Ant Farmer's Almanac

Top 10 Jokes for Yakov Smirnoff's Inevitable Comeback Tour

In your country you follow Twitter; in Russia, Twitter follows you… ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, friends of Putin become millionaires; in America, millionaire friends of Putin become Secretary of State... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, you put up wall to keep people out; in Russia, they put up wall because so many bricks still lying around from rubble of society ruined by communism... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia computer hackers break into American politician's email to make public embarrassing information; in America, public just waits for politician to embarrass himself... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, FBI listens in on your phone conversation; in Russia KGB listens in on FBI... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhhh, ehhhhh.

In America, patriotic saying of politicians is, "Buy American!", in Russia, patriotic saying is, "Buy an American politician"... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In your country, if you speak out against leader you wind up criticized; in Russia, you speak out against leader you wind up in critical condition... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In America, politicians say whatever they have to to get elected; in Russia, Putin says nothing and voters have to elect him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh. 

In American, you don't bomb countries where your president has business; in Russia, Putin bombs countries into doing business with him... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

In Russia, government is run by rich guys lining own pockets at taxpayer expense; in your country... pretty much same thing... ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh, ehhhh.

I'm here all week, try the borscht!

 

100 Days Scorecard. Mine, Not His.

When I wrote “Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at The First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency” the idea of Donald Trump as president — he wasn’t even the nominee yet — seemed as outlandish as it was unlikely. Well, we know how that turned out. Now that those 100 days have passed, I wondered how accurately my predictions had been. Below is a list of what I got right or came close enough to deserve some credit. My final score is at the bottom.

Cause Widespread Agita
So far, nobody’s dubbed the psychic trauma of living in Trump world “The DTs” as I did on Day 5 but, there has been plenty of coverage about the rise in anxiety med prescriptions and visits to mental health professionals. Maybe if I'd gone with the catchier, “Trump Induced Tsuris” (TIT) it might've caught on.

Replace Air Force One with Trump Air
I had this taking place on Day 9 but, even before his inauguration, Trump complained about the cost of replacing Air Force One, threatening to cancel the order with Boeing. While he never said so personally, he must have had this idea on deck as a Plan B.

Translator Issues
Granted, I envisioned translators kvelling on Days 13 and 91 over interpreting U.S. Ambassador to Russia (later Cuba) Sarah Palin's attempts at spoken English but I’ll still take this as a win. 

Trouble Funding The Border Wall
I was overly optimistic about Trump’s Border Wall getting built, having work start on Day 16. In my can do-dystopian version, funding only ran into trouble on Day 28 when construction was already well underway. I still think my solution of corporate sponsorship could be a winner.

Private Security Detail
His majesty's secret service wasn't enough. Sad. Trump enhanced his security detail with private sector goons. I had him replacing the secret service after finding out they'd code-named him "Hairball One" on Day 29. His code name is "Mogul", I'm told. I bet that's not what the secret service calls him when he's not around.

Cost of Inauguration
Even worse than my imagined overspending on Trump’s inauguration (Day 38) is the reported over-donating for it that has resulted in a multimillion-dollar slush fund. 

Insulting Angela Merkel
In my version of Day 77, Trump got himself declared "persona non-grata" in Germany over insulting remarks about Chancellor Angela Merkel. I never imagined he'd be such a jerk to her in person. How wrong I was. He hasn’t been barred from visiting Germany (yet) but I’m still giving myself the point for this one.

Pissing Off World Leaders
Trump seems to have learned everything he knows about Mexico from “Breaking Bad”. That would go a long way in explaining his threats to Mexican President Nieto of invading his country to get the "bad hombres" terrorizing the border. Meanwhile, and, credit where credit is due, short of mistaking them for New Zealanders, it takes a lot to piss off an Australian with fewer than eight cans of Foster’s in him, but Trump managed it in half the time allotted for his first phone call with Aussie PM Malcolm Trumbull. (Disclaimer: I don’t know how many cans of Foster’s Lager Trumbull had consumed beforehand.)   

Governing by Executive Order
I had the president's penchant for governing via Executive Order an item on Day 80. I didn’t specify the number of them, but he signed 29 in 99 Days. Hardly a record but, more than anybody since Truman racked up 57. 

Hiring Unqualified Cabinet Members
Not all of Trump’s cabinet picks are completely unqualified and too inexperienced to lead the agencies they’ve been put in charge of; some are openly hostile to their agencies’ missions and want to do away with them altogether. Or, in the case of the Department of Energy's Rick Perry, both. Granted, Trump never nominated Howie Mandel for Secretary of Agriculture, as I suggested, but we don't know who was on that short list, now do we.

