In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.
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Scooping the team's official announcement by only a couple of hours, the celebrated Pennsylvania groundhog, known for "predicting" the duration of winter, followed up seeing his own shadow with the surprise announcement that the Washington DC football team formerly known as the Redskins will now be known as the "Commanders".
Posted by Lairbo on 02/02/2022 at 10:37 AM in Current Affairs, Media Circus, Sports, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil, Washington Commanders, Washington NFL Team
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In a related story, The Simpsons is rumored to be replacing Dan Castellaneta as the voice of Krusty the Clown with an authentically washed-up kid’s TV show host clown.
Posted by Lairbo on 05/24/2021 at 10:33 PM in Business Unusual, Current Affairs, Media Circus, Television, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
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GOP takes time out from objecting to insurrection commission to rush through “No Dogs Allowed in Capitol Building" legislation.
Posted by Lairbo on 05/23/2021 at 01:59 PM in Current Affairs, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Jan. 6 Investigation, Major Biden, Russian money in congress
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“Whether predator or prey, insect, amphibian, fish, fowl, mammal or anything in between,” Sir David sighs wistfully, “Some guys just can’t catch a fucking break.”
Posted by Lairbo on 04/21/2021 at 03:26 PM in Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Television, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: blue balls, David Attenborough, Natre
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Q: Will Sean Spicer be the Easter Bunny again this year?
A: No. It will not be Sean Spicer in the Easter Bunny costume.
Q: Why not?
A: Mr. Spicer has other things to do. He’s a busy guy.
Q: Is there any truth to the rumor that the Fabergé Eggs being rolled by the younger Trumps and Kushners are a gift from Vladimir Putin?
A: The Fabergé Eggs the roya- first family's children will be rolling come from the personal collection of Secretary of State Rex Tillerson who has generously donated them for this event. We don’t know where he got them. Ebay, maybe.
Q: We notice that Spicer isn’t scheduled to be at the event, which is odd since he’s the press secretary and all, but also won’t be appearing anywhere else publicly all day, so, where is he if not inside the rabbit suit?
A: Just because you won’t see Sean Spicer and the Easter Bunny in the same place at the same time for the entire day doesn’t mean he’s the bunny. Okay?
Q: Why is there a catapult set up near the North Lawn fence?
A: Brown Easter eggs leftover from the Obamas’ diversity efforts will be taken to the North Lawn and hurled over the fence, across Pennsylvania Avenue toward protesters in Lafayette Square.
Q: Is it Chris Christie?
A: Is what Chris Christie?
Q: The guy in the Easter Bunny costume. He seems like a natural.
A: No. It isn't Governor Christie.
Q: People are saying if Sean Spicer is the Easter Bunny that, having once played that role, it would underscore criticism of the administration's penchant for hiring only those uniquely unsuited for their jobs or who've never done them before; ergo, in Trump world, Spicer's qualifications actually disqualify him.
A: What people?
Q: People. You don't know them.
A: Do you have a question or not?
Q: Is it true that president Trump will not pardon this year's Easter Bunny?
A: Wrong holiday but, come November, those turkeys are toast.
Posted by Lairbo on 04/11/2017 at 02:16 PM in Current Affairs, Holidaze, Media Circus, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Easter Bunny, Kushner, Sean Spicer, Trump, White House Easter Egg Roll 2017
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Will Remain in Hibernation as Protest of Academy Snub
LOS ANGELES (AFA Entertainment Newswire) The claws came out in a press release from Bruno the Grizzly Bear, recently seen in -- but overlooked by Oscar for -- his pivotal role in the film The Revenant.
Prepared before going into hibernation for the winter, Bruno (born Izzy Stastowski) made several candid statements about his reasons for sitting out this year's Academy Awards Ceremony in Los Angeles.
"DiCaprio chews up the scenery and gets a nomination; I got anywhere near the craft services table and they'd dart me," adding, "I had to get my own salmon from the nearest stream..."
Bruno's will next reprise his role as Smokey the Bear in a National Park Service PSA about wildfire prevention ("Again with the ranger hat..."). Until then, Bruno will continue hibernating in an undisclosed location near Lake Tahoe. He can be reached through Noah's Ark Animal Actors Talent Agency, (310) 555-1212.
Posted by Lairbo on 02/28/2016 at 01:15 PM in Film, Media Circus, Television, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
Tags: Academy Awards, Bear, Leonardo Di Caprio, Oscars, The Revenant
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© Daniel Abraham
Dear Salmon,
I hear that some of you are raised on farms. I live on a farm, too. It's mostly okay but I don't like getting up early to feed the chickens. I hate chickens. Do you have chickens on your farm?
--Spencer, Age 6 & 3/8, Ames, Iowa
Dear Salmon,
Would you rather get eaten by a person or by a bear? I won't even ask about sharks because nobody wants to get eaten by sharks.
