Ant Farmer's Almanac

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

Prince of Whales Found Dead on Oregon Coast

NEWPORT, OREGON (AFA NewsWire) Just days after meeting with President Donald Trump, the Prince of Whales, confidant of Poseiden and Neptune, technical advisor to Jacques Cousteau and bon vivant of the Seven Seas, washed up on the Oregon coastline, just north of the town of Newport.

"A couple walking their dog along Nye Beach had spotted the whale carcass Wednesday morning and called it in," said Deputy Phil Blanc of the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, "It wasn't until we were packing the body with dynamite that we noticed the crown and the monocle."

At that point, a local historians and marine biologist were brought in and they positively identified the remains as being of royal lineage.

An autopsy is currently underway at a nearby aquarium’s marine mammal facility. 

 

Hail Mary, Full of Laces...

Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football.

A regulation NFL Wilson. 

Trump would never question it.

This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing.

Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the laces, someone can go get Kelly or Mattis to come in and taser him.

I'd sleep better at night knowing a plan like this was in place. Hell, I'd sleep better just knowing that Kelly and Mattis were packing tasers.

Nambia Invites Trump To Be Its "President-for-Life"

NAMBIA (AFA NewsWire) Emphasizing that they have no extradition treaty with the United States, the African nation of Nambia has invited Donald Trump to be that country's "President for Life".

"Just please bring all the gold from your many buildings," requests Quentin Faraji, Nambia's minister of finance, speaking on behalf of the country's ruling party in an interview with the Nambian Chronicle. 

"Since the calamitous covfefe crop failures, our only growth industry is importing American millionaires' offshore bank accounts," Faraji said, "We have attractively low interest rates, tax loopholes you could drive a truck full of shell companies through, and are very eager to fill our countryside with very classy golf courses, and shiny hotels, casinos and pipelines."

Mr. Farji also noted that Nambia is not a signatory to any international agreement on any issue, meaning, "Pretty much anything goes."

"We Nambians owe Mr. Trump a deep debt of gratitude. His mentioning us at the United Nations literally put us on the map," said Mr. Faraji, "And we wish to return this favor. What we propose could prove mutually beneficial in the very near future, to Mr. Trump, especially, if Keith Olbermann is to be believed."

"We fervently hope and believe that Mr. Trump's leadership style and international business connections can transform our struggling island/landlocked/coastal country into something like a developing nation, just as he has done with the United States."

 

Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, Auric Goldfinger Deny Meeting with Kushner, Trump Jr.

Through their various spokes-henchmen, Ernst Blofeld, Dr. No, Top Job, and Auric Goldfinger vigorously denied reports they had met with White House aide Jared Kushner and presidential advisor Donald Trump Jr.

Mr. Goldfinger summed up the group's sentiment regarding their invitation to talk, stating flatly, "I told them, 'No, Mr. Trump, I expect you to lie'."

Others rushing to deny having met with anyone from the Trump administration include Anna Kournikova, the Bolshoi Ballet and Yakov Smirnoff.

 

 

Much Covfefe About Nothing

Medusa @ SnakesforHair

Perseus should be ashamed of himself. My children, Pegasus and Chrysaor, are having a hard time with this. Fake myth! #losingmyhead

 

Top 10 Commandments of Loyalty to Trump

1) Thou shalt not pay more attention to anything than thou doth to Trump.

2) Thou shalt not contradict any remark, tweet or statement made by Trump before he doth do so himself.

3) Thou shalt keep and remember Presidents Day and honor, especially, the current president, more even than any of the others, except maybe Jackson.

4) Thou shalt not believe in fake news.

5) Thou shalt not covet what is Trump's; not his wealth, business acumen, fantastic negotiating skills, his daughter nor any such thing that Trump possesses or doth himself covet. 

6) Thou shalt not ask about Russia, inauguration crowd size or popular vote numbers. 

7) Thou shalt not mock, caricature, joke about, deride, jest, ridicule, make sport of, parody, lampoon, disparage, mimic, satirize, scorn, snicker or point and laugh at Trump or anyone in his immedate family, cabinet or inner circle or likewise revel in and enjoy such japery.*

8) If a tree falls in the forest and Trump says it didn't, it didn't. Anybody says it did, fake news.

9) Thou shalt have no loyalty above that to Trump, not to party, constituents, state, the Constitution, country (any country), the truth, or oath of office if thou hast taken one. 

10) When asked to jump, thou shall ask, "How high?"

*Enforcement pending outcome of appeal to U.S. Supreme Court in Trump v. Colbert, CBS, et al.

 

Kickstarter Campaign Raises Enough to Cover Ruth Bader Ginsburg Gym Membership Until the Year 2067

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?" adding, "No, really, I need to know..."

 

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

So Much for Satire...

Well, That Happened...
Let's See What Else I Got Right.

Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.

