Ant Farmer's Almanac

Drive-Thru Vatican Rag

Irish Times: Galway Parish Reports Record Numbers at New Drive-Thru Ash Wednesday Service

First you fiddle with your keys,
Dangling from your rosaries,
Drive like mad then sit and wait,
And, don't tailgate, don't tailgate, don't tailgate

In whichever gear is needed,
Inch along don't be impeded!
Watch your mouth in this slow processional,
It could land you in confessional!

Two, four, six, eight,
At least there's no collection plate!

Tempting though it is to pass,
On this novel drive-thru mass,
If your seatbelt's not a chafer,
Go on, supersize that wafer,

Sundays, heathens do as they pleases,
Honk if you love dashboard Jesus

Ave Maria, 
She's behind you in a KIA!
Doin' the Drive-Thru,
Doin' the Drive-Thru,
Drive-Thru Vatican Rag!

 

With deepest apologies to Tom Lehrer and thanks to Chris Parkin for spotting this news item.

 

Trump Appoints the Late Fred Phelps, Westboro Baptist Church Founder, U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican

NEW YORK (AFA NewsWire) Via Twitter, President-elect Donald J. Trump announced his intention to appoint the late Fred Phelps, founder of the Westboro Baptist Church, as U.S. Ambassador to the Vatican.

Reactions to the tweet were mixed, ranging from mild surprise, given Trump's penchant for choosing people openly hostile to their intended positions and Westboro Baptist's animosity toward Catholicism, to shock and outrage because Mr. Phelps has been dead since 2014.

Asked if Mr. Trump knew that Phelps was deceased and, if so, understood the sort of message his posting would send to the Vatican and to the world, Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway responded, "Is the Pope Catholic?"

 

 

Trump Drops Out of Race, Declares Himself 15th Dalai Lama

Vows to "Make Buddhism Great Again"

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Less than 24 hours after abruptly ending his bid for the U.S. presidency, real estate mogul and reality TV star Donald J. Trump declared himself the 15th Dalai Lama, latest incarnation of the bodhisattva Avalokitesvara, spiritual leader of the Tibetan people and millions of buddhists worldwide.

An audible gasp rose from the crowd assembled in Trump Tower when The Donald appeared wearing traditional Tibetan monk's robes and, most shockingly, with his head completely shaved clean.

Smiling beatifically amid the clicks and whirs of cameras, Trump, or "The Dalai," as he is now called, addressed the audience. "I know what you're thinking, 'Why me? Why now?' Well, the 14th Dalai Lama just hasn't got the job done; he didn't keep the Chinese out of Tibet, didn't make buddhism as huge as it could be..." The Dalai paused, "But I will be phenomenal, I will do for buddhism what I have done for American politics!"

"I gotta tell you, so far, I'm really liking this whole incarnation thing," The Dalai continued, "These robes... terrifically comfortable, unrestricted, very freeing, and this," he added, rubbing both hands across the top of his newly bald pate, "It's like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders."

The nearest The Dalai-formerly-known-as-Trump came to offering any insight or explanation about his sudden transformation was to say, "The original buddha, that first guy, like myself, started out rich but, where his chosen path to enlightenment meant giving up all worldly goods... well, let's just say I'm going in a different direction."

The Dalai then hinted at some of his immediate plans, "We're in talks with developers about a ski resort/casino complex near Lhasa," adding, "And maybe some condos."

Just as the room erupted with questions, The Dalai excused himself, citing "urgent spiritual business," shouting back to the crowd as he exited, "Namaste, hare krishna, whatever."

Asked for comment about his self-appointed successor, Lhamo Dondrub, the 14th Dalai Lama, thought for a moment then replied, "Well, I guess if it's between him or some kid chosen by the Chinese government... "

 

ILLUSTRATION BY LEO LAND

Today in Yesteryear

1990: Salman Rushdie, condemned to death in a fatwah by an Iranian mullah, contributes $8,600 to help Iranian earthquake victims; unmoved, most of his would-be assassins now plan on taking his wallet as well as whacking him.

