Ant Farmer's Almanac

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

"It's Just a Coincidence," Insists Group Financing MAGADonald's Bigly Burger Franchise Restaurants So Soon After McDonald's E-Coli Breakout Sinks Stock Price

"Really, this has been in the planning stages for, eh, weeks, yeah, weeks, not just since yesterday afternoon," claimed a spokesman for the collection of investors hoping to get in on the ground floor the the Trump family's latest venture, adding that, "President Trump's recent triumphant making and serving of French fries was fuel for the fire." 

The concept of the plan is for a chain of franchise drive-thru restaurants serving hamburgers and fried chicken. The name of the business has not been finalized but the top contenders are "MAGADonald's" and "Bigly Burger". They would start out with locations within existing Trump properties, including Mar-a-Lago, and expand from there. 

No launch date has been set but leaks from inside the organization indicate that they plan to be up and running so they can cater the inaugural balls in the event of a Trump election victory.

 

Bartenders and Restaurant Servers Brace for Onslaught of Cringy Jokes When Taking Arnold Palmer Drink Orders

Within 24 hours of Donald Trump's televised rant about the famed golfer Arnold Palmer's allegedly oversized manhood, customer wisecracks about the drink and its namesake's enormity were being reported from such national chain restaurants as Applebee's, the Cheesecake Factory and Outback Steakhouse, with more expected to follow.

"Yeah, it's already happening," confirmed Tony Byrne, the waiter at a Sports Bar in Aurora, Ohio, "One guy at the table will order an Arnold Palmer and the others will start in, 'I've already got mine! Ha, ha, ha!' Or, 'You sure you can handle that!' I mean, jeez, I hafta just stand there and smile like it's hilarious and I've never heard that one before," he sighed wearily, adding. "I feel especially bad for servers at golf courses' 19th Hole-themed bars," said Tony, shaking his head in sympathy, "Those poor bastards are really in for it."

Rumors that the seafood chain, Long John Silvers would be offering the drink in a novelty oversized glass could not be confirmed at press time.

 

Diary Entry From Christopher Columbus's Mother, "If Only He Was the Ship's Doctor," Confirms DNA Evidence That He Was Jewish

Recent DNA testing has shown that Christopher Columbus, rather than being from the Italian city-state of Genoa, was, in fact, a Sephardic Jew, born in Valencia, Spain. 

Further research into his newly recognized origins revealed a diary kept by Columbus's mother, in which she laments her son's sea-faring career choice and his repeatedly "...going off to the ends of the earth and who knows where for years at a time for that shiksa Queen Isabella without sending his own mother so much as a post card."

 

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Boeing Execs Blame Wives for Parts Falling off Planes

In related news, Santa has pointed the finger at Mrs. Claus for your not getting what you wanted last Christmas.

 

MAGA Optometrists Denounce Transition and Progressive Lenses

Group denies affiliation with bifocal and sunglass industry.

 

Ronna McDaniels' Brief Tenure at NBC Dubbed a "Half-Scaramucci"

Former Republican National Committee chair McDaniels' five days in the employ of NBC beats the land speed record previously held by Trump Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, whose ten days on the job was considered the gold standard for high-speed, high-profile Hirer's Remorse.

 

Sir, He Says, There’s Just One More Thing…

“So, this guy comes up to me, Sir, he says—little guy, swarthy guy, kind of rumpled, and when I say rumpled I mean rumpled. All over; his raincoat, his hair, his face, even. Rumpled, all of it. Even his car is rumpled, some kind of weird dumpy foreign thing… Sir, he says, Sir, sorry to bother you again, because he’s been hanging around lately, asking a lot of questions, poking into things and talking to everybody I know about this and that and everything. And he’s got this one eye that kind of wanders, a wandering eye and it’s like, you don’t know which eye is looking at you and which one to look into when he’s talking. I mean, the whole time he’s telling me, Sir, my wife is such a big fan, huge fan, terrific fan, all I can think about is that weird and creepy eye. And his cigar. It’s unlit but about half-smoked—like it went out and he hasn’t got around to relighting it or he’s out of matches, can’t afford a lighter, I dunno. But once you notice it, it’s like with the eye, you can’t not pay attention to it. Sir, he says, with all the waving around his cigar with no smoke and the wandering eye and, Sir, he says, sorry to bother you again—and that’s when I notice there’s cops and FBI and US Marshals all around me with their guns drawn and my secret service detail is backing away with their hands up—Sir he says, there’s just one more thing…”