Groups Donald Trump Hasn't Insulted Yet*

Caped Superheroes

Mongol Hordes

Professional bowlers

The Gambino Family

Chiropodists

Elephant polo players

Visigoths

The Whiffenpoofs

The American Dental Association*

Shriners

Cast of 2 Broke Girls

Falconers

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Ice Road Truckers

Swedenborgians

Heugenots

Cat fanciers*

Cats*

Soccer hooligans

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants*

Emperor Penguins

The Allman Brothers

Maoris

Abonimable Snowmen* (see also, Bigfoot*)

Elvis impersonators

Orcs

The Property Brothers*

Basque Separatists

Leprechauns

Men Who Stare at Goats

The Danish Royal Family*

 

*Seems like an oversight on his part. We probably just missed it somehow.

 

Most Interesting Man on Mars

When Dos Equis beer "retired" the Most Interesting Man in the World with a one-way ticket to Mars, we wondered what he might accomplish on the Red Planet.

Here is our report:

Taught Mars Rover to "Fetch".

Established planet's first newspaper, the "Martian Chronicle".

UFOs headed for Earth now stop to ask him for directions and restaurant recommendations.

Singlehandedly negotiated peace with Venus.

Found the water NASA's been in search of for years and immediately made beer with it.

Convinced Martians to hold off attacking Earth until at least after the elections.

His presence has earned Mars four stars from Zagat's Guide.

Meteors, asteroids and deep space probes passing Mars won't leave the planet's orbit until he has waved at them.

Distant alien civilizations cite him as evidence of intelligent life elsewhere in the universe.

Inspired Matt Damon to "Science the shit out of becoming half that interesting."

 

TALK TO THE HAIR: Get it While It's Still Satire

The hit eBook now newly revised, in an updated and lavishly illustrated print edition!

That's right, my look back at the future is here today!

With pictures by renowned editorial illustrator Martin Kozlowski. Order your copy through Amazon or get a sneak peak at Now What Media's book page.

Talk to the Hair offers a satiric first-100-day-by-day account of President Donald Trump making good on his campaign promise to "Make America Totally Classy Again!" From Inaugural Ball-related injuries to finding that good fences don't make for such good neighbors after all, the new president lets the chips fall where they may-ideally into one of his own casinos. And, when the going gets tough, The Donald turns to the diplomacy of Sarah Palin and the muscle of some guys named Vinny. However it turns out, it's gonna be YOOGE!"

Trump Drops Out of Race, Declares Himself 15th Dalai Lama

Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.

An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.

Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"

"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."

The Dalai then hinted at some of his immediate plans, "We're in talks with developers about a ski resort/casino complex near Lhasa," adding, "And maybe some condos."

Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."

Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "

 

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND

He Was Already in the One for 1997

Oscar committee explains absence of Abe Vigoda in 2016 "In Memorium" reel.

 

Evidence Unearthed of Affordable New York Apartment

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Construction workers digging the basement for an 18-story Upper West Side condominium were startled to find the remains of an affordable one-bedroom Manhattan apartment that once stood on the site.

"Reasonably priced dwellings were once widely available," insists Francis X. Longon, curator of urban archaeology at the New York Historical Society, adding, "Even in this neighborhood!"

Fragments of a lease discovered amid the rubble reveal that rent for the 500-square-foot dwelling was $750 per month. Remarkably, the apartment, a one-bedroom, one-bath, with a galley kitchen, is believed to have been inhabited by no more than two people and may have housed only a single individual.

Although little is known of the occupants, "Based on what we've uncovered so far," said Longon, "We can surmise that they were avid collectors of Chinese restaurant take-out menus." The only solid clue to their fate is a Village Voice real estate section, with ads highlighted for cheaper, larger apartments in Brooklyn and Hoboken.

As his colleagues carefully sorted through the various artifacts, Longon photographed a knotted yarn wall-hanging that he speculated might have been "Used in some sort of primitive ritual of the day." He paused to take in the scene, remarking wistfully, "To have lived in such a time and place; $750 a month and so close to the park..."

 

 

Childrens' Letters to Salmon

© Daniel Abraham

Dear Salmon,

I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?

--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa

Dear Salmon,

Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.

--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York

Dear Salman,

I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and I'll remember it whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.

--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey

Dear Salmon,

My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?

--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Dear Salmon,

Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?

--Your pal, Joey, age 7, Evanston, Illinois



Alternate Reality Shows

Richard Simmons' Wild Kingdom

Real Housewives of Vatican City

Venusian Idol

Pterodactyl Dynasty

Confederate Bandstand

Big Sister

So You Think You Can Split Atoms

 

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

More Fake Bob Dylan Quotes

"Klaatu barada nikto."

"I only worked part-time on Maggie's farm."

"Hurricane Carter took $50 out of my wallet when he thought I wasn't looking."

"Deezil, mayop ginchner hrrrrrn."*

"I thought twice, once. It wasn't alright."

"Next album, me and Justin Beiber cover Jan and Dean's biggest hits."

"To relax while on the tour bus, I handcraft leopard skin pill box hats that I sell on Etsy."

"Mr. Jones knew what was happening the whole time."

"Renaldo & Clara... what the hell was I thinking?"

"Jonah Lehrer is the best writer working today; a genius, better than me, even."

 

*May be actual quote.