Missionary Position

NEW YORK (AFA Fashion NewsWire) The hit Broadway musical The Book of Mormon, that swept this year's Tony Awards (winning a total of nine awards, including Best Musical), has also kicked off an unexpected — and unlikely — fashion trend among urban hipsters. 

Within hours of the musical's Tony triumph, young men in the trendier precincts of Manhattan were seen sporting the characteristic short-sleeved white shirts, narrow tie (preferably clip-on), black slacks and black shoes polished to a high sheen favored by Mormon missionaries. 

The style has been dubbed the "Look of Mormon."  

"Admittedly, there's only a fine line between the delicious camp of 'The Look of Mormon' and 'Fashion-Challenged Neo-Nerd'," concedes fashion consultant Trent Fowler, "But there are rules. First: no white socks — they're earnest, these missionary boys, not idiotic two: no plastic pocket protectors. If you see someone wearing more-or-less this ensemble, but with either white socks or an old-fashion pocket protector in their shirt, what you've got is either a middle school math teacher, an FBI intern or a NASA engineer magically transported here from 1967."

While knapsacks and ironic glasses (non-prescription lenses) are popular accessories, so far name tags or sincere, deeply-held religious convictions have not caught on.

 

Top 10 Excuses for Why the World Didn't End on May 21, 2011, Like Radio Minister Harry Camping Said it Would:

10) Mayan restraining order prohibits end of world before December 21, 2012.

9) Overslept. 

8) No, no, no, that's when As the World Turns ends. 

7) It was supposed to be a surprise, but once word got out, God changed the date (he can do that, you know). 

6) Really curious how they'll pull off Ashton Kutcher's replacing Charlie Sheen.

5) Just not feeling all that "raptury." 

4) Haven't sold all of the "It's the End of the World and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt" t-shirts, yet. 

3) Couldn't find a sitter.

2) Wanted to see what kind of crazy stunt Donald Trump pulls next. 

1) Traffic. 

 

Aqua Buddhism Older Than Originally Thought

Before Rand Paul was even a twinkle in Ron Paul's eye (much less a bong-toting frat boy), men — famous, important, successful men — were part of a select, semi-secret possibly even ancient brotherhood of those who sought the guidance and wisdom of the Aqua Buddha. Men of such caliber* as Burgess Meredith, Norman Rockwell and Major George Fielding Eliot.** They, as so many before them and not much more than a handful since, have followed the Aqua Buddha's path to roused circulation and braced skin, the kind everyone enjoys looking at.

  *.38.
** Look him up in wikipedia; do I have to do everything?

Hell to Pay

After His Recent Gaffe, Elton John's Afterlife Gig Gets Sudden Change of Venue

 

Scene: a huge, opulent office. Visible through a window behind an enormous oak desk with singe marks on it is a dark cavern illuminated by occasional flashes of flame from below. On various ledges, demons poke at the damned with pitchforks. Seated behind the desk is the Devil himself. His phone rings.

LUCIFER

Presses "answer" button on phone and adjusts his earpiece while continuing to surf the web.

Yallo!

JESUS

Heard only through phone.

Hey, Luke, it's me.

LUCIFER

Hey, bro, where you been? Haven't talked to you since your birthday.

JESUS

Yeah, I was gonna call right after the Oscars; I figured you'd be pretty busy till then.

LUCIFER

Whoa, tell me about it. Between them, tax time and the mid-term elections, I won't get a break for months. So, what's up?

JESUS

I'm throwing you a freebie soul. A big one. A real get.

LUCIFER

A little suspicious.

You're doing me a favor? If it's Tiger Woods or the CEO of Toyota, you're wasting your breath, because I already got . . . Hey, wait a minute — it's not another televangelist is it?

JESUS

No, no, no, nothing like that.

LUCIFER

Okay, okay. I'll bite. Who is it?