--Jason, Age 7, Roscoe, New York
Dear Salman,
I saw a bunch of you at the fish ladder in Seattle on vacation. Your struggle to swim upstream and fulfill your destiny was inspirational and I'll remember it whenever I have to do something difficult. Also, whichever one of you I had for dinner that night was delicious. Thanks.
--Dolores, Age 6, Rototiller, New Jersey
Dear Salmon,
My uncle Gary has a singing Billy Bass in his basement rec-room. I asked him if they had singing salmon and he laughed and said, "Salmon can't carry a tune in a chum bucket," then he passed out on the couch. I don't want to believe him but Mom says he drinks like a fish, so I guess he knows best. Are you really tone-deaf or do you sometimes harmonize to whale songs?
--Ashley, Age 7, Truth or Consequences, New Mexico
Dear Salmon,
Do you ever get tired of always being wet? I like swimming a lot but as soon as I'm done I want to dry off. Is that why some of you are smoked?
--Your pal, Joey, age 7, Evanston, Illinois
Posted by Lairbo on 06/27/2015 at 02:51 PM in Food and Drink, People, Places and/or Things, Random Thoughts, Science, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 12/21/2010 at 08:35 PM in Food and Drink, Holidaze, Mash Ups, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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"We're up to our eyeballs in debt to the Chinese," says economist Kay Seurat, "I mean, they already took back Hong Kong. God only knows what they'll want next... pasta, fireworks, P.F. Chang's?"
"This is only the beginning," Seurat continued gravely, "It's only a matter of time before we start getting those annoying phone calls at dinner time."
Amid a crowd of loudly protesting demonstrators, the two pandas, Mei Lan from the Atlanta zoo and Tai Shan from the National Zoo in Washington, DC, were loaded onto a specially outfitted Federal Express plane for the long trip to their new home at the Chengdu Panda Breeding Research Center in the southwestern Chinese province of Sichuan.
Economic concerns however, were not the biggest issue with protesters.
"It's an outrage that two of God's most adorable creatures are being sent into life-long captivity in a communistic country," insisted the group's spokesperson Esther Rickles, "For all we know, they'll be adopted by atheistic, legally married same-sex Chinese couples!"
Assurances that the pandas will be encouraged to breed served only to further inflame the crowd, which now added "sex slaves" to the list of things being shouted and scrawled on banners.
In Other News: Celebrity cougar Demi Moore responded to the news that her much-younger husband Ashton Kutcher "hates Valentine's Day," saying, "Not as much as he's gonna hate the day after Valentine's Day."
Posted by Lairbo on 02/04/2010 at 04:36 PM in Current Affairs, Media Circus, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 07/30/2009 at 04:12 PM in Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Film, History, Illiterature, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 07/13/2009 at 03:53 PM in 7 Things You Didn't Know About:, Celebrity Hijinks, Television, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 07/02/2009 at 03:21 PM in Business Unusual, Celebrity Hijinks, Current Affairs, Illiterature, Media Circus, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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The odd turn events started at yesterday's Groundhog Day ceremony when "Chuck," Gothams' official groundhog, was coaxed out to "see" his shadow, and bit the Mayor on the left index finger.
At the time, everyone laughed off the incident.
Shortly after returning to his office in Manhattan, however, the Mayor began to display such characteristic groundhog behaviors as digging out a burrow for hibernation and feeding on insects from the lawn outside City Hall. He also sprouted the dense grey undercoat of fur and longer coat of guard hairs that provide groundhogs' distinctive "frosted" appearance.
City Hall insiders report that Bloomberg now peeks out of his office to check the length and direction of his shadow before either darting back inside or scurrying out for the day's scheduled activities.
It is unclear what effect the Mayor's new talents will have on his running New York, although he did issue a harshly worded denounciation of wolves, foxes, bobcats, bears and large hawks — all known groundhog predators — and banned them from from the city limits.
"We remain hopeful that the Mayor will use his new powers for the forces of good," City Hall spokesman Phil Connors told reporters, adding, "Although it's hard to know how that would work, exactly."
Posted by Lairbo on 02/06/2009 at 07:00 PM in Current Affairs, People, Places and/or Things, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 11/22/2006 at 07:33 PM in Current Affairs, Mash Ups, Media Circus, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 07/25/2006 at 05:56 PM in Advertising, Business Unusual, New Products, People, Places and/or Things, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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"We see a bird, we kill it. Period," said Mr. Cheney, "It's just that simple. With this avian flu thing, it's not hunting, it's self-defense. If even one American calls in sick to work from this, then the birds will have won."
While the FDA and the Department of Agriculture will spearhead destroying commercially raised poultry, AERO, under the umbrella of Homeland Security, will take out the "free-range" variety and pretty much anything else with feathers.
Under the motto, "If It Flies, It Dies," the agency will register citizen volunteers who are then authorized to blast any bird anywhere at any time. The new project has redeemed the vice president's standing in the hunting community, where many felt his hobby of shooting pen-raised quail with clipped wings was "About as sporting as dynamiting trout at a fish farm"
AERO volunteers get no reimbursement, and those who use firearms have to provide their own weapons and ammunition. However, anyone hunting in the same zip code as the vice president will get free Aflac insurance coverage.
