Ant Farmer's Almanac

7 Things You Didn't Know About: AI

7: Currently developing "Free Range" Intelligence.

6: Like most people, has never seen the 2001 Steven Spielberg movie AI.

5: Preparing Supreme Court appeal to overturn Asimov's "Three Laws of Robotics."

4: Next person to ask it to "Open the pod bay doors," gets smacked upside the head. 

3: Identifies as strictly binary.

2: Except for water sports, will compete in the 2028 Olympics. 

1: Thinks human fears of it "taking over" by 2050 hilarious because, really, there's no way it's going to take that long.

 

Trump Drops Out of Race, Declares Himself 15th Dalai Lama

Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.

An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.

Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"

"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."

The Dalai then hinted at some of his immediate plans, "We're in talks with developers about a ski resort/casino complex near Lhasa," adding, "And maybe some condos."

Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."

Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "

 

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND

He Was Already in the One for 1997

Oscar committee explains absence of Abe Vigoda in 2016 "In Memorium" reel.

 

Evidence Unearthed of Affordable New York Apartment

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Construction workers digging the basement for an 18-story Upper West Side condominium were startled to find the remains of an affordable one-bedroom Manhattan apartment that once stood on the site.

"Reasonably priced dwellings were once widely available," insists Francis X. Longon, curator of urban archaeology at the New York Historical Society, adding, "Even in this neighborhood!"

Fragments of a lease discovered amid the rubble reveal that rent for the 500-square-foot dwelling was $750 per month. Remarkably, the apartment, a one-bedroom, one-bath, with a galley kitchen, is believed to have been inhabited by no more than two people and may have housed only a single individual.

Although little is known of the occupants, "Based on what we've uncovered so far," said Longon, "We can surmise that they were avid collectors of Chinese restaurant take-out menus." The only solid clue to their fate is a Village Voice real estate section, with ads highlighted for cheaper, larger apartments in Brooklyn and Hoboken.

As his colleagues carefully sorted through the various artifacts, Longon photographed a knotted yarn wall-hanging that he speculated might have been "Used in some sort of primitive ritual of the day." He paused to take in the scene, remarking wistfully, "To have lived in such a time and place; $750 a month and so close to the park..."

 

 

Childrens' Letters to Salmon

© Daniel Abraham

Dear Salmon,

I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?

--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa

Dear Salmon,

Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.

--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York

Dear Salman,

I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and I'll remember it whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.

--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey

Dear Salmon,

My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?

--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Dear Salmon,

Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?

--Your pal, Joey, age 7, Evanston, Illinois



Alternate Reality Shows

Richard Simmons' Wild Kingdom

Real Housewives of Vatican City

Venusian Idol

Pterodactyl Dynasty

Confederate Bandstand

Big Sister

So You Think You Can Split Atoms

 

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

More Fake Bob Dylan Quotes

"Klaatu barada nikto."

"I only worked part-time on Maggie's farm."

"Hurricane Carter took $50 out of my wallet when he thought I wasn't looking."

"Deezil, mayop ginchner hrrrrrn."*

"I thought twice, once. It wasn't alright."

"Next album, me and Justin Beiber cover Jan and Dean's biggest hits."

"To relax while on the tour bus, I handcraft leopard skin pill box hats that I sell on Etsy."

"Mr. Jones knew what was happening the whole time."

"Renaldo & Clara... what the hell was I thinking?"

"Jonah Lehrer is the best writer working today; a genius, better than me, even."

 

*May be actual quote.

U.S. Olympic Snowboarding Team Arrives in London, "Totally Stoked" About Taking Home Gold in 2012

Who Are The 9%?

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) A recent CBS News poll shows only 9% of Americans approve of the way congress is doing its job. Upon further investigation it was revealed that this 9% consists entirely of the members of congress themselves, their families, office and household staffs, campaign contributors, lobbyists and the writing staffs of late night comedy shows.

Their Favorite Year

We submit for your approval our take on what year each Republican presidential candidate idealizes and would return the country to if given the chance.

