Ant Farmer's Almanac

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Leaked Report: Lack of Gratitude for His Protecting Airports During American Revolution Cause of Trump's Hostility Toward FAA

"Not a single thank you. Not one. They're lucky I don't just disband the whole thing," Trump has said to close advisors as well as anyone standing near him at Mar-a-Lago. The report also claims the president's animosity toward Canada stems from their siding with the British in 1776 and 1812.

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddests". 

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Drone! Drones Sighted Over New Jersey are Most Likely Drones, Say Experts

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone."

 

New York Times Officially Changes Slogan from "All the News That's Fit to Print" to "Resistance is Futile"

After 127 years as the guiding motto of the New York Times, appearing on its front page daily since 1897, "All the News That's Fit to Print" has been updated to the more Trump administration friendly, "Resistance is Futile." The move is consistent with the Times' gradual shift away from objective news gathering and good faith analysis and opinion toward made-you-look clickbait.

In a related story, the Washington Post has replaced its slogan, "Democracy Dies in Darkness" with, "Democracy Can Also be Killed for Money in Broad Daylight with Lots of Witnesses."

Meanwhile, in an exclusive interview with Daily Planet reporter Clark Kent, Superman announced that his vow to fight for, "Truth, Justice and the American Way" will now be "The American Way, Whatever the Hell That is Just Now."

 

McDonald's Where Trump Worked Deep Fryer Found Cash Drawers Emptied and All Ketchup Packets Missing After His Departure

"We were also short about two dozen straws, and all the apple pies in the freezer were gone," reported the assistant manager of the Feasterville-Trevose, Pennsylvania franchise location at which the former president worked the deep fryer for a few minutes Sunday, adding, "We also can't find the file containing the secret recipe for the sauce that goes on a Big Mac, the Shamrock Shake, and what kind of fish the fish sandwich is made of. No napkins had been taken, though."

The company will neither confirm or deny the suspension of rumored plans to add a presidential themed item to the menu of the Feasterville-Trevose location, the McTroll Meal, featuring a McTrump Cheeseberder, with supersize fries and unlimited refills of Diet Coke.

Also "On Hold" are any National Park Service plans to put up some sort of historic marker noting the occasion until after the upcoming election.

 

NY Times Demands Harris State Her Policy Positions on Windmill Cancer, Shark v Electrocution, Haitian Cuisine, Canada's Giant Faucet, Hannibal Lecter and Whether "The Bear" Really Belongs in the Emmy Awards' Comedy Category

One Times editorial page pundit skeptical about Harris sniffed haughtily, "Say what you will about Trump but, he's made it very clear where he stands on the important issues and Harris owes it to us to do the same," adding, "We'd also like to know if she's changed her opinions on the 'Laurel v Yanni', 'Gold Dress v Green Dress' and the 'Taste Great v Less Filling' controversies of the past."

 

New GOP PSA Reminds Party Members to Spay or Neuter Their Pets or Hand Them Over to the Nearest Illegal Haitian Immigrant, Along With Some Fava Beans and a Nice Chianti.

Fine print suggests that in South Dakota to just leave the animal in a gravel pit near Kristie Noem's house.

 

21 Questions for the New York Times

In light of the New York Times' 21 questions for Kamala Harris, we have 21 of our own for them.

1) WTF, New York Times?

2) What is WRONG with you?

3) Are you trying to lose subscribers?

4) Who decided to rename the sports pages, "The Athletic"? I mean, c'mon.

5) Seriously, what is WRONG with you?

6) Do you really think that being extra hard on Harris and giving Trump a pass will make you look "Fair and Balanced"? (It doesn't.)

7) Follow up question: Have you forgotten how well this kind of strategy worked out in 2016?

8) Do your Real Estate section editors toss a coin to decide whether they'll run an "Everybody's Moving to Brooklyn" or an "Everyone's Leaving Brooklyn for the Hudson Valley" article that week? (Helpful Hint: when a Brooklyn couple whose jobs are "candle repair" and "poet" spend a million bucks for five acres and a century old farmhouse in Saugerties and another $450k on renovations, we all see TRUST FUND in flashing neon letters.)

9) How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

10) What did Gail Collins do so wrong that she's now only allowed to write with Bret Stephens in the room with her? Is this about her going on about Mitt Romney's dog tied to the roof of his car in 2012?

11) Are you angling to be bought by Rupert Murdoch after finding out how much more money Wall Street Journal editors make since he bought that paper?

12) Does anyone there read Maureen Dowd's columns before they're published?

13) Did anyone on your staff question why somebody who already has their own magazine to write in, like Rich Lowry, deserves space on The NY Times editorial page for a hit-piece on Kamala Harris? 

14) A summer-long column on birding? Really?

15) Who spends only 36 Hours someplace? (Spoiler alert: only somebody who missed their connecting flight or is snowed in and will be staying in the airport, that's who.)

16) Define "Fit to Print".

17) Why don't you run a comics page?

18) The whole Met Gala thing. You just made that up, right? It can't be real.

19) Do you have an in-house limit for how many times you'll repost an article with a different headline?

20) Seriously. What. Is. Wrong. With. You?

21) At long last, New York Times, if you can't recognize a mentally ill, race-baiting, cheap crook already convicted of fraud lowlife without a shred of decency when you see one, especially one who's been living down the street from you and committing his crimes in broad daylight for decades, why the fuck should we trust anything you say?

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

Historic Bidding War Set Off as Environmental Groups Offer $2 Billion — Double What Trump Asked of Oil Companies — to Steer Energy and Environmental Policies

“We figured, if you can’t beat him, bribe him,” says Eco-Groups' spokesman, adding, “I just hope he's a man of his word.”

At presstime, no one from the fossil fuel industry could comment on when or how much of a counteroffer would be forthcoming.

 

Here is the Church, Here are the People, Comes a Tornado, There Goes the Steeple

Tornado Hits Pennsylvania Town During Church Service

 

"They Will Be Parasite Non Grata!" Trump Vows to Deport All Brain-Eating Worms on Day One

"Just the other day a worm came up to me, big worm, strong worm, tears in his eyes, Sir, he said, Sir, you have the best brain this worm has ever seen and it would be an honor for me to crawl in there, nibble a bit of it and then die. I could die happy. But I said no. No worm will ever eat even the tiniest part of my big, beautiful brain, very good brain, some say the best brain, doctors have said they've never seen anything like it. I took that test, that cognersherrrrr test, remember, man, woman, person, camera, covfefe. . . "

 

He Showed Up at the Governor’s Mansion with My Korean BBQ Delivery. Who Was I Supposed to Think It Was?

Kristi Noem tries to explain her debunked claim of meeting and staring down North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un as a case of understandable mistaken identity, saying, “There aren’t that many Koreans in South Dakota to begin with, especially with that haircut,” adding, “We did have a stare down after I gave him his tip. He wasn’t happy about it but I definitely won that round.”

 

Immigrants, Trans Kids & DEI at USGS Blamed for Friday's Earthquake

Agency denies any role in tectonic plates shifting.

Elsewhere, NASA reports getting threatening messages accusing its "Godless pro-science slant" for causing Monday's eclipse.

 

MAGA Optometrists Denounce Transition and Progressive Lenses

Group denies affiliation with bifocal and sunglass industry.