Ant Farmer's Almanac

Martians Attack Our Town

A Mercurial Theater of Thin Air Production
Starring Orson Welles as The Stage Manager
(Recently discovered transcript of a recording of the only rehearsal for an unproduced collaboration between Orson Welles and Thornton Wilder)

STAGE MANAGER (Welles)

Enters stage right and stands near the wings. Wearing a bow tie, tweed jacket and corduroy trousers, he pulls a pipe from his pocket, puts it in his mouth, pulls a match from another pocket and begins to light the pipe. He suddenly stops and addresses someone offstage

Why am I lighting a pipe with nothing in it? Am I supposed to have a pipe already full of tobacco just sitting in my pocket? Who does that? What? I don’t actually light the pipe? Just start to, then begin talking instead? Alright, that makes more sense but, wouldn’t it be better if I began filling the pipe before not lighting it? I mean. . . okay have it your way. Still, I’ve lost all credibility before I’ve even said a word, at least with anyone in the audience who’s ever smoked a pipe. . . I mean, there’s suspension of disbelief and there’s rank stupidity. . .

Turns from scowling offstage to address audience

Grovers Mill... I mean, Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

Couldn’t it be a cigar? That would be better for me. . . No? Alright, alright, the script, yes, yes, yes, I heard you.

Addressing audience again

Grover’s Corners. Nice Little town, know what I mean?
Over there’s the church, there’s the steeple, look inside,
there’s all the . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

What? Of course I’ve read it. I glanced at it just before coming out here. Do you mind? Let me get on with it.

Addressing audience again

It’s a pleasant enough village, albeit unremarkable in every way, except for the large, fiery meteors falling from the sky over Main Street, landing on the town hall and post office as well as over on the wrong side of the tracks where the Italians, Poles and Irish live, crushing the only decent bakery in town. . . oh, the cannoli!

There’s panic everywhere. The meteors aren’t meteors! They’re spaceships! A hatch is opening and a creature is emerging, a Martian! Ladies and gentlemen, words cannot begin to describe the scene before me . . . 

Turns to face offstage right again

So, now I’m supposed to describe something I’ve just said is indescribable and do it without using words? With what, then? Shadow puppets? Mime? Interpretive dance? Also, do they have to be Martians? That’s such a cliche. Why not Venusians, Plutonians, Neptunites? They’re made up, they can be from wherever we like.

You’re damn right I’m lighting a cigar. . . Well, If they can be Martians this cigar can be a pipe. Can we move this along? I’ve got a frozen peas commercial to record in an hour. 

 

Coming Soon!

Random Idea No. 674

Postings Alert

Attention loyal readers... ha, just kidding. Attention people who wound up here looking for pictures through google images, posting will be sporadic for a while; my book is about to be launched and another (if all goes well) will quickly follow. Bulletins about them as they break. In the meantime, poke around here, enjoy some of the older stuff (it ages surprisingly well), and go over and visit celebrity death haiku since you're already in the neighborhood. 

 

Random Thought No. 250,000 (More or Less)

From now on, anyone arguing in favor of extending the tax cuts for those making more than $250,000 must disclose whether they personally make $250,000 or more; and, if they're arguing against extending the tax cuts and make more than $250,000, they should probably have their heads examined...

Voices You Don't Ever Want to Hear Coming Out of Your GPS:

 

Gilbert Gottfried

 Fran Drescher

  Elmo

   Chewbacca

    Jar-Jar Binks

     Marcel Marceau

      Your mom

Separated at Birth?

Conservative Candidate for Governor of New York Rick Lazio/MSNBC Host Rachel Maddow . . .

Honestly, though, who's really got the better hair?

Random Though No. 66

I may disagree with what you say, but will defend to the death your right to say it . . .  

but if it comes to that because of some really stupid shit you said, I also reserve the right to take you with me.

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

Rejected Pin-Up Girl Calendar Themes

Miss Alignment
(Auto Shops)

Miss Spelling
(Dictionary Publishers)

Miss Diagnosis
(Nursing Schools)

Miss Direction
(Maps)

Miss Herd
(Cowboys with hearing loss)

Because Maybe Wishful Thinking Really DOES Work After All...

Headline at CNN.com: Why Has Paris Hilton Disappeared?

Make it happen again! Make it happen again!

Sesame Street Nixes New "Cougar" Muppet

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Plans for a new Sesame Street character named "Mercury the Cougar," have been hastily scrapped after the would-be Muppet got fiercely negative responses from focus groups. 

Intended to be part of a year-long "Over 40" theme celebrating the show's 40th year on the air, Mercury was a muppet-of-a-certain-age with a mountain lion-inspired face and an eye for the younger set. 

Test audiences, however, were revolted by the character's baby-doll negligee that revealed sheer black stockings, garter belt and merry widow underneath. Reactions to Mercury's breathily voiced attentions toward Elmo and flirtatious manner with Big Bird ranged from "Ewwwwww" and "That's just wrong in so many ways" to audience members rushing the stage to attack the puppeteers.

Wardrobe aside, it may have been Mercury's ever-present wine spritzer and her catchphrase, "Happy to see me or just glad it's not Jeff Dunham's arm up your ass?" that proved to be the last straw. 

Sources inside the venerable children's show production company say that all of the prototypes for Mercury have been disassembled and an intern has been assigned to monitor YouTube for any test footage that might have got out of the studio. 

In Other News: Facebook will now allow linking to imaginary friends.

