Ant Farmer's Almanac

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

New River Cruise Offers “Authentic Viking Experience” with Vacationers Sacking Coastal Villages and Torching Thatched Roof Cottages

"Pillage Package" includes: room (double occupancy), torch, broadsword, one meal/day, Continental Breakfast, horned helmet, choice of complimentary wine tasting/spa visit. Airfare not included.

 

New Ennuija Board Game Responds to Every Question With “Meh”

In beta testing, it would occasionally spell out, “Like I Care”,  “Who Gives a Rat’s Ass?” and "Pffft!"

 

"Re-Introduced" Twinkies Actually From Huge Reserve Supply Stockpiled in New Jersey Warehouse Since 1986

Newest Book Coming Out Soon...

My latest book, Fairly Grim Tales, comes out soon. In it, nine classic fables are given the reboot (they had it coming) and whisked away to a mythical, magical woodland where fairy tales really can come true, except when they go straight to DVD.

Visit the Now What Media booth at the New York ComicCon October 11 through 14 at the Javits Center. The author (yours truly) and illustrator (Tom Hachtman, scroll down to the "Get the F**k Back to Work entry with his drawing) will be on hand to sell 'n' sign books! Come on over, say "Hi," and purchase many, many copies of the book; hey, my beachfront retirement property isn't gonna buy itself.

 

New iPhone App Tracks User Naughtiness, Niceness

THE NORTH POLE (AFA NewsWire) The day after the Wall Street Journal reported that Apple's iPhone and iPad as well as Google's HTC Android track and transmit the locations of their users for storage in the companies' databases comes the startling revelation of another application in these devices that gauges user behavior, determining activity as "naughty" or "nice."

The application, iCU, developed by Kringle Surveillance Systems and dubbed the "Santa-App," uploads its findings to a vast bank of computers in the Artic Circle, where it is analyzed to determine each phone users' "gift-recipient eligibility."

At a press conference Kringle's public relations director Ann Elph would not address reporters' questions regarding what standard of ethics and/or morality the application is calibrated by or whether crying and pouting still qualify as "naughty." Elph focused instead on the precision of iCU's metrics, "Our information is absolutely accurate," emphasized Elph, "We check it twice. If you doubt iCU's evaluative veracity, think back to what was under your tree last Christmas, and ask yourself if you really, truly deserved anything better."

In response to questions about the iCU being an actionable violation of phone users' constitutional right to privacy, Elph pointed out that, "Hey, you agreed to it. It's not a secret; it's right there in the contract's small print -- subsection eight, paragraph three of the Santa Clause," adding with a sigh, "Maybe you should try actually reading these things, for once... there's all kinds of crap in there you wouldn't like if you knew about it." 

 iPhone case by designer Thomas Hooper and available for sale. They're very cool and you should get one. Tell him the Ant Farmer's Almanac sent you. He won't know what you mean, but still.

It's . . .

 

Saxaphone Day, apparently 

 

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

The Zombie Also Rises

Before the literary masterpiece/cheesey monster movie mashup craze jumps the shark, Bandwagon Books (No Trend Left Behind!) announces the first of its series Zombies! (Also available as eBooks!)

The Zombie Also Rises

By Ernest Hemingway (with additional material by L.K. Peterson)

Excerpt:

We sat outside at the little cafe near the Plaza del Toros. We sat, Alexi and me, and watched for zombies. The cafe had run out of sangria and was serving ouzo that someone had left there the summer before. It was good ouzo. Damn good. The summer before had not been good. The summer before had been terrible. The summer before had been when the zombies came.

I wondered if whoever had left the ouzo was now a zombie. I wondered if he would come back for his ouzo. I wondered if, as he approached us, he would mutter "ouzo" instead of "brains" and, if he did, should we give him some before we shot him. Just then the waiter, an old man, pale and stooped, with deep-set, dark-circled eyes shuffled toward us. He was a good waiter. Damn good. Alexi, drunk on ouzo (and before that, drunk on sangria) looked at the waiter, lifted his pistol and shot him between the eyes. "Goddam zombies," he said, almost to himself. I should have reminded him that all of the cafe's waiters looked like that, but they weren't all zombies and if he didn't stop shooting them between the eyes we would have to get our own ouzo. But I didn't. I was too busy thinking about drinking ouzo that had once belonged to a zombie. Still, it was a good shot. Damn good.