Making a Buck Off Being President
We all knew he’d manage to do this. The only real question was how. The answer, it turns out, is, in every way possible. I offered numerous instances and various methods of self-dealing throughout the first 100.

General Tone
“Speak Loudly and Stick it to Everybody” was my proposed campaign slogan for candidate Trump, though it could be the mantra of his administration’s core philosophy. My version of his inaugural speech had him promising to return the country to the glory days of the ’80s, the 1880s when Robber Barons ruled the land unchecked by pesky government regulations and laws and such. 

So, the final tally: 13 for 87. Maybe not a great stat but, would you have really wanted me to be any righter? 

 

Jeff Sessions Amazed "Some Colored Fella" Was Allowed to be President

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire)  US Attorney General Jeff Sessions expressed astonishment and chagrin today that “some colored fella” was allowed to be president, saying, "I mean, what with all the power and authority that office holds." High-ranking Justice Department officials report that Sessions is calling for a full investigation.

Dessert Alert System

Pentagon Replacing “DEFCON” Military Activity/Threat-Level Status With Alert System Keyed to Whatever President Trump Is Having for Dessert

Chocolate Cake
Tomahawk missiles launched from offshore in symbolic gesture.

Apple Pie (a la mode)
Beach landing that results in planting of American flag on vanquished country’s soil.

Pineapple Upside Down Cake
Any military action taken south of the equator.

Key Lime Pie
The president and his pals have removed all their offshore accounts from the Cayman Islands and are sending in troops to confiscate everyone else's.

S'mores
Trump's ordered seconds but can't remember if it was more dessert or another airstrike.

Fortune Cookie(s)
Look out North Korea (Peking might wanna duck, too).

Madeleines
Fondly recall and reflect on past bombings.

Baked Alaska
Goodbye, Cruel World!

 

Frequently Asked Questions About the 2017 White House Easter Egg Roll

Q: Will Sean Spicer be the Easter Bunny again this year?

A: No. It will not be Sean Spicer in the Easter Bunny costume.

Q: Why not?

A: Mr. Spicer has other things to do. He’s a busy guy.

Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Fabergé Eggs being rolled by the younger Trumps and Kushners are a gift from Vladimir Putin?

A: The Fabergé Eggs the roya- first family's children will be rolling come from the personal collection of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson who has generously donated them for this event. We don’t know where he got them. Ebay, maybe.

Q: We notice that Spicer isn’t scheduled to be at the event, which is odd since he’s the press secretary and all, but also won’t be appearing anywhere else publicly all day, so, where is he if not inside the rabbit suit?

A: Just because you won’t see Sean Spicer and the Easter Bunny in the same place at the same time for the entire day doesn’t mean he’s the bunny. Okay?

Q: Why is there a catapult set up near the North Lawn fence?

A: Brown Easter eggs leftover from the Obamas’ diversity efforts will be taken to the North Lawn and hurled over the fence, across Pennsylvania Avenue toward protesters in Lafayette Square.

Q: Is it Chris Christie?

A: Is what Chris Christie?

Q: The guy in the Easter Bunny costume. He seems like a natural.

A: No. It isn't Governor Christie.

Q: People are saying if Sean Spicer is the Easter Bunny that, having once played that role, it would underscore criticism of the administration's penchant for hiring only those uniquely unsuited for their jobs or who've never done them before; ergo, in Trump world, Spicer's qualifications actually disqualify him.

A: What people?

Q: People. You don't know them.

A: Do you have a question or not?

Q: Is it true that president Trump will not pardon this year's Easter Bunny?

A: Wrong holiday but, come November, those turkeys are toast.

 

One of Friday's Unsigned Executive Orders Would Have Banned April Fools' Day

“Terrible. Lying to people so they believe things that aren’t true just for fun. Sad,” tweeted the president from Mar-A-Lago on Saturday morning. #ProsOnly

FBI Confirms No Link Between Trump, Reality

Trumpcare Drops Promised Coverage of Exorcism, Snake Bite Medicine, Leeches

In a last-minute revision of the American Health Care Act, aka Trumpcare, Republican legislators removed a clause that (after the deductible) would have covered the cost of exorcism, patent medicines, and bloodletting. As Speaker Ryan stated, “Consumers will still have access to such traditional remedies as Christianity based faith healing, and a wide variety of snake bite elixers, and leeches, but the AHCA isn't gonna pay for them.”

Additionally, 'The vapors', 'Ill bodily humors', and "the heebee-jeebees' were re-classified as pre-existing conditions.

 

Kickstarter Campaign Raises Enough to Cover Ruth Bader Ginsburg Gym Membership Until the Year 2067

Trump Seeks $54 Billion Defense Budget Increase to "Protect Us From the Danger I've Created".