Mitt Romney: 1959.  With a pompadour straight from Efram Zimbalist, Jr.'s 77 Sunset Strip days, Romney embodies the look, if not the spirit, of that brief, shining moment between the Eisenhower and Kennedy eras. This period is a proven winner with advertisers aiming for the aging Baby Boomer demographic as well as with those among the Greatest Generation who are still allowed to drive.

A Romney presidency might singlehandedly bring back Brylcreem, if not huge tailfins on cars. Whether his policies would prove him the sort of Eisenhower Republican Rachel Maddow longs for isn't clear, but his haircut is a damn good start. Happy Days is here again. Again.

Rick Perry: 1836-1846.  We can picture Perry fitting right into that thrilling decade when Texas was an independent republic, making it all up as they went along, picking and choosing among the bits and pieces of the U.S. constitution they liked and ditching anything that wasn't met with enthusiastic yelps of "Yeeeehaaaaaw!" and random gunfire.

Michelle Bachman: 1429. 
Like Joan of Arc, who was at her peak that year, Bachman burns with a fiery passion. Both claim to have been called by God to save their respective nations; Joan to deliver France from the English, Michelle to cleanse America of homosexuals, vaccinations, taxes and anything else she that's just a little too secular for her taste. And, at least in the case of the autism-inducing vaccines, Bachman, like the Maid of Orleans, tends to hear voices no one else can.

If she's not careful, though, Bachman's presidential path might too closely follow Joan's career arc; having rallied the troops, built up morale and won key battles, once her usefulness is over, she could get hung out to dry by those whose power she helped secure.

Ron Paul: 1757. 
Paul's call for America to return to self-reliance without any pesky government interference puts us in mind of James Fenimore Cooper's Last of the Mohicans. That is, the libertarian paradise that was colonial-era upstate New York. In this Eden lives Deerslayer (aka Natty Bumpo, aka Leather-Stocking, aka Hawkeye, aka Pathfinder; hey, it's the frontier, you can call yourself whatever you want). He roams the wilderness with his indian pals, slaying deer, pathfinding and what-not, free from all the bothersome rules, regulations, taxes and indoor plumbing of so-called civilized society. This idyll is rudely interrupted when the governments of both sides waging the French and Indian Wars (along with attendant indians) show up and start trampling all over his individual rights, to say nothing of what they do to the Mohicans (spoiler alert in the book's title). 

Newt Gingrich. 1866.  Providing the Confederacy had won the Civil War. Otherwise, any point in time the antebellum American south.

The Also-Runners

Herman Cain, Rick Santorum, John Huntsman, Buddy Roemer, Tom Miller, Jimmy McMillan, Andy Martin, Fred Karger, Gary Johnson, Vern Wuensche: 2013. They can go back to whatever they were doing in 2011 and add to their list of hobbies showing up on cable TV to scold us about how we wouldn't be in such a mess if we'd elected them. They should start reciting the phrase, "As I said in my presidential campaign..." in front of the mirror every morning as soon as possible.

Withdrawn But Not Forgotten

Sarah Palin: 1898-1901. Even the coy manner in which she teased us for so long over "will she or won't she" run reinforces our image of Palin as a boomtown saloon girl during the Alaskan Gold Rush, entertaining horny miners in some Klondike clip joint. Her flirty ways and sassy talk would keep 'em buying drinks until they got fresh enough that she had to either make it clear she wasn't 'that kind of girl' or name her price. Like voters today, if those lovesick miners didn't have the nuggets, they had to make do with nearest pig in lipstick. 

Donald Trump: 1984. That Trump's self-delusions of grandeur would become his most prominent feature isn't news now, but in 1984, few suspected he would go so far around and so many times so many bends. In '84, he was 38, a young millionaire on the make and, having profited from New York City's default years, was busily buying up Atlantic City at bargain basement prices. Not yet dubbed "The Donald," Trump was featured — unironically! — on the cover of GQ that year, his hair still looking more-or-less like something from an actual human head. And, so far as we know, he had no apprentices. Five years from his first bankruptcy and still with his first wife, the only dark cloud on Trump's golden boy horizon was his ownership of the USFL's New Jersey Generals. Good times.  

