Ant Farmer's Almanac

GOP to Replace George Santos with Anthony Devolder

"Devolder's being both a fresh new name and a familiar face at the same time is a real benefit," insists a spokesman for the congressman's home-district Republican Party, adding, "And, if Devolder doesn't work out, we've got a deep bench that includes Anthony Zabrovsky and Kitara Ravache; really, at this point we'll try anything to avoid a special election a Democrat might win."

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.

 

Office of VP Harris Denies Rumor She Requested Major Biden Accompany Her to Senate for Tie-Breaking Votes

First dog’s only official duty for now is attending Oval Office Meetings with GOP Leadership; will spend most time in Delaware to avoid appearance of being "Beltway Insider".

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms

 

 

Nation Eager to Return to Normal, Just as Soon as It Can Remember What That Is

Differing Definitions Threaten Further Division.

 

 

Biden Sworn in as Oldest President, Continuing Run of Historic Firsts After First Black President and First Mentally Ill President

Records set by three presidencies in a row.

 

 

Hey, We’re TRYING to do Worse but, We’re Also Trying to Move Out, Find New Jobs and Dodge Prosecution

White House Staffers Apologize for Latest Lame Excuse for Trump's Silence on the Capitol Hill Attack.

Metal Detectors Installed at White House Exits

Departing staff told to also expect TSA-style pat-downs and wand screenings.

 

Anti-Vaxxers Will be Locked Into the "It's a Small World" Ride Until They Agree to Get the Shot

Disneyland to be Vaccination Site.

 

Metal Detector? Oh, Sorry, We Thought You Said “Mental Detector”

Representatives Lauren Boebert, Louis Gohmert and about a dozen Republican members of Congress apologize for refusing to walk through the Capitol Building’s newly installed magnetometer.

 

Turns Out the Revolution WAS Televised But Got Canceled After Only One Episode

Reboot not entirely out of the question, say insiders.

 

Apple Revives eWorld Just Long Enough to Ban Trump From It

Apple's long-defunct subscription service eWorld, a relic of the early internet, flickered back to life briefly today in order to be declared retroactively off-limits to President Trump. The only people aware of the event at the time was a handful of startled vintage Mac collectors whose modems suddenly beeped, clicked and bonged for the first time this century, along with one Newton tablet that eerily displayed the message "Eggs Freckles."

 

 

Useful Idiot's Useful Idiots Attempt Useful Idiocy

Effort Somehow Not Entirely Successful.

 

Trump Awards Himself Medal of Freedom and Purple Heart

WASHINGTON DC (AFA NewsWire) At an unscheduled Rose Garden ceremony held early this morning, president Donald Trump awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Purple Heart. 

“When I said that I view the number of cases [of COVID-19] as a badge of honor, I meant it literally,” said Mr. Trump, “And this medallion is proof of my commitment to bravely sacrificing as many lives as it takes to keep America in the forefront of anything, always and in every way, no matter what.”

Vice president Mike Pence, beaming with pride and admiration, handed the medal to the president who then looped the ribbon holding it around his own head. Mr. Pence then pinned a Purple Heart onto the president’s suit jacket.

“I’ve always wanted one of these,” said Mr. Trump, “And no president has ever deserved it more than I do. Every day, I suffer more attacks than anyone who’s ever held this office. My enemies, in the fake media, the Democrats, they come at me day after day, nonstop, so unfairly, wounding me with relentless insults and meanness. But,” the president continued, “I’m telling them, here and now, to just turn around. They’re not welcome anymore. I will go on. I will survive. They may think I’d just crumble. Just lay down and die. But, no, Oh no, I will survive. Oh, I know I'll stay alive. I've got all my life to live and I'll survive. I will survive. Hey, hey.”

When asked if the Pentagon had signed off on presenting a medal usually awarded for wounds suffered in combat to a civilian with no history of military service for, essentially, hurt feelings, the Joint Chiefs' press officer pretended to be an answering machine, told us to leave a message, said “Beep” and then quickly hung up.

 

Shortage of Ice Floes Sinks Proposal to Send Seniors Adrift at Sea

Global Warming Blamed

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) A leaked internal email, purportedly from the Federalist Society, reveals a proposal for sending non-productive senior citizens at risk for the coronavirus out to sea on ice floes. 

Meant to capitalize on the growing sentiment in conservative circles that older Ameicans should voluntarily give up their lives to save the economy, the plan, entitled, “Sometimes the Old Ways Are Best” revives the Inuit practice of senilicide, last used in 1939 and, to be fair, only in times of extreme hardship before then. 

With no indication of to whom the proposal was to be presented, the memo details the rationale for the project — old people are a drag on the economy in the best of times and, under the current circumstances, an existential threat to the Dow Jones — and suggests ways to spin the concept to be more palatable (“Go With the Floe!”) to the general public as well as the senior citizens themselves. 