Other Titles in This Series:

The Naked & the Undead

Remembrance of Zombies Past 

Winnie-the-Pooh and Zombies Too

Eat Brains, Pray, Love 

Are You There God? It's Us, Zombies

Rich Dad, Zombie Dad

Where's Waldo?

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

Next Summer's Summer Movies! A Preview!

A Sneak Peak at What Blockbuster Entertainments Hollywood Will Fling Our Way for the Summer of 2011!

 

First Butt Photocopied at Office Party the Following Week

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On this date in 1960, the first Xerox copying machine is shipped.

On This Day in History...

1959: The Barbie doll is introduced, forever warping girls' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look. It also warps boys' ideas about how a woman is supposed to look, and kicks off a fierce, decades'-long race among plastic surgeons to see who can create the most gravity defying bazoomage. 

State of the Union to be Sponsored by Apple iPad

Prez's Speech Rescheduled to Coordinate with Steve Jobs' iPad Rollout, Not to Avoid Conflict with Season Premiere of Lost, as Previously Reported 

WASHINGTON DC (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) As President Barack Obama's first State of the Union address approaches, documents alleging a product placement deal between the White House and Apple, Inc. are swirling around Capitol Hill.

Although sketchy about the amount or manner of remuneration, word is that during tonight's speech, and only hours after it was unveiled by Steve Jobs, the president will have with him a new iPad.

According to the rumored deal's rumored terms and conditions, the president will, "Personally carry the iPad to the podium," and do so in "...a strategic manner that makes the device and its logo visible from several camera angles"

Furthermore, it is stipulated that during his speech the president, "Glance down at his iPad as if referring to notes at least twice," and at some point, "Smile contentedly and remark, 'This thing is great; everybody should get one' and 'I wish we'd invested in these instead of GM'".

Inside-the-Beltway bloggers are also reporting that John Hodgeman, who plays the hapless PC in Apple's ad campaign, will be in attendance and will shout, "You lie!" from the gallery when the president makes his flattering remarks about the iPad.

Thanks, But We'll Stick With the Double-Stuffed Oreos Dipped in Eggnog

Charles Phoenix bakes a "Cherpumple".

Turquoise is the New Black

Pantone Picks 2010 Color of the Year

CARLSTADT, NJ (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Stating that it "...transports us to an exciting, tropical paradise while offering a sense of protection and healing in stressful times," Pantone Color Systems has announced that turquoise is the Color of the Year for 2010.

Turquoise succeeds 2009's mimosa yellow, and will be the go-to color for designers and artists of all types, fashion, graphic or crafts, and the default choice for anyone too tired to make a decision.

The news sent makers of fancy cowboy belt buckles and Southwest-themed jewelry rushing to check their inventory of the blue-green stone and the sterling silver into which it is traditionally set.

Reached for comment at her Santa Fe, New Mexico workshop, Monica "Full Moon Woman" Munchausen, was delighted about the choice. "I could just plotz!" she exclaimed while yanking any red, black or yellow feathers from the authentic native American dreamcatchers she's made then carefully replacing each with turquoise colored ones, "I'll have these babies on every rear-view mirror from here to Malibu."

As is the case every year, if, for any reason, turquoise is unable to fulfill its duties as Color of the Year the first runner-up — tomato puree this time around — will step in and finish out whatever remains of the term.

Rejected Commemorative Quarters

From 1970. Reverse side features image of Mount Vernon and the motto "I AIN'T GONNA WORK ON MARTHA'S FARM NO MORE".

Sneak Peak at Palin Book Cover

The Ant Farmer's Almanac has obtained a copy of what we believe to be a possible cover design for Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir Going Rogue: An American Life. While this may not be the cover that gets used, we have been assured that it was near the top of the pile on the art director's desk.

Blogroll (kinda)

Julie Jackson, friend, haiku master (haiku mistress?), creator of Subversive Cross Stitch and other fine bits of hilarity, has a new book out: Glamourpuss, The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs. 

Buy it online before the bookstores get too crowded. Oh, and there's a cat-in-a-wig-themed haiku in it by me.

In other news:

Bill Gates has given up his Facebook page because he had "too many friends"; he also suspected that they really just wanted him to do their math homework for them.

As the 40th anniversary of the Woodstock Music Festival approaches, people who attended the event will stop and reflect in awe that Max Yasgur didn't just turn the hose on them and tell them to get the hell off his lawn.