News Brake:

Previously unknown "Red Herring Brigade" claims credit for Swedish terror attack.

And, We're Off...

Over the next 100 days, as we slog through the first leg of Donald Trump's term in office, I'll be keeping a sharp eye out for Trump or anyone in his administration doing any of the things I imagined in my book Talk to the Hair: A Look Back at the First 100 Days of the Trump Presidency, written a year ago, back in that rosy time when the idea of his actually getting elected was a wacky, farfetched notion. Hy-larious, believe you me...

Whenever one of my "predictions" pops up in reality, I'll note it and mark which of the first 100 Days I'd pegged it to.

Heck, even in the weeks between his election and his inauguration, three of my "forecasts" came (or came close to coming) true: The Donald proposed replacing Air Force One with Trump Air (Day 9 in my book); Supplemented his Secret Service detail with "private security" (Day 29 in my imagined timeline); and some people in Hawaii, however facetiously, have suggested that their state secede from the U.S. and appoint Barack Obama President for Life (Day 67, although I had them offering him the title of "Big Kahuna for Life").

What'll happen next? Wouldn't you like to know. Buy my book and you can play along at home, at work or from your favorite panic room or fallout shelter! Fun for the whole family, I tells ya.

Available on Amazon.com (or Barnes & Noble online, if you swing that way).

Was I right? Was I wrong? Watch this space.

 

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican and to the world, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

 

 

Trump Hospitalized with Forked Tongue

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) President-elect Donald J. Trump was rushed to the St. Luke's-Roosevelt Hospital emergency room in Manhattan yesterday evening after jabbing a fork into his tongue, effectively splitting it in half. 

Mr. Trump's Secret Service detail escorted him from the Famiglia Pizzeria in Times Square, where he was dining with his family and, according to witnesses, had been consuming pizza, in his customary method and in defiance of local custom, with a knife and fork. 

Trump's Secret Service detail declined to answer any questions or provide further information, although sources at the hospital confirm that the president-elect's tongue had been cleaved about three-quarters of an inch "Right down the middle".

The incident reveals that Mr. Trump uses voice recognition software when tweeting, as evidenced by a tweet he sent from his hospital room: 

    Defecthive thilverware at thutch a prithey rethtaurahn; Louthy pitha. Thad.

Mr. Trump was treated and released and is expected to make a full recovery. Rumors that a Trump brand "Pizza Spork" would be introduced in the coming weeks could not be confirmed at press time.

 

 

The 12 Days of Trumpness

On the First day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
A Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Second day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Third day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fourth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Fifth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Sixth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Seventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eighth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Ninth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Tenth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Eleventh day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

On the Twelfth day of Trumpness the Donald sent to me
Twelve Angry Tweets
Eleven Russian Hackers
Ten Stubby Fingers
Nine Bald-Faced Lies
Eight Conflicts of Interest
Seven Gropers Groping
Six Bankruptcies
Gold Everything
Four Hellish Years
Three Trade Wars
Two Ex Wives
and a Good Brain with all the Best Words

 

So Much for Satire...

Well, That Happened...
Let's See What Else I Got Right.

Seriously, I was kidding but, apparently, 62 million of you weren't. So, now that it's not fiction anymore, buy yourself and all your friends, neighbors and countrymen a copy of Talk to the Hair, if not to see what else I might have got right about Donald Trump's first 100 days as president of these United States, then as a compass to guide you through the roller coaster ride we're in for starting January 20th, 2017.

Moving the Goalposts

Maybe if Donald Trump had held onto the New Jersey Generals of the USFL, become general manager and had this press conference in 1984 or so, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now...

[scene: New Jersey Generals post-game interview]

REPORTER
So, how do you feel after that humiliating loss, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP
It was a beautiful game; a great game. I have all the best players and coaches. My cheerleaders, first rate; 10s all of them. I only hire the best -- the best of the best! Unbelievable!

REPORTER
But the Generals lost today. Big-time. The game was a blowout.

TRUMP
No, you're wrong about that. We won. We're winners. We always win. Losing is for losers.

REPORTER
The score was 57-12...

TRUMP
Ask our fans who won, they know, they'll tell you. Numbers don't mean anything.  

REPORTER
Ah, they kinda do...

TRUMP
That scoreboard was rigged; the whole league is rigged. If we lose -- and I'm telling you we didn't -- it wasn't a fair game. No way.

REPORTER
There were a lot of fumbles by your team and the other side played well, making some seventeen interceptions...

TRUMP
You see, right there! They only had the ball because they stole it from us! And the referees did nothing about it. 

REPORTER
Are you accusing the officials of rigging the game against you?

TRUMP
Many people are saying that, I don't know...

