Ant Farmer's Almanac

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

DeSantis Vows to Put Florida-Bound Saharan Dust Storm on a Bus to New York City

"As soon as this Arabian abomination hits our shores," stated a spokesman for Florida governor and 2024 presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis, "We'll gather that sucker up and send it up to New York City and see how they like it... heck, they'll probably give it tickets to The Lion King and let it register to vote!"

 

 

Every Pubic Defender in Miami-Dade County Calls in Sick to Avoid Chance of Becoming Trump's Court-Appointed Defense Counsel

"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this."

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

Joe Alwyn Eagerly Awaiting Taylor Swift's Next Album to Find Out Why She Broke Up With Him

"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

Beagle Flying a Doghouse Spotted in Video of Chinese Spy Balloon Being Shot Down

Pentagon officials will neither confirm or deny the presence of a cartoon dog in WWI flying ace gear in the vicinity during the airstrike that shot down the Chinese surveillance balloon.

The animal in question was piloting a red doghouse that had no wings, visible means of propulsion or aerodynamic features whatsoever.

Anonymous sources who have closely studied the footage say they could hear someone near the camera exclaiming, "Good grief!"

 

Uncontrollable Urge to Attend Outdoor Events Featuring Jazz Trio Most Common Side-Effect of Prescription Drugs Advertised on TV

A recent study reports the most common side effect of prescription drugs advertised on television is users' compulsion to show up at outdoor events at which a smooth jazz trio is playing.

"It was eerie," says Nancy L, who is on medications successfully treating her IBS, "I was out running errands and suddenly I found myself at a garden party with a young woman singer backed up by older guys playing guitar and standup bass. I don't remember how I got there. It was like I'd been hypnotized," adding, "I guess it's a small price to pay but, I really don't like jazz."

The study, conducted by the The Underhill Institute, reviewed hundreds of cases, finding consistently similar incidents, regardless of the drug being taken or whatever condition it was intended to address.

"Doesn't matter what. You take something for it—bam!" says Institute spokesman Dr. Sterling Cooper, "You're outside listening to a smooth jazz ensemble. And one of them's wearing a porkpie hat."

The notable exception, according to the study's findings, is that men using meds for erectile dysfunction are more likely to form or join a rock-and-roll garage band composed of others guys in late middle age.

 

Meanwhile, Hard-Core Folkies Are Still Waiting for His Apology for Going Electric in 1965...

Bob Dylan apologizes for using an autopen device to 'hand-sign' copies of his new book, "A Philosophy of Modern Song," citing a "Bad case of vertigo".

In other news, "A Bad Case of Vertigo" will be the title of his next album.

Trump Worries Putin Still Hasn’t Noticed That “Truth” Social Media Platform Named in Homage to “Pravda”

“Not a word,” whined the former U.S. President about Putin’s lack of acknowledgement, “Not so much as a wink. Does he think it was a coincidence? I mean, whaddaya have to do to please this guy? I’ve tried everything!” 

 

January 6 Insurrection Anniversary Planners Divided Over Whether It Should Be A Reunion Or A Re-enactment

Congressional Investigation Committee Subpeonas Guest List, Invitations, RSVPs.

 

New River Cruise Offers “Authentic Viking Experience” with Vacationers Sacking Coastal Villages and Torching Thatched Roof Cottages

"Pillage Package" includes: room (double occupancy), torch, broadsword, one meal/day, Continental Breakfast, horned helmet, choice of complimentary wine tasting/spa visit. Airfare not included.

 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

NY Times Launches Investigation into Where All These Loathsome People Who Keep Showing up in NY Times Real Estate Articles Come From

“They usually travel in pairs or as the occasional throuple," says John P. Manley, who is leading the Times’ fact-finding probe, “We initially thought they might be figments of the Real Estate section editor's imagination but, no, they're all too real," Manley sighs wearily. "Our research shows that, despite some superficial differences, they all possess seemingly limitless financial resources, impeccable taste in decorators, boundless self-regard and an innate ability to infuriate anyone who reads about them.”

Manley also notes that, “For years, they migrated steadily from Manhattan to Brooklyn in search of Brownstones to renovate. Since the pandemic, however, they’ve headed up into the Hudson Valley in search of charming farmhouses, ideally in the $800k price range on a 2-plus acre lot with a stream running through it and close-but-not-too-close to a village that’s still authentic but also artsy in a shabby chic-funky sort of way, with at least one artisanal restaurant and grocery store,” adding, “How did they know dark blue cabinets and slate flooring would work in that kitchen? God, I hate them so.”