Definitively Speaking

Proposed New Words for the Next Edition of the Dictionary

"Teachable Moment"  When a public figure or media personage is shocked, SHOCKED! by something to which the only reasonable, common sense response should be, "Well, duh!

Vexhater  1: Someone who acts in an irritating and annoying manner in order to promote or incite hate.  

2: Someone who is hated for being so irritating and annoying. 

Zygotic  Mental state resulting from unsuccessful attempts to conceive. 

White Stuff People Like

Snow

Paper

Cocaine

Whipped Cream (see also; Reddi-Wip and Cool-Whip)

Sheets

Shirts

Teeth

Sugar

Christmas

Noise

Summertime Fun Tipsheet

Tip No. 26: Cooking With Beer

1) Open a beer.

2) Cook something.

Many Happy Returns

Reincarnation-Themed Greeting Cards

Stop Bragging, We All Did Shirley MacLaine at Some Point

I Liked You Better as a Woolly Mammoth

Can You Still Do That Thing With Your Tongue?

No, Dear,  I  Was Cleopatra

It Could Be Worse, You Could Have Come Back as a Blogger

So, You Don't Remember Where We Hid the Loot, Either?

Don't Worry; You Get Used to Not Having a Tail

Better Luck Next Time

Well, At Least Maybe This Time (pick one):

• You'll Look Before You Leap

• You Won't Have to Have to be Lead Around on a Leash... Unless You're Into That 

• You'll Know Better Than to Trust Me

• We're Not Related, Because That Would Make Us Being Married Way Creepy

• You'll Believe the Park Rangers About the Bears

• Somebody Asked You to the Prom. No, Oooh, Sorry

• You'll Wait That Half-Hour Before Swimming 

Random Though No. 63

I came across the old phrase "Hired Goons" recently and wondered, were there ever "Volunteer Goons"? And, when you do need to hire some goons, where do you find them? Do you place an ad in the New York Times? Monster.com? Craigslist? 

New Maladies for 2004

Look for these conditions soon

Adult Onset Selective Situational Tourette's Syndrome® (AOSSTS). 

Cause: Someone pisses you off. 

Symptom: You hurl obscenities at them. 

Pet Induced Stress Disorder® (PISD). 

Cause: Having a pet. 

Symptom: If you have to ask, you don't have a dog. 

The AC

Southern California air-conditioning magnate Ace Connor tries to keep his cool amid the antics of his troublesome brood; his hottie second wife (is she as wayward as she is willfull?); his prodigal oldest son, back from who knows where for who knows how long; the hot-tempered younger son, resentful at being pushed aside and slavishly devoted to; his embittered mother, as cold as the ice in her ever-present highball, she seeks comfort in booze, boy toys and plots of revenge; and, the smoking-hot step-daughter — are her wanton ways her way of rebelling or is she a cold-blooded schemer after Ace's cool millions? 

YOUR AD HERE: A Modest Proposal

Truth in Advertising and Vice Versa 

AN EDITORIARL COMMENT FROM THE ANT FARMER'S ALMANAC EDITORIAL COMMENTORS

Corporate sponsors routinely splash their names all over events or stadium they've ponied up the money to name after themselves. It's as American as Mom's Apple Pie®. Yet, when it comes to sponsoring politicians corporations get all bashful about which elected officials are on their payroll. 

This doesn't make any sense to us. 

You'd think they would insist that the elected officials they've bought and paid for wear their brand proudly. Athletes wear the gear of whatever shoe and equipment company pays them to. Right up until they get arrested, after which they're dropped faster than, well, an athlete endorser who's been arrested. . . 

Shouldn't politicians be held to at least the same standard of corporate sponsorship ethics as professional athletes? We here at the Ant Farmer's Almanac think so. 

We propose the following: Anyone running for elected office should have to wear a NASCAR-style jump suit, emblazoned with patches displaying the names, logos, trademarks, etc., of all their contributors. 

Each of these patches would be sized and placed proportionately according to the amount of the contribution. The largest contributors' names would be bigger and placed prominently enough — chest level, say — to always be visible above a lectern, podium or other object(s) that the candidate might be standing behind. This would also give cameramen the option of shooting the backsides of candidates just for the fun of seeing what small-fry contributor is on the guy's butt. 

Once elected, the officeholder would be legally obligated to wear the jump suit during business hours and to any and all public functions and appearances, at any speaking engagement anywhere, any time and especially at sessions of whatever legislative body he is a part of. 

The advantages are obvious. First, everyone would know who paid to get this guy in office and, therefore, who's holding his leash. He can deny that there's any connection between that pharmaceutical company's $100,000 campaign "contribution" and his vote against a bill allowing manufacture of a generic version of that company's biggest seller, and maybe there isn't one, but the public will get valuable insight into his thinking process. Many of the athletes who wear-for-pay don't appear in any traditional advertisments for the brand or claim it makes them perform better; it's implied and fans are left to draw their own conclusions. 

It doesn't have to be all negative, either. Who wouldn't like a politician sporting, say, the Coca-Cola logo, front and center. Everybody likes Coke. Have a congressman and a smile! The downside would be that rival companies play out their competition as impromptu infomercials on the floor of the Senate: "Mr. Chairman, point of order! As the senator from PepsiCo I take exception to the preceding statement that 'Things go better with Coke!' and move to strike that remark from the record. . ." 

Even at that, it might even make C-Span almost watchable.