Ant Farmer's Almanac

Marines Deployed to Los Angeles Stuck in Traffic on the 405

Best guesses at an ETA downtown are, "Sometime next week".

 

Clarence Thomas Offers Trump His Luxury RV Until Qatari Jet is Ready

"At least while the Court is in session or unless Ginni's using it," clarifies the Justice.

 

White House Gift Shop Now Selling MAGA Golf Pencils. Limit of Five per Customer

A new line of so-called "Collectible Commemorative Authentic Presidential MAGA Golf Pencils" is now on Sale at the White House Gift Shop as well as online and at LIV golf events. The 3/5-inch #2 HB pencils, pre-sharpened, are red with 45 MAGA 47 in large white print that wraps nearly around their circumference. Advertised as "Just like the ones your favorite president and multiple golf tournament champion, Donald J. Trump uses!" $50 for a box of five, one box per customer. A "Premium" collector's edition, featuring gold-ish colored pencils (the barrel, the lead is still #2 HB), one from each box of five "guaranteed" to have been used in drafting an Executive Order, is on offer for $500.

 

"Maybe Carriers Get Only Two or Three Planes Instead of 30," Suggests Trump, "Or Maybe Seven"

The president responds to loss of a second $65 Million jet fighter from the aircraft carrier Harry S Truman.

 

Trump Denounces Papal Election as "Rigged" and Refuses to Say He'd Accept Results Unless Orange Smoke Rises from Sistine Chimney

In a Rambling Interview, President Trump Insisted That—If It's Not Him—the Next Pope Should at Least be American; "And from the Real America, Not Fake, Like South or Latin."

The president also asserted that, pope or not, he should be granted the power to confer sainthood. "Presidential pardons are terrific, but sainthood? That'd be a beautiful thing, wouldn't it? That could come in very handy", adding, "It would really be in their best interest to let me do that, it'd be such a shame to see the Vatican suddenly get hit with high tariffs on all rosaries, gold crosses and communion wafers coming out of there."

 

Shirtless Pete Hegseth Detained by ICE at Gym Over Tattoo Misinterpretation

Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth was briefly detained and questioned by Immigration and Customs Enforcement after reports that an aggressively loud shirtless man with several menacing gang-style tattoos was being disruptive and disturbing the other customers at a gym in Arlington, Virginia. 

ICE agents who arrived on the scene took Hegseth aside and were trying to calm him down when they recognized who he was and confirmed that his tattoos indicated affiliation with American White Supremacy rather than MS-13 membership. 

After profusely apologizing to Secretary Hegseth and promising to wash his car for a month, the agents then let the staff and clients at the gym off with a warning 'this time', but took down their names and put them on a "Snowflake Watchlist".

 

Trump Imposes Steep Tariff on Canadian Cold Fronts

"For far too long," said President Trump this morning, "Canada has unfairly sent its cold weather down to the U.S., making it hard to Make America Great Again. How do you do that when it's too cold to go outside? Winters like no one has ever seen before in terms of wind and also temperature and snow... no golf, you can't even go golfing, if you can imagine that... I think they're getting it from Greenland, the cold, it's cold there you know, JD discovered that; no one ever knew that before. Since I began speaking, representatives from Canada have arrived, big Canadians, Mounties, tears in their eyes, 'Sir,' they say, offering me poutine, 'Sir,' can we please have a meeting..."

 

During LA Dodgers' Visit to White House, Shohei Ohtani Gets Pulled into Chinese Tariff Negotiations and Mookie Betts is Added to National Security Signal Group Chat

Despite limited English-language skills and no knowledge of Chinese at all, Ohtani successfully explained the infield fly rule to both sides. Betts, meanwhile, fended off suspicious inquiries about his identity from the chat group with a series of random emojis. 

Several other players were rounded up on their way to the Oval Office photo op by "overzealous" ICE agents, and transported "Back to where  they came from," namely, Brooklyn.

Upon hearing of the Dodgers' visit, Elon Musk stated, "What are they doing there? They should be hacking into the Department of Homeland Security's mainframe this afternoon.

 

"Just Fire Anyone You Wouldn't Want Your Sister Bringing Home for Thanksgiving"

J.D. Vance's team of Anti-Woke Warriors receives clarification on Trump's Executive Order to remove "Improper Ideology" from the National Zoo and the Smithsonian Institution.

 

White House Denies Wrongdoing by National Security Group Text Using Signal, Leak of Classified War Plan, Inclusion of Reporter, Existence of Yemen

"That's with a 'Y', right?" asked the president at a press conference this morning, "Not a 'J' with some weird accent?"