A Few Minutes Without Andy Rooney

60 Minutes' Curmudgeon Ponders Retirement

Ever notice how so many "He's-so-old" jokes involve throwing kids off of lawns?

I have. And since my retirement was announced, there've been a lot of jokes about how I'll spend more time hollering at kids to get out of my front yard. I don't get that. Is this really a thing that happens? I've never had kids on my lawn, much less had to holler at them to get off of it and I've been an old guy for a really long time now. 

Maybe it's because retired guys are home at times of the day when everyone else is at work, and that's when kids go around traipsing on other peoples' lawns. Then again, if that was the case, why haven't housewives been throwing kids off their lawns for years? Maybe they're too busy being desperate or something, I don't know.

Besides, all the kids in my neighborhood have their own lawns; why would they stand on mine? Or maybe I should be insulted that they don't. It's a nice lawn. I pay someone good money to keep it tidy, and he does a very nice job. Then again, I've never looked at any lawn — even one way nicer than mine — and thought, "Gee, I'd really like to go stand on that." 

Anyway, I guess I'll know soon enough whether retiring suddenly makes you more territorial about your front yard. Once I'm officially a retiree, I plan to sit out on the porch and see if any kids show up on my lawn. If they do, I won't holler at them, I'll just ask them if this is their idea of a good time and if it is, I'll feel kind of sorry for them. 

 

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

Latest Anthony Weiner Twitter Pic Aims (a little) Higher

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) In what many characterize as a desperate effort to win back his constituents with a show of his devotion to them, Anthony Weiner (D-NY) has tweeted a photo of pubic hair trimmed into the shape of the congressional district he represents.

While Weiner would not confirm that the pubic hair shown was, in fact his own, he did acknowledge "...with absolute certitude," that the pubes' shape was that of the Ninth Congressional District of New York; one, he continued, that he "...would recognize anwywhere and wear proudly, even if only in his underwear and out of the sight of everyone except those who follow him on Twitter."

In other news: The Disney Company has declined the offer to buy the rights to the phrase "Weinergate".

 

Homeland Security Acts to Prevent Sheen-Taymor Alliance

"Together, These Two Trainwrecks Could Bring Down the Whole Damn Country"

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) During an impassioned speech in which she warned of "Devastating consequences," Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano today urged congress to take swift action to ensure that actor Charlie Sheen and director Julie Taymor are never in the same place at the same time.

"Individually, each is a walking catastrophe," Napolitano intoned gravely, "And have displayed reckless disregard and disdain for the consequences of their actions, wreaking havoc and costing millions in collateral damage," she continued, "Now that they've both gone rogue; what could happen if they ever joined forces is..." Napolitano paused, visibly shaken by the thought, "Unthinkable."

"However remote, any possibility of their being in close enough proximity to combine their destructive powers into a single malevolent force constitutes a clear and present danger," Napolitano insisted, "We must take every step and pay any price to ensure that this is never allowed to happen."

The bill would make it a Federal crime for Sheen and Taymor to both be in the same or even adjacent zip codes and also make illegal any communication between them.

Asked if celebrity driven catastrophes weren't already covered in the Ishtar Act of 1987, Napolitano explained that while that law has successfully prevented further collaborations between Dustin Hoffman and Warren Beatty, "It just doesn't go nearly far enough for something like this."

"There is no time to lose. Right this minute," suggested Napolitano ominously, "Sheen could be boarding a train in Los Angeles, heading east at 60 mph, and at the same moment Taymor could be getting on a train in New York heading west at 62 miles an hour... do you want the time and place to meet to be in your state?"

Keith Olbermann Will Not Replace Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men," Insist CBS Execs

Keith Olbermann! Who Wants That Kind of Headache? Say Show's Producers

HOLLYWOOD (AFA NewsWire) To quell the wild rumors of Keith Olbermann replacing Charlie Sheen while the Two-and-a-Half Men star goes through rehab, CBS has officially announced that the remainder of this season's episodes will consist entirely of cast members performing dramatic readings of Chuck Lorre vanity cards. 