This latter issue, however, has proved “. . .less of an obstacle than expected. . .” according to the memo since, “. . .followers of the various pundits openly forwarding the idea seem non-plussed by its Swiftian aspect with some enthusiastically eager to make this sacrifice”.

Only in a reply to the original email is a lack of ice on which to place willing seniors presented as a problem.

“Despite global warming being a hoax or at least a liberal media exaggeration of naturally occurring fluctuations of the Earth’s climate, there is at present, a notable shortage of appropriately sized ice floes to hold an elderly American long enough to get them past being visible from shore.” 

The memo goes onto to debate whether a profitable contract industry could be created to fill this need but, it ultimately determines any such venture a non-starter also noting that, “The existing supply of ice floes is populated by very territorial polar bears, many of them drinking Coca-Cola.”

 

Pence Issues First Statement on Battling Coronavirus

"We can convert this crisis into a cure," states new coronavirus czar

WASHINGTON, DC (AFA NewsWire) In his first official act as coronavirus czar, vice president Mike Pence today handed out lapel pins emblazoned with the phrases, "Denying is Defying!" and "Fake it till you shake it!" 

Pence has waved off recommendations from the WHO, the CDC and other public health organizations and is drawing instead on his experience with public health crises while governor of Indiana. This included leaning heavily on gay conversion therapy and "praying away the gay" as methods of preventing HIV. His coronavirus campaign emphasizes the individual's role and responsibility in dealing with the pandemic.

A flyer distributed to the assembled press lays out the foundation of Pence's call to action.

If you have, or think you have, coronavirus, repress all symptoms and behave as if you don’t have it. Do things a healthy person would do, even if you don’t feel well enough to do them. Do them anyway. Act as if you're healthier than the healthiest person who ever lived, as if you were someone who, blessedly, will never know the agony of a soul tortured by the power of the coronavirus.

Just the simple act of denying the coronavirus’ effect on you will blunt and reverse the virus. Never give in to the overpowering and persistent temptation to acknowledge and accept the fact that you may really have it. Keep reminding yourself how much better it is to not have the coronavirus and how much happier and well-adjusted you'd be if you don’t. Wouldn't you rather be someone who doesn't have the coronavirus? Of course you would.

Tips on Avoiding the coronavirus:

• Wash your hands frequently.
• Don’t be alone in a room with the coronavirus.
• Drink plenty of fluids.
• Avoid musical theater, discos, the E! Channel and, if you have it, Bravo. Also, just to be on the safe side, most of the Food Channel; the holiday themed baking shows, especially.
• Invest more in the stock market. Help boost America's economic immune system!
• If you get a common cold or even the flu, don't panic; just keep telling yourself, "It isn't the coronavirus, it's just a phase I'm going through and I'll get over it."
• Seek the help of a cleric of your choice but, remember to wear a face mask over your nose and mouth so he knows what he's up against and not get too close to you.

Congressional Republicans Congratulate Trump for Being Time Magazine's "Person of the Year"

WASHINGTON (AFA NewsWire) In a party line vote taken today in the House of Representatives, Republicans voted to issue a proclamation congratulating President Donald Trump on being named Time Magazine's "Person of the Year". Senate Republicans later seconded the motion and issued a joint statement that the honor, while long overdue, was well deserved if too understated.

No sitting members responded to such questions from the press as, "You know he isn't really Time's "Person of the Year", right", "Are you serious?" and "What the fuck!?!"  

Congressional Democrats were quick to point out that the proclamation was utterly meaningless having not gone through any sort of the necessary procedures such a declaration would need to be "official". Nonetheless, at least a dozen staffers were tasked with going though the document with a fine-toothed comb looking for anything the Republicans were trying to sneak into the record.

Speaking on condition of anonymity and with visible fear in his eyes, one GOP House member explained, "Look, you don't want to be in the same zip code as Trump when he finds out that he's not Time's Person of the Year" and that he lost to a girl."

 

Prince of Whales Found Dead on Oregon Coast

NEWPORT, OREGON (AFA NewsWire) Just days after meeting with President Donald Trump, the Prince of Whales, confidant of Poseiden and Neptune, technical advisor to Jacques Cousteau and bon vivant of the Seven Seas, washed up on the Oregon coastline, just north of the town of Newport.

"A couple walking their dog along Nye Beach had spotted the whale carcass Wednesday morning and called it it," said Deputy Phil Blanc of the Lincoln County Sheriffs Department, "It wasn't until we were packing the body with dynamite that we noticed the crown and the monocle."

At that point, a local historians and marine biologist were brought in and they positively identified the remains as being of royal lineage.

An autopsy is currently underway at a nearby aquarium’s marine mammal facility.