Ant Farmer's Almanac

MAGA Calls for the Right Rev. Mariann Edgar Budde to be Deported Back to Episcopalia

As Trump an his acolytes ponder vengeance on the Episcopal Bishop for having urged the new president to abide by at least some of the teachings of Christ, a loose affiliation of progressive activists are rallying around her and calling themselves "Buddists". 

 

J.D. Vance Eager to Meet His Associates and Get to Work Ranking Car Values

Trump to Take Oath of Office on Five Foot-Tall Stack of His Own Bibles to be Sold on eBay

The stack of 30 2"-thick American Patriot's Bible®, on which Trump will be sworn in as the 47th President of the United States, will be signed by him and offered for sale on eBay to the highest bidders, with a reserve price of $999.95. But wait -- An additional 1,000 copies of the APB® that are "guaranteed" to have been in or near the Capitol Rotunda during the ceremony, will also go on sale, albeit unsigned and at a reserve price of $499.95. 

 

 

Fearing Crowd Size Shrinkage, Trump Moves Inauguration Indoors

"This last happened in 1985, for Ronald Regan's second inaugural," explains a Trump transition team spokesman. Asked if the move reflects any worries about William Henry Harrison's having caught pneumonia at his frigid 1841 swearing-in and dying a month later, the spokesman replied, "Oh, you don't really think Mr. Trump even knows about that, do you?"

 

Gravitas No Longer a Thing, Say Experts

"Seriously, when's the last time you heard anybody use that word?" asks Christian Marder, head of the Lexographic and Linguistics Department of the Underhill Institute, who gauges the use and currency of words and phrases. "It's a shame, really, but that's what happens when a society stops putting value on something."

 

"It's Dead, Jim" to Replace "Democracy Dies in Darkness" as Washington Post Slogan

Other suggested updates to the paper's slogan included, "Might Makes Right," "All Hail, Dear Leader," "Anything You Say, Boss," and "We Never Said Democracy Couldn't Die in Broad Daylight in Full View of Multiple Witnesses." 

 

At Confirmation Hearings, Hegseth Vows to Rename All US Military Bases for Confederate Heroes, Make all Branches' Dress Uniforms Gray

"Gray was a good enough color for those who patriotically rebelled against this country then and it's good enough for those who defend it now," says potential Secretary of the Department of Defense.

 

"That They Never Got a Chance to Break Stuff in the Capitol Building or Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk Should be Punishment Enough"

Incoming Vice President J.D. Vance says only convicted January 6th participants who "Didn't commit violent acts," should be pardoned by president Donald Trump.

 

Trump Organization Pledges to Look Up Definition of "Ethics"

"We meant to do this at the beginning of the first Trump administration, as it was all new to us and were unsure how it fit in with our business model," said a company spokesman, on condition of anonymity, "But then we got all bogged down with the investigations, indictments, conflicts of interest, laundering hush money payoffs, lawsuits, cover-ups, hiring lawyers, not paying them, hiring new lawyers, filing paperwork to delay court appearances and all," adding, "Mind you, this is only regarding the businesses Trump has interests in, not anything about his behavior as president."

 

"Wait, What? Facebook Had Fact-Checking?!?" Most Common Reaction to Zuckerberg's Announcement that Meta Will No Longer Be Verifying Truthfulness of Posts

"How were we supposed to know that?" say many Facebook and Instagram users, expressing surprise that such a job even existed. "They must be kind of relieved that it's all over," said one respondent, expressing sympathy for those whose job it (allegedly) was to sift through every post on Facebook and Instagram for factual accuracy and verifiable sourcing, "It's like the proverbial worker in the BMW factory who installs the turn signals. Oh, the futility!"

 

The 100 Monkeys from Discontinued Typing Shakespeare Experiment Reassigned to Write Trump’s Inauguration Speech and Social Media Posts

At a press conference announcing the end of their decades-long experiment to test whether 100 primates given 100 typewriters could recreate the works of William Shakespeare, Underhill Institute spokesman Reese McKee said, "After concluding that this outcome was too remote to warrant further study, we decided to lower the bar and contract out the test subjects for use by the incoming presidential administration," he continued, "The smarter dozen-or-so who've mastered the QWERTY keyboard will be working on the inauguration speech," McKee said, proudly, "The rest, many of whom never got past the 'flinging their own feces at each other phase' will staff the White House press office and oversee social media postings."

 

Musk Offers Every Undocumented Immigrant Currently in America Free Ride Back to Their Country of Origin in Self-Driving Tesla

“Sure, it won’t be cheap,” admits the multi-billionaire, “But, it’s still way less than I spent buying the presidency.”

 

“They’re Angels!" Final Drone Theory Takes Christmas-Themed Turn

"It's not as outrageous an idea as it might sound at first," says Syd Hartha, head of the Theology Department at the Underhill Institute, "Angels aren't just ghosts with wings. Biblical descriptions of angels of the lord manifesting themselves to humans include swirling balls of light, beings with four faces, a head of many eyes and a burning bush, so, some drones? Not really so far off brand."

 

"Jeez, What Did We Ever Do to You?!" Greece Reacts to Kimberly Guilfoyle's Appointment as US Ambassador

"What, was Nia Vardalos unavailable?"

"They're Not Sending Their Best, They're Sending Criminals" Say Countries About Trump's Ambassadorial Nominees

In other news: Hunter Biden's pardon now qualifies him for a job in the new administration's Diplomatic Corps.

Trump Vows to Ban Taco Tuesdays on Day One

Stating that, "Closing the southern border is only the beginning," the president-elect forcefully insisted, "We must also eradicate all the pernicious influences of the brazen immigrants among us, even -- especially -- those who've been here for generations and established a beachhead on the American Dream," adding, "All things taco, be they Bell, Del, truck or Tuesday, they'd better make a run for the border, pronto!"

Asked about nachos, Mr. Trump responded, "No, Texas stole those fair and square; they're American now."

 

Matt Gaetz Applies for Trump's Old Job at McDonald's

The newly unemployed former Florida congressman says his long experience with teenagers would be a plus for any fast-food franchise. 

 

"Nuke First, Ask Questions Later" is New Russian Nuclear Policy

"Maybe sometime after, we get confirmation of actual threat," said a spokesman for Putin's military attache, who would not respond to questions about how much this new policy resembles Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law.

 

Trump to Grant Independence to Epstein's Island, Establish Diplomatic Relations and Appoint Matt Gaetz as "Cultural Attache for Life"

An overheard conversation at Mar-a-Lago has revealed that within the first week of the second Trump administration, the new president would grant independence to the US Virgin Island of St. James, once owned by and now known as "Epstein's Island", and install former Florida representative Matt Gaetz as a "Cultural Attache". Also, and in what insiders insist is purely a coincidence, the new nation will have no extradition treaty with the U.S. 

 

Jake Paul Named Deputy Attorney General

His first "assignment" is to "Help Merrick Garland clear out his desk."

Trump Vows to Continue Work Started by Guy Who Shit on Nancy Pelosi's Desk on January 6

Florida Congressman Matt Gaetz Tapped for US Attorney General.