Ant Farmer's Almanac

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

New River Cruise Offers “Authentic Viking Experience” with Vacationers Sacking Coastal Villages and Torching Thatched Roof Cottages

"Pillage Package" includes: room (double occupancy), torch, broadsword, one meal/day, Continental Breakfast, horned helmet, choice of complimentary wine tasting/spa visit. Airfare not included.

 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

NY Times Launches Investigation into Where All These Loathsome People Who Keep Showing up in NY Times Real Estate Articles Come From

“They usually travel in pairs or as the occasional throuple," says John P. Manley, who is leading the Times’ fact-finding probe, “We initially thought they might be figments of the Real Estate section editor's imagination but, no, they're all too real," Manley sighs wearily. "Our research shows that, despite some superficial differences, they all possess seemingly limitless financial resources, impeccable taste in decorators, boundless self-regard and an innate ability to infuriate anyone who reads about them.”

Manley also notes that, “For years, they migrated steadily from Manhattan to Brooklyn in search of Brownstones to renovate. Since the pandemic, however, they’ve headed up into the Hudson Valley in search of charming farmhouses, ideally in the $800k price range on a 2-plus acre lot with a stream running through it and close-but-not-too-close to a village that’s still authentic but also artsy in a shabby chic-funky sort of way, with at least one artisanal restaurant and grocery store,” adding, “How did they know dark blue cabinets and slate flooring would work in that kitchen? God, I hate them so.”

 

BBC Nature Series “Blue Balls Planet” Just David Attenborough Narrating 156 Hours of Leftover Wildlife Footage Showcasing Males of Every Species Unsuccessful Attempts at Mating

“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”

 

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Metal Detectors Installed at White House Exits

Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings.

 

400-Year-Old Shark Tells All

A Greenland Shark, estimated to be nearly 400 years old, has been discovered in the Arctic Ocean. Wandering the seven seas since the 1620s, it is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet. We caught up with him recently for an interview (edited for length and content).

Q: What’s it like being 400 years old?

A: Eh, it’s not so bad. Though, sometimes I'll be in the Gulf Stream and forget why I went there. 

Q: We understand you knew Moby Dick. 

A: What a putz.

Q: You didn’t like him?

A: Not as much as his brothers, Moby Tom and Moby Harry. Nobody remembers them but very nice. Not that smart, maybe, but sweethearts, the both of them. As for Dick, after that book, the fame went to his head. Sure, it was a terrible burden, one whale having to be the metaphor for all of nature, and on top of already being albino. That’s a lot of pressure. But, oy, he never stopped talking about it. It was always with the, ‘Hey, I sank a boat’ and ‘I ate Captain Arab…’

Q: Ahab.

A: Whatever. After a while nobody wanted to migrate with him. He sang solo, if you know what I mean.  

Q: I’m not sure that I do but, let’s move on… 

A: Last I heard he got dynamited on a beach in Oregon.

Q: What’s the secret to living so long?

A: Seafood. Fresh seafood. I stay in the colder Scandinavian waters for all the fish — millions of ‘em. That and the socialized medicine. I’m also a para-vegetarian, I eat only fish that eat only plants. Kidding! I’ll eat anything that moves slower than me. But, freshness, the fresher the better, that’s the key. And not getting eaten by whales. 

Q: Whales don’t eat sharks.

A: That’s what they want you to think.

Q: Have you ever eaten a human?

A: I may have taken a nibble here and there back in the day. But as part of a steady diet, no. It’s just not worth it in the end. You folks don’t taste half as good as you think you do. Plus, snack on one surfer and the next thing you know everybody with a boat is chasing you around and you wind up stuffed and mounted on somebody’s wall. 

Q: Do you like being referred to as the “Keith Richards of Sharks”?

A: Keef’s still alive? Wow. Who’d’ve thought. I haven’t really followed the Stones much since “Exile on Main Street,” they really lost me with their detour into disco.

Q: Do you resent being portrayed in popular culture as malevolent killing machines?

A: It’s a little unfair, maybe. I would characterize us as “eating machines” because, yeah, we’re always on the hunt for food, who isn’t? I’m not saying that a very hungry and cranky shark hasn’t occasionally done something a little crazy, maybe but, hey, nobody’s perfect, right? Funny, but we’re only thought of as evil when we eat one of you.  

Q: What do you think of Jaws, Shark Week and Sharknado?

A: “Jaws” I saw as a tragedy; poor bastard shark finds a plentiful feeding area — they were practically throwing themselves at him — and then the food fights back. Worthy of Rod Serling or O. Henry. I could have used some more back-story but maybe that's just me. Shark Week, I gotta admit I just don’t get it; hours of watching someone else eat. What’s that about? “Sharknado”? I couldn’t make it through even the first one. The special effects were just so terrible. 

Q: What are your plans for the future?

A: Well, I really have no concept of time. I swim,  I eat, I swim some more. That’s about it. Life doesn’t have to be all that complicated.

EPA Kicks Off New Round of Deregulation by Reigniting Cuyahoga River

CLEVELAND (AFA NewsWire) For the first time in more than 50 years, the Cuyahoga River was ablaze again last night in a spectacular display dubbed, “Smoke on the Water” as the “opening ceremony” of the Environmental Protection Agency’s latest round of deregulation.

“We wanted to make a big splash,” said Roy L. Ashall, a Trump-appointed assistant acting deputy to the acting assistant of the acting deputy director of the EPA, “The president likes to put on a good show and we thought this would be a real barn burner… except it’s a river, not a barn,” and, Ashall added, “It’s something of a tradition around here, I’m told. Isn’t there’s even a song about it?”

The Cuyahoga River, which was infamously and frequently flammable for much of the 20th century, due to it’s toxically polluted water, has undergone decades of vigorous clean-up and rehabilitation, sparking revived waterfront neighborhoods and active aquatic sports. 