 

 

"He's Speaking in Tongues!" Declare Evangelicals Attempting to Explain Trump's Most Recent Incoherent, Slurred and Rambling Speeches

As scholars at several noted Christian Universities were frantically trying to decipher the meaning of the former president's vocalizations, many of his fervent followers hope that while possessed by the spirit at his next rally Mr. Trump will also handle live venomous snakes.

 

NORAD's Santa Tracker to Follow Taylor Swift's Flight from Tokyo to Super Bowl

"I mean, what the hell," said a spokesman for the North American Aerospace Defense Command, "It's all still plugged in from last Christmas."

 

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

DeSantis Vows to Put Florida-Bound Saharan Dust Storm on a Bus to New York City

"As soon as this Arabian abomination hits our shores," stated a spokesman for Florida governor and 2024 presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis, "We'll gather that sucker up and send it up to New York City and see how they like it... heck, they'll probably give it tickets to The Lion King and let it register to vote!"

 

 

Every Pubic Defender in Miami-Dade County Calls in Sick to Avoid Chance of Becoming Trump's Court-Appointed Defense Counsel

"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this."

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

Joe Alwyn Eagerly Awaiting Taylor Swift's Next Album to Find Out Why She Broke Up With Him

"I'm just hoping it isn't a double album," says Alwyn, "We were together for six years so, she's got a ton of material."

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Visitor Who Accidentally Knocked Over Jeff Koons Sculpture of Balloon Animal Favored to Win Pulitzer Prize for Art Criticism

Shattering into hundreds of pieces when it hit the floor, the porcelain statue -- one of 799 made -- was of a blue dog balloon and valued at $42,000. 

Along with the Pulitzer nomination, the MacArthur Foundation is said to be considering awarding a "Genius Grant" to the still anonymous gallery visitor, noting, "Hey, not all genius is intentional."

 

Beagle Flying a Doghouse Spotted in Video of Chinese Spy Balloon Being Shot Down

Pentagon officials will neither confirm or deny the presence of a cartoon dog in WWI flying ace gear in the vicinity during the airstrike that shot down the Chinese surveillance balloon.

The animal in question was piloting a red doghouse that had no wings, visible means of propulsion or aerodynamic features whatsoever.

Anonymous sources who have closely studied the footage say they could hear someone near the camera exclaiming, "Good grief!"

 

Uncontrollable Urge to Attend Outdoor Events Featuring Jazz Trio Most Common Side-Effect of Prescription Drugs Advertised on TV

A recent study reports the most common side effect of prescription drugs advertised on television is users' compulsion to show up at outdoor events at which a smooth jazz trio is playing.

"It was eerie," says Nancy L, who is on medications successfully treating her IBS, "I was out running errands and suddenly I found myself at a garden party with a young woman singer backed up by older guys playing guitar and standup bass. I don't remember how I got there. It was like I'd been hypnotized," adding, "I guess it's a small price to pay but, I really don't like jazz."

The study, conducted by the The Underhill Institute, reviewed hundreds of cases, finding consistently similar incidents, regardless of the drug being taken or whatever condition it was intended to address.

"Doesn't matter what. You take something for it—bam!" says Institute spokesman Dr. Sterling Cooper, "You're outside listening to a smooth jazz ensemble. And one of them's wearing a porkpie hat."

The notable exception, according to the study's findings, is that men using meds for erectile dysfunction are more likely to form or join a rock-and-roll garage band composed of others guys in late middle age.