 

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

BBC Nature Series “Blue Balls Planet” Just David Attenborough Narrating 156 Hours of Leftover Wildlife Footage Showcasing Males of Every Species Unsuccessful Attempts at Mating

“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”

 

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Metal Detectors Installed at White House Exits

Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings.

 

400-Year-Old Shark Tells All

A Greenland Shark, estimated to be nearly 400 years old, has been discovered in the Arctic Ocean. Wandering the seven seas since the 1620s, it is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet. We caught up with him recently for an interview (edited for length and content).

Q: What’s it like being 400 years old?

A: Eh, it’s not so bad. Though, sometimes I'll be in the Gulf Stream and forget why I went there. 

Q: We understand you knew Moby Dick. 

A: What a putz.

Q: You didn’t like him?

A: Not as much as his brothers, Moby Tom and Moby Harry. Nobody remembers them but very nice. Not that smart, maybe, but sweethearts, the both of them. As for Dick, after that book, the fame went to his head. Sure, it was a terrible burden, one whale having to be the metaphor for all of nature, and on top of already being albino. That’s a lot of pressure. But, oy, he never stopped talking about it. It was always with the, ‘Hey, I sank a boat’ and ‘I ate Captain Arab…’

Q: Ahab.

A: Whatever. After a while nobody wanted to migrate with him. He sang solo, if you know what I mean.  

Q: I’m not sure that I do but, let’s move on… 

A: Last I heard he got dynamited on a beach in Oregon.

Q: What’s the secret to living so long?

A: Seafood. Fresh seafood. I stay in the colder Scandinavian waters for all the fish — millions of ‘em. That and the socialized medicine. I’m also a para-vegetarian, I eat only fish that eat only plants. Kidding! I’ll eat anything that moves slower than me. But, freshness, the fresher the better, that’s the key. And not getting eaten by whales. 

Q: Whales don’t eat sharks.

A: That’s what they want you to think.

Q: Have you ever eaten a human?

A: I may have taken a nibble here and there back in the day. But as part of a steady diet, no. It’s just not worth it in the end. You folks don’t taste half as good as you think you do. Plus, snack on one surfer and the next thing you know everybody with a boat is chasing you around and you wind up stuffed and mounted on somebody’s wall. 

Q: Do you like being referred to as the “Keith Richards of Sharks”?

A: Keef’s still alive? Wow. Who’d’ve thought. I haven’t really followed the Stones much since “Exile on Main Street,” they really lost me with their detour into disco.

Q: Do you resent being portrayed in popular culture as malevolent killing machines?

A: It’s a little unfair, maybe. I would characterize us as “eating machines” because, yeah, we’re always on the hunt for food, who isn’t? I’m not saying that a very hungry and cranky shark hasn’t occasionally done something a little crazy, maybe but, hey, nobody’s perfect, right? Funny, but we’re only thought of as evil when we eat one of you.  

Q: What do you think of Jaws, Shark Week and Sharknado?

A: “Jaws” I saw as a tragedy; poor bastard shark finds a plentiful feeding area — they were practically throwing themselves at him — and then the food fights back. Worthy of Rod Serling or O. Henry. I could have used some more back-story but maybe that's just me. Shark Week, I gotta admit I just don’t get it; hours of watching someone else eat. What’s that about? “Sharknado”? I couldn’t make it through even the first one. The special effects were just so terrible. 

Q: What are your plans for the future?

A: Well, I really have no concept of time. I swim,  I eat, I swim some more. That’s about it. Life doesn’t have to be all that complicated.

EPA Kicks Off New Round of Deregulation by Reigniting Cuyahoga River

CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cuyahoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation.

“We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s something of a tradition around here, I’m told. Isn’t there’s even a song about it?”

The Cuyahoga River, which was infamously and frequently flammable for much of the 20th century, due to it’s toxically polluted water, has undergone decades of vigorous clean-up and rehabilitation, sparking revived waterfront neighborhoods and active aquatic sports. 

While previous fires were the result of years of neglected maintenance and blatantly illegal dumping, this “controlled burn” was created by towing a barge filled with a combination of crude oil and gasoline into the area known as The Flats and igniting it.

“The gas acts as an accelerant and the crude floats and burns more slowly,” notes Ashall, “It’ll burn itself out in a few days or weeks. Probably,” adding, “Oh, and, sorry about that bridge.”

EPA’s goals this year include rollbacks of fuel economy standards, relaxing of climate warming pollution and ignoring the dumping of toxic chemicals into public waterways.

“The theme is, “Back to the Good Old Days,” enthused Ashall, “We want to make industrial waste a household name again.”

Although one city hall official remembered something about an EPA request for a fireworks permit, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson and Ohio governor Mike DeWine both denied prior knowledge of the event.