Ant Farmer's Almanac

Martians Attack Our Town

A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production
Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager
(Recently discovered transcript of a recording of the only rehearsal for an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder)

STAGE MANAGER (Welles)

Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage

Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it? Am I supposed to have a pipe already full of tobacco just sitting in my pocket? Who does that? What? I don’t actually light the pipe? Just start to, then begin talking instead? Alright, that makes more sense but, wouldn’t it be better if I began filling the pipe before not lighting it? I mean. . . okay have it your way. Still, I’ve lost all credibility before I’ve even said a word, at least with anyone in the audience who’s ever smoked a pipe. . . I mean, there’s suspension of disbelief and there’s rank stupidity. . .

Turns from scowling offstage to address audience

Grovers Mill... I mean, Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

Couldn’t it be a cigar? That would be better for me. . . No? Alright, alright, the script, yes, yes, yes, I heard you.

Addressing audience again

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town, know what I mean?
Over there’s the church, there’s the steeple, look inside,
there’s all the . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

What? Of course I’ve read it. I glanced at it just before coming out here. Do you mind? Let me get on with it.

Addressing audience again

It’s a pleasant enough village, albeit unremarkable in every way, except for the large, fiery meteors falling from the sky over Main Street, landing on the town hall and post office as well as over on the wrong side of the tracks where the Italians, Poles and Irish live, crushing the only decent bakery in town. . . oh, the cannoli!

There’s panic everywhere. The meteors aren’t meteors! They’re spaceships! A hatch is opening and a creature is emerging, a Martian! Ladies and gentlemen, words cannot begin to describe the scene before me . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

So, now I’m supposed to describe something I’ve just said is indescribable and do it without using words? With what, then? Shadow puppets? Mime? Interpretive dance? Also, do they have to be Martians? That’s such a cliche. Why not Venusians, Plutonians, Neptunites? They’re made up, they can be from wherever we like.

You’re damn right I’m lighting a cigar. . . Well, If they can be Martians this cigar can be a pipe. Can we move this along? I’ve got a frozen peas commercial to record in an hour. 

 

Sir, He Says, There’s Just One More Thing…

“So, this guy comes up to me, Sir, he says—little guy, swarthy guy, kind of rumpled, and when I say rumpled I mean rumpled. All over; his raincoat, his hair, his face, even. Rumpled, all of it. Even his car is rumpled, some kind of weird dumpy foreign thing… Sir, he says, Sir, sorry to bother you again, because he’s been hanging around lately, asking a lot of questions, poking into things and talking to everybody I know about this and that and everything. And he’s got this one eye that kind of wanders, a wandering eye and it’s like, you don’t know which eye is looking at you and which one to look into when he’s talking. I mean, the whole time he’s telling me, Sir, my wife is such a big fan, huge fan, terrific fan, all I can think about is that weird and creepy eye. And his cigar. It’s unlit but about half-smoked—like it went out and he hasn’t got around to relighting it or he’s out of matches, can’t afford a lighter, I dunno. But once you notice it, it’s like with the eye, you can’t not pay attention to it. Sir, he says, with all the waving around his cigar with no smoke and the wandering eye and, Sir, he says, sorry to bother you again—and that’s when I notice there’s cops and FBI and US Marshals all around me with their guns drawn and my secret service detail is backing away with their hands up—Sir he says, there’s just one more thing…”

 

 

Miniseries "This is Utz" Scheduled for Fall Debut

Docudrama of potato chip and snack food dynasty said to be "Succession" meets "Modern Family".

Yelp Reviews of Rick’s Café Americain After Rick Left

¶¶
Went in looking for Letters of Transit but just got pestered by some creep trying to sell me cheap jewelry.

¶
Nothing here for a Yank hankering for a taste of home. Why is it even “Rick’s Café Americain” when everybody there is a foreigner, from the Russian bartender to the French croupier to the Hungarian(?) waiter? 

¶¶¶
Good piano player although his repertoire tends toward the melancholy, occasionally interrupted by spontaneous crowd singalongs of “La Marseillaise”.    

¶
Blue Parrot across the street serves better tapas and stronger drinks.

¶¶¶¶
Went to Casablanca for the waters; was disappointed until I found this delightful spot. First-rate goulash and authentic vodka.

¶
Attractive young women do better at the roulette wheel than any man of any age except for the local police. Not sure this place is entirely on the up-and-up.

¶¶
Everybody here wants to be someplace else.

 

 

Holden Caufield’s Book Report on Hemingway’s The Old Man and the Sea

Found in Holden Caufield’s dorm room after he was expelled and went home to Manhattan.

So, I guess you want to know about all this fisherman stuff.

Ernest Hemingway’s newest book is about an old Cuban fisherman, Santiago, who hasn’t caught any fish for 84 days. Everybody’s saying he’s a loser and even his assistant has been told to ditch him.

