Ant Farmer's Almanac

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

"Just Fire Anyone You Wouldn't Want Your Sister Bringing Home for Thanksgiving"

J.D. Vance's team of Anti-Woke Warriors receives clarification on Trump's Executive Order to remove "Improper Ideology" from the National Zoo and the Smithsonian Institution.

 

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Hegseth Promises to Use Ham Radio for all Future National Security Group Chats

Facing backlash for using Signal, a commercial texting service, to discuss the details of an upcoming airstrike on Yemen, and, on top of that including in the chat a journalist from The Atlantic magazine, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and others involved swore on a stack of Trump/Lee Greenwood Bibles® that they'd learned their lesson and would use ham radio for all future communications with the group, saying, "It'll be like those code-talking Indians from that movie, even if, according to the Pentagon website, they don't exist," adding, "And we'll make sure any journalist included is somebody I know from Fox."

Leaked Report: Lack of Gratitude for His Protecting Airports During American Revolution Cause of Trump's Hostility Toward FAA

"Not a single thank you. Not one. They're lucky I don't just disband the whole thing," Trump has said to close advisors as well as anyone standing near him at Mar-a-Lago. The report also claims the president's animosity toward Canada stems from their siding with the British in 1776 and 1812.

 

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Musk Removes the Letters "DE" to Create "Feral" Government

"In this instance," says the billionaire-without-portfolio, "Two out of three is the right amount." The DOGE Team is also working on extracting the letter "n" from the word "government" because, "That's how everybody already pronounces it, anyway."

 

Trump Claims Credit in Advance for Lowering Nation's Cholesterol with Higher Egg Prices

"You're welcome," said the president at a press conference this afternoon, during which he touted the anticipated health benefits of a coming absence of eggs in the American diet due to high prices and supply shortages because of bird flu, "When your doctor tells you in a few months that your cholesterol has never been better, you can thank me, and you should, for saving your life and the life of your arteries. Soon, cardiologists, big cardiologists, strong cardiologists, tears in their eyes, will come up to me saying 'Sir, sir, you ruined my business but saved many lives, you protected my patients whether they wanted it or not.' I look forward to that, and you owe me. Bigly." 

 

Susan Wiles Applies for Permit to Conceal-Carry Taser in White House

"Often, the best way for me to help the president," says Trump's Chief of Staff, "Is to put him into a time-out with extreme prejudice," adding, "Sometimes 50,000 volts speak louder than words."

 

Plan for Gaza-Lago Seaside Casino Resort & Kibbutz Unveiled

"Along with hosting guests and dues paying members, this unique resort will offer a time-share option at its Kibbutz Cabanas wing," explains Gaza-Lago spokesman Gordon Knott, "Kibutzers will receive a deep discount on their lodgings in exchange for spending 50% of their stay doing work around the resort, such as cooking, housecleaning, valet parking, perimeter security... The resort's amenities overall will be modeled after President Trump's luxurious Florida residence Mar-a-Lago," he enthused, adding, "Except for the omelet bar, at least until the price of eggs comes down."

 

 

Musk Claims He Needs U.S. Citizens' Financial Information to Help Him Choose Who Gets to Go to Mars

"I want to colonize the Red Planet only with America's best and brightest," says the world's richest man, "And so far, I haven't met any."

 

Trump Urged to Wait Until After 2026 Midterms to Change Name of Country to Confederate States of America

"We just think it's best to just wait and see how this Gulf of America business turns out," say White House aides.

 

Hegseth Opens Bar Tab at Pentagon Commissary

New Secretary of Defense also orders end to "Ladies' Night" and "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" policy.

 

 

Fraud No Longer a Crime if Someone Falls for It

In a move that legal scholars and experts are calling, "You're kidding, right?" President Trump’s latest Executive Order states that “What has for so long and so unfairly been deemed a criminal act will now be more accurately, and henceforth, legally, redefined and referred to as, ‘Persuasive Salesmanship by Use of Alternative Facts’. 

 

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddests". 

 

J.D. Vance Eager to Meet His Associates and Get to Work Ranking Car Values

Fearing Crowd Size Shrinkage, Trump Moves Inauguration Indoors

"This last happened in 1985, for Ronald Regan's second inaugural," explains a Trump transition team spokesman. Asked if the move reflects any worries about William Henry Harrison's having caught pneumonia at his frigid 1841 swearing-in and dying a month later, the spokesman replied, "Oh, you don't really think Mr. Trump even knows about that, do you?"

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."