvis leaving army, TV scoreboard showing final vote count of Kennedy’s victory over Nixon.
INT. BLAIR HOUSE. EVENING. JANUARY 1961.
RN stands by large picture window bathed in a soft, almost ethereal glow that creates a triangle of light around him in an otherwise dark room. Pat emerges from the darkness behind RN, flicks on lights to reveal the room is filled with moving boxes. Checkers follows her in and jumps up onto the wing chair that RN is standing next to.
PAT
(looking at Checkers)
Dick, we really shouldn’t let him get up on the furniture like that, we never did before.
NIXON
(turning to look in her and Checkers direction)
Let Johnson clean up the dog hair. I just hope our boy here leaves his mark on every table leg in the place. It’ll drive those goddam beagles crazy. Lyndon’ll get so aggravated he’ll probably start a war or something while Jack isn’t looking.
PAT
(putting her hand on RN’s shoulder)
Now, Dick, I know you’re upset, but don’t be bitter. We’re all disappointed, but we’ll be back in California soon; we can start over there.
NIXON
(leaning over to pet Checkers, then turning to face
and embrace Pat)
Yeah, you’re right, Buddy, as usual.
BACK TO EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD.
Checkers approaches Nixon family. As he gets closer, POV changes to that of dog and colors goes to b&w w/blueish hue. Camera comes up to RN’s feet and looks up to see him leaning down with his hand outstretched.
RN takes ball from Checkers’ mouth.
CUT TO:
RN playfully winding up as if for pitch, then throwing the ball high and far out toward lawn as Checkers heads out after it.
CUT TO:
Brightly colored ball against blue sky as it moves in Slo-Mo across screen and disappears into the glare of the sun.
Fade to black.