JESUS

Elton John.

LUCIFER

Elton John? The Yellow Brick Road, Rocket Man, Candle in the Wind Elton John?

JESUS

The same.

LUCIFER

Jeez, what'd he do? I thought he was a lock for your team.

JESUS

Well, he was.

LUCIFER

Checking computer screen.

I don't see him on the schedule; what's the hurry? 

JESUS

Something he said.

LUCIFER

Something he said? You're damning his soul to an eternity of fire and brimstone for an utterance? That's kinda harsh. Must be a doozy.

JESUS

Yeah, he, um, said, ehhhhh; well, he said I was gay.

LUCIFER

Does spit take with coffee he'd just sipped and then laughs.

JESUS

Hey, it's not funny!

LUCIFER

Oh, yes it is. C'mon, really? For that? After everything that's been said about you for all this time? You've been called way worse.

JESUS

Agitated

Well that's it exactly. It's not that there's anything wrong with it, I've just had it with everybody presuming to reinterpret me as whatever suits them; revolutionary, reactionary, groovy nature boy, rock star, smiter of rival sports teams and political parties, nutritionist,  banker. . . ! Personal savior, yes; Rorschach test, no. Enough, already! 

LUCIFER

While squinting at something his computer screen.

I take your point, but I think you're being a little touchy about this one. . . Hey, it says here that he also said you were smart. You don't credit for that often enough, if you ask me.

JESUS

Nice of you to say so, but do you want him or not?

LUCIFER

Sure, sure. I can put him to good use. God knows how many people hate Crocodile Rock. . .

JESUS

Yes He does.

LUCIFER

Typing.

Okay, he's in. I owe you one. Oh, before I forget, whose in charge of the Oscar Pool this year?

JESUS

Gabriel. You want he should call you?

LUCIFER

No, I'll text him once I've made all my picks. Ten nominees? What a joke.

 

Lying now.

Oh, gotta run, I have another call...

JESUS

Aware he's being lied to.

Mm, hmm. Yeah, right. Later.

Face of Virgin Mary Sighted in Painting of Virgin Mary

 

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Pandemonium erupted at the Metropolitan Museum of Art Thursday when a visiting group of parochial schoolchildren claimed to have seen the image of the Virgin Mary.

The commotion began when the 4th graders, on a field trip from St. Michael's School in Red Bank, New Jersey, stopped to look at the early Renaissance painting Madonna and Child by Duccio di Buoninsegna.

"It's the face of the Blessed Virgin. Clear as day!" exclaimed Hester Rickle, the children's chaperone, "Right there! It's a sign from above, I tell you, a miracle — a miracle!"

By the time museum personnel stepped in, Ms. Rickle's annunciation of her vision had drawn a sizable crowd. While museum guards kept additional onlookers at bay, Ms. Rickle and several of the children knelt prayerfully, some clutching rosaries.

Ms. Rickle refused to leave her vigil, despite associate curator of European paintings Gale Lilio's assurances that, "Well, yes, it is the face of the Virgin Mary you're seeing in the painting because it's a painting of the Virgin Mary," adding, "That face has been there for 700 years."

Ms. Rickle took this news as further proof of the divine nature of her vision, "Saints be praised!" she shouted, "They see it too! All can share this wondrous gift from heaven!" Ms. Lilio sighed deeply and, as she went for help, was heard muttering, "For this I got a Ph.D. in art history?"

At least one of the students, however, was neither moved or surprised by Ms. Rickle's vision. Said Thomas Dougherty, age 9, "It's like our field trip to the Pepperidge Farm factory when she saw St. Francis of Assisi on a burnded Goldfish cracker."

Museum officials' immediate concern was the danger posed by an impromptu shrine of votive candles and offerings of flowers, photographs and teddy bears in front of the painting. "Any more candles and they'll trigger the sprinkler system," said Ms. Lilio, perusing the growing pile of devotional ephemera, "This stuff didn't even come from our gift shop. I don't know how it got in here."