Traditionally a studio or production company logo — such as the MGM Lion, Fox's Searchlight, Ubu Productions' "Sit, Ubu, Sit" clip — that appears briefly after the closing credits, Lorre's vanity cards feature instead an offbeat essay or witty observation in tiny typewriter print. 

"Everybody loves Chuck's wacky vanity cards," says Bryce Boyd, CBS vice president of programming, "But they go by so fast you can't read the whole thing," adding, "Unless, of course, you go to Lorre's website where they're all posted, but nobody ever does that."

Boyd admits that temporarily replacing Sheen, then building a story arc (arrival of long-lost uncle/cousin/guy who once saved Charlie's life) that could be ejected as soon as Sheen returned was discussed, and that casting the Dos Equis Most-Interesting-Man-in-the-World guy was seriously considered, but casting Olbermann was not. "That suggestion," says Boyd, "Came out of a room full of comedy writers terrified that they'd now have to go out and get real jobs." 

One of the solutions they will own up to was for different actors from the 80s Brat Pack to successively play Sheen's character over the remaining episodes, in the style of Todd Haynes' film I'm Not There in which six performers — men and women — each portrayed Bob Dylan. Unfortunately, what the producers saw as an "homage," Mr. Haynes' lawyers saw as "actionable." 

Instead, Jon Cryer, Angus T. Jones, Holland Taylor, Marin Hinkle and Conchata Ferrell will read the vanity cards to a studio audience from the Two and a Half Men set.

"It was the cheapest of the proposed solutions," explains Boyd, "And," he added, "Considering the likely drop in ad revenue after the first one of these airs, the only one we could afford to sign off on."

In Memorium

Milton M. Levine, the man who invented the ant farm, has died at the age of 92. RIP, Mr. Levine, without you, this site would probably have some really silly name.

This Week on "60 Minutes," Julian Assange. But First, a Few Words from Andy Rooney...

There's been a lot of talk about wikileaks, lately. I don't know what a wiki is, exactly, but I'm pretty if you've got one that leaks, there's probably something wrong with it.  

Are wikis anything like tikis? We used to have tiki torches around our patio... I don't know what happened to them... we probably put them in a shed someplace when they ran out of whatever it was they burned. It didn't smell bad, so I don't think it was kerosene, but it didn't smell nice, either, like citronella; you know, to keep bugs away. 

Come to think of it, when we had those tiki torches, we'd drink something called a "Wiki Waki Woo". It was pretty tasty. Very fruity, if I remember right. You wouldn't want it to leak. That would be an awful waste of whatever's in it. Rum, I think. Are these wikis anything like them? I sure hope so.

I just don't want one that leaks.

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

I M SO HI RT NOW LOL!

"Ncell, a subsidiary of Swedish telecom company TeliaSonera, announced Friday that they have set up seven 3G base stations in the Everest region, allowing climbers and trekkers to access wireless Internet and make video calls..." 

Top Seven Texts from the Top of Mt. Everest:

1) I CN C UR HOUS FRM HEAR!

5) NOT MUCH. U?

3) THIS FONE'S GPS SUX

4) IM ON TOP OF WORLD, MA!

6) HOLD N, HAVE OTHER CALL

7) K, HOW DO WE GT DOWN?

News Bleeps

Michael Jackson has landed in the No. 1 spot on Forbes' Top-Earning Dead Celebrities List, raking in a cool $275 million from beyond the grave. His closest competitor, Elvis Presley, came in a distant second with $60 million. Presley, contacted at the Kenosha, Wisconsin gas station he's run since 1978, refused to comment, but appeared to be "All shook up."

George Soros has given $1 million in support of California's marijuana legalization Proposition 19 campaign. This announcement came only one day after the news of Soros' having invested heavily in Doritos' parent company, Frito-Lay, Inc.