Ant Farmer's Almanac

Joe Alwyn Eagerly Awaiting Taylor Swift's Next Album to Find Out Why She Broke Up With Him

"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."

 

NORAD's Santa Tracker to Follow Taylor Swift's Flight from Tokyo to Super Bowl

"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas."

 

Clapton Demoted to Guitar Demigod

MT.  OLYMPUS (AFA NewsWire) In a statement following a unanimous vote by the Council of Deities, it was announced that Eric "Slowhand" Clapton, renowned British rock and roll guitarist, has been demoted from "Guitar God" to "Guitar Demigod."

It is believed Clapton's controversial antivax stance -- including a recent song promoting it -- proved to be the final of many last straws against him here in the ethereal plane. 

"He's really turned out to be quite the dickhead, what with one thing after another," said Dionysus, "He used to be so much fun."

 

OK Boomer!

OK Boomer!
The New Musical Sensation Dividing the Generations
(To the tune of "Oklahoma!", with apologies to Rodgers & Hammerstein, their descendants, estates and lawyers)

OK Boomer, we are getting offa your damn lawn
And with rising seas and burning trees
Pretty soon we'll all of us be gone
OK Boomer, you have wrecked all that you leave behind
The economy, society,
And you vote as if you’ve lost your mind.

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

OK Boomers, is there something wrong with all your brains?
The world's gone bust, you've lost our trust,
Was it chemtrails coming out of planes?
OK Boomers, we are cancel'ing you right here and now
For the mess you've made, we're throwing shade
And you respond by, what, having a cow?

We know. You had all the best bands
But they're dead now, so just go pound sand!
And when we say
Shut up and go away!
We really mean it you Boomers
OK Boomers, oy vey!

 

 

Yasgur's Ghost

A little song to commemorate the collapse of both 50th Anniversary of Woodstock events.

 

Well, I came upon a middle-aged man
He was talking about the road
I asked, him, where you thinkin' of going
And this he told me
Well I'm off in search of Yasgur's ghost
Gonna hire me some rock and roll bands
Trynna get back to the land that set our 
Souls free

We are boomers, years now golden
Feeling like billion year old carbon
And we want to buy our way back into the garden

Well, then can I roam beside you?
My world's been in a haze,
And nostalgia's all that sells or 
Makes sense these days

And maybe it's that my time is up 
And maybe it's the lot of man
I still don't know who I am
But life's for yearning

We are boomers, years now golden
Feeling like billion year old carbon
And we can't just buy our way back into the garden

By the time we bailed on Woodstock
There was half-a-million gone...
And nowhere near any song 
Or celebration

And I dreamed I saw Max Yasgur floating 
Above me in the sky 
Said, the past ain't like it was

And by now you should know why

We are boomers, years now golden
Caught in our own devils bargain
We ought to have just booked
Madison Square Garden

 

More Fake Bob Dylan Quotes

"Klaatu barada nikto."

"I only worked part-time on Maggie's farm."

"Hurricane Carter took $50 out of my wallet when he thought I wasn't looking."

"Deezil, mayop ginchner hrrrrrn."*

"I thought twice, once. It wasn't alright."

"Next album, me and Justin Beiber cover Jan and Dean's biggest hits."

"To relax while on the tour bus, I handcraft leopard skin pill box hats that I sell on Etsy."

"Mr. Jones knew what was happening the whole time."

"Renaldo & Clara... what the hell was I thinking?"

"Jonah Lehrer is the best writer working today; a genius, better than me, even."

 

*May be actual quote.

7 Sure-Fire Signs That That Rock Band You Used to Really Like is Over the Hill

1: There are fewer than two surviving members onstage from the original group.

2: Band now has a horn section, all of whom inexplicably wear porkpie hats. Also, the obligatory trio of sexy, girl back-up singers move in unison and clap along to the songs they're not in just to stay awake. 

3: Front man performs second half of set from a Laz-Boy® recliner.

4: Their tribute band that you saw at a water park last summer sounded more convincing.

5: The Hell's Angels working security don't knife anybody.

6: The songs from "their latest album" that you've never heard of are just awful.

7: You found out about the concert and got tickets for it through AARP.

It's . . .

 

Saxaphone Day, apparently 

 

This Day in Woodstock

Day 1 Lineup:

Richie Havens; Sweetwater; Bert Sommer; Tim Hardin; Ravi Shankar; Melanie; Arlo Guthrie; Joan Baez.

Justin Bieber 3-D Biopic to Star Hilary Swank

Film Will Premiere Valentine's Day 2011, Just in Case You Won't Already Be Depressed Enough on That Day 

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment NewsWire) Paramount Pictures has confirmed to Entertainment Weekly that Justin Bieber's life story will be the subject of a 3-D movie, and is slated to have Hilary Swank in the lead role as the teen singing sensation.

Although Swank's spokespeople could not be reached for comment, her resemblance to Bieber and previous portrayals of teenaged boys make her the front runner. Some, however, insist that Swank's looks are simply "too boyish" to convincingly play Justin.

