Ant Farmer's Almanac

Pontificating Pundits Predict Perennially Perilous Path for Present Prez

News gnomes note gnarly, knotted network of neverending nuisance and interruption.  

 

"What I Meant Was That 3/5th-Americans Are Now Voting on a Par with 5/5th-Americans and That's About as Much Progress as We're Gonna Put Up With, Just Now"

Mitch McConnell (R-KY), clarifies earlier remark that, "African American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans.”

Beltway insiders are crediting the Senate Minority leader with creating the "Gaffe-Whistle"; a hybrid of a Gaffe (accidentally speaking the truth) and a Dog-Whistle (winking in code to your base) in which the speaker says the quiet part out loud but clearly means it sincerely. 

 

 

January 6 Insurrection Anniversary Planners Divided Over Whether It Should Be A Reunion Or A Re-enactment

Congressional Investigation Committee Subpeonas Guest List, Invitations, RSVPs.

 

Dems Unveil January 6 Investigation Plan B: Train Major Biden to Sniff Out and Bite Anyone Bearing the Scent of Russian Rubles, Then Let Him Loose in Joint Session of Congress

GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, adding, “Besides, everybody likes ponies.”

 

Cyber Ninjas Protest Calls to Cancel Arizona Recount, Claiming They’ve Found Bambú Papers Among Ballots After Venue Used for High School Graduations

“We now believe fake ballots may have been brought in from Haight-Ashbury,” said an audit spokesman, “We’re in the process of seeking subpeonas for Cheech and or Chong.”

 

Latest Entry in California Governor's Race, Tag, the Kodiak Bear, Enjoys 18-Point Lead Despite Dubious Claims “I Am Smarter Than The Average Bear" and “Hey, I'm Already on the State Flag”

Press and opponents call for investigation into allegations of Tag’s connection to recent thefts of “pic-a-nic baskets.” Salmon lobby promotes "Fur is Murderous!" protests at upcoming Rallies.

 

Arizona Recount Brings in Pandas to Detect Bamboo Ballots

“Each ballot cast for Biden is offered to a panda and, if the animal eats it, we know it was made from bamboo brought in from China and, therefor, a vote stolen from Trump,” said a Cyber Ninja spokesman, adding, “True, the bear will have eaten the hard evidence but, that's just more proof that only the uneaten ballots are legitimate.”  

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.

 

Office of VP Harris Denies Rumor She Requested Major Biden Accompany Her to Senate for Tie-Breaking Votes

First dog’s only official duty for now is attending Oval Office Meetings with GOP Leadership; will spend most time in Delaware to avoid appearance of being "Beltway Insider".

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms

 

 

Nation Eager to Return to Normal, Just as Soon as It Can Remember What That Is

Differing Definitions Threaten Further Division.

 

 

Biden Sworn in as Oldest President, Continuing Run of Historic Firsts After First Black President and First Mentally Ill President

Records set by three presidencies in a row.

 

 

Hey, We’re TRYING to do Worse but, We’re Also Trying to Move Out, Find New Jobs and Dodge Prosecution

White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack.

Metal Detectors Installed at White House Exits

Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings.

 

Anti-Vaxxers Will be Locked Into the "It's a Small World" Ride Until They Agree to Get the Shot

Disneyland to be Vaccination Site.

 

Metal Detector? Oh, Sorry, We Thought You Said “Mental Detector”

Representatives Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert and about a dozen Republican members of Congress apologize for refusing to walk through the Capitol Building’s newly installed magnetometer.