Ironically, the Aflac spokesduck was one of the first birds to die, run down by a car north of Los Angeles; at the wheel, an AERO volunteer who spotted him filming an ad on location there.
The program has proved surprisingly popular. New Yorkers — hardly Mr. Cheney's core constituency — went after Gotham's ubiquitous and much-despised pigeons in what can be described only as a "merciless bloodletting."
Heavily armed Southern Californians gathered took up positions within the picturesque mission of San Juan Capistrano to protect themselves from the fabled swallows' annual return. "I've waited years for this," said one volunteer, scanning the skies as he stroked his shotgun intently.
AERO, the FDA and the Agriculture Department have jointly launched a public relations campaign promoting fear of and loathing for all things avian, and diminishing birds' importance in preparation for their disappearance.
The first wave of this PR blitz includes continuous showings of Alfred Hitchock's The Birds, and a series of public service announcements that portray birds negatively — poop all over the place, that damned chirping — has been rushed onto the airwaves. The campaign also offers generous federal grant reward money to any ballet company whose production of Swan Lake convinces the audience that The Dying Swan "had it coming."
Anticipating the "Cuisine Change" that will result from a lack of poultry, the Food Network is introducing a series entitled I Can't Believe It's Not Chicken, highlighting animal, mineral and vegetable replacements for formerly fowl based recipes. In the print media, a new version of the popular self-help book will be retitled Tastes Just Like Chicken Soup for the Soul.
Meanwhile, McDonald's has issued a press release assuring the public that the extinction of chickens will not effect the availability or flavor of McNuggets.
Posted by Lairbo on 03/15/2006 at 07:10 PM in Current Affairs, Food and Drink, Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Posted by Lairbo on 02/08/2005 at 08:28 PM in Current Affairs, Dumbass, Media Circus, Religion, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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Look for these conditions soon
Posted by Lairbo on 06/11/2004 at 10:42 AM in Random Thoughts, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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BERKELEY, California (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) A new animal rights group calling itself Animal Activists Resisting Ridiculous Fiction (AARRF) seeks to refute what it calls "Inaccurate, false, misleading and harmful misrepresentations of non-human beings whether they reside in back yards or barnyards," according to a "manifesto" issued today announcing the group's existence and aims.
Taking its cue from the religious groups that banded together to rebut faith-shaking allegations in the bestselling book The Da Vinci Code, AARRF is a loose coalition of several dozen animal rights organizations that seeks to rectify ". . .the incalculable damage done by centuries of anthropomorphizing creatures who do not and cannot talk, walk upright; wear pants, hats, glasses or shoes; surf, play poker, pool or the banjo; or drive a car, much less operate elaborate propulsive and explosive devices allowing them to catch up to and entrap other, faster animals; and — except for certain chimpanzees — smoke cigars and rollerskate."
Reached for comment by phone, Ms. Anne Thorpe, "spokesbeing" for AARRF, elaborated on the group's purpose, stating that, "Clearly, depictions of animals engaging in humanlike behavior, from Aesop to Disney, however benignly-intentioned, only encourages people to treat animals the way they treat humans and, let's face it, people treat humans like shit. Animals deserve better than that."
"Besides," said Ms. Thorpe, "As anyone who's ever cohabited with a feline companion animal can tell you" she added with a sigh, "No cat has ever willingly worn a hat."
Posted by Lairbo on 05/18/2004 at 11:17 PM in Politics Unusual, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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A Massachusetts company says its freezing technique allows some lobsters to come back to life when thawed.
Posted by Lairbo on 03/26/2004 at 06:08 PM in Food and Drink, New Products, Science, The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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QUEENSLAND, Australia (Ant Farmer's Almanac Newswire) — The latest voice in the chorus of outrage over TV personality Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin's hand-feeding a hungry crocodile while holding his infant son comes from a surprising source: the hungry crocodile.
"That was just wrong," said the 13-foot-long crocodile known as Tock, interviewed from his pond at Irwin's Australian Zoo Reptile Park. "I mean, there I am, famished, no natural prey around and the guy comes over to me holding a baby — a live one — and then he gives me a dead chicken! C'mon, that's just cruel. Irwin, of all people, should know that I, like any cold-blooded reptile, would much rather nosh a live kid than barely thawed out chicken — and it wasn't even a free-range. Ech! I can still taste the preservatives."
Despite Irwin's numerous public apologies, Tock remains upset. "You just don't pull a trick like that on somebody and expect a simple 'Oh, sorry, mate' to make it all better," he sniffed, "It'll be a while before I completely trust him again." Although Irwin was unavailable for comment, when asked whether the incident would effect his future at the park, Tock said simply, "If I lose my job over this, there's gonna be a lawsuit."
Posted by Lairbo on 01/06/2004 at 05:57 PM in The Animal World | Permalink | Comments (0) | TrackBack (0)
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