He goes out in his crummy boat to fish anyway. He hooks a marlin, at least he thinks it’s a marlin, Hemingway allows some doubt and, if you think about it, if Santiago doesn’t even know what kind of fish it is, he is kind of a loser. When I went to the aquarium with my little sister Pheobe, even she could tell the difference between a lot of the fish and she’s just a kid. Anyway, whatever kind of fish it is, it’s big enough that it pulls the boat around for two days. At first, Santiago feels admiration for the fish, then sorry for it, then he kills it. Then sharks come and he kills them. But not all of them. The sharks he doesn’t kill eat most of the probably-a-marlin and Santiago rows back home with what’s left of it. Some tourists don’t know what kind of fish it is either. Other fishermen understand what Santiago accomplished, even if it was all for nothing, and Santiago falls asleep and dreams of lions on a beach in Africa.

The story is probably an allegory or a metaphor or something. I don’t know. Maybe it symbolizes man’s struggle with nature and how, even when you win, you still lose, but I don’t really think that and it would seem kind of phony, since that’s what everybody says about Moby Dick and why would Hemingway bother writing another symbolic fish story when it’s already been done and everybody’s been forced to read it like a thousand times? 

I think maybe it’s Hemingway’s gripe about how when he writes something he’s doing it alone and isn’t even sure it’s worth doing or what it is. Then, when he’s done with it, what’s left isn’t quite what he expected. Other writers may appreciate it, even if they don’t think it’s any good, but most people don’t really get it, even if they say it’s so grand because he’s a great writer and anything he does is supposed be grand, but they don’t really know.

I don’t really get the part about lions on the beach. Maybe Hemingway was tired of writing it and just started thinking about what else he’d rather be doing or wondering if there even are lions on beaches in Africa and how they got there. Maybe he should write a book about that.

Anyway, I liked it and at least it was shorter than Moby Dick. They’ll probably make some phony movie out of it and ruin it with some way-too-handsome Hollywood movie star playing Santiago, all made up to look like an old Cuban fisherman, even though he isn’t.

 

 

 

OK Boomer!

OK Boomer!
The New Musical Sensation Dividing the Generations
(To the tune of "Oklahoma!", with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, their descendants, estates and lawyers)

OK Boomer, we are getting offa your damn lawn
And with rising seas and burning trees
Pretty soon we'll all of us be gone
OK Boomer, you have wrecked all that you leave behind
The economy, society,
And you vote as if you’ve lost your mind.

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

OK Boomers, is there something wrong with all your brains?
The world's gone bust, you've lost our trust,
Was it chemtrails coming out of planes?
OK Boomers, we are cancel'ing you right here and now
For the mess you've made, we're throwing shade
And you respond by, what, having a cow?

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

 

 

Where No Man Had Gone Before

[Bridge of the Federation Starship Enterprise D, patrolling a remote corner of the Neutral Zone.]

DATA
Captain, long-range sensors are picking up an alien ship approaching on an aggressive intercept course.

PICARD
Identification?

DATA
None sir but our scans show 12 life-forms aboard... they are hailing us...

PICARD
On screen!

[Viewscreen shows bridge of alien starship on which is a crew of beings in shades of green, blue and various colors, some with antennae, some with bad hairpieces.]

JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. I am. Jay-Tekay. You hold. Our creator. We come. In search.  Of. Him. You must release. The creator to. Us. Or. Face. The consequences!

PICARD
Again with seeking the creator... how many times has this happened?

DATA
Remarkably, only three; Season 4, episode 3; season 4, episode 19; season 6, episode 20...

PICARD
Yes, yes, Mr. Data, it was a rhetorical question.

JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. Surrender him to us. Or. Be destroyed. You have one. Earth. Hour.

PICARD
Mr. Data, analysis.

DATA
Jaytekay appears to be Kelvan and our bio-sensor readings show that each of the crew is of a different race: Orion, Triskelion, Scolsian and several others...

RIKER
Is that a Gorn?

DATA
... although from different planets, all of the life forms on the ship are roughly the same age, born within a three-year period. They also share a common string of human DNA. 

PICARD
Counselor Troi, what are you sensing?

COUNSELOR TROI
They are united by fierce emotions and a strong bond; they seek answers and closure.

PICARD
Closure? Of what?

COUNSELOR TROI
That's not clear, sir; not even to them.

DATA
Historical records show the Federation encountered their home planets some 50 years ago. Allowing for differing gestation periods, I would surmise that they were conceived in the order of first contact along an outward trajectory from Earth through their system... and...

PICARD
Yes, Mr. Data?

DATA
The Federation starship that made first contact with all of these planets was the Enterprise.

PICARD
Why am I not surprised?

DATA
The human DNA these beings share appears to be from a single Earth human...

PICARD
Oh, dear...

DATA
... It is the DNA of Captain James T. Kirk, commander of that Enterprise.

PICARD
Oh, bloody hell...

RIKER
Did he even know what the Prime Directive was?

PICARD
He's why they amended Chapter 28, section 4, subsections 3 through 19, specifically ... 

[Picard leads bridge crew in rote recitation]

"There shall be no sexual or romantic involvements of any sort during First Contact between contacting team and contactees and no such activity will be sanctioned until negotiations regarding admission to the Federation -- contingent upon outcome -- have been concluded."

RIKER
Ah, yes, the Kirk Rider.

WESLEY CRUSHER
The pink one's kind of cute.

PICARD
Wesley!

