Ant Farmer's Almanac

Hail Mary, Full of Laces...

Maybe we should put the so-called Nuclear Football, the codes for launching a nuclear strike, inside an actual football.

A regulation NFL Wilson. 

Trump would never question it.

This way, if he ever gets in a mood to drop the Big One on somebody, he'll have to unlace that football first. And (this is important), tell him the protocol is that only he ("You alone must do it, sir!") is permitted to open it and nobody is allowed to help him or the deal is off. And no puncturing.

Then, while the president is busy prying and tugging at the laces, someone can go get Kelly or Mattis to come in and taser him.

I'd sleep better at night knowing a plan like this was in place. Hell, I'd sleep better just knowing that Kelly and Mattis were packing tasers.

Moving the Goalposts

Maybe if Donald Trump had held onto the New Jersey Generals of the USFL, become general manager and had this press conference in 1984 or so, we wouldn't be in the mess we're in now...

[scene: New Jersey Generals post-game interview]

REPORTER
So, how do you feel after that humiliating loss, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP
It was a beautiful game; a great game. I have all the best players and coaches. My cheerleaders, first rate; 10s all of them. I only hire the best -- the best of the best! Unbelievable!

REPORTER
But the Generals lost today. Big-time. The game was a blowout.

TRUMP
No, you're wrong about that. We won. We're winners. We always win. Losing is for losers.

REPORTER
The score was 57-12...

TRUMP
Ask our fans who won, they know, they'll tell you. Numbers don't mean anything.  

REPORTER
Ah, they kinda do...

TRUMP
That scoreboard was rigged; the whole league is rigged. If we lose -- and I'm telling you we didn't -- it wasn't a fair game. No way.

REPORTER
There were a lot of fumbles by your team and the other side played well, making some seventeen interceptions...

TRUMP
You see, right there! They only had the ball because they stole it from us! And the referees did nothing about it. 

REPORTER
Are you accusing the officials of rigging the game against you?

TRUMP
Many people are saying that, I don't know...

REPORTER
Your coaching staff often complains about your managerial interference, saying you insist they use nonsensical and risky plays ...

TRUMP
Wrong.

REPORTER
... and keeping in players who should probably have been on the disabled list, benched or traded... 

TRUMP
I don't know where this is coming from. Where did you get this?

REPORTER
... and more than one of them has said you personally are to blame for this season's poor record.

TRUMP
Lame excuses from lousy coaches. They should be embarrassed. I put together a winning team and they can't make it work. Sad.  

REPORTER
Players have said your rambling half-time locker-room talks, rather than inspiring them to rally, instead confuse, depress and even frighten them, and that your bizarre plays put them at tremendous physical risk...

TRUMP
Overpaid crybabies who can't take it -- they can't even dish it out, 'Ooh, I got a concussion and wanna go home,' Most of these guys come from the shittiest neighborhoods in the shittiest little towns, where they've been shot several times before they're 12. I pull them out of there, probably saving their lives and now they're whining about ligament tears, skull fractures and neurodegenerative disorders. Pathetic.

REPORTER
Didn't you just claim to have "All the best players and coaches?"

TRUMP
I never said that.

REPORTER
Do you have any comment about the multiple pending lawsuits from New Jersey Generals' cheerleaders about your alleged sexual harassment of them on and off the field?

TRUMP
Somebody get him out of here!

 

NFL Introduces Superbowl "Quartertime Shows"

NEW YORK (AFA SportsWire) The National Football League announced today that at the 2017 Superbowl in Houston, Texas, it will introduce what it calls "Quartertime Shows", extended entertainment breaks at the end of the first and third quarters.

Intended to last about half as long as the halftime show the nature and content of quartertime has not been decided. However, the move reflects a larger NFL strategy to increase add revenue and broaden its appeal to non-traditional football audiences. Presentations under consideration include marching chamber music ensembles, interpretive dance, and a PBS pledge drive.

Meanwhile, Major League Baseball would neither confirm or deny rumors of its plan for stretching the Seventh Inning Stretch to allow for on-field performances and adding a Third Inning Stretch for, well, stretching. Unprompted, the National Hockey League issued a statement that its fans were perfectly happy watching the Zamboni.

U.S. Olympic Snowboarding Team Arrives in London, "Totally Stoked" About Taking Home Gold in 2012

City of Cleveland Declares Itself Free Agent, Seeks Offers from Better Climates

With LeBron James Heading to Miami, Clevelanders Find No Reason to Remain

CLEVELAND (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) In the wake of LeBron James' leaving the Cleveland Cavaliers for the Miami Heat, the City of Cleveland is now hoping to relocate to another part of the country; preferably one with milder winters.