 

Diebold Sends Voting Machines to Vatican: Bush Elected Pope on First Ballot

Pope George I Vows to Make Catholicism More "Faith Based"

VATICAN CITY (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) After just one round of voting, the College of Cardinals has returned a unanimous decision electing U.S. president George W. Bush as the next pope.

It is believed the landslide win for Mr. Bush is due to the Cardinals having used computerized voting machines donated by the Diebold Company, whose equipment delivered decisive Bush presidential victories in Ohio and Florida in 2004.

While high-ranking church officials and millions of Catholics worldwide were stunned by the news, spokesmen for President Bush accepted the victory in stride. Rumors swirled around Washington and Rome that the Popemobile had already been shipped to California for retrofitting as a Humvee by Arnold Schwarzenegger's favorite customizing shop.

President Bush, aka Pope George I, granted a brief audience to reporters from the basilica of his Crawford, Texas ranch, where he vowed to "...Make the Catholic church more faith-based," and to "Bring Catholics and regular Christians together at last." Mr. Bush was initially enthusiastic about being able to "canonize" people until he was told what it really meant.

Elsewhere, an organization calling itself "Swiss Guard Veterans for Truth" began a campaign of lobbying for the excommunication of Massachusetts Senator John Kerry. Pope George I's newly appointed Grand Inquisitor Karl Rove has denied any knowledge of, connection with, or control over the group.

Reports that Pat Buchanan's and William F. Buckley's heads had exploded could not be confirmed at press time.

Cartoons Under Fire (and Brimstone)

ALEXANDRIA, VA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A militant offshoot of Focus on the Family is broadening that organization's moral crusade against "objectionable" cartoons to include all cartoon talking animals.

Calling itself Families United for the Kibosh of Cartoon Satanism (F.U.K.C.S.), the new group seeks to eradicate all depictions of animals that possess the power of speech, whether animated, computer-generated or sock puppets.

"The only animals in the Bible that can talk are instruments of Satan," says Hugh Bonner, F.U.K.C.S.' founder and point man, "The serpent in the Garden of Eden being only the most prominent example. It logically follows, therefore, that talking animals — in cartoons, or anywhere else, for that matter — are tools of the Devil and their very existence a heresy and an abomination."

"Focus on the Family fell short when they stopped at a cartoon character's gayness or tolerance of other cartoon characters' gayness," continued Bonner, referring to the recent flap over recent questions of Spongebob Squarepants' sexual orientation, "We believe the Satanic control of cartoon animals to be a far greater danger.

"Once a child accepts the idea of animals talking, Lucifer's work is pretty much done," Bonner intoned gravely, "All that's left for him to show up in cute animal form and, whammo, the world is plunged headlong into the fiery depths," Bonner paused and shook his head in dismay, "I don't know why more people aren't worried about this."

While Bonner includes nearly the entire Disney canon, most of Hanna-Babera and Warner Bros., as well as Woody Woodpecker, Mr. Ed, Babe, Dr. Doolittle (all versions), Pogo, Mutts and even Davey and Goliath on his list of handmaidens to the damnation of mankind, Garfield the Cat gets a pass.

"Garfield doesn't actually speak, you see," explained Bonner, "Those are just his thoughts. He never talks to Odie and Jon, so it's okay," adding with a chuckle, "That cat sure does love to eat, heh, heh. He cracks me up."

Madonna's Household Chef Studying Halvah

LONDON, England (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) British tabloids are reporting that Madonna's household chef has been tutored in the secrets of making halvah, an ancient Jewish delicacy.

Sources close to Mary Reilly, the 23-year-old Irish-born cook employed by glam couple Madonna and Guy Ritchie, say she was whisked off for several weeks to Cantor's Delicatessen in Los Angeles to learn the art and mystery of halvah preparation. It is not known whether this is an outgrowth of the Kabbalah-smitten Madonna's exploration into Judaic mysticism or an elaborate way to trick her kids into having fewer sweets.

