Ant Farmer's Almanac

Cage Match on White House Lawn OK with Most Americans So Long as Combatants are Musk and Trump

"If it's televised, the Pay-per-View revenue could wipe out the Deficit," claims C-Span executive.

 

RFK Jr. Tells Senate Subcommittee, "This One Weird Trick Will Make America Healthy Again!"

You'll be shocked or won't believe the simple everyday ingredient he recommends!

 

"Let's Face It, Nobody's Even Gonna Look Twice at a Rich, Short, Bald Guy Marrying a Blow-Up Sex Doll Come to Life in This Town"

After Jeff Bezos' and Lauren Sánchez's lavish wedding plan in Venice, Italy got the kibosh due to locals' protests, The Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas has invited the couple use their hotel as a wedding venue. 

A hotel spokesman emphasizes that, "We've got the tower, a piazza, sort-of a canal, Italian food and six wedding packages ready to go on a moment's notice," adding, "Two of them with a gondola. Yeah, you can get married in a gondola," adding, "Hey, it's Vegas, baby, so you can marry the gondola if you want, although it may not be legally binding outside the city limits."

 

Trump to Gift His Tesla to Qatar

"There was talk about auctioning it off on eBay Motors," said a White House spokesman, "Or saving it for the Trump Presidential Library but, ultimately, we thought getting it to the other side of the world was the best option."

 

Appointing Himself "Curator in Chief", Trump Replaces All National Portrait Gallery Exhibits with Paintings on Velvet of His NFTs

The new exhibit will be on display in galleries labeled, "Hero", "Superhero" and "Savior", and the Museum Store will triple in size, taking over space formerly used for educational and research purposes.

At the press conference announcing the institution's changes held in the gallery's atrium, the new spokesman, who refused to give his name, wore a mask, tactical gear and body armor. He responded belligerently to one reporter's question, "Does the president even know where this place is?" saying, "That's a rude question. How dare you ask that. You're not allowed to ask questions like that!" continuing, "Do you know where it is? Huh? Have you ever been there?" before angrily stalking off.

 

Clarence Thomas Offers Trump His Luxury RV Until Qatari Jet is Ready

"At least while the Court is in session or unless Ginni's using it," clarifies the Justice.

 

Qatari $400 Million Air Force One Will Come With Fully Equipped On-Board McDonald's Franchise

Eric Trump tapped to be in charge of deep fryer and drive-up window.

 

'What's Sauce for the Goose is Sauce for the Gander' No Longer a Thing

"Mixed basting is woke blasphemy," claim gender warriors, crying foul over what they see as a radical, lunatic, feminist liberal agenda and who state emphatically that, "There are two–and only two–very separate genders and we must end unisex seasoning!" insisting that there's a commandment about it in Scripture someplace, "Leviticus, probably."

 

Pope Leo XIV Vows to Bring Church into 18th Century

The Chicago-born pontiff also promises to give the OK to deep-dish pizza at the Vatican but holds the line on banning pineapple as a topping.

 

Trump Denounces Papal Election as "Rigged" and Refuses to Say He'd Accept Results Unless Orange Smoke Rises from Sistine Chimney

In a Rambling Interview, President Trump Insisted That—If It's Not Him—the Next Pope Should at Least be American; "And from the Real America, Not Fake, Like South or Latin."

The president also asserted that, pope or not, he should be granted the power to confer sainthood. "Presidential pardons are terrific, but sainthood? That'd be a beautiful thing, wouldn't it? That could come in very handy", adding, "It would really be in their best interest to let me do that, it'd be such a shame to see the Vatican suddenly get hit with high tariffs on all rosaries, gold crosses and communion wafers coming out of there."

 

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Sudden Appearance of Jefferson Davis Portrait in Oval Office Surprises No One

"It was startled when I first saw it," said a White House staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, "But then I thought, yeah, sure. It was kind of inevitable."

 

Hegseth Opens Bar Tab at Pentagon Commissary

New Secretary of Defense also orders end to "Ladies' Night" and "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy.

 

 

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddests". 

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

At Confirmation Hearings, Hegseth Vows to Rename All US Military Bases for Confederate Heroes, Make all Branches' Dress Uniforms Gray

"Gray was a good enough color for those who patriotically rebelled against this country then and it's good enough for those who defend it now," says potential Secretary of the Department of Defense.

 

"Wait, What? Facebook Had Fact-Checking?!?" Most Common Reaction to Zuckerberg's Announcement that Meta Will No Longer Be Verifying Truthfulness of Posts

"How were we supposed to know that?" say many Facebook and Instagram users, expressing surprise that such a job even existed. "They must be kind of relieved that it's all over," said one respondent, expressing sympathy for those whose job it (allegedly) was to sift through every post on Facebook and Instagram for factual accuracy and verifiable sourcing, "It's like the proverbial worker in the BMW factory who installs the turn signals. Oh, the futility!"