"We're devastated, of course," says Thom Katt, professor of socio-anthropology at Case Western University, "But, for most of us, this is just the final of many last straws. Given the choice, most of us would move to Miami, too," adding, "And for millions and millions and millions of dollars, well duh! I mean, ask me again in February, I'd pay you to get me out of here! And I've got tenure!" Katt shuddered at the memory of frigid winter winds coming in from Lake Erie, muttering to himself, "So cold. So cold..."

As similar sentiments were expressed throughout the city, from Shaker Heights to Broadview Heights, Richmond Heights to Garfield Heights and University Heights to Middleburg Heights, the city council was called in to emergency session to discuss relocation offers from a large tract of marshland on the Louisiana Gulf Coast and several stretches of Arizona along the border with Mexico.

Although Drew Carey could not be reached for comment, his publicist's intern issued a statement wishing the Price is Right host's hometown all the best, confidently asserting that, "No matter where it winds up, Cleveland will probably still rock!" asking, "That is the place that rocks, right?"

It is not clear whether nearby Chagrin Falls would be included in the move.

Milwaukee Brewers' Player Detained, Deported Before Game in Phoenix

MAY 7, 2010, 6:15 PM

New Arizona Law to Give Diamondbacks Unique Home Field Advantage?

PHOENIX (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Many peoples' worst fears over the effects of Arizona's harsh new anti-illegal immigrant law on visiting teams and fans were realized Friday when a player for the Milwaukee Brewers was questioned, detained and deported prior to the evening's game.

Major League Baseball has already expressed its concerns over this law by considering relocating the 2011 All-Star Game from Phoenix to San Diego. In addition, the Phoenix Suns' Cinco de Mayo tradition of wearing jerseys emblazoned with "Los Suns" in honor of the Latino community and diversity of the league sparked unprecedented controversy this year.

It is ironic then, that the visiting team player at the center of this incident was Canadian-born Brewers' catcher George Kottaras.

Chase Field security guard B.G. Ott, who made the arrest, stated that Kottaras' "luminescent paleness" and "over-eager friendliness" were the tip-offs that he "wasn't from around here."

That, and as Ott put it, "His story just didn't add up. A Canadian playing baseball in America? C'mon! Hockey, maybe, but I mean, pffft!"

Ott's suspicions led him to place Kottaras under citizens arrest and forcibly put him on the first bus "back" to Canada.

Team, stadium and municipal authorities were quickly falling over each other to apologize and to point out that the Ott was "overzealous and acted alone, without either the approval or knowledge of anyone from any of their organizations." The Diamondbacks spokesman also emphatically insisted this isn't just a way to psych-out visiting teams with worry about whether their "papers are all in order."

At press time, Kottaras was still aboard a northbound Trailways bus whose first scheduled stop is Salt Lake City. Although he will be "released from custody" there, he will not make it back on time for Friday's game.

There is an unconfirmed rumor that several hispanic Diamondbacks players were also stopped and questioned by stadium security, but managed to get on the field by pretending to be part of the groundskeeping crew.

Olympic Officials Shocked — SHOCKED! — That Snowboarders are Behaving Like . . . Snowboarders

"Dudes, chill!" Reply Snowboarders, asking, "Got any snacks? You know, like, Doritos, maybe?"

VANCOUVER, BC (Ant Farmer's Almanac SportsWire) Officials of the 2010 Winter Olympics have expressed alarm and dismay over snowboarders' "Lack of proper reverence for the traditions of this august institution," according to USOC spokesman Don F. Mann, Jr., "They act like this is fun!"

Among Mann's list of snowboarders' offenses to Olympic gravitas: their grungy "street" fashion sense, Greg Bretz's McNuggets-eating contest with his coach, Ricky Bower (Bretz, 60; Bower, 35); Hannah Teter's underwear sales (which turns out to be a legitimate business, despite initial reports making it sound like an auction for the panties she had on at the time); Shaun White and Bud Keane's expletive-laden on-air chatter; and the "scandalous" party photos of a girl kissing Scotty Lago's bronze medal as it dangled from his belt that earned him a hastily arranged one-way ticket out of Vancouver

Despite most of these incidents taking place far from the event sites, athletes have been under tight scrutiny since the infamous Michael Phelps bong hit after his 2008 Olympic triumph.

Other troubling snowboarder behavior includes overuse of the term "Dude," being way too cheerful all the time and suspiciously frequent outbreaks of "the munchies." Mention of Louie Vito's pre-Olympics appearance on Dancing With the Stars got a look of sour disapproval from Mann, when asked if that also counted as inappropriate behavior.