Often confused with "baklava" by people who've never had either, halvah originated in the Balkans and eastern Mediterranean where it is still believed to be a dessert. The confection is made of ground sesame seeds, honey or sugar syrup, with dried fruit, pistachio nuts and farina and sometimes almonds, cinnamon and cardamon, which are then heated and poured into bars or long loaves. The name means literally 'sweetmeat' and forms of it are found in Turkish, Greek, Yiddish and Arabic cooking (Helva, halwa, halawi, etc.), as well as other cultures whose traditional cuisine predates chocolate.

Also unknown is whether Reilly picked up other traditionally Jewish culinary skills while at L.A.'s famed eatery. However, regulars at a London tea shop frequented by Guy Ritchie report that the film director has stopped ordering his usual Full English Breakfast ("Full Monty") of fried bacon, sausage, mushroom, eggs and tomato in favor of a "Bialy with schmeer."

Asked if she thought her time with the masters of deli fare had been well-spent, Reilly shrugged and replied, "It couldn't hurt."

By Any Other Name

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In a move that has sent shockwaves through the world of musical dinner theater, singer Robert Goulet announced that he has taken a Hebrew name and now wishes to be known as "Shlomo." 

"I've heard a lot about the Kabbalah," said the veteran crooner, speaking from his dressing room in the Tri-County Arts Pavilion and Civic Center in Sapulpa, Oklahoma, as he prepared for his 347,659th performance in Lerner and Loewe's Camelot. "I'm a happening kind of cat," Goulet continued with a straight face, "And if what it takes to make it in show biz these days is to go by a single name inspired by Jewish mysticism that consists of a large body of meditative, devotional and magical practices and speculation on the nature of divinity, the creation, the origin and fate of the soul, then I'm there, baby. Besides, some of my best friends are . . ." Goulet was interrupted at this point and summoned to the stage for his opening number. 

Later, in the theater's lobby, Goulet's manager, J.P. Manley, spoke with reporters. "No, Bob's not 'on something', as has been suggested," said Manley over the strains of "If Ever I Should Leave You" coming from just a few yards away, "He did start taking a new allergy medication recently, but I don't think that's got anything to do with it, so please, let's not start any rumors about a beloved-but-fading matinee idol's heart-rending fight back from addiction that gets his name all over the tabloids and maybe even picked up by some legitimate papers and Entertainment Tonight and sparks some interest in his career." 

Asked if Mr. Goulet's move was prompted by Madonna's recent adoption of the Hebrew name "Esther", Manley replied, "A lot of your A-list gentile celebrities have been taking traditionally Jewish names. Last I heard, Donny Osmond and Tony Orlando were in a nasty court fight over the rights to use the name "Shecky." 

In response to a reporter's bluntly stated theory that this was just a publicity stunt to help land his client the part of Tevye in a production of Fiddler on the Roof scheduled to tour Florida for the next two years, Manley responded curtly, "Hey, he's trying to stay alive in a very competitive business and doing everything he can to keep himself out of Branson, Missouri and I support him in that. He's a real trouper, and if anybody deserves a couple of winters in a nice warm place, it's Bob, er Shlomo." 

As the curtain call applause dwindled and the audience headed for the exits, Manley wrapped up the press conference, saying, "Look, the show's over and Shlomo's gonna really need his "Claritin" right about now." 

Heaven Help Us

Christians Are Flooding Stores With Books Preaching Bible-Inspired Dieting

The Reverend George Malkmus's book, "The Hallelujah Diet," is drawn from Genesis, "What Would Jesus Eat?" by Dr. Don Colbert and "The Weigh Down Diet" by Gwen Shamblin have created eating plans based on scripture and Jordan S. Rubin's "The Maker's Diet." is based on the book of Leviticus. — from ABCNews.com 

New Releases: 

The Pontius Pilates Workout 

Whether fleeing Pharoh's army, sprinting across the muddy bottom of the parted Red Sea or dodging Roman soldiers, Biblical figures stayed in shape while doing God's bidding. And so can you with this inspirational workout book (also available on CD and DVD). 

