Ant Farmer's Almanac

"They're Not Sending Their Best, They're Sending Criminals" Say Countries About Trump's Ambassadorial Nominees

In other news: Hunter Biden's pardon by his father now qualifies him for a job in the new administration's Diplomatic Corps.

Tucker Carlson Invited by Putin to Embed with Russian Troops in Ukraine

Text message from Russian President to Fox News Host adds, “Bring friends. Many, many friends. Also tanks.”

 

Trump Worries Putin Still Hasn’t Noticed That “Truth” Social Media Platform Named in Homage to “Pravda”

“Not a word,” whined the former U.S. President about Putin’s lack of acknowledgement, “Not so much as a wink. Does he think it was a coincidence? I mean, whaddaya have to do to please this guy? I’ve tried everything!” 

 

Joe McCarthy Deciding Whether to Spin in His Grave

"On the one hand," says the late Senator (R-WI) remembered as the Red Baiter and instigator of 1950s anti-communist blacklisting, "I'm proud and delighted the GOP is still using my strategy tactics for kneecapping opponents – innuendo, lies and slander but," he adds with what's left of his furrowed brow, "They're doing it to help a Russian dictator bent on world domination, so, yeah, I dunno."

A spokesman for McCarthy says a final decision will be made, 'Fairly soon'.

 

Great Moments in Legitimate Political Discourse History

480 BC
Persian Army's Legitimate Political Discourse with 300 Spartans at Thermopylae.

1066
Normans Legitimately Politically Discourse Anglo-Saxons at Battle of Hastings.

1588
Heavy Storms Disrupt Spanish Armada’s Legitimate Political Discourse with England

1789
Legitimate Political Discourse Begun at Bastille Dominates France for Next Decade.

1815
Wellington Out-Legitimately-Political-Discourses Napolean at Waterloo.

1836
Davy Crockett Heroically Defends Alamo From Mexico’s Legitimate Political Discourse.

1876
Custer’s Seventh Cavalry Loses Legitimate Political Discourse with Sioux at Little Big Horn.

1927
Al Capone Legitimately Politically Discourses Seven of Bugs Moran’s Gang on St. Valentine’s Day.

1937
Pablo Picasso Memorializes Recent Legitimate Political Discourse in His Painting, “Guernica”.

1941
Japan Springs Surprise Legitimate Political Discourse at US Naval Base in Pearl Harbor.

1963
Lee Harvey Oswald Legitimately Politically Discourses JFK in Dallas. 

 

 

 

Putin Tells NATO Russian Troops Massed on Ukraine Border are Just There to Prepare for Legitimate Political Discourse

"Well, alrighty, then," says GOP, "Nothing to see here."

 

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson 'Shocked, SHOCKED!' by Report of Maskless Drunken Partying at No. 10 Downing Street

"Not only was it morally and ethically wrong," stated Prime Minister Boris Johnson, in reaction to the results of an official inquiry into multiple pandemic rule-breaking parties held at the Prime Minister's residence, "But it was indefensibly rude," he continued, "To not have been invited to a social event in my own house while I was present. I sincerely regret, after walking into a room full of my staff drinking and dancing to raucous music, that I didn't recognize the situation for what it was, but I don't see how I can be held responsible for the behavior of people who work for me and look to me for leadership and example." 

Asked if noise complaints from the evening before the press conference were prompted by another such soirée, Johnson told reporters, "How would I know, I only live here. Oh, and be a dear and drop these empty gin bottles into the recycle bin."

 

 

"What I Meant Was That 3/5th-Americans Are Now Voting on a Par with 5/5th-Americans and That's About as Much Progress as We're Gonna Put Up With, Just Now"

Mitch McConnell (R-KY), clarifies earlier remark that, "African American voters are voting in just as high a percentage as Americans.”