REPORTER
Your coaching staff often complains about your managerial interference, saying you insist they use nonsensical and risky plays ...

TRUMP
Wrong.

REPORTER
... and keeping in players who should probably have been on the disabled list, benched or traded... 

TRUMP
I don't know where this is coming from. Where did you get this?

REPORTER
... and more than one of them has said you personally are to blame for this season's poor record.

TRUMP
Lame excuses from lousy coaches. They should be embarrassed. I put together a winning team and they can't make it work. Sad.  

REPORTER
Players have said your rambling half-time locker-room talks, rather than inspiring them to rally, instead confuse, depress and even frighten them, and that your bizarre plays put them at tremendous physical risk...

TRUMP
Overpaid crybabies who can't take it -- they can't even dish it out, 'Ooh, I got a concussion and wanna go home,' Most of these guys come from the shittiest neighborhoods in the shittiest little towns, where they've been shot several times before they're 12. I pull them out of there, probably saving their lives and now they're whining about ligament tears, skull fractures and neurodegenerative disorders. Pathetic.

REPORTER
Didn't you just claim to have "All the best players and coaches?"

TRUMP
I never said that.

REPORTER
Do you have any comment about the multiple pending lawsuits from New Jersey Generals' cheerleaders about your alleged sexual harassment of them on and off the field?

TRUMP
Somebody get him out of here!

 

Groups Donald Trump Hasn't Insulted Yet*

Caped Superheroes

Mongol Hordes

Professional bowlers

The Gambino Family

Chiropodists

Elephant polo players

Visigoths

The Whiffenpoofs

The American Dental Association*

Shriners

Cast of 2 Broke Girls

Falconers

Emerson, Lake & Palmer

Ice Road Truckers

Swedenborgians

Heugenots

Cat fanciers*

Cats*

Soccer hooligans

Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants*

Emperor Penguins

The Allman Brothers

Maoris

Abonimable Snowmen* (see also, Bigfoot*)

Elvis impersonators

Orcs

The Property Brothers*

Basque Separatists

Leprechauns

Men Who Stare at Goats

The Danish Royal Family*

 

*Seems like an oversight on his part. We probably just missed it somehow.

 

TALK TO THE HAIR: Get it While It's Still Satire

The hit eBook now newly revised, in an updated and lavishly illustrated print edition!

That's right, my look back at the future is here today!

With pictures by renowned editorial illustrator Martin Kozlowski. Order your copy through Amazon or get a sneak peak at Now What Media's book page.

Talk to the Hair offers a satiric first-100-day-by-day account of President Donald Trump making good on his campaign promise to "Make America Totally Classy Again!" From Inaugural Ball-related injuries to finding that good fences don't make for such good neighbors after all, the new president lets the chips fall where they may-ideally into one of his own casinos. And, when the going gets tough, The Donald turns to the diplomacy of Sarah Palin and the muscle of some guys named Vinny. However it turns out, it's gonna be YOOGE!"

Trump Slams Skeletons in Hillary's Closet as "Losers"

Promises His Administration's Scandals Will Be "Fantastic. Incredible, the Best Ever!"

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Asked if his general election campaign against Hillary Clinton would focus on scandal-mongering and mud-slinging, Donald J. Trump, offered a surprising insight into his presidential aspirations.

"Please," scoffed the presumptive Republican candidate, "The skeletons in Hillary's closet are losers, nobodies. When I'm president, my administration will have the most incredible scandals Washington has ever seen... and more of them."  

"These so-called 'scandals' about Hillary," said Trump, mockingly and making the air quotes gesture at the word 'scandals,' "They're just sad, pathetic... Email? Don't make me laugh. A couple of her real estate deals go south? Losing money on real estate? I do that just for the tax deduction! Her husband cheated on her? Pffft! Just you wait! Maybe she killed a guy, maybe not. Maybe or not I know what Jimmy Hoffa's last words were and which of my casino-resorts he's buried under."

Despite aides' frantic attempts to get him away from the microphone, Mr. Trump continued speaking.

"Every great president had scandals; Reagan, Nixon, Kennedy... I mean, JFK, c'mon, the mafia, the women, Marilyn Monroe! Admittedly, It'll be hard to top him on Marilyn but there will be women, believe me! Hot women, beautiful women. The best! And mafia? We'll have hot and cold running mobsters in every cabinet department; godfathers, gangsters, goodfellas..."

It was at this point the lights flickered, the sound system went silent and Trump was seen being hustled out of the room by his security detail, "For security reasons," said one of the unit left behind to make sure he wasn't followed.

Republican National Committee chairman Reince Prebus put a positive spin on his party's presumptive nominee's statements, noting through a forced grin, "This is one campaign promise I think we can count on him living up to."