Rendering Unto Caesar 

Learn how to pay only as much tax as you owe and NOT A PENNY MORE! The Christian way. You heard us, financial advice from the NEW TESTAMENT! Includes estate planning and tips on how to avoid probate. 

The Bible: Books on Tape 

Mel Gibson reads the Good Book, cover to cover, entirely in the original Aramaic. Sound effects by George Lucas' THX and musical accompaniment by Creed, Amy Grant, Sting, various artists. 

They're Just Upset that Jesus' Descendants Would be French

Defenders of Christianity Rebut 'The Da Vinci Code' (New York Times article by Laurie Goodstein, April 28, 2004)

Fearing that the best-selling novel "The Da Vinci Code" may be sowing doubt about basic Christian beliefs, a host of Christian churches, clergy members and Bible scholars are rushing to rebut it. 

Readers have bought more than six million copies of the book, a historical thriller that claims Christianity was founded on a cover-up — that the church has conspired for centuries to hide evidence that Jesus was a mere mortal, married Mary Magdalene and had children whose descendants live in France. 

Hollywood Raises Heck

HOLLYWOOD, CA (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) In anticipation of the strict new "decency" codes that industry insiders expect to see enforced within the next few months, producers of the TV spinoff of the hit movie Hellboy have announced that the title of the series and its main character will be renamed Heckboy. 

"Why take chances?" is how Joseph P. Manley, head of the production company behind Heckboy puts it. "If we don't do it now, we'll just have to do it later when whichever spineless network we sell the show to makes us. Besides, if we wait and do it after the fact, we'll have all the extra costs of redubbing, redoing the logo and all the advertising and collateral materials. This way, we save ourselves the grief and the money right up front," Manley continued, "On the plus side, it'll lower the age of our target audience, making Heckboy plush toys a real marketing possibility. So, it's not a total loss, really." 

All of tinseltown is working overtime to be ready when the decency hits the fan. Classic films are being "adjusted" by such title changes as To Heck and Back, Heck is for Heroes, The Heckfighters, Hecko Dolly and Hepcats of the Navy. 

Additionally, the WB Network has announced that when its show 7th Heaven goes into syndication on PAX TV, it will be retitled "Heaven" because, as a PAX network executive explained, "Every right-thinking Christian knows there is only one heaven, and even entertaining the notion that there is more than one, much less seven, is not only just flat-out wrong, but deeply and hurtfully offensive." 

Hard Act to Follow

Novelization, Spinoffs Planned for Gibson's "Passion" 

HOLLYWOOD California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — Stephen King, Thomas Harris and Anne Rice are under consideration for the job of penning the novelization of Mel Gibson's hit movie The Passion of the Christ.

Gibson's production company, Newmarket Films, has asked the three world-famous authors, each renowned for their vivid descriptions of bloodletting, gore, violence and the brutal torture of both body and soul, to submit a sample chapter and an outline for the book. 

"With a celebrity name like Mel Gibson's attached to it, we expect this book to do quite well," said a spokesman for Newmarket, "It's a great story. It's got everything: action, suspense, suffering, betrayal, bad guys, good guys, one very good guy and an inspiring, uplifting ending. Real mass appeal stuff," he enthused, "We're talking worldwide bestseller, here. This could be the Bible of novelizations. " 

Newmarket also announced today its deal with HBO to produce a mini-series spinoff of The Passion that will chronicle the post-Christ lives — but especially the gruesome, martyred deaths — of the apostles. Tentatively titled A.D. The Lives of the Saints, the series will focus on one apostle per episode with each installment filmed by a different director. Quentin Tarentino, John Carpenter, Wes Craven and Brian De Palma are said to have signed on to the project.