Beltway insiders are crediting the Senate Minority leader with creating the "Gaffe-Whistle"; a hybrid of a Gaffe (accidentally speaking the truth) and a Dog-Whistle (winking in code to your base) in which the speaker says the quiet part out loud but clearly means it sincerely. 

 

 

January 6 Insurrection Anniversary Planners Divided Over Whether It Should Be A Reunion Or A Re-enactment

Congressional Investigation Committee Subpeonas Guest List, Invitations, RSVPs.

 

Dems Unveil January 6 Investigation Plan B: Train Major Biden to Sniff Out and Bite Anyone Bearing the Scent of Russian Rubles, Then Let Him Loose in Joint Session of Congress

GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation.

 

Resumption of Mail Delivery via Pony Express Among DeJoy’s Proposed Changes to USPS

“It’s slower, less efficient and way more costly, so it’s a natural fit with my overall strategy,” says embattled Postmaster General, adding, “Besides, everybody likes ponies.”

 

Cyber Ninjas Protest Calls to Cancel Arizona Recount, Claiming They’ve Found Bambú Papers Among Ballots After Venue Used for High School Graduations

“We now believe fake ballots may have been brought in from Haight-Ashbury,” said an audit spokesman, “We’re in the process of seeking subpeonas for Cheech and or Chong.”

 

Latest Entry in California Governor's Race, Tag, the Kodiak Bear, Enjoys 18-Point Lead Despite Dubious Claims “I Am Smarter Than The Average Bear" and “Hey, I'm Already on the State Flag”

Press and opponents call for investigation into allegations of Tag’s connection to recent thefts of “pic-a-nic baskets.” Salmon lobby promotes "Fur is Murderous!" protests at upcoming Rallies.

 

Arizona Recount Brings in Pandas to Detect Bamboo Ballots

“Each ballot cast for Biden is offered to a panda and, if the animal eats it, we know it was made from bamboo brought in from China and, therefor, a vote stolen from Trump,” said a Cyber Ninja spokesman, adding, “True, the bear will have eaten the hard evidence but, that's just more proof that only the uneaten ballots are legitimate.”  

Giuliani Calls FBI Raid on His Home and Office "A Blatant Attempt at Enforcing the Rule of Law"

"I haven't seen such reckless disregard for justice since the last time I did it," says Trump lawyer and former New York City Mayor.

 

Mom's Apple Pie Denounces Georgia's Restrictive Voting Laws, Stands with Coca-Cola and Baseball

Hot dogs, Chevrolet schedule press conferences to state positions.

 

Fearing Violation of Commerce Statutes, Georgia Legislature OK’s the Selling of Water to Voters Waiting in Line

Ban on giving it away remains in place.

 

Office of VP Harris Denies Rumor She Requested Major Biden Accompany Her to Senate for Tie-Breaking Votes

First dog’s only official duty for now is attending Oval Office Meetings with GOP Leadership; will spend most time in Delaware to avoid appearance of being "Beltway Insider".

 

Mar-a-Lago Secedes from Florida & U.S., Declaring Itself Independent Principality Without Extradition Treaty with New York, Georgia

“If those weirdos in Key West can do it,” tweeted out President for Life Donald Trump, “Then so can I! Long live Mar-a-Lago!”

At a brief press conference following the tweeted announcement, a spokesman said details about the form of government (“Think Cayman Islands but, smaller and not an island”) in the new 17-acre micronation-state are still being hammered out, including the levels and cost of citizenship and the degrees of diplomatic immunity on offer to residents who travel “abroad” but warned, “If you have to ask, you probably can’t afford it.”

 

Remake of “Rip Van Winkle” in Which He Sleeps Through Trump Administration to be Titled “Lucky Bastard”

Renowned movie-beard growers Tom Hanks and George Clooney being considered for lead role.

 

Do You Want $3 of Your Federal Tax to Go Toward Paying for the Trump Children’s Secret Service Detail?

IRS Reviewing 11th-Hour Request to Amend Federal Election Commission’s Matching Campaign Fund Line on Tax Forms