Set to open on Valentine's Day 2011, the movie is as yet untitled, but is likely to share the name of Bieber's forthcoming memoir, First Step 2 Forever: My Story. The chapter on how he finds 'spelling and stuff' to be, "Like, really hard" is expected to provide the film's emotional core.

Whether the home video of Justin's birth will be included is up to the director. Rumors that Bieber's parents have and will allow use of footage of his conception are unconfirmed.

Musical Questions Answered

What they generally did with a problem like Maria . . .

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

On This Day in History...

1960: Elvis Presley ends his two-year hitch in the U.S. Army; many blame his subsequent film career on Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Blogroll (kinda)

Julie Jackson, friend, haiku master (haiku mistress?), creator of Subversive Cross Stitch and other fine bits of hilarity, has a new book out: Glamourpuss, The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs. 

Buy it online before the bookstores get too crowded. Oh, and there's a cat-in-a-wig-themed haiku in it by me.

In other news:

Bill Gates has given up his Facebook page because he had "too many friends"; he also suspected that they really just wanted him to do their math homework for them.

As the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Music Festival approaches, people who attended the event will stop and reflect in awe that Max Yasgur didn't just turn the hose on them and tell them to get the hell off his lawn.

Mommie Dimmest

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Dropped by its original publisher after news broke of 16-year-old Jamie Lynne Spears' pregnancy, Lynn Spears' book, Pop Culture Mom: A Real Story of Fame & Family, has quickly been snatched up by another outfit.

Self-described "Christian publisher" Thomas Nelson, Inc. cancelled the Mother's Day 2008 release of Ms. Spears' memoir saying that it "Was no longer a good fit with this company's mission or values," adding, "And a really stupid idea at this point."

Within hours, however, another publisher had reportedly offered a five-figure deal for the rights to print the parenting advice of Britney and Jamie Lynne's mother by late summer.

Ms. Spears' "White Knight" is Penquin Press, who will re-title the manuscript, The Idiot's Guide to Raising Dummies. The proposed revamp also changes the book from an inspirational narrative to a "How-To," complete with bullet points that highlight everything Ms. Spears did and didn't do in the process of transforming her semi-talented offspring into clueless skanks.

Upon hearing the announcement, the publisher of the rival "For Dummies" series blasted any comparison of the Spears family to "Dummies" as "An insult to dummies," and is threatening legal action.

Pimp My Name (First in a Series)

Part One: In which famous couples get tabloid nicknames.

1. Davesheba 
2. Caesopatra
3. Cleopantony
4. Hebalard
5. Jopolean
6. Jemmings
7. Edwallis
8. Clarkbard
9. HumpBac
10. Lizard

Bonus Fictional Couple: Hoolittle

1: David / Bathsheba; 2: Julius Caesar / Cleopatra; 3: Cleopatra / Mark Antony; 4: Abelard / Heloise; 5: Napoleon / Josephine; 6: Thomas Jefferson / Sally Hemmings; 7: Edward VIII / Wallis Warfield Simpson; 8: Clark Gable / Carole Lombard; 9: Humphrey Bogart / Lauren Bacall; 10: Richard Burton / Elizabeth Taylor. Bonus Fictional Couple: Henry Higgins / Eliza Doolittle.

Who's Left?

Last Available Tune by The Who Finally Used in Ad

LOS ANGELES (Ant Farmers Almanac Newswire) It was announced today that Acme Pest Control, a Southern California extermination company, has bought the rights to use The Who song Boris the Spider, from the band's 1971 compilation album Meaty Beaty Big and Bouncy, in a new ad campaign.

This had been the only remaining song by the influential British rock group not already being used for advertising or as a television show theme song.

"We're thrilled to have the rights to this song and delighted to be a part of this historic moment," said Eric Nihd, spokesman for Acme.

A publicist for surviving band members Peter Townshend and Roger Daltry stated that the pair had expressed "Relief and a sense of closure" at this milestone, although he allowed that much of their relief was because for once it wouldn't be a car commercial.

Although every song recorded by The Who has now been tapped for commercial purposes, several are not currently in use and some may never be. Chief among these is Fiddle About (aka Uncle Ernie) from the rock opera Tommy, that describes the sexual abuse of a deaf mute. It was licensed in 1993 by a Japanese company that markets violin learning systems, apparently before anyone had translated the lyrics.

Asked what Daltry and Townshend intend to do now that their entire creative output had been recycled as commercial jingles, their publicist shrugged and said, "I guess they'll have to write some more songs."

Madonna's Household Chef Studying Halvah

LONDON, England (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) British tabloids are reporting that Madonna's household chef has been tutored in the secrets of making halvah, an ancient Jewish delicacy.

 

Sources close to Mary Reilly, the 23-year-old Irish-born cook employed by glam couple Madonna and Guy Ritchie, say she was whisked off for several weeks to Cantor's Delicatessen in Los Angeles to learn the art and mystery of halvah preparation. It is not known whether this is an outgrowth of the Kabbalah-smitten Madonna's exploration into Judaic mysticism or an elaborate way to trick her kids into having fewer sweets.