While previous fires were the result of years of neglected maintenance and blatantly illegal dumping, this “controlled burn” was created by towing a barge filled with a combination of crude oil and gasoline into the area known as The Flats and igniting it.

“The gas acts as an accelerant and the crude floats and burns more slowly,” notes Ashall, “It’ll burn itself out in a few days or weeks. Probably,” adding, “Oh, and, sorry about that bridge.”

EPA’s goals this year include rollbacks of fuel economy standards, relaxing of climate warming pollution and ignoring the dumping of toxic chemicals into public waterways.

“The theme is, “Back to the Good Old Days,” enthused Ashall, “We want to make industrial waste a household name again.”

Although one city hall official remembered something about an EPA request for a fireworks permit, Cleveland mayor Frank G. Jackson and Ohio governor Mike DeWine both denied prior knowledge of the event. 

 

Prince of Whales Found Dead on Oregon Coast

NEWPORT, OREGON (AFA NewsWire) Just days after meeting with President Donald Trump, the Prince of Whales, confidant of Poseiden and Neptune, technical advisor to Jacques Cousteau and bon vivant of the Seven Seas, washed up on the Oregon coastline, just north of the town of Newport.

"A couple walking their dog along Nye Beach had spotted the whale carcass Wednesday morning and called it it," said Deputy Phil Blanc of the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, "It wasn't until we were packing the body with dynamite that we noticed the crown and the monocle."

At that point, a local historians and marine biologist were brought in and they positively identified the remains as being of royal lineage.

An autopsy is currently underway at a nearby aquarium’s marine mammal facility. 

 

Hail Mary, Full of Laces...

Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football.

A regulation NFL Wilson. 

Trump would never question it.

This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing.

Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the laces, someone can go get Kelly or Mattis to come in and taser him.

I'd sleep better at night knowing a plan like this was in place. Hell, I'd sleep better just knowing that Kelly and Mattis were packing tasers.

Nambia Invites Trump To Be Its "President-for-Life"

NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life".

"Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle. 

"Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and are very eager to fill our countryside with very classy golf courses, and shiny hotels, casinos and pipelines."

Mr. Farji also noted that Nambia is not a signatory to any international agreement on any issue, meaning, "Pretty much anything goes."

"We Nambians owe Mr. Trump a deep debt of gratitude. His mentioning us at the United Nations literally put us on the map," said Mr. Faraji, "And we wish to return this favor. What we propose could prove mutually beneficial in the very near future, to Mr. Trump, especially, if Keith Olbermann is to be believed."

"We fervently hope and believe that Mr. Trump's leadership style and international business connections can transform our struggling island/landlocked/coastal country into something like a developing nation, just as he has done with the United States."

 

Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, Auric Goldfinger Deny Meeting with Kushner, Trump Jr.

Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr.

Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'."

Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff.

 

 

Much Covfefe About Nothing

Medusa @ SnakesforHair

Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead

 

Top 10 Commandments of Loyalty to Trump

1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump.

2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself.

3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson.

4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news.

5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 

6) Thou shalt not ask about Russia, inauguration crowd size or popular vote numbers. 

7) Thou shalt not mock, caricature, joke about, deride, jest, ridicule, make sport of, parody, lampoon, disparage, mimic, satirize, scorn, snicker or point and laugh at Trump or anyone in his immedate family, cabinet or inner circle or likewise revel in and enjoy such japery.*

8) If a tree falls in the forest and Trump says it didn't, it didn't. Anybody says it did, fake news.

9) Thou shalt have no loyalty above that to Trump, not to party, constituents, state, the Constitution, country (any country), the truth, or oath of office if thou hast taken one. 

10) When asked to jump, thou shall ask, "How high?"

*Enforcement pending outcome of appeal to U.S. Supreme Court in Trump v. Colbert, CBS, et al.

 

Kickstarter Campaign Raises Enough to Cover Ruth Bader Ginsburg Gym Membership Until the Year 2067

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican and to the world, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

 

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

So Much for Satire...

Well, That Happened...
Let's See What Else I Got Right.

Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.

Groups Donald Trump Hasn't Insulted Yet*

Caped Superheroes

Mongol Hordes

Professional bowlers

The Gambino Family

Chiropodists

Elephant polo players

Visigoths

The Whiffenpoofs

The American Dental Association*

Shriners

Cast of 2 Broke Girls

Falconers

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Ice Road Truckers

Swedenborgians

Heugenots

Cat fanciers*

Cats*

Soccer hooligans

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants*

Emperor Penguins

The Allman Brothers

Maoris

Abonimable Snowmen* (see also, Bigfoot*)

Elvis impersonators

Orcs

The Property Brothers*

Basque Separatists

Leprechauns

Men Who Stare at Goats

The Danish Royal Family*

 

*Seems like an oversight on his part. We probably just missed it somehow.

 

Most Interesting Man on Mars

When Dos Equis beer "retired" the Most Interesting Man in the World with a one-way ticket to Mars, we wondered what he might accomplish on the Red Planet.

Here is our report:

Taught Mars Rover to "Fetch".

Established planet's first newspaper, the "Martian Chronicle".

UFOs headed for Earth now stop to ask him for directions and restaurant recommendations.

Singlehandedly negotiated peace with Venus.

Found the water NASA's been in search of for years and immediately made beer with it.

Convinced Martians to hold off attacking Earth until at least after the elections.

His presence has earned Mars four stars from Zagat's Guide.

Meteors, asteroids and deep space probes passing Mars won't leave the planet's orbit until he has waved at them.

Distant alien civilizations cite him as evidence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

Inspired Matt Damon to "Science the shit out of becoming half that interesting."