Ant Farmer's Almanac

Pontificating Pundits Predict Perennially Perilous Path for Present Prez

News gnomes note gnarly, knotted network of neverending nuisance and interruption.  

 

Nike Knock-Off Introduces "Gym Jordan's" Footwear with Banana Peels Attached to Each Sole

"For the deluxe edition, we're adding a chip that will play a slide-whistle sound effect whenever it detects that one or both shoes are higher than the wearer's buttocks, indicating they've fallen on their ass," said a spokesperson regarding the first release of the company's new "Gym's Shoes" line, "We briefly considered a shoe that lead the wearer to step on the nearest rake but, decided anyone buying these could manage that on their own."

 

DeSantis Vows to Put Florida-Bound Saharan Dust Storm on a Bus to New York City

"As soon as this Arabian abomination hits our shores," stated a spokesman for Florida governor and 2024 presidential hopeful Ron DeSantis, "We'll gather that sucker up and send it up to New York City and see how they like it... heck, they'll probably give it tickets to The Lion King and let it register to vote!"

 

 

Every Pubic Defender in Miami-Dade County Calls in Sick to Avoid Chance of Becoming Trump's Court-Appointed Defense Counsel

"No way," said one, interviewed from home, "I'm not gonna risk getting anywhere near this."

 

Mike Lindell and Trump Organization Introduce MyBoxes®

"Everybody's got secrets -- whether your own or someone else's -- and you need someplace to hide them" reads the ad copy, “You don't have to be under investigation to need MyBoxes®! Whatever you're hiding, whomever you're hiding it from and wherever you're hiding it, MyBoxes® will get the job done -- and done right! Store rooms, bedrooms, ballrooms, bathrooms, even in the shower,* MyBoxes® will never let you down, unlike some pussy-assed lawyers who bail on you the minute you get indicted and who you were never gonna pay anyway so, fuck those guys... But wait!" the ad continues, "MyBoxes® brand bankers boxes are also incredibly easy to move -- even your scrawniest flunky could do it! Keep your secrets secret! Order TODAY!"

*MyBoxes® stored in rooms adjacent to salt water pools not covered by warranty.

 

George Santos Enters Plea of "NOT Guilty, Yeah, THAT'S the Ticket..."

Indicted congressman tells reporters outside courthouse that he wasn't just inside the courthouse, had not been indicted, had won his case, and that the fire alarm in the courtroom he wasn't in wasn't set off by his flaming pants and those weren't even his pants.

 

Jordan Klepper to Conduct First Post Fox-Firing of Tucker Carlson

The Daily Show correspondent's many years covering MAGA hardliners, white supremacists and Neo nazis makes him uniquely qualified to keep a straight face and continue asking questions despite responses of utter nonsense, rank stupidity and pure evil. "It'll be a challenge with Tucker," admits Klepper, "I've been training for this for a long time," adding, "Not that I'm particularly looking forward to it."

 

Zelenskyy Denies Xi Asked for Dirt on Hunter Biden During Phone Call

Ukranian president Volodymyr Zelenskyy insists that at no point in his historic phone call with Xi Jinping did the Chinese president ask for compromising or embarrassing intel on U.S. president Joe Biden's son, Hunter, "Unless maybe his inquiries about laptop repair shops in Kyiv was supposed to be a hint at something." 

 

 

"I Expect to be Arrested Tuesday" Something Trump's Been Saying Since 1980s

"Nobody knows why it's always a Tuesday," a source close to the Trump organization confirms, adding, "It just is."

 

 

Toxic Dirt From East Palestine, Ohio Rail Disaster Being Sent to Martha’s Vineyard

"They liked their illegal aliens from Texas so much, let's see how they like this!" said the anonymous spokesman for an unnamed conspiracy theory lobbying group, adding, "How come this sort of railroad crash never happens in elite Blue State liberal Martha's Vineyard... coincidence? I don't think so."

 

AI Creators Promise Beta Version of George Santos Will be "Much More Convincing"

"Yeah," say software creators at PinocchiCorp, "In hindsight, we shouldn't have released this Alpha version publicly. Clearly, there are still quite a few bugs in the system, although we did get the number of fingers right and his nose doesn't grow when he lies."

 

Trump Won't Partake in Right to Remain Silent

Calls appointment of Special Prosecutor, "the worst politicization of justice in our country since I fired Jeff Sessions."

