Ant Farmer's Almanac

The 100 Monkeys from Discontinued Typing Shakespeare Experiment Reassigned to Write Trump’s Inauguration Speech and Social Media Posts

At a press conference announcing the end of their decades-long experiment to test whether 100 primates given 100 typewriters could recreate the works of William Shakespeare, Underhill Institute spokesman Reese McKee said, "After concluding that this outcome was too remote to warrant further study, we decided to lower the bar and contract out the test subjects for use by the incoming presidential administration," he continued, "The smarter dozen-or-so who've mastered the QWERTY keyboard will be working on the inauguration speech," McKee said, proudly, "The rest, many of whom never got past the 'flinging their own feces at each other phase' will staff the White House press office and oversee social media postings."

 

Patient Charged for Cost of Instrument Left in Abdomen After Surgery

"It's cheaper than going in again to get it out," explained a spokesman for health care provider Underhill Insurance, regarding the item — a forcep featuring fenestrated jaws, a flat handle with spring action, about 5.25" in length and a satin finish — valued between $75 and $225, depending upon whether it's made from stainless steel or titanium.

"There aren't any really sharp edges so it's probably not going to puncture anything important and," the spokesman continued, "Given this patient's age and medical history, some surgeon is gonna be in there again pretty soon for one thing or another," adding, "In the meantime, we're not signing off on any MRI's for this guy and, this time, it really is in the best interest of the patient."

The company offered no statement indicating whether, when retrieved, the forcep would remain the patient's property, a "Souvenir", according to Underhill, or if its ownership would revert to the medical facility and the charge for it reimbursed.

 

Here is the Church, Here are the People, Comes a Tornado, There Goes the Steeple

Tornado Hits Pennsylvania Town During Church Service

 

"They Will Be Parasite Non Grata!" Trump Vows to Deport All Brain-Eating Worms on Day One

"Just the other day a worm came up to me, big worm, strong worm, tears in his eyes, Sir, he said, Sir, you have the best brain this worm has ever seen and it would be an honor for me to crawl in there, nibble a bit of it and then die. I could die happy. But I said no. No worm will ever eat even the tiniest part of my big, beautiful brain, very good brain, some say the best brain, doctors have said they've never seen anything like it. I took that test, that cognersherrrrr test, remember, man, woman, person, camera, covfefe. . . "

 

Immigrants, Trans Kids & DEI at USGS Blamed for Friday's Earthquake

Agency denies any role in tectonic plates shifting.

Elsewhere, NASA reports getting threatening messages accusing its "Godless pro-science slant" for causing Monday's eclipse.

 

Death of Ian Wilmut, Pioneering Scientist Who Cloned Dolly the Sheep, Announced by Ian Wilmut.2

"He never once looked at Dolly the Sheep as merely a source of wool or lamb chops," said Wilmut's clone Ian (Beta) Wilmut.2, "Anymore than he saw me as just a convenient storehouse of spare parts."

 

"Earth Shot First!"

Asteroid Denounces Unprovoked Attack

Asteroid 65803 Didymos today responded harshly to Planet Earth's "Ruthless and deliberate attack" on its moonlet, Dimorphs, "Who never did anything to anybody, especially humans." 

"Even NASA's own triumphal statement about the assault admits that we pose no threat to Earth, yet they went and crashed a spaceship right into us! On purpose! And now they're bragging about it like it was some kind of Stand Your Ground situation," adding, "What is wrong with you people?"

 

Hairpiece William Shatner Wore on Blue Origin Space Flight to be Sold on eBay

Representatives of the 90-year-old actor declined to comment about the online auction's authenticity, Shatner's participation in it, and whether the Star Trek legend had stuffed another three toupees into his space suit pockets for sale as well.

 

 

Anti-Vaxxers Will be Locked Into the "It's a Small World" Ride Until They Agree to Get the Shot

Disneyland to be Vaccination Site.

 

400-Year-Old Shark Tells All

A Greenland Shark, estimated to be nearly 400 years old, has been discovered in the Arctic Ocean. Wandering the seven seas since the 1620s, it is the oldest living vertebrate on the planet. We caught up with him recently for an interview (edited for length and content).

Q: What’s it like being 400 years old?

A: Eh, it’s not so bad. Though, sometimes I'll be in the Gulf Stream and forget why I went there. 

Q: We understand you knew Moby Dick. 

A: What a putz.

Q: You didn’t like him?

A: Not as much as his brothers, Moby Tom and Moby Harry. Nobody remembers them but very nice. Not that smart, maybe, but sweethearts, the both of them. As for Dick, after that book, the fame went to his head. Sure, it was a terrible burden, one whale having to be the metaphor for all of nature, and on top of already being albino. That’s a lot of pressure. But, oy, he never stopped talking about it. It was always with the, ‘Hey, I sank a boat’ and ‘I ate Captain Arab…’

Q: Ahab.

A: Whatever. After a while nobody wanted to migrate with him. He sang solo, if you know what I mean.  

Q: I’m not sure that I do but, let’s move on… 

A: Last I heard he got dynamited on a beach in Oregon.

Q: What’s the secret to living so long?

A: Seafood. Fresh seafood. I stay in the colder Scandinavian waters for all the fish — millions of ‘em. That and the socialized medicine. I’m also a para-vegetarian, I eat only fish that eat only plants. Kidding! I’ll eat anything that moves slower than me. But, freshness, the fresher the better, that’s the key. And not getting eaten by whales. 

Q: Whales don’t eat sharks.

A: That’s what they want you to think.

Q: Have you ever eaten a human?

A: I may have taken a nibble here and there back in the day. But as part of a steady diet, no. It’s just not worth it in the end. You folks don’t taste half as good as you think you do. Plus, snack on one surfer and the next thing you know everybody with a boat is chasing you around and you wind up stuffed and mounted on somebody’s wall. 