WESLEY CRUSHER
Sorry, sir.

RIKER
What should we do?

DATA
If previous encounters with Kirk-Alien spawn are any indication, these creatures are capable of chewing scenery at an alarming rate; if we beam them aboard we may not be able to contain them.

RIKER
Last time we were in dry dock for weeks...

PICARD
Options?

WORF
Photon torpedos ready to fire...

PICARD
Not just yet, Mr. Worf.

DATA
We could reinforce a holodeck by surrounding it with a forcefield; any damage would be confined there and effect only computer-generated matter.

PICARD
Good thinking, Mr. Data, make it so. Invite the visiting crew to beam over and send them directly to Holodeck 3. Computer, prepare Program Kirk/Birds and Bees/Paternity Explanation/Federation Apology/Child Support Back-Payment Offer. 

RIKER
Wesley's right; that pink babe is kind of hot.

PICARD
Number One, why don't you just remain on the bridge for this one...

 

 

From the Vault: Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll

So, I figure, if they can dig up Richard III's bones, I could dig out this Richard III-themed mash-up from the Ant Farmer's vault. Here then, from 2004, Shakespeare, Rattle & Roll.

Random Thought No. 97

Even More Recently Discovered Rejected Alternate Endings Hemingway Wrote for "A Farewell to Arms"

"Frankly, I don't give a damn."

"Goodnight, moon."

The knife came down, missing him by inches, 
and he took off.

"God bless us, everyone!"

"So long, and thanks for all the fish."

"There's no place like home!"

Po-tee-weet?

"Well, I'm back," he said.

"Go the F*** to sleep."

“Now vee may perhaps to begin. Yes?”

"Rosebud."

The scar had not pained Harry for nineteen years. 
All was well.

"Yes," I said, "Isn't it pretty to think so?"

zymosan: an insoluble largely poly-saccharide 
fraction of yeast cell walls.

And they all lived happily ever after.

 

Coming Soon!

Cajun Christmas Cuisine

Forget about turducken, the hot new holiday meal for 2010 is Blackened Swan!

 

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

Sunday Funnies

 

The Zombie Also Rises

Before the literary masterpiece/cheesey monster movie mashup craze jumps the shark, Bandwagon Books (No Trend Left Behind!) announces the first of its series Zombies! (Also available as eBooks!)

The Zombie Also Rises

By Ernest Hemingway (with additional material by L.K. Peterson)

Excerpt:

We sat outside at the little cafe near the Plaza del Toros. We sat, Alexi and me, and watched for zombies. The cafe had run out of sangria and was serving ouzo that someone had left there the summer before. It was good ouzo. Damn good. The summer before had not been good. The summer before had been terrible. The summer before had been when the zombies came.

I wondered if whoever had left the ouzo was now a zombie. I wondered if he would come back for his ouzo. I wondered if, as he approached us, he would mutter "ouzo" instead of "brains" and, if he did, should we give him some before we shot him. Just then the waiter, an old man, pale and stooped, with deep-set, dark-circled eyes shuffled toward us. He was a good waiter. Damn good. Alexi, drunk on ouzo (and before that, drunk on sangria) looked at the waiter, lifted his pistol and shot him between the eyes. "Goddam zombies," he said, almost to himself. I should have reminded him that all of the cafe's waiters looked like that, but they weren't all zombies and if he didn't stop shooting them between the eyes we would have to get our own ouzo. But I didn't. I was too busy thinking about drinking ouzo that had once belonged to a zombie. Still, it was a good shot. Damn good.

Other Titles in This Series:

The Naked & the Undead

Remembrance of Zombies Past 

Winnie-the-Pooh and Zombies Too

Eat Brains, Pray, Love 

Are You There God? It's Us, Zombies

Rich Dad, Zombie Dad

Where's Waldo?

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

Annie, Get Your Gone!

(First in a Series)

We were shocked by the recent announcement that the comic strip Little Orphan Annie would no longer be running in newspapers' funny pages. This was mostly because we'd had no idea that Little Orphan Annie was still running on newspapers' funny pages.

Something else we didn't know was that in the last decades of the 20th century, there were several attempts at updating the strip to make it trendier and more appealing to a younger demographic. Thankfully most of these efforts were short-lived and quickly forgotten. Somebody, however, forget to burn every last copy of a rare, bound collection of these makeovers, and we got hold of it.

Seen here is Annie in the mid-70s; an awkward and embarrassing era for pretty much everybody, historic comic characters especially. The kindest thing you can say about this version is that at least the long sideburns Daddy Warbucks had for a while and Sandy's hippie-dog red bandana are gone.

Musical Questions Answered

What they generally did with a problem like Maria . . .

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

Opening Spring 2010

Everybody's Fired

If you liked 2009's Up in the Air and Everybody's Fine, then you'll love this film:

Robert DeNiro and George Clooney star in this wacky yet heart-warming romp as rival corporate hatchetmen in a race to lay off everyone in North America who's still got a job. When they meet mid-air during a cross-country flight on which they've both been contracted to fire the entire crew, they face their final showdown — with each other! 

Who will fire first?

(UK title: Layoffs on a Plane) 

This film has not yet been rated.