Ant Farmer's Almanac

Pontificating Pundits Predict Perennially Perilous Path for Present Prez

News gnomes note gnarly, knotted network of neverending nuisance and interruption.  

 

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

Every Pubic Defender in Miami-Dade County Calls in Sick to Avoid Chance of Becoming Trump's Court-Appointed Defense Counsel

"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this."

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

"Saint Peter Greeting Deceased Celebrity" Set to Overtake "Guy on Desert Island" As Most Overused Cartoon Cliché

"Of course, we may not know exactly when this happens," says a spokesman for various cartoonist's organizations who is holding the bets, "There are just way too many of each to calculate. But there's every indication that the tipping point could come as soon as the end of the month." 

 

Jordan Klepper to Conduct First Post Fox-Firing of Tucker Carlson

The Daily Show correspondent's many years covering MAGA hardliners, white supremacists and Neo nazis makes him uniquely qualified to keep a straight face and continue asking questions despite responses of utter nonsense, rank stupidity and pure evil. "It'll be a challenge with Tucker," admits Klepper, "I've been training for this for a long time," adding, "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it."

 

Zelenskyy Denies Xi Asked for Dirt on Hunter Biden During Phone Call

Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy insists that at no point in his historic phone call with Xi Jinping did the Chinese president ask for compromising or embarrassing intel on U.S. president Joe Biden's son, Hunter, "Unless maybe his inquiries about laptop repair shops in Kyiv was supposed to be a hint at something." 

 

 

Joe Alwyn Eagerly Awaiting Taylor Swift's Next Album to Find Out Why She Broke Up With Him

"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

Beagle Flying a Doghouse Spotted in Video of Chinese Spy Balloon Being Shot Down

Pentagon officials will neither confirm or deny the presence of a cartoon dog in WWI flying ace gear in the vicinity during the airstrike that shot down the Chinese surveillance balloon.

The animal in question was piloting a red doghouse that had no wings, visible means of propulsion or aerodynamic features whatsoever.

Anonymous sources who have closely studied the footage say they could hear someone near the camera exclaiming, "Good grief!"

 

Uncontrollable Urge to Attend Outdoor Events Featuring Jazz Trio Most Common Side-Effect of Prescription Drugs Advertised on TV

A recent study reports the most common side effect of prescription drugs advertised on television is users' compulsion to show up at outdoor events at which a smooth jazz trio is playing.

"It was eerie," says Nancy L, who is on medications successfully treating her IBS, "I was out running errands and suddenly I found myself at a garden party with a young woman singer backed up by older guys playing guitar and standup bass. I don't remember how I got there. It was like I'd been hypnotized," adding, "I guess it's a small price to pay but, I really don't like jazz."

The study, conducted by the The Underhill Institute, reviewed hundreds of cases, finding consistently similar incidents, regardless of the drug being taken or whatever condition it was intended to address.

"Doesn't matter what. You take something for it—bam!" says Institute spokesman Dr. Sterling Cooper, "You're outside listening to a smooth jazz ensemble. And one of them's wearing a porkpie hat."

The notable exception, according to the study's findings, is that men using meds for erectile dysfunction are more likely to form or join a rock-and-roll garage band composed of others guys in late middle age.

 

AI Creators Promise Beta Version of George Santos Will be "Much More Convincing"

"Yeah," say software creators at PinocchiCorp, "In hindsight, we shouldn't have released this Alpha version publicly. Clearly, there are still quite a few bugs in the system, although we did get the number of fingers right and his nose doesn't grow when he lies."

 

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

New Poll Finds 85% of American Refrigerators Running

Of those contacted by phone, 12% said they were “Not Sure” and 3% declared themeselves “Undecided.” Also, the number of households with Prince Albert in a can is at an historic low.

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

Elon Musk Insures Twitter for $44 Billion

In a move deemed, 'Not at all suspicious,' Elon Musk, the new owner of Twitter, has revealed that he's taken out an insurance policy for the full purchase price of the company.

"I just want to protect my investment," insists Musk, noting that the Double Indemnity Clause for fire is well warranted, "You know these absent-minded tech people, so careless with matches, Bunson burners and whatnot." 

Musk would neither confirm or deny there is an additional Triple Indemnity Clause for cases of "Stray SpaceX Rockets Landing Right on Top of the Place."

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.