Ant Farmer's Almanac

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Sudden Appearance of Jefferson Davis Portrait in Oval Office Surprises No One

"It was startled when I first saw it," said a White House staffer who spoke on condition of anonymity, "But then I thought, yeah, sure. It was kind of inevitable."

 

Hegseth Opens Bar Tab at Pentagon Commissary

New Secretary of Defense also orders end to "Ladies' Night" and "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy.

 

 

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddests". 

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

At Confirmation Hearings, Hegseth Vows to Rename All US Military Bases for Confederate Heroes, Make all Branches' Dress Uniforms Gray

"Gray was a good enough color for those who patriotically rebelled against this country then and it's good enough for those who defend it now," says potential Secretary of the Department of Defense.

 

"Wait, What? Facebook Had Fact-Checking?!?" Most Common Reaction to Zuckerberg's Announcement that Meta Will No Longer Be Verifying Truthfulness of Posts

"How were we supposed to know that?" say many Facebook and Instagram users, expressing surprise that such a job even existed. "They must be kind of relieved that it's all over," said one respondent, expressing sympathy for those whose job it (allegedly) was to sift through every post on Facebook and Instagram for factual accuracy and verifiable sourcing, "It's like the proverbial worker in the BMW factory who installs the turn signals. Oh, the futility!"

 

Musk Offers Every Undocumented Immigrant Currently in America Free Ride Back to Their Country of Origin in Self-Driving Tesla

“Sure, it won’t be cheap,” admits the multi-billionaire, “But, it’s still way less than I spent buying the presidency.”

 

“They’re Angels!" Final Drone Theory Takes Christmas-Themed Turn

"It's not as outrageous an idea as it might sound at first," says Syd Hartha, head of the Theology Department at the Underhill Institute, "Angels aren't just ghosts with wings. Biblical descriptions of angels of the lord manifesting themselves to humans include swirling balls of light, beings with four faces, a head of many eyes and a burning bush, so, some drones? Not really so far off brand."

 

It's a Bird! It's a Plane! It's a Drone! Drones Sighted Over New Jersey are Most Likely Drones, Say Experts

Residents of Grovers Mill insist, "We're not going to worry until they start vaporizing people," adding, "Sometimes a drone is just a drone."

 

"Jeez, What Did We Ever Do to You?!" Greece Reacts to Kimberly Guilfoyle's Appointment as US Ambassador

"What, was Nia Vardalos unavailable?"

Patient Charged for Cost of Instrument Left in Abdomen After Surgery

"It's cheaper than going in again to get it out," explained a spokesman for health care provider Underhill Insurance, regarding the item — a forcep featuring fenestrated jaws, a flat handle with spring action, about 5.25" in length and a satin finish — valued between $75 and $225, depending upon whether it's made from stainless steel or titanium.

"There aren't any really sharp edges so it's probably not going to puncture anything important and," the spokesman continued, "Given this patient's age and medical history, some surgeon is gonna be in there again pretty soon for one thing or another," adding, "In the meantime, we're not signing off on any MRI's for this guy and, this time, it really is in the best interest of the patient."

The company offered no statement indicating whether, when retrieved, the forcep would remain the patient's property, a "Souvenir", according to Underhill, or if its ownership would revert to the medical facility and the charge for it reimbursed.

 

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

Diary Entry From Christopher Columbus's Mother, "If Only He Was the Ship's Doctor," Confirms DNA Evidence That He Was Jewish

Recent DNA testing has shown that Christopher Columbus, rather than being from the Italian city-state of Genoa, was, in fact, a Sephardic Jew, born in Valencia, Spain. 

Further research into his newly recognized origins revealed a diary kept by Columbus's mother, in which she laments her son's sea-faring career choice and his repeatedly "...going off to the ends of the earth and who knows where for years at a time for that shiksa Queen Isabella without sending his own mother so much as a post card."

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.