 

DOJ Turns Down Geraldo Rivera's Offer to Open Mar-a-Lago Safe on Live TV

"Uh, no thanks, we got this," responds spokesperson for AG Merrick Garland.

 

 

3 Card Monte Tables Outside Susan Collins’ Senate Office Report Record Profits

"On her way in, she loses a few bucks, and on her way out, she loses again," says dealer Jake (Just "Jake"), "I can't believe all the years I wasted doing this in Times Square." 

Cisgender White Male Goes Nearly Entire Day Without Offending or Oppressing Minorities or the Marginalized

“I thought I was doing pretty well, there” said the unnamed individual whose preferred pronouns are presumably he/him/buddy/bub/sport/fella/boyo/guy/hey you/jack, “I guess I blew it when I ordered Mexican takeout and ended the call saying, ‘Gracias, Hon.’ I'm told I was employing the patriarchy to commit micro-aggression and cultural insensitivity,” adding,“I mean, jeez, I just wanted some guacamole, it’s not like I asked them to put pineapple on a pizza.”  

 

Tucker Carlson Invited by Putin to Embed with Russian Troops in Ukraine

Text message from Russian President to Fox News Host adds, “Bring friends. Many, many friends. Also tanks.”

 

Trump Worries Putin Still Hasn’t Noticed That “Truth” Social Media Platform Named in Homage to “Pravda”

“Not a word,” whined the former U.S. President about Putin’s lack of acknowledgement, “Not so much as a wink. Does he think it was a coincidence? I mean, whaddaya have to do to please this guy? I’ve tried everything!” 

 

Joe McCarthy Deciding Whether to Spin in His Grave

"On the one hand," says the late Senator (R-WI) remembered as the Red Baiter and instigator of 1950s anti-communist blacklisting, "I'm proud and delighted the GOP is still using my strategy tactics for kneecapping opponents – innuendo, lies and slander but," he adds with what's left of his furrowed brow, "They're doing it to help a Russian dictator bent on world domination, so, yeah, I dunno."

A spokesman for McCarthy says a final decision will be made, 'Fairly soon'.

 

Great Moments in Legitimate Political Discourse History

480 BC
Persian Army's Legitimate Political Discourse with 300 Spartans at Thermopylae.

1066
Normans Legitimately Politically Discourse Anglo-Saxons at Battle of Hastings.

1588
Heavy Storms Disrupt Spanish Armada’s Legitimate Political Discourse with England

1789
Legitimate Political Discourse Begun at Bastille Dominates France for Next Decade.

1815
Wellington Out-Legitimately-Political-Discourses Napolean at Waterloo.

1836
Davy Crockett Heroically Defends Alamo From Mexico’s Legitimate Political Discourse.

1876
Custer’s Seventh Cavalry Loses Legitimate Political Discourse with Sioux at Little Big Horn.

1927
Al Capone Legitimately Politically Discourses Seven of Bugs Moran’s Gang on St. Valentine’s Day.

1937
Pablo Picasso Memorializes Recent Legitimate Political Discourse in His Painting, “Guernica”.

1941
Japan Springs Surprise Legitimate Political Discourse at US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor.

1963
Lee Harvey Oswald Legitimately Politically Discourses JFK in Dallas. 

 

 

 

Putin Tells NATO Russian Troops Massed on Ukraine Border are Just There to Prepare for Legitimate Political Discourse

"Well, alrighty, then," says GOP, "Nothing to see here."

 

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson 'Shocked, SHOCKED!' by Report of Maskless Drunken Partying at No. 10 Downing Street

"Not only was it morally and ethically wrong," stated Prime Minister Boris Johnson, in reaction to the results of an official inquiry into multiple pandemic rule-breaking parties held at the Prime Minister's residence, "But it was indefensibly rude," he continued, "To not have been invited to a social event in my own house while I was present. I sincerely regret, after walking into a room full of my staff drinking and dancing to raucous music, that I didn't recognize the situation for what it was, but I don't see how I can be held responsible for the behavior of people who work for me and look to me for leadership and example." 

Asked if noise complaints from the evening before the press conference were prompted by another such soirée, Johnson told reporters, "How would I know, I only live here. Oh, and be a dear and drop these empty gin bottles into the recycle bin."