 

Often confused with "baklava" by people who've never had either, halvah originated in the Balkans and eastern Mediterranean where it is still believed to be a dessert. The confection is made of ground sesame seeds, honey or sugar syrup, with dried fruit, pistachio nuts and farina and sometimes almonds, cinnamon and cardamon, which are then heated and poured into bars or long loaves. The name means literally 'sweetmeat' and forms of it are found in Turkish, Greek, Yiddish and Arabic cooking (Helva, halwa, halawi, etc.), as well as other cultures whose traditional cuisine predates chocolate.

 

Also unknown is whether Reilly picked up other traditionally Jewish culinary skills while at L.A.'s famed eatery. However, regulars at a London tea shop frequented by Guy Ritchie report that the film director has stopped ordering his usual Full English Breakfast ("Full Monty") of fried bacon, sausage, mushroom, eggs and tomato in favor of a "Bialy with schmeer."

 

Asked if she thought her time with the masters of deli fare had been well-spent, Reilly shrugged and replied, "It couldn't hurt."

 

Shakespeare Rattle & Roll

Mixing Up Some Classics

Little Richard III 

by William Shakespeare & Richard Penniman (aka Little Richard) 

ACT ONE: SCENE II 

LADY ANNE 

Villain, thou know'st no law of God nor man: 

No beast so fierce but knows some touch of pity. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, 

Bama lama, bama loo, bama lama, bama loo, 

Now I dig her style, she's like a drive me wild with 

Bama lama, bama loo. 

LADY ANNE 

O wonderful, when devils tell the truth! 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Tutti frutti, oh rutti, 

Tutti frutti, oh rutti, 

Wop bop a loo bop a lop bam boom! 

LADY ANNE 

Fouler than heart can think thee, thou canst make 

No excuse current, but to hang thyself. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

I asked my baby for kiss, she shook her head like this, 

I asked my little girl for kiss, she shook her head around like this, 

LADY ANNE 

I hope so. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

She rocks to the East, she rocks to the West, 

She is the gal that I love best, 

LADY ANNE 

Would it were mortal poison, for thy sake! 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

If I can't find my baby, then you know darn well, 

I'm gonna ring your door till I break your bell. 

LADY ANNE 

'Tis more than you deserve; 

But since you teach me how to flatter you, 

Imagine I have said farewell already. 

LITTLE RICHARD III 

Woooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! 

Exeunt 

In Memorium, Broadway Theaters Dimmed Their Lights and Observed a Moment of Silence Lasting Two Verses and a Chorus

Fred Ebb, lyricist of the Broadway musical songwriting team of Kander and Ebb, died this week at the age of 76. 

By Any Other Name

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of musical dinner theater, singer Robert Goulet announced that he has taken a Hebrew name and now wishes to be known as "Shlomo." 

"I've heard a lot about the Kabbalah," said the veteran crooner, speaking from his dressing room in the Tri-County Arts Pavilion and Civic Center in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, as he prepared for his 347,659th performance in Lerner and Loewe's Camelot. "I'm a happening kind of cat," Goulet continued with a straight face, "And if what it takes to make it in show biz these days is to go by a single name inspired by Jewish mysticism that consists of a large body of meditative, devotional and magical practices and speculation on the nature of divinity, the creation, the origin and fate of the soul, then I'm there, baby. Besides, some of my best friends are . . ." Goulet was interrupted at this point and summoned to the stage for his opening number. 

Later, in the theater's lobby, Goulet's manager, J.P. Manley, spoke with reporters. "No, Bob's not 'on something', as has been suggested," said Manley over the strains of "If Ever I Should Leave You" coming from just a few yards away, "He did start taking a new allergy medication recently, but I don't think that's got anything to do with it, so please, let's not start any rumors about a beloved-but-fading matinee idol's heart-rending fight back from addiction that gets his name all over the tabloids and maybe even picked up by some legitimate papers and Entertainment Tonight and sparks some interest in his career." 

Asked if Mr. Goulet's move was prompted by Madonna's recent adoption of the Hebrew name "Esther", Manley replied, "A lot of your A-list gentile celebrities have been taking traditionally Jewish names. Last I heard, Donny Osmond and Tony Orlando were in a nasty court fight over the rights to use the name "Shecky." 

In response to a reporter's bluntly stated theory that this was just a publicity stunt to help land his client the part of Tevye in a production of Fiddler on the Roof scheduled to tour Florida for the next two years, Manley responded curtly, "Hey, he's trying to stay alive in a very competitive business and doing everything he can to keep himself out of Branson, Missouri and I support him in that. He's a real trouper, and if anybody deserves a couple of winters in a nice warm place, it's Bob, er Shlomo." 

As the curtain call applause dwindled and the audience headed for the exits, Manley wrapped up the press conference, saying, "Look, the show's over and Shlomo's gonna really need his "Claritin" right about now."