 

Hegseth Promises to Use Ham Radio for all Future National Security Group Chats

Facing backlash for using Signal, a commercial texting service, to discuss the details of an upcoming airstrike on Yemen, and, on top of that including in the chat a journalist from The Atlantic magazine, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth and others involved swore on a stack of Trump/Lee Greenwood Bibles® that they'd learned their lesson and would use ham radio for all future communications with the group, saying, "It'll be like those code-talking Indians from that movie, even if, according to the Pentagon website, they don't exist," adding, "And we'll make sure any journalist included is somebody I know from Fox."

"Come on Down to White House Tesla, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Where Interest Meets Conflict for a Beautiful Deal Like You've Never Seen Before on Your Favorite President's Favorite Car That Isn't a Heavily Armored Cadillac Escalade!"

Tesla Introduces Limited Edition "Model 47"

The new Tesla model "Model 47" will hit showrooms on April 2. The vehicle, nicknamed the "Covfefe," an otherwise standard Model 3, will be clad in "MAGA Hat Red," feature special badging and is guaranteed to have been sat in by the 47th president or at least someone named Trump.

Buyers will bid from a starting price of $40k and there is no reserve. Auctioning will take place at the White House Portico and be televised live on Fox News, NewsMax, One America News, C-SPAN and Motor Trend TV.

Rumors that a series of television commercials for the car will be taped by Elon Musk and Donald Trump, to be shown during late-night programming, could not be confirmed at press time but, White House insiders say they have overheard the president rehearsing such phrases as, "Own a Tesla and own the libs!" and "It's the American dream car come true! Get yours TODAY!"

 

Leaked Report: Lack of Gratitude for His Protecting Airports During American Revolution Cause of Trump's Hostility Toward FAA

"Not a single thank you. Not one. They're lucky I don't just disband the whole thing," Trump has said to close advisors as well as anyone standing near him at Mar-a-Lago. The report also claims the president's animosity toward Canada stems from their siding with the British in 1776 and 1812.

 

Obama Offers Zelenskyy His Old Tan Suit Should He Ever Need to Return to the Trump White House

A spokesman for the former U.S. president could neither confirm or deny that a similar offer had been made to Elon Musk.

 

Trump Threatens to Buy Philadelphia Eagles as Revenge if Super Bowl LIX Winning Team Rebuffs Invite to White House

"The prospect of Donald Trump taking charge of the Eagles, however remote," said one long-time sports reporter, "Should chill the blood of anyone who remembers what he did to the New Jersey Generals and the USFL," adding, "The only thing worse would be if he sent Elon Musk to run things." 

 

Musk Demands Everyone on Social Security Provide List of 5 Things They Did Last Week or Face Losing Benefits

Most common responses:

'Threw phone across room after third phone scam of the day'

'Babysat grandkids while their parents worked at second and third jobs'

'Stood in kitchen for a long time trying to remember why I'd gone in there'

'Rehearsed with old-guy garage band and exchanged opinions on whether Viagra or Cialis works better'

'Told some damn kids to get off my lawn'

 

Geraldo Rivera to Open Fort Knox Vault on Live TV

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" said the former crusading journalist, adamantly denying today's White House press release. "Nobody asked me to do that, and if they do, I'll say no," adding, "I'm not falling for that again."

 

Governor Hochul Seeks "Path Forward" for NYC Mayor Adams that Begins with a Single Shove Out the Back Door of City Hall

"We haven't decided whether it will be the service door near the trash bins," said a spokesman for the governor, "Or whichever rear exit has the most room for photographers and longest walk to the parking lot," adding, "After that, we really don't care where he goes."

 

Musk Removes the Letters "DE" to Create "Feral" Government

"In this instance," says the billionaire-without-portfolio, "Two out of three is the right amount." The DOGE Team is also working on extracting the letter "n" from the word "government" because, "That's how everybody already pronounces it, anyway."

 

Latest Executive Order Lets Elon Musk Decide Outcome of Super Bowl LIX with Trump Signaling Winner via Thumbs-Up/Thumbs-Down Gesture from Stadium Skybox

"Whether the Eagles win or lose," said an experienced oddsmaker on game day, "There's gonna be a lotta broken store windows and burnt police cars in Philly tomorrow morning."

 

"Molly of Denali" Retitled "Molly of McKinley"

In related news: CBS pauses production of its three FBI series until further notice. Rumors are swirling of a Trumpish retooling entitled, "FBI: The Revengening", or that it would continue as "FBI: The Multiverse", more sci-fi-ish and with differing timelines and parallel universe storylines, including an outlandish one that continues as if the rule of law was still the law of the land.