Q: Do you like being referred to as the “Keith Richards of Sharks”?

A: Keef’s still alive? Wow. Who’d’ve thought. I haven’t really followed the Stones much since “Exile on Main Street,” they really lost me with their detour into disco.

Q: Do you resent being portrayed in popular culture as malevolent killing machines?

A: It’s a little unfair, maybe. I would characterize us as “eating machines” because, yeah, we’re always on the hunt for food, who isn’t? I’m not saying that a very hungry and cranky shark hasn’t occasionally done something a little crazy, maybe but, hey, nobody’s perfect, right? Funny, but we’re only thought of as evil when we eat one of you.  

Q: What do you think of Jaws, Shark Week and Sharknado?

A: “Jaws” I saw as a tragedy; poor bastard shark finds a plentiful feeding area — they were practically throwing themselves at him — and then the food fights back. Worthy of Rod Serling or O. Henry. I could have used some more back-story but maybe that's just me. Shark Week, I gotta admit I just don’t get it; hours of watching someone else eat. What’s that about? “Sharknado”? I couldn’t make it through even the first one. The special effects were just so terrible. 

Q: What are your plans for the future?

A: Well, I really have no concept of time. I swim,  I eat, I swim some more. That’s about it. Life doesn’t have to be all that complicated.

Nation Anticipating Inevitable News That Eclipse Is Somehow About Trump

Climate Change Scientist Sends Infant Son to Distant Planet

NORKOPPING, SWEDEN (AFA Newswire) Dismayed by humanity's lack of action in the face of impending world-wide ecological cataclysm, Swedish envirobiologist and leading climate change scientist Dr. Björn Jarrell has constructed an escape-pod spacecraft for his infant son, Karl. 

"It's the only way," says Jarrell, "If mankind won't even try to save itself, I'm going to do what I can for my own family." 

Aimed at Wolf 1061c, one of three recently discovered earthlike planets orbiting a red dwarf star in the constellation Ophiuchus, the rocket will take several years to arrive at its destination. The boy will be in a state of suspended animation throughout the long journey.

Jarrell ruefully acknowledges he'd intended to build a ship large enough to also hold his wife and himself but there just isn't time and now this small-scale model meant for testing will have to do.

Although unsure of what Karl will find on his new world, Jarrell insists, "I like the boy's chances in outer space more than if he stays here," adding, "I just hope they never find out what a planet full of dipshits he came from."

 

Childrens' Letters to Salmon

© Daniel Abraham

Dear Salmon,

I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?

--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa

Dear Salmon,

Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.

--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York

Dear Salman,

I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and I'll remember it whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.

--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey

Dear Salmon,

My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?

--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico

Dear Salmon,

Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?

--Your pal, Joey, age 7, Evanston, Illinois



Is it Soup, Yet?

Chinese archaeologists have dug up a 2400-year-old pot of soup .

 

It's . . .

Fibonacci Day (yeah, we had to look it up, too).

Move Over Inkblots!

Satellite Photos of Gulf Spill to be New Rorschach Test

NEW YORK (Ant Farmer's Almanac NewsWire) The latest trend in psychological testing has researchers showing satellite images of the Deepwater Horizon oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico, then interpreting subjects' responses for insight into personality traits.

"Those blotchy ink blots were so out of date," said Dan Ondah, head of RoarShack® Lab Testing Services, "These oil spill pictures offer up a more marketable demographic profile."

Example results include:

67% of political progressives shown the picture clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in environmental damage, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

72% of self-described libertarians saw in the pictures clear evidence of government's inability to do anything right and 28% saw proof that government shouldn't be doing anything in the first place, with a crossover of 39% seeing both. 

62% of self-described fundamentalist evangelicals saw the face of the Virgin Mary, 29% saw the face of Pat Robertson and 9% saw the face of Dick Cheney. 

98.6% of self-described hard-right neocons saw clear evidence of President Obama's failure to lead, 12% of that 98.6% also saw an unfortunate-but-unavoidable-and-totally-not-anybody's-fault-so-get-off-the-oil-industry's-back-about-it accident, with the remaining 2.4% seeing the face of Dick Cheney. 

43% of Tea Partiers reacted by shouting angry slogans and 57% held up misspelled signs.

37% of Hollywood celebrities saw their next cause to champion, 61% asked "What's my motivation?" with 2% asking if this counted toward their community service.

88% of gulf coast beach-front home owners saw falling property values.

A northward-bound migrating goose shown the picture began checking maps for alternate routes to Canada.

Seven blind men asked to describe the image by touch alone all agreed that it was an elephant.

67% of oil company executives clutched their chests as if in physical pain, stunned by the sight of the millions of dollars in lost profits, and 38% wept openly, with 5% doing both.

If You Play it Backwards, You Can Hear God Muttering, "Insert Flap A Into Slot B — Oh, Crap, This Thing Needs Batteries?!"

Astronomers have created a sound clip of the noise the expanding universe was making in the first million years after the Big Bang. 

UFO Sighting by Mexican Air Force Proves Existence of Mexican Air Force

Mexican Air Force pilots film UFO.

In Other News: Sobriety Bad for Liquor Industry; Non-Smokers Pose Threat to Tobacco Profits; and 9 Out of 10 People Prefer Being Alive to Being Dead

Krispy Kreme: Diets hurt doughnut sales. 

If He'd Lived Long Enough, He'd Have Also Invented Cupholders, Airbags and Fuzzy Dice

The DaVinci Car

Five centuries after his death scientists have figured out Leonardo da Vinci's design for an automobile and finally built it. 

The Passion of the Crustacean

Just Resurrect and Serve! 

A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed.