Ant Farmer's Almanac

TV Execs Tried Luring Biden into Retirement with Offer of Starring Role in Sitcom, “Commander & Chief” About an Ex-President and His Talking Dog Sidekick

The producers acknowledge they hadn't worked out all the details, such as whether Commander speaks to anyone and everyone, like Brian, the dog on Family Guy or if it's more like Mr. Ed where the horse spoke only to its owner, Wilbur.

"We figured they'd drive around Wilmington in Joe's vintage Corvette solving crimes and stuff. Each episode would start with them sampling ice cream when they hear of wrongdoing on their police scanner, Joe looks over at Commander and utters his catchphrase, 'That's some kind of malarkey, c'mon Jack!' and Commander replies, 'Let's roll... and stop calling me Jack!' By the end, Commander's pinned the bad guys to the ground, while Joe steps out of the car and, in a whispery growl, tells them, 'Stop in the name of the Rule of Law; that's an Executive Order!' This could've worked; Barretta had his bird, McCloud had a horse, Lassie had Timmy..."

Biden campaign operatives and DNC officials waved away the idea, "These same guys, just a couple of weeks before, had approached us suggesting that we give the President a makeover and run him as his long-lost twin brother or "identical cousin", like that's even a thing!"

 

Poll: Majority of Voters Would Choose Death by Shark or Electrocution Over Watching Presidential Debate

Those offered Ranked Choice Voting picked "Death by a thousand cuts" as another alternative. 

 

Ronna McDaniels' Brief Tenure at NBC Dubbed a "Half-Scaramucci"

Former Republican National Committee chair McDaniels' five days in the employ of NBC beats the land speed record previously held by Trump Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci, whose ten days on the job was considered the gold standard for high-speed, high-profile Hirer's Remorse.

 

Sir, He Says, There’s Just One More Thing…

“So, this guy comes up to me, Sir, he says—little guy, swarthy guy, kind of rumpled, and when I say rumpled I mean rumpled. All over; his raincoat, his hair, his face, even. Rumpled, all of it. Even his car is rumpled, some kind of weird dumpy foreign thing… Sir, he says, Sir, sorry to bother you again, because he’s been hanging around lately, asking a lot of questions, poking into things and talking to everybody I know about this and that and everything. And he’s got this one eye that kind of wanders, a wandering eye and it’s like, you don’t know which eye is looking at you and which one to look into when he’s talking. I mean, the whole time he’s telling me, Sir, my wife is such a big fan, huge fan, terrific fan, all I can think about is that weird and creepy eye. And his cigar. It’s unlit but about half-smoked—like it went out and he hasn’t got around to relighting it or he’s out of matches, can’t afford a lighter, I dunno. But once you notice it, it’s like with the eye, you can’t not pay attention to it. Sir, he says, with all the waving around his cigar with no smoke and the wandering eye and, Sir, he says, sorry to bother you again—and that’s when I notice there’s cops and FBI and US Marshals all around me with their guns drawn and my secret service detail is backing away with their hands up—Sir he says, there’s just one more thing…”

 

 

Director's Cut of Katie Britt's SOTU GOP Rebuttal Ends With Lassie Barking That Timmy Has Fallen Down a Well and Needs to be Rescued

Britt's cross necklace was a last-minute replacement for the string of pearls she'd worn at rehearsal after the GOP received cease and desist letters from the estates of June Lockhart and Barbara Billingsly. 

 

Uncontrollable Urge to Attend Outdoor Events Featuring Jazz Trio Most Common Side-Effect of Prescription Drugs Advertised on TV

A recent study reports the most common side effect of prescription drugs advertised on television is users' compulsion to show up at outdoor events at which a smooth jazz trio is playing.

"It was eerie," says Nancy L, who is on medications successfully treating her IBS, "I was out running errands and suddenly I found myself at a garden party with a young woman singer backed up by older guys playing guitar and standup bass. I don't remember how I got there. It was like I'd been hypnotized," adding, "I guess it's a small price to pay but, I really don't like jazz."

The study, conducted by the The Underhill Institute, reviewed hundreds of cases, finding consistently similar incidents, regardless of the drug being taken or whatever condition it was intended to address.

"Doesn't matter what. You take something for it—bam!" says Institute spokesman Dr. Sterling Cooper, "You're outside listening to a smooth jazz ensemble. And one of them's wearing a porkpie hat."

The notable exception, according to the study's findings, is that men using meds for erectile dysfunction are more likely to form or join a rock-and-roll garage band composed of others guys in late middle age.

 

The Great British Boiling Show

"Contestants, in today’s challenge—as always—you’ve been given prime cuts of beef, lamb and pork, and a variety of canned vegetables. You must boil down each of them to remove all colour and flavour, then, create three dishes; Bangers and Mash, Shepherd’s Pie and Toad-in-the-Hole.

"The judges will then try to determine which meat is in which dish.

"Additionally, you must prepare a basket of fish and chips because, hey, we gotta eat.

"You have one hour."

 

Miniseries "This is Utz" Scheduled for Fall Debut

Docudrama of potato chip and snack food dynasty said to be "Succession" meets "Modern Family".

Ken Jennings, Mayim Bialik Slated to Guest Host During Rachel Maddow's Sabbatical

MSNBC denies rumor that Michael Richards was invited to fill in but acknowledges that, while Keith Olbermann would be welcome, "Nobody's seen him lately or even knows where he is at the moment."

 

 

Matt Amodio’s Jeopardy Challengers Will No Longer Be Introduced, Bantered With or Identified by Name

“Talking to them is just a waste of time, really” says a Jeopardy producer, “They’re here for 25 minutes, they get steamrolled by Matt and we never see them again. We don’t want anyone to get too attached to them,” adding, “In hindsight, we probably should have used the same approach when auditioning new hosts.”

 

 

HAL 9000 Chosen to Replace Mike Richards as New Host of Jeopardy

HOLLYWOOD (AFA Infotainment Newswire) The disembodied voice and glowing red “eye” of computer HAL 9000, from the film 2001: A Space Odyssey, has been tapped to replace Mike Richards as the new host of the popular quiz show, Jeopardy, after Richards’ hasty withdrawal following revelations of offensive remarks he'd made on a podcast. 

“HAL’s the only option, really,” say Jeopardy producers, who point out that, “He’s scandal-free, unless you count his killing the Discovery crew and trying to keep Keir Dullea out of the airlock,” adding, “But, let’s not forget how unfailingly polite he was the entire time.”

 

ILLUSTRATION BY MARTIN KOZLOWSKI 

 

 

Amid Accusations of “Species Appropriation,” Fox's Animated Show “Housebroken” Shuts Down Production to Recast Voice Actors with Actual Animals Portrayed

In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.

 

BBC Nature Series “Blue Balls Planet” Just David Attenborough Narrating 156 Hours of Leftover Wildlife Footage Showcasing Males of Every Species Unsuccessful Attempts at Mating

“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”

 

 

Where No Man Had Gone Before

[Bridge of the Federation Starship Enterprise D, patrolling a remote corner of the Neutral Zone.]

DATA
Captain, long-range sensors are picking up an alien ship approaching on an aggressive intercept course.

PICARD
Identification?

DATA
None sir but our scans show 12 life-forms aboard... they are hailing us...

PICARD
On screen!

[Viewscreen shows bridge of alien starship on which is a crew of beings in shades of green, blue and various colors, some with antennae, some with bad hairpieces.]

JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. I am. Jay-Tekay. You hold. Our creator. We come. In search.  Of. Him. You must release. The creator to. Us. Or. Face. The consequences!

PICARD
Again with seeking the creator... how many times has this happened?

DATA
Remarkably, only three; Season 4, episode 3; season 4, episode 19; season 6, episode 20...

PICARD
Yes, yes, Mr. Data, it was a rhetorical question.

JAYTEKAY
Enterprise. Surrender him to us. Or. Be destroyed. You have one. Earth. Hour.

PICARD
Mr. Data, analysis.

DATA
Jaytekay appears to be Kelvan and our bio-sensor readings show that each of the crew is of a different race: Orion, Triskelion, Scolsian and several others...

RIKER
Is that a Gorn?

DATA
... although from different planets, all of the life forms on the ship are roughly the same age, born within a three-year period. They also share a common string of human DNA. 

PICARD
Counselor Troi, what are you sensing?

COUNSELOR TROI
They are united by fierce emotions and a strong bond; they seek answers and closure.

PICARD
Closure? Of what?

COUNSELOR TROI
That's not clear, sir; not even to them.

DATA
Historical records show the Federation encountered their home planets some 50 years ago. Allowing for differing gestation periods, I would surmise that they were conceived in the order of first contact along an outward trajectory from Earth through their system... and...

PICARD
Yes, Mr. Data?

DATA
The Federation starship that made first contact with all of these planets was the Enterprise.

PICARD
Why am I not surprised?

DATA
The human DNA these beings share appears to be from a single Earth human...

PICARD
Oh, dear...

DATA
... It is the DNA of Captain James T. Kirk, commander of that Enterprise.

PICARD
Oh, bloody hell...

RIKER
Did he even know what the Prime Directive was?

PICARD
He's why they amended Chapter 28, section 4, subsections 3 through 19, specifically ... 

[Picard leads bridge crew in rote recitation]

"There shall be no sexual or romantic involvements of any sort during First Contact between contacting team and contactees and no such activity will be sanctioned until negotiations regarding admission to the Federation -- contingent upon outcome -- have been concluded."

RIKER
Ah, yes, the Kirk Rider.

WESLEY CRUSHER
The pink one's kind of cute.

PICARD
Wesley!

WESLEY CRUSHER
Sorry, sir.

RIKER
What should we do?

DATA
If previous encounters with Kirk-Alien spawn are any indication, these creatures are capable of chewing scenery at an alarming rate; if we beam them aboard we may not be able to contain them.

RIKER
Last time we were in dry dock for weeks...

PICARD
Options?

WORF
Photon torpedos ready to fire...

PICARD
Not just yet, Mr. Worf.

DATA
We could reinforce a holodeck by surrounding it with a forcefield; any damage would be confined there and effect only computer-generated matter.

PICARD
Good thinking, Mr. Data, make it so. Invite the visiting crew to beam over and send them directly to Holodeck 3. Computer, prepare Program Kirk/Birds and Bees/Paternity Explanation/Federation Apology/Child Support Back-Payment Offer. 

RIKER
Wesley's right; that pink babe is kind of hot.

PICARD
Number One, why don't you just remain on the bridge for this one...

 

 

He Was Already in the One for 1997

Oscar committee explains absence of Abe Vigoda in 2016 "In Memorium" reel.

 

Bear from The Revenant to Boycott Oscars

Will Remain in Hibernation as Protest of Academy Snub

LOS ANGELES (AFA Entertainment Newswire) The claws came out in a press release from Bruno the Grizzly Bear, recently seen in -- but overlooked by Oscar for -- his pivotal role in the film The Revenant.

Prepared before going into hibernation for the winter, Bruno (born Izzy Stastowski) made several candid statements about his reasons for sitting out this year's Academy Awards Ceremony in Los Angeles. 

"DiCaprio chews up the scenery and gets a nomination; I got anywhere near the craft services table and they'd dart me," adding, "I had to get my own salmon from the nearest stream..."

"And all this publicity BS about how he suffered for the role... oh, please; between takes pretty boy's in his trailer surrounded by a harem of "assistants" tending to his every whim. And he's got a lot of whims, let me tell you.  Me? All I had were some rubber balls to juggle and a unicycle. The ones who really deserve an award are the crew that had to watch that little pisher overact in front of a green screen."

Bruno's will next reprise his role as Smokey the Bear in a National Park Service PSA about wildfire prevention ("Again with the ranger hat..."). Until then, Bruno will continue hibernating in an undisclosed location near Lake Tahoe. He can be reached through Noah's Ark Animal Actors Talent Agency, (310) 555-1212.

NFL Introduces Superbowl "Quartertime Shows"

NEW YORK (AFA SportsWire) The National Football League announced today that at the 2017 Superbowl in Houston, Texas, it will introduce what it calls "Quartertime Shows", extended entertainment breaks at the end of the first and third quarters.

Intended to last about half as long as the halftime show the nature and content of quartertime has not been decided. However, the move reflects a larger NFL strategy to increase add revenue and broaden its appeal to non-traditional football audiences. Presentations under consideration include marching chamber music ensembles, interpretive dance, and a PBS pledge drive.

Meanwhile, Major League Baseball would neither confirm or deny rumors of its plan for stretching the Seventh Inning Stretch to allow for on-field performances and adding a Third Inning Stretch for, well, stretching. Unprompted, the National Hockey League issued a statement that its fans were perfectly happy watching the Zamboni.

Alternate Reality Shows

Richard Simmons' Wild Kingdom

Real Housewives of Vatican City

Venusian Idol

Pterodactyl Dynasty

Confederate Bandstand

Big Sister

So You Think You Can Split Atoms

 

Geraldo Rivera Tweets Announcement of Candidacy for New York City Mayor

Guy's Bites the Big One

The New York Times' savage review of Guy's American Kitchen & Bar wasn't the first bad press TV chef Guy Fieri's new eatery in Times Square has got from food writers and restaurant critics, prompting much speculation about how Fieri might react.

Here is one possibility . . .

INTERIOR: GUY'S AMERICAN KITCHEN & BAR / IT'S AFTER HOURS AND THE PLACE IS EMPTY

Guy Fieri sits alone at a table near the bar. That day's edition of the New York Times with Peter Wells' devastatingly negative review of his restaurant is before him. He is in despair. A big-screen TV over the bar is showing episodes of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives with the sound off.

Suddenly, the screen flickers into static and another image appears.... first very fuzzy then clearer and clearer... it's Julia Child!

JULIA CHILD

(with gusto)

Bon Jour!

 GUY FIERI

(Startled)

Julia Child!?!

JULIA CHILD

Yes, Guy, it's me, Julia Child, patron saint to every television chef in America. I'm here to help you.

GUY FIERI

(Squinting at the TV)

Wait a minute... you're not Julia Child, you're Meryl Streep reprising your role as Julia Child from the movie Julie & Julia!

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

(Breaking character)

Okay, yeah, you got me. I'm actually rehearsing my new one-woman tribute to Julia Child's erotic inner life, Fifty Shades of Foie Gras, and I thought I'd stop by and help you out by sending over three spirits to guide your way.

GUY FIERI

Uh, thanks, I guess... Hey, if you need someplace to have your cast party...

JULIA CHILD / MERYL STREEP

Not on your life...

(Back in character as Julia Child)

Bon appetit!

The big-screen TV flickers then goes dark. 

On the table in front of Guy, Remi, the rat chef from the Pixar movie Ratatoullie appears with big smile.

REMI

Hi, guy, I'm here to....

GUY

(Jumps up, moritified)

Holy shit! A RAT! First thisreview and now I'm gonna get shut down by the Health Department?! 

REMI

But I'm not just any rat, it's me, Remi, the genius chef rat from Ratatoullie!

GUY

(Grabbing a broom and chasing Remi around the place)

Yeah, and you're from the Disney Channel, not the Food Network... the last thing I need now is an army of Disney lawyers on my ass...

REMI

(Breathless and bobbing and weaving away from the broom Fieri is swinging at him)

But I'm here to... remind you that... anyone can cook... that is, apparently... anyone... except... the people in your kitchen...

Fieri finally makes contact with Remi and in a hockey goal-scoring move sends him flying outside, smashing through a front window.

Next to the now-broken window, the front door bursts open. Dramatically backlit from the glow of his camera crew's lights stands Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine. He is holding a sledgehammer.

GUY FIERI

Restaurant Impossible's Robert Irvine!

ROBERT IRVINE

I'm here to save your bacon, Fieri. Let's have a look in your kitchen.

Fieri, Irvine and his camera crew stroll through the kitchen as Irvine samples bits of dishes on counters and directly from pots on the stoves, resulting in spit take after spit take...

 ROBERT IRVINE

(choking and gagging on some bacon)

Good God, this is awful... just terrible. This is the worst, most horrible food I've ever tasted -- and I'm British! I'm sorry, I can't help you. This restaurant really is impossible.

His camera crew also retching, Irvine walks out.

Paula Deen enters

PAULA DEEN

Hiya, sugar!

GUY FIERI

Hi, Paula!

PAULA DEEN

"Oh, I wasn't talking to you, honey"

She blows by Fieri, picking up a 20-pound bag of sugar on the bar, then lovingly cradles and caresses it.

 PAULA DEEN

Oh, come to momma... 

 (addressing Fieri)

I'll be in the kitchen a spell... y'all are gonna wanna knock before comin' in there."

Deen exits toward the kitchen

The darkened big-screen TV over the bar flickers on again, this time revealing the image of Alton Brown. 

ALTON BROWN

Well, Guy, now you've seen what trying to slide by on your name and TV show's reputation alone gets you, a restaurant so crappy — even for a tourist-trap in Times Square — that the New York Times feels obligated to warn people away from it. You kinda brought that on yourself — I mean, how do you mess up mac & cheese with bacon in it? — but you can redeem yourself and be proud of the result.

GUY FIERI

(Sarcastically and rolling his eyes)

And how do I do that, oh great and all-knowing, Mister Food Dweeb?

ALTON BROWN

Hey, put a cork in the attitude, bleach boy, they could've sent Gordon Ramsay... Anyway, first, shut the place down and revamp the menu to reflect and celebrate the kind of food you've tasted in your travels around America. Visitors would love to come into a restaurant of yours and try regional favorites that you've reimagined with your own unique culinary spin. You'd pull in curious tourists as well as New Yorkers originally from other parts of the country for a welcome a taste of home. The place will become a gold mine!

GUY FIERI

(Impatiently)

And then what, throw a party to announce that I'm not screwing it up anymore?

ALTON BROWN

Sort of... start by reopening with a Thanksgiving special serving just for the New York Times staff and give them something traditional but fun and unusual — off the hook, as you say — like, oh, I dunno, deep-fried turkey! That'd be perfect! Just be careful with the deep-frying since more than 1,000 people burn down their houses doing it every year.

GUY FIERI

(Suddenly more interested)

House fires, you say? Thousands of 'em?

ALTON BROWN

That's right. And the amount of grease and propane necessary to deep fry as many turkeys as you'll need for this shindig could be a recipe for disaster in the wrong hands...

GUY FIERI

(Taking notes while rifling through a folder marked "Restaurant's Insurance Policy")

Propane, grease... yeah, yeah, uh, huh...

ALTON BROWN

Now, you could also try... hey are you even listening?

GUY FIERI

(On his cellphone)

Midtown restaurant supply? Yeah, I'm gonna need some propane and some grease... lots and lots of grease... 

ALTON BROWN

Good God, Guy! You're not gonna burn down your own ...

GUY FIERI

(As he grabs the remote to turn off the TV)

That's right, science boy, I'm taking this place from Restaurant Impossible to Restaurant Inflammable! I'll be totally off the hook, baby!

As Alton Brown looks out horrified, Fieri clicks the remote and the screen goes dark.

 GUY FIERI

(Speaking into cellphone)

Yeah, I'm still here... eh, Mastercard... 

(Going through cash drawer)

No, wait, make that cash...

 

Random Thought No. 97