Mann said his next task is to look into allegations of "catty, high-strung, diva-like and bitchy behavior" among ice dancers and figure skaters.

*Pictured above is Canadian Olympic Freestyle Snowboarder, Katherine Shizu Tsuyuki. As of Tuesday morning, she wasn't in trouble for anything.

Michael Phelps Sweeps Daytime Emmys

Susan Lucci Files Protest

NEW YORK (AFA Newswire) Olympic gold medal swimmer Michael Phelps shattered yet another world record today when it was announced that he had won an unprecedented nine Daytime Emmy Awards from the National Academy of Television Arts and Sciences.

Phelps' name was placed in Emmy contention by NBC, whose coverage of his historic bid for eight gold medals in a single Olympics generated worldwide excitement and pushed ratings for the network's coverage of the Beijing games through the roof.

Critics have called the move by NBC — which will broadcast the Daytime Emmy ceremony — "A shameless and cynical ratings gimmick meant to squeeze every precious drop of publicity from Phelps' popularity."

A network spokesman dismissed the comments, stating flatly, "He was on TV. It was daytime. Where's the problem?"

Susan Lucci, who was famously nominated 18 times for her work on the soap opera All My Children before finally winning her first and only Emmy in 1999, has submitted an official protest that reads in its entirety, "Oh, for crissakes!"

It is not clear if Mr. Phelps will attend the awards ceremony or that he is even aware of this latest victory. Phelps has, however, publicly stated that while on the trip home from Beijing, he intends to win a Nobel prize, Project Runway and the New Hampshire Primary.

In other news: John Edwards has been stripped of his "World's Greatest Hubby" title by the International Novelty Coffee Cup Federation.

Bonds Hits 1000th Home Run

SAN FRANCISCO (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) At Friday's home game against the Los Angeles Dodgers, San Francisco Giants' super-slugger Barry Bonds achieved the seemingly impossible — and in record time — hitting his 1000th home run only weeks after his 756th homer broke Hank Aaron's long-standing record.

By taking every at-bat for the Giants in every inning of every game since reaching 756 on August 7, Bonds managed to rack up another 244 home runs in a month's time, averaging three homers per game and shattering nearly every baseball record for just about everything.

Although rumors persist about Bonds' (alleged) steroid use, this latest feat has even his harshest critics awestruck and more than a little frightened. "I make sure I'm out of town during home games," says one Bay Area sportswriter who's chronicled Bonds' career.

Asked if they mind being demoted to pinch base-runner duty for their controversial teammate -- now nicknamed "Mecha Barry Bonds" -- other Giant players, who talked to reporters only on condition of anonymity, replied, "You wanna tell him no?"

Bonds did not speak to the press after the historic 1000th homer and, indeed, has not "spoken" at all since August 16. He now expresses himself only in a "rumbly, screeching cry," that is sometimes accompanied by flames shooting out of his mouth.

Immediately after the game, Mecha Barry Bonds lumbered out of AT&T Park, crushing several cars on his way to nearby San Francisco Bay, into which he waded and swam off, presumably en route to Japan, where he is scheduled to bat clean-up with the Chunichi Dragons, and to do battle with Mothra, Rodan and a monster to be named later.

IOC to Conduct Drug Test on Athens Olympics' Opening Ceremony

"That was just way too trippy", says Olympic Committee spokesman.

ATHENS, Greece (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) Even before the athletic competitions had begun at the 2004 Olympic Games in Athens, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that it would conduct drug tests on everyone associated with the Games' Opening Ceremonies. 

"They were just really weird," said IOC spokesman Robert Leroy Parker, "It looked like Burning Man or some Radiohead music video." Parker shook his head sadly, "I mean, a parade of painted people dressed like I don't know what, a pregnant woman with a glowing womb, that blue, winged guy hovering over the whole thing, more wardrobe malfunctions than you could shake a stick at. . . . There's just no way that performance wasn't enhanced with substances. They even messed up the alphabetical order of the countries' names! How high do you have to be to do that? 

The creator of the Ceremonies' surrealistic extravaganza was reached for comment at a 24-hour Denny's restaurant in Athens, Georgia where he was eating breakfast at 2:30 a.m. When asked why he was in Athens, Georgia, when the Olympics were taking place in Athens, Greece, he got real quiet, looked around, wide-eyed and then confessed to having "Serious munchies, dude." 

"They get the gold in bizarre, that's for sure," sighed a dismayed Parker, "It was all Greek to me."